Daddio Patio

Hey, sorry we're late, but we're actually not late, because this episode will come out before the last two we recorded come out, so ya see, we're really in the future. Anyway, Andy's computer broke and we're all busy, so there's been a delay, but we still managed to bring this episode to you with minimal technology, and no fancy editing. 

Anyway this episode is about peer pressure, or it was supposed to be. We veered off into talking about sandwiches that resemble your high school crush. If you didn't get to kiss em in high school, now's your chance. Also, have you ever been to the doctor inside Walgreens? or how about Family Dollar? Is all of this convenience and instant gratification making the world better or worse, and how does that relate to peer pressure? All of this meaningless drivel on an out-of-order episode from us to you. 

As living organisms, our bodies and minds have an incredible power to heal themselves. Throughout life, we encounter all these emotional and physical pains, but we just keep tickin', it's crazy! If your soul needs to be put on that machine that heals all six of your Pokemon at once, then check out this episode. This week, we're joined by Emily to discuss our scars, both emotional & physical. Join us!

Also, what the fuck is in a Slim Jim?

This week, we have a long overdue dream guest: SKULL.

As usual, we talk about the slimey 90’s. What’s up with that? I mean we had a whole series of shows where people just got slimed, even the logos were slimy. Have you ever been slimed? or had any kind of oil spilled on you. One time Lance’s cousin spilled bacon grease on him, the revenge that Lance took was "the most heinous thing he's ever done to another human being". Tune in to find out what it was! 

Also, what the fuck are jeans for if they’re not for wiping your boogers on? Apparently they were introduced in 1849 during the gold rush to protect the knees of gold seekers. The 49ers went out in search of the gold, but jeans were way more lucrative. The gold was right in front of em the whole time! Sometimes the most valuable shit doesn’t twinkle. 

This episode starts out crisp, and crunchy, but it’s followed by a long slimy trail, kinda like pulling a booger out. Picking boogers is such a common thing, how come there aren’t any songs about it?

All this and more on episode 85. 

CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKA?

Alright people, you asked for it and here it is! Five straight, white, aging, middle class, midwestern men sitting around mumbling about Taco Bell, the internet, and our changing world. Hey, we know you demand poo poo pee pee jokes and Mortal Kombat references from us, but it’s time to get serious, listen up! The world is in peril and Daddio Patio has all the solutions! 

Or wait… we thought we did! Shit, things change! That’s actually the topic of this episode: change. Our generation of millenials is unique because we saw the change from the pre and post internet eras. We got all the playin’ outside, real world, tangible fun, but still got the unprecedented access to information of the internet during our adolesence. 

Things have really changed since the 90’s, now Mark Zuckerburg has all of our information (we recorded this episode when he appeared for questioning). It’s kinda crazy that we operate in a society where everyone has a freakin’ audience now. Is that really healthy? Is that why we elected a reality TV clown to be our great leader? 

Can the physical world really match the stimulus that the internet and technology provide us with? And with all of this immediate access to information, is the human race on an express track to wisdom, or self-induced collapse? Can our geriatric overlords in government really comprehend the internet, or what’s going on in society right now?

Who freakin’ knows, but one thing’s for sure, the times, they are a changin’. So you better start swimmin’ or sink you’ll like a stone, and by that we mean you should back up your personality to an external hard drive before the singularity comes. 

Also, who’s half birthday is it? Which daddio’s dad has a birthday during this episode? Tune in and find out, this episode is a little different, but we think a change would do ya good. 

We recorded this episode around St. Patrick’s day, so we talked about luck, Ireland, and all that kind of stuff. Speaking of luck, we had some back luck with this recording, the whole freakin’ episode sounds like you’re inside a microwave with five dudes. Speakin’ of warmth, there’s a lot of pee in this episode. Look, we’re not proud of it. Yeah this pottycast sounds like a lukewarm Hot Pocket in the microwave, but you should be grateful. If you’re a real fan, you’ll realize that this episode is just warm and golden as any of our past releases. 

Oh, you want another episode? Our pleasure!

On this episode of Daddio Patio, the Daddios are joined by Nick Schleicher to discuss the snacks that make us happy. Nothing like eating a little junk food to give you that moment of pleasure you need in this world of carnage and tragedy. Food just tastes amazing, especially when it’s horrible for your health. There’s just nothing like sinking your fangs into the caramel of yet another Samoa Girl Scout cookie only to realize you’ve consumed 300 grams of trans fat, your family’s gone and gravity’s yanking at your fat sunken-eyed carcass harder than ever.

Trash food is the American Dream! The red stripes on the Star Spangled Banner are made from high fructose corn syrup. Speakin’ of stripes and temporary pleasure, remember fruit stripe gum? The tattoos on the wrapper were almost as temporary as the flavor. The zebra was trying to teach us that happiness is always fleeting.

Sugars, salts and florescent colors? Gimme! We’re omnivores of the 21st century. Grind up a chicken soul, and put it on the dollar menu for me. Better yet, paint it orange and put it on the QT rollers so I can enjoy my impulse decision at the gas station. There are just so many flavors out there, so go on, have it your way, I’m lovin’ it!

God rest Wally Amos' living ghost, it’s the snack food episode! Enjoy!

It’s down there, it always is. Even when you’re gone, your basement is there, underground, housing critters, waitin’ for ya. How many things have happened in your basement that you don’t even know about? How many ghosts do you think wander through there every night? 

And what’s the deal with the history of white people? They went around calling everyone “savages” while they did their barbaric bullshit, as if they were the undisputed protagonists the whole time. If aliens are watching, they gotta know that the pale humans are the evil ones. Is that why ghosts are pale?

Anyway, how’s it gonna be, when you don’t know us? How’s it gonna be after the apocalypse when there’s no electricity, and the 90’s are just a distant memory that only lives in our collective memory. How could we ever explain the emotion of The Cranberries (RIP), or the Thornberries? We’ll be semi nude, desperate cannibals sitting around a fire, roasting a human when someone asks “You guys remember Ren & Stimpy?” Also, wouldn’t it be cool to have a jacket made from human faces?  

From the Stone Age, to colonialism, to the disco era, to 90’s Nicktoons and 9/11, humans have done some wacky shit! We cover it all in this nonsense episode from… you guessed it, the basement. 

(Special thanks to our pal Robin for the concept of this episode)

Sometimes you gotta yank that cord a few times to get the old mower runnin’. Hey, did you know that we record all of our episodes on old N64 and Playstation Memory Cards? 

This week the Daddios are here to talk about illusions, or are they? Maybe the “topic” is just an illusion, and they’ve sucked you in again to hear more poo poo pee pee talk and John Candy jokes. 

Hey, you know how when you eat pscylocibin mushrooms and you commune with the universe, you feel the complexity and synchronicity of the entire cosmos, and realize that we are all one consciousness? Yeah, is that real? Like is that going on all the time but we just ignore it because we have jobs and Facebook? Or is that euphoric epiphany just some fake-ass illusion brought on by the tidal wave of pleasure chemicals in your brain on drugs? 

We don’t know, but wrestling is fuckin’ cool man. 

Awwww shit, video games, wrestling, Home Improvement with Tim Allen— even your OWN PERSONALITY, It’s all a fuckin’ illusion! but if you believe in your own gimmick hard enough, others will too. James Brown had a mom haircut and his sternum exposed in front of millions of fans, but his confidence never wavered. Like a lion tamer, James Brown couldn’t afford to flinch, or he’d be ripped apart. It’s with this kind of confidence that we bring you another episode of our ramblings. 

So join us! Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, life is but a dream! Don’t you get it?? It’s ALL A DREAM! 

BTW, Who’d you use your Master Ball on?

We’re firing on 4 of 5 cylinders, that’s right, we’re (mostly) back! It’s been a little while, and the Daddios have been busy boys. Speakin’ of boys, Lance is no longer one, that’s right, he’s 30! Lance went from Boy 2 Man. In other news, Andy joined the future and bought a 2006 Toyota Prius, and invested in cryptocurrency. What the hell is money anyway? Can you be buried with with your cryptocurrency like King Tutankhamen? or will your student debt spill out like a black cloud on those who open your tomb 5,000 years from now. Lord knows the only defense against debt is a community college degree. 

Listen, we gotta come clean, we don’t really understand money. I guess it’s just an agreement, the value is what we make of it. 

Did your heart break apart like Pangea when you saw Castaway? Well get over it already. Wilson had the right idea, he was “floating on”, playin’ jazz, yaknow rollin’ with the punches. He didn’t want to deal with Tom Hanks’ bullshit attitude anymore. I mean here’s a guy who cuts his tooth out in slow motion with an ice skate, and is all hung up on his wife from the past, what a baby. We should be happy for Wilson, he Floated On more than Modest Mouse. (Wilson later played Tim Allen’s neighbor in Home Improvement, they obscured his face behind a fence because the producers didn't wanna hurt Tom Hanks' feelings). 

Why the hell are we crying about a dang bloody volleyball anyway? I guess it’s just the value we place on it, like cryptocurrency. I guess your Wilson tears are just as real as the bills in your wallet. It’s all made up. But hey! Life ain’t so bleak when ya got the love of your friends and you can laugh about bullshit with em. We’re glad to be back, hope you enjoy. 

DP78 - When Life Gives You Osage Oranges.