Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons

In this insightful episode, the Vallottons sit down with Robyn Gobbel, an expert in relational neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology, to discuss a transformative approach to understanding and supporting children's challenging behaviors. Robyn shares her journey from being a psychotherapist to becoming a dedicated advocate for families, particularly those dealing with complex trauma or adoption histories. The conversation centers around her influential book, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work, which has been a key resource for the Vallotton family as they navigate their daughter’s sensory modulation challenges. Robyn’s guidance encourages parents to look beyond difficult behaviors and address the underlying needs driving them, ultimately fostering deeper connections.

The discussion delves into the dynamic relationship between "connection" and "protection" modes within the nervous system, highlighting how these states impact both parents and children. Robyn explains the pivotal role of safety in building healthy connections and offers practical insights for handling real-life scenarios, such as when a child reacts with unexpected aggression. The Vallottons and Robyn explore the journey parents often face—from feelings of guilt to a deeper self-awareness—while learning to support their children’s emotional regulation and maintaining their own.

Listeners will also be introduced to the "owl, watchdog, and possum" framework that helps parents decode children’s behaviors as signs of their needs rather than intentional defiance. The episode wraps up with actionable strategies for supporting children’s emotional regulation, emphasizing that a parent’s regulation is equally essential. Robyn’s compassionate and knowledgeable approach equips parents with valuable tools to nurture strong connections and guide children through their toughest moments. This episode is essential listening for parents seeking a new perspective on navigating complex behaviors and fostering resilient, loving relationships with their children.

Where to find Robyn Gobbel:
https://robyngobbel.com/
@robyn.gobbel

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Episode Summary:

As we wrap up the year, the last few months often bring holiday stress, busier schedules, and the opportunity for intentionality. This episode dives into why the fourth quarter of the year is a pivotal time for strengthening relationships and offers practical tips for deepening connections, navigating holiday tensions, wrapping up the year with relational intentionality.

1. The Fourth Quarter Mindset

• We still have time to go! We can win big. Discuss why the 4th quarter is a natural time to invest in our closest relationships.
• There unique dynamics at play: busy schedules, increased family gatherings, and holiday expectations
• But we can really capitalize on our culture’s emphasis on the holiday season by making it an incredible season of intentionality

2. Balancing Holiday Stress with Relational Connection

• There are great strategies for managing holiday stress without letting it impact your relationships.
• It’s important to set boundaries, prioritize quality time, and manage energy levels to stay present with loved ones.
• It’s important to create space for intentional moments with family and friends amidst the busyness of the season.
• It’s also important to make time to recharge 

3. Reflect and Reconnect: End-of-Year Conversations

• Reflect on how the holidays went last year, and contemplate how you want them to feel this year!
• Ask questions like,
  • How did the holidays go LAST year, and what would we want to do the same or differently? 
  • What would make this holiday season feel really rich and meaningful to you?
  • Are there any conversations I need to have before the holidays to prepare for great moments of connection with my spouse/kids/parents/friends/extended family?

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Description:
 Life is hard—and family and marriage, as part of God’s design, come with their own challenges. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. In this episode, we unpack the tension between fulfilled dreams and unmet expectations. We explore the trap of believing, “I’ll be happy when…” and how comparison can steal our joy. What happens when reality doesn’t match the dreams we had?

We dive into the truth that God’s dreams for us are often bigger—and harder—than what we imagine. Yet, it’s through surrender and perseverance that we discover deeper joy. Drawing from Scripture, we reflect on what it means to embrace the hard work, steward what’s been given, and trust that barren places can become fertile ground for God’s purposes.

Key Themes:

• The mindset of "I’ll be happy when…" and the dangers of unrealistic expectations
• How comparison leaves us disappointed
• Trusting that God’s dreams for us are greater than our own
• Enduring hard seasons with faith, knowing that God rewards those who steward well

Scriptural Truths:

• Romans 12 – Living as a sacrifice, transformed by God
• Luke 9:23 – Taking up our cross daily
• Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trusting and submitting to God’s plan
• Psalm 23 – Finding comfort and provision in every season

Reflection Questions:

• How do I surrender and grieve disappointments when things don’t go as planned?
• What does it look like to truly give my dreams to Jesus?
• Is the joy I seek found in a fulfilled dream, or in surrendering my dream to Him?
• Can the barren places in my life become fertile ground for God’s purposes?

Join us as we reflect on the joy that comes not from ease, but from faithfulness, endurance, and trusting God’s bigger picture—even when it looks nothing like we imagined.

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Episode 92: Why Isn’t This Working?
What to Do When Your Attempts at Healthy Conflict Resolution Seem to Fail

In this episode, Lauren and Jay dive into the frustrating moments when your best efforts at conflict resolution just aren’t cutting it. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why isn’t this working?”—this one’s for you! They walk through five key checkpoints to help you figure out where things might be going wrong and how to adjust.

5-Point Check for Healthy Conflict Resolution

1. Are We Even Talking About the Same Thing?
   • Heated arguments are often not just about the issue at hand.
   • Ask yourself: What’s this really about? Are there underlying issues driving the conflict?
2. Are You Able to Communicate a Real Need?
   • When you struggle to express your needs, you might shut down or get angry.
   • Take a moment to dig deep and identify the real need behind the emotions you're feeling.
3. Send the Right “I-Messages.”
   • Keep your message concise—too many words can muddy the water.
   • Remember, you’re responsible for how you communicate, not how your partner responds.
   • Your partner might respond poorly, especially if they feel shame or misunderstood, but focus on managing yourself.
4. Plan Ahead for Triggers.
   • Know what tends to set you off and create a strategy to stay on course.
   • When those triggers hit, stick to the plan—no detours!
5. Stick to the Script—Your Way Isn’t Working!
   • Use tools like our Conflict Resolution Cheat Sheet to stay on track. (Get it by taking our free marriage assessment [link].)
   • What if your partner isn’t playing by the rules? Stay focused on what you can control and keep improving.

Bonus Tip: Learn from Feedback

“We grow to the level of feedback we are willing to take.” After each conflict, reflect on what worked and what didn’t. This is how real growth happens.

Tune in now for practical advice, personal stories, and tips you can apply today to navigate conflict with more success.

Resources Mentioned:

• Take the free marriage assessment and receive the Conflict Resolution Cheat Sheet [https://www.jasonandlaurenvallotton.com/].

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A note from Jason and Lauren:

Ever feel emotionally disconnected, even in a healthy relationship? That was us this past month. Life got busy, stress built up, and before we knew it, we hit a wall—what we now call “disconnection week.”

In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain to share how we navigated those difficult moments in real time. Whether you’ve been married 5 months or 50 years, connection takes intentional work. Conflict will come, but how you handle it makes all the difference.

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In this insightful Q&A session, the Vallottons tackle 5 questions submitted by listeners pertaining to marriage and friendship.

Questions Answered in This Episode:

1. When one spouse feels the need for separation to heal and rebuild, but the other is unwilling, what do you do?

• Make a real plan if you separate, and get help doing it
• Build a NEW marriage, not fix the old
• Focus present-future, and not on the tangle from the past
• Real justice is getting what God paid for, not getting an apology

2. What specific emotional needs are unhealthy in opposite sex friendships?

• It’s less about a specific list of needs that are or aren’t ok to be met by an opposite sex friend. It’s more about the depth of intimacy in ANY area that you allow yourself to go to.
• When you invest emotional intimacy into friendships with the opposite sex, and then that person finds a committed partner, you’re putting yourself in a position to be left and wondering if your heart is valuable.
• Our single seasons are meant for investing in same-sex friendships and vibrant community, not opposite-sex intimacy.

3. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with narcissistic tendencies in a spouse?

• Be careful not to label your spouse with a disorder! Selfishness and an inability to care for you well does not make your spouse a narcissist.
• There are true narcissists, however! You should get a professional to help you diagnose and treat. 
• Ultimately a narcissist will need a full rewiring, which they’ll need a professional to help with.
• Use healthy boundaries in the process!

4. How do you recharge well when you have a marriage and family and work to take care of?

• Plan ahead
• Get small breaks but plan for the full recharge moments
• Grow in an awareness of HOW you like to fully recharge
• Become a great teammate with your spouse so you get the support you need without derailing your family when you need to recharge.

5. I’m a husband and a father that loves God, but I just don’t feel a lot of purpose or motivation, and I keep getting stuck in this rut. What should I do? 

• Men get trapped in being self-focused and forget that the POINT of focusing on me is so I can be great for other people. 
• Cure to addiction, not wanting to be present at home
• Life should be about leading others well, not just self
• Being a leader is one of the most important jobs on the planet. Moses freed 400 years of bondage because he lead…

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Have you ever wondered how faith can transform your life and relationships? In this special episode, the Vallotton’s are honored to be joined by Dru Hammer, an extraordinary woman whose journey of faith and resilience shines through in every aspect of her life.

Dru Hammer, originally from Tulsa, Oklahoma, shares the profound spiritual awakening of her father, which is captured in her book Hammered. Her story reveals the power of faith to transform individuals and families, especially in times of hardship. From navigating divorce and infidelity to finding peace and healing through a spiritual pilgrimage to Israel, Dru's journey of forgiveness, resilience, and the divine guidance that shaped her path offers hope to anyone facing life's struggles.

One of the most powerful moments in this episode is when Dru talks about a heart-shaped stone she found on her trip to Israel, symbolizing renewed hope and God's ever-present love. She emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with supportive friends, spiritual leaders, and immersing in Biblical teachings to find strength during life's darkest moments.

Parenting and personal growth also take center stage as Dru shares her experiences raising children with strong faith-based values in a world that increasingly questions religion. She opens up about her son Armie's journey from deep church involvement to questioning his faith, and the challenges she faced as a single parent post-divorce. Her volunteer work at the Los Angeles Dream Center adds another layer to her story, revealing how helping others in recovery led to her own unexpected spiritual growth and support.

This heartfelt episode closes with Dru's inspiring message about the importance of faith, resilience, and never giving up, no matter the challenges. Whether you're seeking solace, direction, or simply want to hear an incredible story of hope, this episode is a testament to the power of faith to heal and transform.

Tune in for a conversation full of wisdom, faith, and the reminder that you are never alone in your journey.

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Lauren introduces the episode by announcing that applications for The Marriage Intensive are open!

As the fourth and final episode in The Measure of Marriage series, the Vallottons introduce Riley and Candace Stuart to listeners as a young married couple who have been able to identify issues, work on them, and experience the beautiful fruit of working hard on their marriage connection. Get ready to be inspired by their love story and the practical insights they offer from their six-year relationship.

Ever wondered what it’s like to navigate the early stages of marriage? Riley and Candace open up about the unexpected pressures and challenges they faced in their first year. Riley reveals the stress and anxiety he felt trying to live up to his own expectations as a husband, while Candace emphasizes the transformative power of empathy and compassion. Their stories of personal growth and mutual support highlight the essential role of humility and understanding in overcoming marital hurdles.

Investing in your personal growth and relationship can be truly transformative. Riley and Candace discuss the pitfalls of passivity and people-pleasing, and the significant impact professional help had on their communication and emotional well-being. Learn from their experiences about the importance of validating each other's emotions, preparing for future challenges, and maintaining a strong, connected partnership. Don’t miss this episode packed with practical tools and heartfelt stories that can help any couple foster a deeper, more resilient bond.

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Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 3 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “dynamic” couples. Listeners should visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment to get a real-time look at the state of your relationship. Understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: What Does a Dynamic Marriage Feel Like?

Jason begins by describing the feelings associated with a dynamic marriage, where both partners feel valued and connected:

• For Women: Feeling known, seen, heard, and valued.
• For Men: Feeling respected and believed in.
• Trust and Safety: Both partners believe they can tell the truth to one another and that the other is their safest place.
• Presence and Teamwork: Feeling each other’s presence and making decisions as a team.
• Hope for the Future: Believing in their ability to navigate hardships together with hope.

Jason emphasizes that life isn’t necessarily easier for these couples, but they have practiced the necessary skills so much that they know what to do when challenges arise.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Dynamic Marriage

Jason discusses the key factors that contribute to a dynamic and thriving marriage:

• Covenant Commitment: A deep, unwavering commitment to each other.
• Emotional Connection: Maintaining a strong emotional bond.
• Communication and Conflict Resolution: Effective communication and the ability to resolve conflicts constructively.
• Standards and Boundaries: The ability to set and keep standards that support the relationship.
• Turning Towards Each Other: Making a habit of turning towards each other first, especially in times of stress.
• Teamwork: Operating as a team in all aspects of life.

Segment 3: How to Achieve a Dynamic Marriage

Jason provides actionable steps couples can take to move towards a dynamic marriage:

• Understanding Your Normal: Recognizing what is “normal” in your relationship and identifying what adjustments are needed to create a culture that both partners feel good about.
• Practice Makes Perfect: Continuously practicing new ways of being, thinking, and communicating until they become the new normal.
• Trust-Building: Trust is often built when someone makes a mistake and then takes responsibility to clean it up, reinforcing safety and reliability in the relationship.

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Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 2 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “developing” couples. Listeners should visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment to get a real-time look at the state of your relationship. Understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: Recognizing the Need for Growth

Jason describes the subtle signs that signal a marriage needs development. These signs might manifest as a feeling that the marriage should be better, or they might surface after a significant event that reveals the need for work to achieve a healthy relationship.

Key points discussed include:

• "Good Enough" Syndrome: Couples might feel they are “good enough” but still experience loneliness in certain areas, avoiding painful topics while focusing on what works well.
• Dissatisfaction: A feeling of dissatisfaction without clarity on whether it’s valid or how to address it.
• Partial Understanding: Feeling only partially known by your partner, recognizing areas in the marriage that lack strength, particularly in communication and conflict resolution.
• Recurring Disagreements: Persistent disagreements that never seem to find true resolution, often leading to fear of expressing true thoughts or feelings.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Developing Marriage

Jason dives into the factors that contribute to a marriage being in a developing stage, emphasizing the lack of intentional growth.

Key factors include:

• Outdated Skills: Many couples continue using communication, connection, and conflict resolution skills that they developed in high school, which are no longer sufficient.
• Pressure of Life: The added responsibilities of kids and full-time work put immense pressure on marriage, necessitating growth in both capacity and competency.
• Outdated Operating Systems: Jason likens it to using an old operating system under new pressures, which leads to feeling overwhelmed and quickly bankrupt in key areas of the relationship.
• Accumulation of Unresolved Issues: Over time, unresolved conflicts build up, creating ongoing pain, and couples have less grace for old, painful habits. The attitude of “that’s just who I am” can become a barrier to growth.

Segment 3: Moving Toward Connection and Growth

Jason outlines the steps necessary for couples to transition from a developing stage to a more connected and fulfilling marriage. He shares insights, observing that many couples experience a great awakening, often after a failure, which leads to a determination to rebuild their marriage.

Steps to move forward include:

• Identifying Pain Points: Couples must be willing to focus on what they are contributing to the issues, taking ownership of their actions.
• Setting Clear Targets: A clear and consistent plan is essential. Couples should agree on targets and work together to achieve them.
• Relying on Guidance: Counseling, courses, or other structured programs can be invaluable. Jason emphasizes the importance of trusting someone else’s plan rather than trying to navigate the challenges alone. Making an investment in professional guidance can be a game-changer.

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