In today’s episode of Dates, Mates, and Babies with the Vallottons, hosts Jason and Lauren Vallotton sit down with renowned psychoanalyst and author Erica Komisar to explore the profound challenges and rewards of parenting. Erica, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), brings years of expertise in child development and the psychological aspects of motherhood and fatherhood. She has authored two insightful books:

• Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters
• Chicken Little: The Sky Isn’t Falling

In this conversation, Erica highlights the crucial role emotional attachment plays in a child's development, particularly during the first three years. She discusses the importance of both mothers and fathers being present and emotionally available, as well as how societal pressures and guilt impact the way mothers show up for their families.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The key ingredients for building a healthy attachment with your child, particularly in the first three years.
• Insights from Erica’s book Being There on the lasting impact of maternal presence during a child's formative years.
• Why father involvement is just as crucial as mothers in raising emotionally resilient children.
• How to address societal pressures, guilt, and the overwhelming demands placed on mothers today.
• The importance of staying engaged with your children throughout adolescence, even when they seem to need you less.

About Erica Komisar:
Erica Komisar is a licensed clinical social worker and psychoanalyst with extensive experience working in child development and parenting. She has authored two influential books, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and Chicken Little: The Sky Isn’t Falling. Her work emphasizes the emotional and psychological needs of children, focusing on the vital role parents play in shaping their children's emotional well-being. Erica's expertise has made her a sought-after speaker and resource for parents looking to navigate the challenges of raising children in today’s world.

Where to Find Erica Komisar:

She’s on Instagram. @ericakomisar
To learn more about Erica's work and upcoming events, visit her official website.

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What if the greatest battle you’re fighting isn’t with your spouse, your kids, or the world—but with yourself? On this episode, the Vallottons dive into the messiest parts of who we are—the stuff we shove aside but desperately need to face if we want to grow in life, faith, and relationships.

Jason and Lauren explore the significance of identifying your inner conflicts, the impact of your past experiences, and the role of seeking support in overcoming these hidden struggles. 

• Discussing personal experiences of battling inner conflicts 
• Understanding the significance of self-criticism and shame 
• Exploring the concept of the trauma tree and its visualizations 
• Identifying signs of an inner battle and unhealthy habits 
• The necessity of reaching out for help and building self-awareness 
• Sharing strategies for addressing and conquering internal struggles 

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If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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In this milestone 100th episode, Jason and Lauren Vallotton sit down with Jason's parents, Kris and Kathy Vallotton, for a heartfelt conversation about the enduring meaning of Christmas. Known for their leadership and faith, Kris and Kathy reflect on the miraculous story of Christ’s birth and its profound blend of humanity and divinity. Together, they share insights on how to hold onto the true essence of Christmas amid the distractions of commercialization, encouraging listeners to reconnect with its true spiritual significance.

Kris and Kathy also share a touching personal story about navigating financial hardships with creativity and faith. Recalling a time when scarcity gave way to an unexpected adventure, they draw parallels to the humble circumstances of Christ's birth. The conversation highlights how love and togetherness can transform challenges into cherished memories, offering a powerful reminder of the importance of family and faith.

The episode takes a deeper turn as the Vallottons explore the supernatural aspects of the Christmas story and their relevance in everyday life. Reflecting on moments of divine provision, they illustrate how God's presence often surprises us in the ordinary and imperfect moments. Through these reflections, Kris, Kathy, Jason, and Lauren invite listeners to see the beauty in life’s messiness and embrace the redemptive power of the Christmas story in their own lives.

Join Jason and Lauren Vallotton for this uplifting conversation with Kris and Kathy Vallotton, as they celebrate faith, family, and the transformative hope of the Christmas season. 

Merry Christmas to you, and we'll see you back here in the New Year!
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If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Imagine the weight of rebuilding a marriage amidst public scrutiny and personal failure. Laura and Carl Lentz know this journey all too well, and they graciously join the Vallottons to share their path of healing and redemption following Carl's affair in 2020. Through candid conversations, they explore the complexities of maintaining genuine relationships in the face of betrayal, and the powerful role community support can play in times of crisis. Their story is not just one of personal recovery, but also a testament to the resilience found in embracing vulnerability and committing to change.

Beyond their personal trials, the Vallottons tackle the broader theme of balancing emotional health with spiritual growth. In a world where hyper-spirituality often masks deeper issues, the Lentzes open up about the necessity of addressing deep-seated pain and the deceptive self-lies that perpetuate addiction. Our conversation digs into the intricate dynamics of rebuilding trust after infidelity, underscoring the pivotal moments of honesty and the proactive steps needed to create a foundation for healing. Laura's experience in setting clear boundaries and expectations highlights the courage required to face the truth and the profound freedom it can bring.

Through real-life examples, this conversation illustrates how openness can transform potentially humiliating situations into valuable teaching moments that build trust and resilience. his episode is infused with hope, reminding us all of the transformative impact of perseverance and the lasting benefits of living truthfully amidst life's challenges. This episode dives into the nuances of addressing hidden pain, repairing broken trust, and creating a new foundation for relationships—not by erasing the past but by learning from it.

Whether you’ve faced challenges in your marriage, struggled with trust, or simply want to know that restoration is possible, this episode is for you. It’s an honest conversation that doesn’t shy away from the hard truths but offers hope, practical insights, and a reminder that no matter how deep the wound, healing is always possible.

Connect with Carl and Laura Lentz:
Carl Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Laura Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Episode Summary:
In this special Q&A episode, the Vallottons tackle some of your most heartfelt and practical questions about trust, forgiveness, marriage, and family life. Whether you're looking for ways to rebuild trust, navigate the early months of marriage, or create meaningful family traditions, this episode has something for everyone.

What’s Covered in Today’s Episode:

1. How is trust practically built when it’s been broken?
   • Steps to rebuild trust through accountability, transparency, and consistent actions over time.
   • The importance of small, intentional efforts in repairing relational safety.
2. What happens if I forgive but cannot forget?
   • Understanding forgiveness as a journey and why forgetting isn’t required.
   • Rebuilding trust is a process that requires seeing repeated success in that area of previous failure and also taking the risk to trust again.
3. How do my wife of 2 months and I better create routine in the craziness of life?
   • Ideas for setting rhythms and routines to strengthen your marriage.
   • Carving out time for intentional connection as newlyweds before the demands of life and family make it harder to prioritize.
4. What’s the most repetitive struggle you usually see with men?
   • Insights into common patterns, such as passivity and disconnection.
   • Encouragement and strategies to move past these struggles inside connection with other men through BraveCo.
5. How do you celebrate Advent with your kids?
   • Creative and meaningful ways to engage children during the Advent season.
   • Balancing faith, fun, and family in holiday traditions.
   • Discovering Christmas: A 25 Day Advent Devotional with Activities for Kids
6. Can you share creative family rhythms and traditions that shape family culture?
   • How intentional practices can strengthen bonds and pass on values.
   • Examples of daily, weekly, and seasonal traditions to cultivate connection.

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Join the Vallottons as they share insights after leading their recent marriage intensive, where we spent six weeks with couples dedicated to enhancing their relational health. Through real-life counseling scenarios, and rounds of these marriage courses, the Vallottons have discovered what is common to many couples and identify keys to breakthrough in these different areas. 

Takeaways include:
- it's the couples who want to grow and learn who get well
- it's not conflict that tears apart connection, but rather behavior in conflict
- a lack of self-awareness about what you bring into your marriage can be a downfall
- a lack of tools for healthy communication is common and impacts EVERY other area of marriage life

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

Connect with Lauren:
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Connect with Jason:
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Jay’s Facebook
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Life can feel overwhelming when chaos reigns in our hearts, homes, and minds. But did you know that your ability to face and navigate that chaos directly impacts your emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being? In this episode, the Vallotton's are diving into why confronting chaos matters and how it aligns with living a life of peace, purpose, and emotional health.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

1. The Biblical Perspective on Chaos:
   Explore how scripture addresses chaos and God’s desire for us to live in order and peace. We’ll discuss how confronting disorder is a step toward aligning with His design.
   • “God is always trying to bring order to chaos."
   • "God sets man up for success by creating divine order."
   • "God’s structure fosters perfect love, promotes freedom, and creates powerful living."
2. How Avoidance Fuels Anxiety:
   Learn why avoiding the mess—whether it’s an emotional wound, a strained relationship, or a chaotic schedule—actually makes things worse and undermines your well-being.
   
   
3. Practical Strategies to Confront Chaos:
   • Identifying the sources of chaos in your life. "Anything outside of connection is unsustainable."
   • Setting boundaries with wisdom and grace.
     1. "Boundaries are meant to protect love."
     2. "Re-wiring is our job, not God’s."
4. The Link Between Confrontation and Emotional Health:
   Understand why emotional health requires courage to face hard truths. We’ll provide tools to manage the discomfort of confrontation while maintaining compassion for yourself and others. 
   • "Our ability to create order is only limited by our unwillingness to confront chaos."
   • "Avoiding chaos leads to pain; confronting it brings growth."
5. Inviting God Into Your Chaos:
   Discover how prayer, surrender, and faith can transform chaos into a catalyst for growth and spiritual maturity. "God believes in our ability to be powerful people who can confront chaos."

We’re often trying to obtain peace around us so that we have peace inside of us. We were designed to BRING peace to chaos, to bring structure to disorder. That requires that we have peace and order inside of us to bring to the world around us.

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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In this insightful episode, the Vallottons sit down with Robyn Gobbel, an expert in relational neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology, to discuss a transformative approach to understanding and supporting children's challenging behaviors. Robyn shares her journey from being a psychotherapist to becoming a dedicated advocate for families, particularly those dealing with complex trauma or adoption histories. The conversation centers around her influential book, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work, which has been a key resource for the Vallotton family as they navigate their daughter’s sensory modulation challenges. Robyn’s guidance encourages parents to look beyond difficult behaviors and address the underlying needs driving them, ultimately fostering deeper connections.

The discussion delves into the dynamic relationship between "connection" and "protection" modes within the nervous system, highlighting how these states impact both parents and children. Robyn explains the pivotal role of safety in building healthy connections and offers practical insights for handling real-life scenarios, such as when a child reacts with unexpected aggression. The Vallottons and Robyn explore the journey parents often face—from feelings of guilt to a deeper self-awareness—while learning to support their children’s emotional regulation and maintaining their own.

Listeners will also be introduced to the "owl, watchdog, and possum" framework that helps parents decode children’s behaviors as signs of their needs rather than intentional defiance. The episode wraps up with actionable strategies for supporting children’s emotional regulation, emphasizing that a parent’s regulation is equally essential. Robyn’s compassionate and knowledgeable approach equips parents with valuable tools to nurture strong connections and guide children through their toughest moments. This episode is essential listening for parents seeking a new perspective on navigating complex behaviors and fostering resilient, loving relationships with their children.

Where to find Robyn Gobbel:
https://robyngobbel.com/
@robyn.gobbel

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Episode Summary:

As we wrap up the year, the last few months often bring holiday stress, busier schedules, and the opportunity for intentionality. This episode dives into why the fourth quarter of the year is a pivotal time for strengthening relationships and offers practical tips for deepening connections, navigating holiday tensions, wrapping up the year with relational intentionality.

1. The Fourth Quarter Mindset

• We still have time to go! We can win big. Discuss why the 4th quarter is a natural time to invest in our closest relationships.
• There unique dynamics at play: busy schedules, increased family gatherings, and holiday expectations
• But we can really capitalize on our culture’s emphasis on the holiday season by making it an incredible season of intentionality

2. Balancing Holiday Stress with Relational Connection

• There are great strategies for managing holiday stress without letting it impact your relationships.
• It’s important to set boundaries, prioritize quality time, and manage energy levels to stay present with loved ones.
• It’s important to create space for intentional moments with family and friends amidst the busyness of the season.
• It’s also important to make time to recharge 

3. Reflect and Reconnect: End-of-Year Conversations

• Reflect on how the holidays went last year, and contemplate how you want them to feel this year!
• Ask questions like,
  • How did the holidays go LAST year, and what would we want to do the same or differently? 
  • What would make this holiday season feel really rich and meaningful to you?
  • Are there any conversations I need to have before the holidays to prepare for great moments of connection with my spouse/kids/parents/friends/extended family?

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

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Description:
 Life is hard—and family and marriage, as part of God’s design, come with their own challenges. Just because something is hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. In this episode, we unpack the tension between fulfilled dreams and unmet expectations. We explore the trap of believing, “I’ll be happy when…” and how comparison can steal our joy. What happens when reality doesn’t match the dreams we had?

We dive into the truth that God’s dreams for us are often bigger—and harder—than what we imagine. Yet, it’s through surrender and perseverance that we discover deeper joy. Drawing from Scripture, we reflect on what it means to embrace the hard work, steward what’s been given, and trust that barren places can become fertile ground for God’s purposes.

Key Themes:

• The mindset of "I’ll be happy when…" and the dangers of unrealistic expectations
• How comparison leaves us disappointed
• Trusting that God’s dreams for us are greater than our own
• Enduring hard seasons with faith, knowing that God rewards those who steward well

Scriptural Truths:

• Romans 12 – Living as a sacrifice, transformed by God
• Luke 9:23 – Taking up our cross daily
• Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trusting and submitting to God’s plan
• Psalm 23 – Finding comfort and provision in every season

Reflection Questions:

• How do I surrender and grieve disappointments when things don’t go as planned?
• What does it look like to truly give my dreams to Jesus?
• Is the joy I seek found in a fulfilled dream, or in surrendering my dream to Him?
• Can the barren places in my life become fertile ground for God’s purposes?

Join us as we reflect on the joy that comes not from ease, but from faithfulness, endurance, and trusting God’s bigger picture—even when it looks nothing like we imagined.

Patreon
If you've enjoyed this podcast, would you consider financially supporting the show? Every donation, big and small, helps the Vallottons continue to prioritize making this content for you. Click this link to support! Thank you!

For information on the Intensive and other resources, go to jasonandlaurenvallotton.com !

Connect with Lauren:
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Connect with Jason:
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Jay’s Facebook
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