It's the middle of January 2025. Right now you might have friends in Southern California who have evacuated from their homes. You might know someone whose house, entire neighborhood, community, and school are gone. And there's often a time in life when you know someone in a health, personal, or other kind of crisis, even if it's not a situation as drastic as this one where it's so many friends, acquaintances, and fellow citizens at once.

It can be tempting to say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. It can be tempting to assume our friends like to be comforted exactly the way we like to be comforted. If I've learned anything from writing about friendship for 10 years, it's that we are all quite different so knowing what our friends need in hard times is something that develops in time along with the friendship.

Difficult truth: You only learn what your friends want and need by showing up, even if you don't get it "right" at first. 

Here is a vetted list of organizations collecting funds to help everyone affected by the fires in Southern California.

Links mentioned and other related episodes:

• #55. How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss: Emma Nadler
• #69. Don’t Be Afraid of Saying the Wrong Thing to Friends With a Chronic Illness: Jennifer Cramer-Miller
• #90. The Friends You Want Around During a Crisis: Kelly Lang
• #104. Being a Good Friend to Someone With Terminal Cancer: Jill Smokler
• #128: Your Friends Won’t Always Say the Right Thing When You’re Struggling, Forgive Them: Steve Phillips

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

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You've had a tremendous loss in your personal life and your friends don't know what to say or do: Do you tell them what you need, or do you assume they should know? Here's the more important question---Do any of us know what to say and do in every situation? Probably not. And the truth is, not everybody wants the same thing when they're grieving or struggling. What worked for one friend might not work for another. What's helpful to you, might not work for your friend.

This episode is a particularly special one because it came from an unexpected, beautiful letter from a listener--national bestselling author, Steve Phillips. Steve wrote to me expressing his gratitude for episodes that helped him reframe his thoughts on friendship after the devastating loss of his wife of 32 years, Susan Sandler, who died of brain cancer in December 2022 after living with the disease for six years.

Steve wasn't pitching the show in that letter, but I asked him if he'd honor me by sharing his experiences with friendship. And he said yes! It was a really good conversation about various topics having to do with showing up, rebuilding your social life, making plans, "real friends" vs "deal friends" and more.

Links Steve mentioned in the episode:

Episode #50: "Overlooking Friends' Foibles" (with my mom!)

Episode #86: "Every Friendship Begins With an Act of Bravery"

Meet Steve Phillips

Steve Phillips is a bestselling author, national political commentator and columnist with an extensive history at the forefront of the intersection of racial equity. He is a New York Times bestselling author, a columnist for The Guardian and The Nation, and an opinion contributor to The New York Times. He is also the host of “Democracy in Color with Steve Phillips,” a color-conscious podcast on politics. Together with his wife, the late Susan Sandler, Steve c0-founded the Sandler Phillips Center, which supports organizations and campaigns led by people of color, women, immigrants, and LGBTQIA plus people, and hosts the Fannie Lou Hamer Fellowships for courageous activists.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

It's the monthly friendship challenge! And it doesn't matter which month you begin. Every social wellness challenge in 2025 WILL improve your friendships because it puts you in charge of your social life. The January 2025 challenge is to see a friend in person this month. Go for a walk, meet for a meal, see Wicked. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it gets you OFF the text thread and out of the social media "like" and "heart" habit as a replacement for true connection.

We need to see our friends in person. Start the year off right with the best social wellness trick around--spend time with people you like. If you don't like your friends, I address briefly that in today's episode too.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE:

• This is the 2025 daily notebook I bought.
• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Friends" 
• Substack post: "This is How to Make Plans With Friends"
• Hallie's post: "A Like Does Not a Friendship Make"
• My instagram "Texting is Cool, BUT" post.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome to the top episode on Dear Nina in 2024—the 14-day friendship cleanse, brainchild Anna Goldfarb whose book, Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, is a must read for anyone looking to improve their friendships. Don't feel put off by the word, "cleanse." This discussion is about reconsidering how you're approaching friendships and how you're treating your closest friends. (And that particular list shouldn't be too long.)

By the end of this episode, you will have a healthier mindset for thinking through your friendships, and you'll know why I became friends with Anna after her visit to the podcast almost two years ago when we talked about lopsided friendships.

Meet Anna Goldfarb:

Anna Goldfarb is the Philadelphia-based journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic, TIME, Vice, The Cut, Vox, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. Find Anna's newsletter on Substack, grab an excerpt from her book on her website, and follow Anna on Instagram.

 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Why does the inner judge in our brains automatically default to negativity? We assume the worst and let our insecurities lead the way. How does this inner judge interfere with our friendships? And what can we do to create curiosity instead of negativity?

Ann Imig, creator and author of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, and life coach at Listen Life Coaching, is here with practical tools that will help keep the judge at bay. Ann encourages "curiosity, celebrating, and savoring" in our friendships, "showing up when you show up," and utilizing the words and mindset of "tell me more."

We also discussed the role Ann (indirectly) played in my decision to start writing about friendship in 2014!

Meet Ann Imig:

Ann is an award-winning founder and speaker with numerous national media and stage appearances. As a certified coach at Listen Life Coaching she guides young adults (and their parents) to crush their goals, fuel their joy, and boost their confidence in a bright future. In 2010 she created the storytelling series and book titled LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Almost 15 years later, LTYM continues Giving Motherhood A Microphone on stages across North America (70 cities and counting). Ann's motherhood story stars 2 sons, ages 17 & 20 with her husband Ben.

Ann works a lot with concepts from positiveintelligence.com. Special offer for Fans of Dear Nina: Experience the life-changing experience of coaching with Ann for free (no strings attached!). Dear Nina listeners receive a full 50-min discovery session rather than the typical half-hour consult. ListenLifeCoaching.com

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I love answering listeners' anonymous friendship dilemmas. It's a letter spotlight episode with three short anonymous letters from listeners with various friendship issues. I did my best to give practical, helpful advice.

The subjects are:

1. A listener whose friend makes little digs at her friend whenever they shop together.
2. A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
3. A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.

The full text of the letters can be found here on my site. (dearninafriendship.com episode 124)

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Your Friends"
• Newsletter with a bit more about making plans 
• Ask an anonymous question

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I'm thrilled to welcome friendship experts and comedians Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo of Man of the Year podcast! In honor of these male "chief friendship officers," (their term, which I love!) I'm finally tackling the often-requested topic of platonic relationships. Matt is married and Karo is single so that provided a slightly different point of view, which was helpful.

We also discussed how often you "should be" liking your friends' social media posts, a topic younger people on TikTok yell at me about sometimes. I think it's a terrible way to measure a friendship and occasionally get on TikTok to say so, but many out there think it's an important behavior to note. Matt and Karo ended up agreeing with me for the most part, but they were easier on those with that opinion than I was.

These are completely unrelated friendship topics, but I didn't want to squander my time with this hilarious and insightful duo. We fit in a few other friendship dilemmas, too, like viewing your friends in the most favorable light, remembering your friends aren't mind readers, when hobbies with friends take too much time from your spouse, and more.

More about Matt and Aaron:

As seen in the New York Times, on NPR, and the TODAY Show, Man of the Year will help you make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and build lifelong social fitness. Each November Matt and Aaron award a gigantic Man of the Year trophy to one of their childhood friends – a tradition that has kept their crew going strong since the '80s. But the country is currently facing a friendship recession – 15% of men report having zero close friends – and they’re on a mission to change that with tips, hacks, and decades of hilarious stories. Find Man of the Year on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.

Links mentioned in the episode:

"Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?" Sarah Wheeler in The Cut

The TikTok post where people yell at me for saying NOT to drop your friends who don't actively like your social media posts.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Friendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue. In my 10 years of writing about friendship and receiving many anonymous letters, I've seen that it makes little difference in the grief process if there was a direct conversation with the friend, a fade out, or an abrupt ghosting. No matter the circumstances, we must take time to heal when a friend is no longer in our lives.

Today's episode is a revisit of my conversation with Diamonde Williamson, who found a way to make art from a painful friendship breakup and help others face their feelings of grief, loss, rejection, and loneliness.

Learn more about Diamonde's documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde.

Links mentioned in the episode:

• The episode with one of my best friends about the years we stopped being friends and how we reconnected: "Reconnecting with an ex-friend."
• Recent anonymous question in my newsletter, "The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank you"

Meet Diamonde Williamson

Diamonde Williamson is the Founder and CEO of Third and Wonder Production House, the go-to media and production company for Black women and Black culture, specializing in branded, documentary, and unscripted formats. She’s created hundreds of videos for notable clientele like: The Oprah Winfrey Network, Google, Warner Bros., Essence, and more. Learn more about her original documentary, Best Friends Not Forever, and her highly praised podcast Meet Me in the Deep. Her continued goal is to build community and produce entertaining, empowering and relatable art for Black women. You can also find Diamonde on Instagram @therealdiamonde.

 

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

 

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Are there rules for making plans with friends? Who should be the one to suggest the day, time, and place? If you reach out for plans, should you also throw out some dates that might work? OR, do you wait for the other person to "prove" their interest by offering some dates on the calendar?

The short answer: there are no rules.

The longer answer (only 16 minutes), is this week's episode-- "Rules for Making Plans With Friends." It's the newest letter spotlight episode, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans.

I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends!

 

Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friendships Between Sisters-in-Law"
• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friends Who Never Ask About You"
• Episode 120 with Emma Nadler: "6 Ways to Be a More Generous Friend"
• The Joy of Connections by Ruth Westheimer and Allison Gilbert
• Episode 116 with Allison Gilbert: "Lose Track of Who Makes the Plans and 7 Other Friendship Tips From Dr. Ruth"

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Being generous in our friendships makes us better friends and keeps solid friends in our lives. We're not talking about money here! To quote this week's guest, relationship-based therapist and author, Emma Nadler, "When we act more generously we feel better. So there's a lot in it for you, too." We discussed Emma's top five ways to be a more generous friend, and I added one of mine to the list. So yes, in 29 minutes you're getting SIX ways to be more generous in your friendships, which research links to a happier, more fulfilling life. 

Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. Her memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, is about learning to adapt when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. She has also written for The Washington Post, Salon, Huffington Post, and Newsweek, among others. In her private practice, she helps people build deeper relationships—including friendships—and cultivate more of what they want, even with life's inevitable challenges. Find Emma's newsletter on Substack: "Hope is the New Hot" and she's on Instagram @emmanadlerwrites.

Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Emma's article in Next Avenue, "5 Ways to be a More Generous Friend"
• Emma's memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden
• Emma's first episode on Dear Nina, "How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss"
• "Most generous interpretation" -- a concept discussed often by Dr. Becky Kennedy
• Anna Goldfarb's second episode on Dear Nina, "The 14-Day Friendship Cleanse"
• Anna Goldfarb's book, Modern Friendship
• Olga Khazan's articles: "The Friendship Paradox" and "Stop Firing Your Friends"
• Our friend Debra's instagram: @fortheloveofcookbooks
• Previous episode with Jill Smokler and battling cancer and how friends can show up in support

PLEASE NOTE: Listening to this podcast in no way creates a client/therapist relationship with Emma Nadler. This is educational in nature. No legal, counseling, or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. If you are having a mental health emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also text or call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 This week’s fabulous sponsor + how to purchase ad space on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me or need another link? That’s probably here.

Our sponsor this week: https://www.purewesson.com/

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands