Dear Pod,

We're cleaning up our act this week. Well, sort of. Just a quick drenching in the BATH or SHOWER, a quick "How's Your Father" on our bits and pieces, and a hit of Hai Karate Cologne and this weeks episode is the sweetest. smelling thing that has ambushed your nasal cavity in the last six months. Who's luckier than you?

Ya know, in this day and age, it is nearly impossible to make an OBSCENE PHONE CALL. What happened to the good old days when you can walk into a phone booth, slide the door closed, pick a random name from the phone book, put in a dime, dial a bunch of numbers on a rotary phone, squat down in the booth so no one can see what you're doing...Oh, God...this is too much work. I'm going home to dial up and connect to AOL and see if anyone will send me dirty pictures. Like a normal person!

Now you see this episode. Now you don't. I know. You weren't ready for some skilled MAGIC happening all up in your face this week. Let me ask you this, is your married boyfriend's kisses magical? Is the mother of six, magical in the kitchen? Before we answer these questions, we need a volunteer from the listening audience to come up and step in this box. Now, this is a razor sharp saw...........

Lock the front door. Do not answer your phone. And, if that PSYCHOPATH stands in your front yard, in the rain, with that stupid radio held over his head, he can drown for all I care. Now, let's browse Facebook and see who looks normal that we can start dating next week.

OK. Take your right arm. Shake it out. Let's relax those fingers. We don't want anyone pulling muscles. Now, reach into that GRAB BAG and see if you pull out some cold, hard cash to pay your plastic surgeon with. Or, maybe you'll find the guidebook to raw and cooked sex. Only one way to find out. Deep breath. Now, reach on in.

GUEST ALERT!!! We can't think of a better way to celebrate Independence Day than an episode dedicated to the Men and Women who have selflessly served our country in the United States MILITARY. Join us and our special guest, Actor, Writer, Staff Sargent: ANDRE JACKSON, as he helps Erin clarify which branch of the military fights on land and who protects us by sea. Now, drop and give me twenty because I just gave myself a buzz cut and I'm drunk with power!

Grab the sunscreen, get the water bottles, pack some snacks and grab the barf bags. We are spending the day at the AMUSEMENT PARK! Should I let me pregnant girlfriend ride The Cyclone? How can I possibly afford change for my kid to play video games in the arcade when they are selling beers in oversized cups? Pull down your safety bar and remember, you must be this tall to ride this week's episode of DEAR POD!

Get ready. We're sweaty, awkward, nervous and ready to blow. This week we're losing our VIRGINITY. When should we lose it? Who should we lose it to and if we don't use it, will we lose it? All of that and a "How To" by Erin that will haunt you for the rest of the summer. Get out the dental damn, cause it's time to pop that pesky cherry!

We are bursting at the seams because everyone in the Maha'a Tiki Lounge is beaming with PRIDE. This week we kick off Pride Month with parents who have always known THAT is how their son was born and he is AMAZING, Gay Pride Parades so fabulous that it freaks straight people out, and a story from Patty that show us all the strength of the human spirit. Things are getting real today at The Pineapple Ranch. Slip on your kaftan, grab a cocktail and get ready for a faaaaaaaaabulous month!

It's 58 degrees. Looks like rain. It's the first week of June. Come hell or high water, we are all getting in the POOL today. So, let your neighbors know that you will be making a lot of noise and no one is to get Aunt Janice's hair wet. No one!