Delusions Of Grandeur

Luke Skywalker's no good, very bad day continues as he and Threepio amp up their search for Cray (now on trial for treason) and he runs into some old Tatooine acquaintances. It becomes more and more clear that the Will has absolutely noticed what Luke's up to and is trying its best to ensure he has a convenient accident. But there's another, more helpful presence on the ship. Perhaps that of a fellow Jedi and colleague who liked whales a whole lot and doesn't currently have a body (but does still have an amazing head of spiritual hair).

Meanwhile, Han and Chewie have an extremely bad day of their own in Belsavis' smugger tunnels. After throwing up a lot of sulfur water, Han manages to get Mara Jade on the phone... and then get himself into a tasteful sarong to seduce his wife through the strategic use of bare forearms. Sadly, a night that began in the beautiful light of 1996's finest floating candles ends with a bang as Artoo fails to execute an extremely elaborate homicide. Stay strong lil buddy!!

We're not entirely sure what it says about us or him, but we love a concussed Luke Skywalker. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you thought the trauma of needing his bones replaced in Truce at Bakura was bad, wait til you get a load of this Luke: he's got migraines, he's got collapsing lungs, he's taken an axe to his Achilles...and somehow he's still exploring an enormous spaceship, hanging out with 3PO, and refusing to swear. Meanwhile, Leia Organa Solo manages to go on a hiking tour of a multi-biome planet, slum it up in a row of dive bars, and plan a visit to the archives all in one day because she's the somehow unrecognizable and also most famous girl boss in the entire galaxy.

Sometimes, you simply cannot get through five chapters of a Star Wars because there is TOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. A cover that gives Luke Skywalker an insane glow-up (and a normal haircut for once), and shows the Falcon at her best (flying off into a romantic sunset). A book that's unafraid to begin with the number one scourge of the 90s (ACID RAIN) and takes us to worlds where New Republican citizens are building beautiful solar punk futures and also partying hard. A love so true there ain't no mountain high enough (or valley uncanny enough) to keep 'em apart. Not to mention Luke Skywalker having a scary/sad dream about the distinctive sound of Aunt Beru's yoghurt maker in the middle of the night. Oh, and evil has awakened somewhere out in the galaxy, blah blah blah. You know the drill: a Skywalker's gotta stop it.

Our intrepid hosts finish this best-selling book! Before we dive into the action, we undertake a wide ranging investigation into Corran Horn's height, and whether or not he qualifies not only as Best Boy, but also Short King. Then it's back to Black(moon), baby, for a rollercoaster of emotion as Wedge does what Wedge does best and Corran hides in a cave contemplating his rapidly approaching death. Luckily, Mirax and Tycho swoop in for a last minute rescue/shoot out/bake off/prank on Wedge. And we learn the secret of Emtrey's scrounge capabilities thanks to a well researched Han Mail. Small spoiler for the next X-Wing book, which we'll likely return to in the future. It's been a fun ride!

How come they always read like fan fic except in the ways you want them to?! These chapters are full of horniness and a big ol' flirt triangle...but have absolutely no making out whatsoever for incredibly convoluted reasons we just can't parse. Wedge (aka "Veggie") leads most of the gang back to Blackmoon (except for Erisi who is pining for Corran and Ooryl who is pining for an arm). Mirax uncovers Emtrey's wildly complicated insider trading scheme involving Alderaanian pork bellies and super hot super baddie Ysanne Isard forces Kirtan Loor into the worst workplace punishment imaginable: a group project.

We could call this Ch. 26-30 of Rogue Squadron but it's maybe more accurate to say we're diving in to How To Blow Up A Pipeline by Horton Salm? Rogue Squadron et al. get their shit rocked at Blackmoon thanks to Bothan overconfidence. Corran dreams of making out with Erisi in a Windows '95 desktop image. Just as he's on his way to getting well and truly drunk with a new commando friend, Emtrey and Whistler team up in a rare double scrounge that could change the fate of the New Republic. Kirtan Loor gets dusty. Wedge does his best as a matchmaker. Plus, we annouce our next book (picked in an authentically New Republic fashion that's democratic if you squint really, really hard)!

Corran Horn pulls off a bonkers maneuver that saves the whole Squadron — and also gets him accused of Lite Treason (TM) / confined to his quarters. The rest of the crew feels sorry for him, but not so sorry that they refrain from either making out with each other in said quarters...or trying to make out with him due to battle victory horniness. Mirax is the only person who knows that the way to a true Corellian Man's heart is through cake. (Also: is Corellia called "COREllia" because it's in the Core? Because if so.......don't tell me, it'll just make me mad.)

Buckle up as our hosts follow Rogue Squadron into combat once more! First, there's some very fancy flying, followed by much unfancy drinking out of what one can only assume are space Solo cups (is Han Solo secret heir to a cup fortune? Is this where the $ for his teen swoop racing career came from?). The drinking leads to some extremely complex emotional math over who is the squad's Best Boy and who is Chump of the Week. But all Best Boy math is on the back burner as Kirtan Loor pinpoints the location of the Rogues' base with his own math based investigation. Corran and Ooryl race to prevent a late night massacre. And Admiral Ackbar once again begs his officers to take a nap.

Our intrepid hosts survive their first space battle alongside Corran Horn (with heavy assist from patrons who explained how gravity actually works). Wedge engages in a battle of bureaucracy and gets his ass handed to him. We learn more about Ysanne "Iceheart" Isard's background and her mysterious ability to be both middle aged and attractive AT THE SAME TIME. And speaking of attractive women, Corran struggles with the paradox that a certain smuggler can be a criminal and also a tall drink of water. Also also (through the law of plot devices, subsection "Corellia," paragraph "everyone in this galaxy knows each other"), they can be his CO's childhood bff. Emtrey finally lets loose. And New Republic procurement stands firm in the face of at least one X-wing pilot who uses government maintenance to repair their privately owned spacecraft.

Okay so you know how we've talked before about the lack of sex in Star Wars...well, that doesn't mean that there's a total lack of intimacy, as evidenced by Wedge Antilles' VERY HOT, VERY PUBLIC relationship with his X-Wing. A lot of stuff happens in these chapters (solid legal counsel, team bonding, Han Solo hot goss, a terrifying journey through the Coruscant atmosphere...). But nothing etches itself in the brain like Wedge stroking the cockpit of his spaceship and making sure that everyone can see him do it.