Welcome to a new book, a new trilogy, and some classic Dickensian capers! We've got a young Han [neé Solo], some bleak living conditions, a gang of juvenile pickpockets, brutal adults, furry best friends slash 'bodyguards', and a Bel Iblis cameo. Join us as we uncover the true story of how Han Solo became the galaxy's premier grump by the ripe old age of 29...ish.

Gather 'round, fellow #GilroyGirls. In response to the INJUSTICE of Andor Season 2's Emmys snubs, we bring you this special episode where we yell about all that we loved about Andor (both seasons) and what we thought was missing and what we could have done without.

*Not actually four hours

**Ended up being about more than just Bix

Tyranny got you down? Find one of our favorite Andor meme-makers on Insta @ wolfwrentruther for incredible Andor memes and links to donate to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund. The galaxy is watching!

Our resident cop/fighter jock races to rescue his wife and tie up many an outstanding plot point with a mere 7 chapters of runway. He and Elegos team up as space Batman and Alfred as they spook a bunch of superstitious pilots into panic calling Tavira -- and almost get rumbled when Corran finds himself sprinting through the city buck naked and clutching a lightsaber. Their plan works, and Tavira and her secret Force user allies show up...and so do Luke Skywalker and Corran's bff Ooryl. After a surprisingly effective round of good cop, bad cop, ysalamiri cop, Corran et al head off to find Mirax, defeat sexy baby space pirates, and blow up Exar Kun's statue just for fun. 10/12 parsecs. Plus, we reveal the results of our next book poll!

Boy howdy, folks. After juping around in space, Corran gets into a fistfight with the concept of Dark Side/his annoying rival and meets a very interesting twice-dispossessed refugee. In a just galaxy he would then be sent straight to horny jail after an interrogation by Admiral Tavira turns into a blood-soaked make out sesh. Alas, we do not read in a just galaxy. This leads our hosts to ponder the eternal questions of fanfic: sure, Star Wars should always be more horny, but Debbie...like this? And, of course: are you truly cheating on your spouse if the only way to get them out of a coma is to fuck a homicidal baddie?

Corran makes nice with some of the Invids by bringing them that fancy shuttle they were trying to steal, starting a months-long (!?!) project of working his way up the ladder to get onto the Invidious as crew and find Mirax. His new wingwoman tells him there's two ways: fancy flying or fucking the captain. In this fic, Corran chooses the flying, which brings him face to face with Rogue Squadron...and with Kelly's hardest challenge yet: describing a protracted space battle solo.

The Horn boys do some gardening (revealing a whole bunch of Jedi secrets under a pile of literal bullshit), then go out to dinner at Corellia's fanciest new molecular gastronomy restaurant, much to Corran's delight. But big steaks and big secrets make for bad dreams, and Corran wakes up determined to go back to his old self to save his wife. Conveniently, that was the guy who went undercover with pirates all the time! But first, he's got to stop a teenage Rouge Squadron fanboy from draxxing some sklounsts his body can't draxx, do some fancy flying, and critique Mara Jade's wardrobe (perhaps the most dangerous mission of all).

After making a terrible executive decision that lacerates his kidneys, Corran IDGAF Horn is rescued from Exar Kun by his Verbally Confirmed Friend Mara Jade. The other Jedi do some magic or something and Exar Kun gets Exar-cised. Don't think about it too much — Corran doesn't. Luke wakes up from his coma (or was it the nap he was actually looking for all along?), pardons genocidal maniac Kyp Durron, and we can finally leave this wizard shit behind to get into some real Corellian noir investigations.

We're here for the descriptions of Booster Terrik's Errant Venture (TV series, when?) and Corran's horticulturalist political puppet-master grandpa (Tony Gilroy, you would love this guy).

Much happens in these chapters, a lot of it off screen for Jedi Academy (and maybe copyright?) reasons. Luke falls into a Sith-induced coma! Corran and R2 engage in light espionage! Leia sweeps in looking like a hero of the Rebellion! Han Solo cooks a delicious meal and abandons his family! And we see one strong advantage the books have over the movies as Kyp destroys Carida and our apprentices feel the horror in real time. Plus, the Last Temptation of Corran Horn (directed by Exar Kun) debuts to less than rave reviews.

Things are heating up on Yavin 4. Mara Jade arrives in a tasteful jumpsuit, only to have her car jacked almost as soon as she parks. Rough neighborhood! Now, she is forced to hang out with her cool friend's meathead husband for a whole week. Corran's various investigations aren't going particularly well, but he does use his skills as a Corellian to cook everyone a succulent Yavanese meal . And what thanks does he get? Being Force-slammed into a wall by one Kyp Durron, then having to do all the dishes and be Luke Skywalker's part time therapist. What's the point of being a Jedi if you can't even get out of the third shift?

Corran shows up late to class on the one day someone's trying to kill Luke Skywalker -- who seems weirdly unconcerned that one of his students came at him with a freshly built lightsaber. He is more concerned when Gantoris and said lightsaber are found freshly Force barbecued, alone in his room. Finally, Corran has a chance to shine...as a detective and a TA. Not so much as a Jedi. Most unfortunately, Corran becomes increasingly distracted by how hot Tionne looks in green library lighting, while Luke is increasingly distracted by the latest sadboi to show up at the Academy -- one Kyp Durron.