10 Clear Signs You've Been Abused by a Narcissist

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Are you tired of falling victim to the emotional and psychological manipulation of a narcissist?

 Do you worry that long-term exposure to this devil-sent individual will negatively impact your faith?

 Narcissists are self-centered, egotistical, fragile individuals who only care about meeting their own need—often at your expense. 

 They are excellent at playing mind games to gain the upper hand and get what they want in relationships.

 They don’t see you as an individual with feelings. They see you as a pawn for their purpose and they don’t care how their behavior impacts you. In fact, it doesn’t even occur to them.  

They are demonically inspired and often dangerous.   

 1 Peter 5:8 reminds us that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. I would argue that if we need to be alert to the devil, we also need to be alert to the people he’s using.

 Let’s take a look at the demonic mind games they’ll use to manipulate you. 

 Demonic mind game #1: The blame game

It's easy to forget, but narcissists are very fragile individuals. 

 You may have fallen for their false facade but behind that phony exterior is an empty shallow parasite who needs to feed off of you for validation. When that validation dries up and you try to have a healthy relationship with healthy confrontation, you will see a wounded soul. And this is where it goes from broken to bad.

 Narcissists can skillfully play the victim to garner sympathy and shift blame. They may exaggerate or entirely fabricate situations where they appear to be the innocent party, diverting attention from their own harmful actions.

 Whether referring to past “failures” or current problems, narcissists will rarely accept responsibility for their actions. They’ll blame all the relationship issues on you. They never feel like anything is their fault. They’ll even make things up, so that you’ll be the one to fix their mess, all while they play the victim.

This behavior dates back to the beginning of time when God called out Adam for eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. What did he say? “The woman YOU gave made me do it.”

 Now, I’m not saying that Adam was a narcissist, but you see how cunning the devil was right from the start.

 Demonic mind game #2: The trigger game

Do you ever wonder how the narcissist seems to know ALL of your pain points?  That’s because they studied you like a book.  

 Not with the intent to truly get to know you, but for the sheer purpose of gathering information for the future. That’s why they work so hard with love bombing to win you over, break down your guard, and get you vulnerable.  

 This can really throw you for a loop, especially if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist who doesn’t seem to care or listen, but suddenly when you’re arguing or they’re trying to get their way, they seem to have amazing recall. Every mistake you’ve made, every little thing you’ve said can and will be used against you.  

 Demonic mind game #3: The coercion game

If narcissists don’t get what they want from you, they will use various forms of manipulation, guilt, shame, and triangulation all to get you to feel bad about yourself, second guess your boundaries, and ultimately give them what they want.

 If you think the narcissist only uses coercion with big ticket items, think again. This tactic is their go-to with EVERYTHING, which is why narcissists can be so exhausting to be in relationship with.

If you struggle with only being OK when others are OK with you, please check out my online course called Conquering Codependency Biblically. https://krisreece.com/conquering-codependency/

 Want to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life?  Be sure to grab your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide
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Have you ever wondered WHY that person isn’t respecting your boundaries?  

 Perhaps you think you need to find a better way to communicate or maybe you believe there are just some people who are boundary-proof. 

 That’s why today, I want to dive into the ONE mistake that will cause your boundaries to fail every time AND what you can do to fix it.

 This particular mistake reminds me of the time my friend Meredith asked me to come with her to the car dealer to negotiate a price on a car.

 You see, this was the car she'd always wanted. She dreamed about it for years and she was finally able to afford it. Sort of.

 It was still a little out of her price range but she was so close that she couldn't take wait any longer. She knew how much I've saved on car purchases over the years, so she asked if I would join her. Happy to help her avoid over-paying, I said yes. Then I told her I have a few questions and there are a few rules. The biggest question was, are you flexible on colors and options? And the rules were this: 

1. Let me do all the talking.
2. Don't get excited about the car.
3. Follow my lead, even if you disagree.

DEAL!  She was so excited to drive off the lot with her shiny new sports car.

 We headed into the dealer. Gabe greeted us on the lot. And from the moment Meredith sat in that driver’s seat, I knew we were going to have an issue. She was so giddy that the salesperson looked like a kid who just scored the biggest lollipop. He knew he already had her, and I know I had my work cut out for me.

 When we finally sat down at Gabe's desk, the issue went from bad to worse.  

 Gabe laid out the price and I pushed back. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Meredith was getting squirmy. Each time Gabe went to speak to his manager to get approval for what I was asking, Meredith needed to be talked off the ledge.  

 “Let’s not push so hard,” she’d say. “What if he changes his mind?”

 “Changes his mind about what? Selling you a car? I don't think so.” But Meredith was terrified her dream car could slip right through her fingers.

So when Gabe came back with his final offer--which I found to be completely unacceptable, especially given that sales were down and there were four of the exact same model on the lot--I knew it was time to say “Thank you Gabe, but no thank you.” Just as I was about to open my mouth, Meredith jumped out of her seat and said, “I'll take it.”

 I pushed myself away from Gabe's desk and knew my time here was done. There was nothing more I could do to help Meredith get the best price possible on her dream car. 

Truth be told, Gabe could have charged her double and I think she would have found a way to pay.  

 You might be wondering, Kris, what does this have to do with boundaries? Everything. In fact, the one mistake that’s keeping you stuck with people who don't respect your boundaries is the SAME mistake Meredith made—the inability to walk away. 

 Now, I'm not saying that you have to walk away from a relationship to get what you want (that's just manipulative). But I am saying that if you can't go without whatever they're offering you, your boundaries won't stick.

 Before you go thinking that this is just some game of “get m

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Why is it that some Christians are able to move on from toxic relationships while others stay stuck in their hurt feelings?

 Maybe you've suffered so long, you don't even know what happiness feels like anymore.

 Before you go thinking that God's forgotten you (or worse, getting angry at Him), I want to break down for you three very powerful reasons why this hurt may be lingering more than you'd like,

AND the prayer that could change EVERYTHING.

 To do that I need to remind you what happens when you touch a hot iron. You may cringe at the thought because you know how much it hurts. But how do you know it hurts? Well if you're as stubborn and stupid as me, it's likely because you HAVE touched one of these at some point in your life. (Despite how many times your mamma told you not to.) And once you did, the pain was excruciating. Maybe you even needed to go to the hospital. And I'm going to take a wild guess and you never did that again.

 The same is true for toxic relationships. We enter into them, ignoring the red flags, and then we slide right into the sizzle.

 For what godly reason would this happen? There are actually three of them. 

 Reason #1: God wants to make sure you learn  

What do you think would happen if God just took those feelings away, erased them from your memory, wiped them from your emotional hard drive? You'd enter into a toxic relationship again, because you'd have no memory of how painful it was. 

 So yes, God will allow these feelings to linger to teach you. I'm not saying that what that person did to you was OK, or even excusable. But ignoring this valuable insight is like being offered a ride in a luxury SUV but choosing a piggyback ride instead.

 Reason #2: You’re trying to stay in the driver’s seat

Even with these valuable lessons learned, missing what I’m about to share could cause you—as it would most Christians—to backslide during a difficult time. 

 If you're like me, you use your GPS for everything, even when you know exactly where to go and how to get there. 

 And again, if you're anything like me, if your GPS tells you to go a way that differs from where YOU think you should go, you ignore it. (I told you I wasn't smart.)

 And what happens? More often then not you're stopped by a traffic jam or worse. That's because the GPS knows the roadblocks and delays you can run into.

 Your hurt feelings are the roadblocks and God is your GPS.

 God doesn't always remove the roadblocks because they actually serve His purpose. Just like his purpose for the Israelites in the Red Sea and the wilderness wasn't to harm them but rather draw them closer to HIM. 

 Could it be that God wants to be your guiding light on this journey of healing? My friend, don't miss an amazing relationship opportunity because you're upset that he's not teleporting you to your next destination.

 Reason #3: God wants you for His purpose

You may be saying, “Kris, that's great. I've learned my lesson and I've made my way back to God. But what's the point in keeping me in pain for so long?”

 That question can best be answered by Sam’s example. Sam was a trainer I hired when I had my old personal training business. 

 Sam was highly educated. She graduated at the top of her class in biomechanics and she could tell you about anything that had to do with anatomy, from the function of the hip flexors in relation to the knee upon deceleration to the distal insertion point of the femur.

 There was only one problem: Sam had zero life experience. She couldn't relate to our clients who came to us wantin

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What if I told you that everything you thought about forgiveness was wrong? That in seven short minutes I will help you understand why these people still set you off--even years after you've walked away and forgiven them?

 I'm going to answer the question that's been haunting you once and for all—“Have I truly forgiven?”—and overcome the biggest forgiveness myth holding back Christians today. 

 It all comes down to bookmarks. 

 I want you to think of your life as a book, and each significant trauma or experience as a different chapter. When someone hurts you, it's like placing a bookmark in that particular chapter. You can believe that you’ve forgiven and then move on. However, the bookmarks still remain in the book.

 Even as you continue living your life, those bookmarks make it easy to flip back to the painful chapters. This act of inadvertently returning to these chapters can make you feel as though you haven't truly moved on or forgiven, even though you’ve tried to close the chapter.

 There are three reasons why it’s so easy to flip back to those bookmarks. 

Reason #1: Unresolved trauma

Many bookmarks were created by a traumatic experience—one that you've tried to push aside, but it still needs to be dealt with.

You may be thinking, “Yeah but that was 20 years ago. I should be able to let it go by now.”

But letting something go is not the same as resolving it. 

 We often think avoidance is the best option (and don't get me wrong, in some cases it is). 

But if there's stuff going on inside of you—well, everywhere you go, there you are. That’s why an old memory, an unexpected phone call, or a harsh comment can all elicit an outsized reaction.

Resolving that trauma is like removing the bookmark. 

 If you have unresolved trauma, it's important to find a good Christian counselor who can help as it can take a toll on you and your relationships. We've connected with Faithful Counseling to help you find a counselor that's right for you. Simply click this link https://faithfulcounseling.com/krisreece for more information. 

 My hope is that you will get the healing that you need to work through the pain of the past and in doing so, you get to remove the bookmarks.

 But unresolved trauma is only part of the reason that you're getting triggered long after you've forgiven. 

 Reason #2: Unresolved trust

If you're not creating NEW bookmarks, it almost feels like there's nothing worthy in your story.

So when you get triggered, you will automatically default to the old bookmarks. When your anger kicks in, when someone tries to manipulate you, when you hear about how the other person is slandering you, yet again you may not have anything new to refer to. In other words, you have unresolved trust. 

You know you can't trust your trauma any longer, but what can you trust? If you do not cre

 AGrab your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide right here
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Why is it that some Christians are able to move on from toxic relationships while others stay stuck in their hurt feelings?

 Maybe you've suffered so long, you don't even know what happiness feels like anymore.

 Before you go thinking that God's forgotten you (or worse, getting angry at Him), I want to break down for you three very powerful reasons why this hurt may be lingering more than you'd like,

AND the prayer that could change EVERYTHING.

 To do that I need to remind you what happens when you touch a hot iron. You may cringe at the thought because you know how much it hurts. But how do you know it hurts? Well if you're as stubborn and stupid as me, it's likely because you HAVE touched one of these at some point in your life. (Despite how many times your mamma told you not to.) And once you did, the pain was excruciating. Maybe you even needed to go to the hospital. And I'm going to take a wild guess and you never did that again.

 The same is true for toxic relationships. We enter into them, ignoring the red flags, and then we slide right into the sizzle.

 For what godly reason would this happen? There are actually three of them. 

 Reason #1: God wants to make sure you learn  

What do you think would happen if God just took those feelings away, erased them from your memory, wiped them from your emotional hard drive? You'd enter into a toxic relationship again, because you'd have no memory of how painful it was. 

 So yes, God will allow these feelings to linger to teach you. I'm not saying that what that person did to you was OK, or even excusable. But ignoring this valuable insight is like being offered a ride in a luxury SUV but choosing a piggyback ride instead.

 Reason #2: You’re trying to stay in the driver’s seat

Even with these valuable lessons learned, missing what I’m about to share could cause you—as it would most Christians—to backslide during a difficult time. 

 If you're like me, you use your GPS for everything, even when you know exactly where to go and how to get there. 

And again, if you're anything like me, if your GPS tells you to go a way that differs from where YOU think you should go, you ignore it. (I told you I wasn't smart.)

 And what happens? More often then not you're stopped by a traffic jam or worse. That's because the GPS knows the roadblocks and delays you can run into.

 Your hurt feelings are the roadblocks and God is your GPS.

 God doesn't always remove the roadblocks because they actually serve His purpose. Just like his purpose for the Israelites in the Red Sea and the wilderness wasn't to harm them but rather draw them closer to HIM. 

 Could it be that God wants to be your guiding light on this journey of healing? My friend, don't miss an amazing relationship opportunity because you're upset that he's not teleporting you to your next destination.

 Reason #3: God wants you for His purpose

You may be saying, “Kris, that's great. I've learned my lesson and I've made my way back to God. But what's the point in keeping me in pain for so long?”

 That question can best be answered by Sam’s example. Sam was a trainer I hired when I had my old personal training business. 

 Sam was highly educated. She graduated at the top of her class in biomechanics and she could tell you about anything that had to do with anatomy, from the function of the hip flexors in relation to the knee upon deceleration to the distal insertion point of the femur.

 There was only one problem: Sam had zero life experience. She couldn't relate to our client

 If you’re ready to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life, grab a copy of your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide.
https://krisreece.com/toxic-people-survival-guide

So you’ve finally put your foot down. Maybe you’ve kicked the narcissist to the curb or cut ties with toxic family members. After much prayer and soul searching, you’re ready to move on.

But before you can cue the confetti, you get the message, “I’ve changed.” 

Could this be the turnaround you’ve been praying for? Or just another tool in their manipulation toolbox?

That confusion is why I want to talk to you today about the three powerful clues that will show you that this person has actually changed, as well as the ONE thing that guarantees they haven’t.

 I think of relationships with toxic people like a garden that was once beautiful and vibrant with so much potential, but that is now completely wilted and shriveled.

 Some people would walk past this garden and think nothing of it. Either they don’t recognize the garden is dying, or worse, they just don’t care. 

 But run-down gardens don’t happen by accident. They’re a result of neglect and maybe even abuse. 

 The hurt you experience in relationships doesn’t happen by accident, either. 

 Clue #1: Recognition

If your relationship is like a garden where all the plants are either dying or dead, both parties need to recognize that (a) there’s a problem, and (b) that each person has contributed to the problem. 

 Typically, people who have sinned against you won’t recognize their role in creating the problem. And if you try to point out the ways they have contributed, you will most likely be accused of nagging and holding on to the past, when all you are seeking is acknowledgment of the actions that brought this beautiful garden to this awful place.

 If you have been in a relationship with a toxic gardener, you need to hear them own their contributions. Don’t settle for mere recognition that the relationship is withering on the vine. 

 When recognition is present, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. It might be a mess but at least you can see where you’re going and what needs to be done.

 Clue #2: Repentance

Clue #2 is what so many of us long for, beg for, and argue over. 

 My client, Crystal made the mistake of demanding it from her mother who would belittle her in front of others but call it ‘mothering.’ Crystal was 56. She didn’t need ‘mothering.’ She needed her mother to say the words she so longed to hear. And they weren’t “I love you.” They were the words “I’m sorry.”

 But Crystal’s mother didn’t even recognize that was she was doing was wrong. Instead, she justified her behavior and even blamed Crystal for ‘making’ her behave this way because she not obeying her mother.

 But clue #2 is more than just hearing those two magic words. It’s about repentance. 

 What's the difference? 

 Do you remember when you were a kid and you’d get into a fight with another student at school and the principal would take you both into the office, make you shake hands, say you’re sorry and make up?

 Yeah, that’s not repentance.

 Words of apology alone hold no more power than someone claiming they believe in God but don’t live a life that follows Him. 

 Repentance is a deep regret over the pain you’ve caused and the extreme effort to turn in the other direction.

 It’s not, “sorry,” “I’m sorry,” “I’m sorry, if only you…,” or “I’m sorry YOU,” or any other deflecting, devaluing statement that's meant to sound like and apology. 

 It begins with I'm sorry “I” and continues to move forward to the next phase. In o

And if you're ready to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life, be sure to grab copy of Toxic People Survival Guide     https://krisreece.com/toxic-people-survival-guide

You've done your research. And you now believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're dealing with a narcissist.

You know it.

 They know it.

 They know you know.

 Now what?  

 Today, I want to dive deep into the pathetically predictable pattern you can expect to see when God exposes a narcissist. This pattern will prove to you once and for all that it's not all in your head AND give you the clarity need to answer the question: do I stay or do I go?

To start, we need to clarify once and for all that it doesn't matter who the potential narcissist may be—parent, pastor, partner, sibling, coworker, or friend—God WILL expose the narcissist. 

No matter who your narcissist is, it's likely you spent years being confused by the mixed messages, the lies, the manipulation, and don't even get me started on the gaslighting! Or perhaps you've had so many twisted bible scriptures thrown at you that you've become a pro at dodging them. But God in his faithfulness has brought you out of confusion and into clarity.

it's like the blinders have been removed.

You're no longer fooled by the craziness and you see with crystal clarity that this person only cares about themself. And then you can expect THIS.

Confusion comes a knockin’ all over again.

Because now they know you know. They'll never verbally admit it, but they know the tide has turned, and the jig is up.Unless they have someone else to fall back on, get ready my friend--it's about to get more toxic. 

Narcissists are very observant people, especially of anything that concerns them.

Once they sense that you’re hip to their tricks, they get flustered, nasty, defensive, or avoidant. It's these initial reactions that you need to focus on, as you're going to need to refer back to this later in the final phase of their reaction. (Which is what we'll get to shortly.) 

After this initial toxic reaction, you can then expect to see a slightly different narcissist.  

Phase 1: They will employ any effort necessary to get things back to ‘normal.’

This phase is a little easier to detect as they will go to whatever behavior has worked in the past. If intimidation had a high success rate, they will come in strong with that. If guilt was the go to, you'll get an extra dose.  

Whatever has worked in the past, expect an amped up version of that.

But hold firm, my friend—the ride has just begun.

Enter Phase 2: Threats, insults, rage—anything to trigger you, so that YOU react.

They do this so they can now look at your toxic reaction and say, “See, you're the problem. If you were more patient, kind, understanding, and weren't so nasty, critical and controlling.”

In their mind, they feel better because you've just proven (to them of course) that your toxic reaction means you're the problem.

But you're not phased. Nonsense like that would have killed you in the past, but not now. 

Get ready for phase 3. 

I have to warn you. THIS is where it gets confusing. THIS is where they get you to let your guard down and bring your hope up.

Stick with me.

When the go-to tactics don't work, when the entrapment fails, THEN comes the apology.

At this point, you're likely wondering, Maybe they've changed? What if they finally get it?

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**
Moms are supposed to be supportive and nurturing, but what happens when the very woman who should be your number-one fan is your greatest adversary?

 If you're like most people, you slip into a confusing, guilt-ridden mess. That's why in today's episode, you’re going to learn 10 signs that your mother is a narcissist. These are the signs that every single one of my students has experienced but just couldn't make sense of.

  Please note that Christianity isn’t about just slapping a love label on someone and ignoring the damage they cause. Nor is our time together meant to be a mom-bashing episode. Rather, you want to allow God to bring to light what the enemy is trying to keep in darkness so that you can have an accurate assessment of your situation AND honor God in your interactions. 

 So let’s dive into 10 signs (and I'm really curious to hear what you think about number 10!).

  Sign #1: She sees you as an extension of her

Imagine how someone would feel if they weren't allowed to have their own identity, and weren't able to make their own choices without upsetting someone. Such treatment leads to a codependent, performance-driven mess.

  Yet narcissistic mothers often live through their children. Maybe mom always wanted to be the popular one, so she pushed you to always look ‘pretty.’ Or, she didn't finish college, so now you had to go to a prestigious school so SHE could have bragging rights.

 Most of us moms like to be proud of our children’s choices, but narcissistic moms take this to a toxic level. If you're a reflection of her, the result is that you must make choices based upon HER preferences. 

 Sign #2: She’s critical  

Not all critical people are narcissists but all narcissists are critical. She likely has something to say about everyone and everything, and in doing so, positions herself as superior.

 This criticism can be overt—outwardly judging someone (or you) for their choices—or it can be passive aggressive—making comments about someone else in an attempt to get the message to you.

  Ironically, if you have a criticism or complaint about your mother, you will likely be met with a toxic overreaction, as you are now creating a crack in her fragile facade.

 Sign #3: She has toxic reactions

Look, we all can over react or react poorly from time to time. But for narcissistic mothers, radioactivity is their MO. You can likely predict that she will have a defensive, stonewalling, victim-like reaction if you attempt to bring anything to her attention.

Narcissistic mothers cannot and will not look at themselves. So if you challenge her delusion, her response will be nuclear.

 NOTHING is ever her fault and if you try to argue otherwise you will get met with a victim and martyr act.  

 Sign

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Tired of feeling like people just take advantage of your good nature?

 Perhaps you loan money that never gets repaid, you get stuck baking for another fundraiser, or you drive out of your way to help a sister who never returns the favor. You basically put your life on hold for others, and it’s getting old.

 That’s why, today I want to warn you about the five signs that scream “Walk all over me.”

 Sign #1: You say yes out of guilt

Do you find yourself saying yes when you’d prefer to say no? Perhaps you even kick it up a notch and disguise your guilt behind acting like a cheerful giver.

 Don’t be fooled my friend. True cheerfulness doesn’t come from an exterior smile, but rather from an interior attitude. 

 If you’re constantly saying yes and later regretting it, then it’s likely you’ve set yourself to be taken advantage of by others.

 Oh, I’m not saying they’re not to blame for overstepping, but if someone is taking advantage of your good nature and you don’t stop it, there likely won’t be an end in sight.

 You might do well to get some help over why you struggle with guilt, why you fall for their outlandish stories of desperation, and why their approval is more important than your peace. 

 If you need help unpacking the pains of your past, we’ve connected with Faithful Counseling. They can help you find a counselor that is right for you. Click above for all the details. 

Sign #2: You avoid confrontation 

Do you consider yourself a peacekeeper? Perhaps your motto is ‘peace at all cost.’ 

What if I told that there’s a difference between being a peacekeeper and a peacemaker?

 The difference is, one is biblical, the other is not.

 Peacemakers have peace ruling within their hearts. 

 Peacekeepers usually have fear, anxiety and resentment ruling within them.

 Peacemakers are active. 

 Peacekeepers, on the other hand, are passive—and sometimes passive aggressive. They often go along to get along. They stay quiet so as not to disturb the peace even when a disturbance may be needed. 

Peacemakers are honest about their feelings and circumstances and will even expose lies so that the wounds can begin to heal. 

 Peacekeepers on the other hand are often in denial about feelings and circumstances. 

 Peacemakers look for harmony through reconciliation.

 Peacekeepers look for harmony through avoidance.

 Sign #3: You apologize—all the time

Is ‘I’m sorry’ your go-to response?

 While we’re called to repent of our wrongdoing, saying ‘I’m sorry’ just to keep others from experiencing bad feelings isn’t repentance, it’s enablement. AND it can make you a target for toxic people.

 Keep your apologies for when you’ve truly done something wrong. Don’t apologize to manage someone’s emotions and make them feel better. 

 If you struggle with feeling resentful after you apologize, it’s likely you’re struggling with codependency. To learn how to stop people-pleasing and start God-pleasing, check out my online course Conquering Codependency Biblically. All the details are here for you. 

 Sign #4: You go with the flow<