Divorce Coaches Academy

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In last week's episode, we talked about why people resist change and did a quick review of the 5 SCARF domains - status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness. Today, we want to dive deep into the domain of certainty and discuss how uncertainty impacts both resistance to change and conflict.

We consistently see a perfect storm of someone’s tolerance for risk, their resilience and their emotional intelligence come together to either weather the uncertainty and changes that divorce brings or create more waves by feeling afraid and resisting them.

To the human mind, uncertainty equals danger. If your brain doesn't know what’s coming next, it can’t protect you. So it has a tendency to assume the worst, over-personalize threats, and jump to conclusions. Did you know that our brains find psychological uncertainty just as (if not more) painful than actual physical pain?

We crave certainty and safety. No wonder the uncertainty of divorce has the potential to create so much chaos.

We discuss the results of scientific studies as well as research with elite athletes and then share 4 coaching strategies and some powerful questions to use with clients struggling with uncertainty. 

Our role is to support clients in their resilience, their decision making, and their emotional management so they are in the best possible position possible to deal with the almost guaranteed uncertainty that comes along with divorce and co-parenting.

Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Nov TED Talk Discussion Group: Sign Up Here
Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

In this episode, we’re talking about working with those clients whose resistance to change is creating obstacles to negotiation and could potentially be escalating conflict. And resistance to the inevitable changes that divorce brings can cause everything from avoidant behaviors to decision making that’s downright destructive.

As divorce coaches, helping clients examine and dismantle that resistance can go a long way toward creating a more collaborative divorce and co-parenting environment.

We talk about how people typically cope with and react to change, what resistance really is, common resistance patterns, and how it shows up in divorce and co-parenting.  Then we review the #1 tool you can use to help clients bust through the resistance that's keeping them stuck.

When we help clients gain clarity about the reasons behind their own resistance to change, we open up possibilities for growth.


Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

For many clients, the idea of facing mediation with a difficult spouse or co-parent is terrifying. It feels so much more comfortable to think about hiding behind an attorney and letting the justice system do its thing. But we know that not only is it possible, but it’s actually preferable to try to resolve things out of court with a difficult character. So today we're talking about helping clients feel confident that they can mediate with a narcissist, meanie or bully.

Side note: As a rule, we avoid the use of labels like narcissist, psychopath, borderline, or addict. Our goal is to help our client recognize patterns of behavior, identify what is within their control, and to empower them to take charge of their own decision making. We want to dispel the perception that this is happening TO them and instead support them in taking strategic actions and aligning their choices with their goals and values.

Experts in the field of conflict resolution are beginning to say that methods of alternative dispute resolution may work in your client’s favor and we discuss 8 of those reasons in today's episode.

• Court is the high conflict person's playground
• Costs can escalate quickly
• The legal process moves slowly
• Conflict can spiral out of control
• Children get caught in the crossfire
• Control is out of their hands
• Lose the ability to use de-escalation strategies
• Deceased compliance

So, while clients may feel that litigation is a safer alternative for dealing with their difficult spouse, by working with you they can gain the skills and confidence they need to try meditation. And by doing so, potentially avoid the expense, stress, and damage of a court battle.


Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Most divorces are not legally complicated, but there are two things in many divorce documents that complicate the process for clients and increase conflict … and that’s language. Language that’s difficult to understand or language that’s too vague to provide post-decree guidance. This week we're talking about how to help clients ditch the legalese and loose language in an effort to reduce conflict.

Have you ever seen a divorce settlement agreement that’s so full of latin words, statute reference numbers, long sentences, and outdated old english that you feel like you need a law degree to understand what it says? Yep, that’s legalese. And while lawyers seem to love it, the rest of us find it confusing, intimidating, and impossible to comprehend.

And then there's language that's so vague and open ended that it leaves the door open for future conflict. When details about who, when, where and how are omitted, we can run into post-decree compliance arguments. If the agreement simply says that parents have joint legal decision making, what happens if they can't come to agreement? There is so much opportunity to discuss options now that can prevent conflict later.

As divorce coaches, we can help clients feel confident their agreements aren’t filled with confusing legalese they don’t understand or loose language that could lead to future conflict. Of course, we need to be cautious that we aren’t participating in UPL, but we can work with clients to:

• Advocate for clear and complete language
• Review parts of their agreement that are unclear
• Explore needs, fears, what if's, and goals
• Document questions for the mediator/attorney
• Detail what they would like the agreement to say

When we empower our clients to advocate for clear, concise, and detailed language in their agreements, we set them up for success.


Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

A couple of weeks ago we talked about amicable divorce and explored the idea that there’s a wide space between being BFF’s and being mortal enemies. In this episode, we get into one of the sneaky issues that can drive conflict - and that’s decision making biases.

In his book "Thinking Fast and Slow", Daniel Kahneman introduces us to the idea of system 1 (fast, automatic) and system 2 (slow, methodical) decision making.  Our clients’ overtired and overworked brains are desperately seeking some relief; some way to get through the decision making process more quickly and with less effort. And so there are 6 shortcuts or biases that have a tendency to show up in divorce and coparenting that contribute to conflict and the inability to resolve differences.

• Status quo
• Loss aversion
• Anchoring
• Endowment effect
• Confirmation
• Overconfidence

 When clients allow defense mechanisms and survival emotions to run the show, they tend to make decisions based on fear and bias. And the result is escalating conflict. 

The antidote to system 1 biases is values based decision making. It is impossible to ignore or eliminate our biases, but we can help clients tune into what's truly important to them, so they can make decisions based on intention- which is values based. This might be a great time to consider using either the Best Self or Personal Values Exercise with your clients. As Roy Disney says “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are”.

Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Tracy and Debra are back on their microphones telling some truths this week. One of our absolute core values is to advocate for the professional practice of divorce coaching and yet we keep coming up against 2 things that make us crazy. The first one, we talked about a couple of weeks ago and that is individuals using the title of divorce coach without the proper training. If you missed that episode, it’s #74 and we recommend you give that a listen before you dive into this. It might give you some background and context.

But today, we really want to wrestle with the idea that there is no oversight in the divorce coaching industry. There’s no organization that determines which training programs meet minimum standards. Hell, no one has even defined what those standards are. 

We review some of the components of most professional designations and what's missing in the profession of divorce coaching including:

• Educational Standards/Requirements
• Residency/Supervision
• Examination
• Continuing Education

Finally, we tackle the trademark fallacy. A trademark is NOT an assurance of quality, it's NOT an assurance of standards, recognition or status - it’s just branding. For about $250, you file some paperwork with the USPTO and, voila!, you've got a trademark to protect the name of your company, your logo, or your program. Any language that suggests otherwise is intentionally misleading.

All we can do for now is continue to remind both potential learners and clients to pause before they believe everything they read. Encourage them to take responsibility for their own process and do their research, ask questions, and make sure they’re getting what they think they’re getting. A name, a trademark, fancy language, or a title doesn’t mean a thing in this world. It’s buyer beware. 

Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

When clients tell us that their goal is an amicable divorce, we wonder what their expectations are when they say that. What are they really anticipating their divorce experience will be like? So that’s the topic of today’s conversation. What does it mean to have an amicable divorce and if it’s not amicable, then what is it?

 In 2014, Goop ( Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle brand) published an article titled “Conscious Uncoupling” and that started a new wave of thinking about how couples could do this thing called divorce. But it's also gotten a bit twisted over the years and many people have gotten the idea that an "amicable" divorce means being BFF's with your ex, having family dinners, and vacationing together.

Somehow we've created this binary where a divorce is either amicable (meaning we get along all the time) or it's high conflict. But there's always conflict in divorce. So how can we work with clients to manage expectations when it comes to divorce conflict open them up to some new ways of thinking about what it means to be amicable?

We'll review some powerful questions as well as some tools and strategies you can use with clients to explore:

1.  The possibility that there is a wide space between being BFF’s and being enemies
2. The possibility that our client can show up amicably regardless of how their partner shows up

We believe an amicable divorce truly is possible for the majority of couples if we focus on those words pleasant, respectful and polite. And one key is working with your client to get past some of these limiting beliefs that the existence of conflict means that it’s not amicable. 

Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

This week, we’re taking the Stay or Go episode from a couple of week ago to the next step and we're talking about partnering with your client to develop an exit strategy. This means helping them gather the information they need and develop action plans to remove the fear and uncertainty around when and how to divorce. 

Fear is not only the obstacle that keeps individuals stuck in unhealthy, unhappy marriages unable to make decisions or take action, but it’s also the  #1 driver of cost and conflict in divorce.

Debra shares the results of an informal survey she did that showed that only 20% of respondents believed they had some or significant control over either the cost or the outcome of their divorce. We know clients have much more influence - they just need information and a strategy.

Failing to prepare thoughtfully when considering divorce can start things off in a way that quickly snowballs out of control. On the other hand, taking time, being strategic and establishing goals and priorities can pave the way for a good divorce if things go well. And it can protect clients in the event that things go poorly.

We'll review the 5 reasons an Exit Strategy (or divorce plan) is so incredibly helpful for clients and talk through some of the important elements of a solid plan. When we help clients identify and address their fears, our clients get a better outcome financially, relationally and emotionally.


Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

We’re noticing more and more people out here saying they’re divorce coaches, but when you dive into their bios, there’s no mention of coursework or certification in divorce coaching. They're using the title but don't have the training. 

In this episode we're going on a bit of a rant about everybody and their brother calling themselves a divorce coach, but we're also going to give you some guidance about how to advocate for the profession of divorce coaching and have hard conversations with others about the importance of certification and training.

We'll review the 4 main reasons using the title without the training is problematic for our profession:

1. We're already fighting a stigma/reputation issue
2. Diminishes the credibility of those who have done it
3. Makes it harder to earn a seat at the table
4. Confuses the public

Then we'll give you some scripts you can use if you get a networking request from someone using the title without the training.

Our goal in this episode is not to bash other professionals - it’s to continue the conversation and help you advocate for the profession of divorce coaching. And that starts with speaking up about the importance of certification and training. Because you never know...your courage to step into that conversation might be the spark to get someone on the path to certification.


Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Our clients often face big decisions about real estate, especially the marital home, but as we’ll discuss today, money matters in divorce aren’t just about the numbers. They frequently get complicated by big emotions, so we thought our guest Jody Bruns would be the perfect expert to talk us through the best way to support our clients in making smart, strategic  decisions when it comes to mortgage financing.

Jody is President and Founder of the Divorce Lending Association and is credited with establishing industry certification programs for both real estate and mortgage professionals working with divorcing clients. Jody takes her knowledge further as an approved continuing education provider for multiple bar associations and financial planning boards, educating attorneys, financial planners, and other divorce professionals on the underlying concerns when divorce and real estate meet head-on.

Listen in as we discuss the role of a CDLP®, how their specialized training sets them apart, and why having your client consult with one early in the process can both de-escalate conflict and result in a more satisfying settlement agreement. Here are just a few highlights from our conversation:

• No all mortgage lenders are the same - why the CDLP® designation matters
• Why bringing in a CDLP® earlier can improve outcomes for everyone
• How a CDLP® supports negotiation and proposal development
• Why emotions play such a big role in real estate decisions
• Where clients can find a CDLP® in their area

We know you'll enjoy getting to know Jody as much as we did.

Learn more and find a CDLP®: divorcelendingassociation.com

Learn more about DCA™ or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]