Divorce Coaches Academy

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Clients don’t always serve up their fears, goals, biases, needs, expectations, assumptions and thinking problems on a silver platter. Often they’re embedded deep inside their stories.  One of the most critical skills we develop as coaches is to hear what isn’t being said.  In today’s episode we dive into how excellent coaches train themselves to perform these Jedi mind tricks and how you can use those skills to create awareness and transformation for your client.

Why in the world are we calling these Jedi mind tricks? I mean what does Star Wars have to do with divorce coaching? What we’re actually talking about is being so connected to your client and what they’re saying to you that you’re able to use your training , discipline, and intuition to discern which clues, comments, and patterns require further exploration.

And we do that by doing 2 things consistently and doing them well - actively  listening and remaining fully present.

Listen in as we explore specific active listening skills, mindfulness techniques, and client scenarios to support you in perfecting your Jedi mind tricks.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

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These days everyone is talking about high conflict divorce, but is it always the other party? Today we thought we’d talk about those times when your client is contributing to the conflict and discuss some strategies for helping them identify when they’re getting in their own way.

Have you heard the saying “it takes two to tango”?  That may be true in dance, but in divorce, one person can change the routine. That’s where divorce coaches have the opportunity to help clients recognize when they might be falling into old patterns of conflict that are ineffective.

When we think of times when out client may be the one creating conflict or throwing fuel on the fire, we're reminded of Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero. The lyrics say:

Me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It can be difficult for clients to look in the mirror and accept the reality that poor emotional management, ineffective communication, lack of boundaries, unrealistic expectations, and short-term thinking are dialing up the conflict.

As professional divorce coaches, you have a variety of tools you can use to help clients see more clearly. While they may not be able to control their spouse's or co-parent's behavior, they can choose not the throw fuel on the fire. We discuss the stop, drop and roll strategy; BIFF, EAR, and GREATT communication strategies, reality testing, impact assessment, and exploring locus of control.

Martin Luther King, Jr has a famous quote that we adapted slightly here that perfectly reflects this idea that one person can change the dance of conflict:

“[Humans] are called upon not to be like a thermometer conforming to the temperature of [conflict], but [they] must be like a thermostat serving to transform the temperature of [conflict]”.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

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We talked earlier this year about why we hate toxic positivity and it obviously hit a nerve. It’s one of our most downloaded episodes, so we thought we’d unpack that a little more and spend some time chatting about why we want professional divorce coaches to stop referring to themselves as cheerleaders.

Cheerleader: be an enthusiastic supporter of someone or something

Coach: to teach, motivate, and support team members in reaching their potential

A cheerleader says "Yay, you can do it" but with the skill set you already have. On the other hand, a coach says "You can do it AND I’ll help you figure out what you need to be successful".

Positive thinking or what we call toxic positivity is unhelpful, breaks trust, and can cause damage when clients are struggling with some of the difficulties of divorce. It doesn't include help to acquire the skills or insight to overcome the barriers or be able to accomplish their goals.

Divorce coaching is a form of ADR - our job is to help our clients manage conflict, not ignore it. And in order to do that hard work of skill development or self-reflection, we need to build a foundation of trust by validating the client's feelings, not stepping over them.

In other words, we have to name it to tame it to reframe it. Supporting clients to identify and process those emotions puts them in a better place to be ready to take action in their divorce or co-parenting process. And that's our ultimate goal.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

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There’s a lot of confusion out there about what being a certified divorce coach means and why it matters. Advocating for the profession of divorce coaching is part of our mission here at DCA™ and today we’re talking about how important it is that anyone calling themselves a divorce coach have the proper training and credentials.

If we want professional recognition and a seat at the table, we need to start raising the bar. And speaking of bar...recall that the American Bar Association recognizes divorce coaching as a form of alternative dispute resolution. Not advice-giving, advocacy, or consultancy. Not cheerleaders or positive psychology peddlers. And not life coaches.

We are ADR specialists. In order to call ourselves professional divorce coaches, we need to have rigorous training that includes both an ADR foundation and coaching frameworks, demonstrate competency under the guidance of a mentor coach, and adhere to a code of ethics and professional conduct.

One of the things that really muddies the waters in the world of divorce coaching is that there is no international, national or state certifying body. There are many training programs that provide varying levels and types of education, but no overseer that insures these programs align with the ABA ADR-based definition.

Trademarks, logos and taglines are great - but they only mean that a program or organization has protected their name legally, not that they've been granted any authority. And DCA™ does not intend to pursue ICF accreditation because we do not align with their general coaching competencies - more specific tools and skills are required for effective conflict resolution and work as an ADR practitioner.

We hope you'll join us on our mission to raise the bar on the professional practice of divorce coaching so we can all get a seat at the table.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Mediation is becoming more and more popular as a means for couples to negotiate their divorce and co-parenting agreements. And many courts are now requiring mediation before hearing or trial dates can be set. But clients who aren’t properly prepared for mediation often make common mistakes that are obstacles to successful negotiation. Today we want to talk about a few of these mistakes and how you, as a divorce coach, can help set your client up for a better mediation experience.

Mistake #1: Not understanding the process or the role of the mediator
SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients understand that the mediator is a neutral facilitator and their role is to provide a fair process, not a fair outcome. Clients don't need to "make their case" to the mediator or worry that the mediator will "like" their spouse better. We support our client to identify what kind of mediation process they want, participate in selection of the right mediator, and prepare for engaging effectively in the process.

Mistake #2: Letting emotions run the show
SOLUTION: We support our client in developing skills that allow them to respond strategically rather than react emotionally including tools to tolerate distress.  We work to help them focus on solutions and the future rather than problems and the past. And we do some reality testing around the idea of emotional justice.

Mistake #3: Being unprepared to negotiate
SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients identify underlying interests (both their own and those of the other party) to avoid engaging in positional bargaining. We assist with flexible thinking and proposal development and well as strategic language and decision making.

If you'd like to learn more about helping clients be more prepared for mediation, join the waitlist for the next session of Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach training - a 6-week intensive to get you ready to support clients through the process.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

We talked last week about what can happen when new coaches get distracted by the latest market trends and shiny objects.  This week, we want to continue the conversation and chat about the importance of ongoing professional development. Because growing a divorce coaching practice isn't easy and it's certainly not a one-time event.

A general rule of thumb is to allocate about 10% of your gross revenue to professional development. But keep in mind, that many continuing education expenses are tax-deductible for you if you're self-employed.

By continuing to expand your knowledge, you'll gain confidence and that will translate into a higher consult call conversion rate and raving client fans. Ongoing professional development allows you to dive deeper into areas of interest to help focus your programs and offerings. And expertise or additional certifications provide credibility and/or may allow you to raise your rates over time.

We hear many new coaches say that they can't afford to invest in continuing education because they're not making money yet. But there are tons of free or low cost ways to learn and grow. The ABA, APFM and AFCC all offer affordable memberships for divorce coaches and give you access to free webinars and resources. Your local or state court or bar association may be another source for low-cost or even free educational opportunities.

Not only will you expand your knowledge base, improve your coaching skills, and stay current with the trends in divorce, but you'll meet lots of other professionals that can be referral or collaboration partners.

Certification is just the first step, If you want to keep growing your business, you have to keep growing too.

You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Trying to decide where to start or what to do next when it comes to your business can feel overwhelming at times. It's easy to see the latest shiny trend and lose focus.  Debra and Tracy discuss how to navigate this difficult process, how to simplify your approach, and how to know what's working in today's episode.

When it comes to trying to grow your business, we all tend to look for inspiration from people who are already where you want to be. The important word here though is INSPIRATION! Trying to do everything that person is doing is a surefire way to end up confused and tired.

KISS isn't just a great band, but a good reminder that sometimes less is more. I'm talking about "Keep It Simple Silly"!

It's easy to lose focus of your goal without a proper plan. It's like chucking spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. How are you going to know what's making a difference in your business if you don't know which piece of spaghetti is making the impact?

A great practice to help with this is tracking your Key Performance Indicators (KPI's). Having data specific to each new approach you take will help you understand not only what's bringing in new clients, but how to better allocate your resources.

It's important to remember that new followers or business contacts does not equal new clients. Make sure that what you're doing with your business is bringing in NEW BUSINESS. Followers and contacts don't make you money!

Ask yourself this....are you just making yourself busy or are you getting results?

You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

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When clients punt responsibility for their divorce decisions to others, it's a recipe for regret and resentment. In today's episode, Tracy and Debra discuss why this happens, what the repercussions are for the client, and what you can do to help.

We get it. Clients beginning the divorce process are scared. There's so much they don't understand and many assume they simply go hire an attorney and that's all they need to do. Their attorney will protect them and work for their best interests.

Ah, but it isn't that simple. Abdicating responsibility for decision making to an attorney or other professional just leaves clients feeling confused, disempowered, frustrated, and angry. These are the people that feel victimized and are still talking about their divorce 5 or 10 years after the fact.

If a client wanted to remodel their kitchen, they wouldn't let their contractors set the budget, decide where to put the electrical outlets or choose the backsplash tile. Why are they so quick to hand their power over in divorce?

As a divorce coach, our job is to help our clients take back the reins. To support them in learning to use their voice, ask questions, communicate clearly and directly, and use their divorce team members as contractors. Certainly, they may need the assistance of attorneys or financial professionals for their expertise, but our client is the decision maker.

When you can support your client to stay engaged and be in charge of their own divorce, instead of punting that to someone else, they'll be able to make informed, intentional decisions. And that's a win.

You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

Let's just sum up this episode by saying that self-reflection can be a bitch. As divorce coaches, we frequently ask clients to examine their own unproductive behaviors or thought patterns, consider alternative perspectives, or take actions that feel difficult or scary. This process of pushing clients outside of their comfort zone is what Debra calls a "love shove".

And it's not uncommon for clients to have a reaction, sometimes an angry one, when we ask them to get uncomfortable - especially when it involves reflecting on their own choices, behaviors, or expectations.

In this episode we explore 3 common responses (shut down, push back, and disconnect) that you might get from clients when you've given them a love shove and how you can handle each of them.

Spoiler alert: in most cases, an apology on your part is not warranted. They hired you because what they're doing isn't working and they need your help to make a change. Their reaction to your love shove is typically about their resistance to change and not about your competence or your intention.

When this happens, the first step is always for you to do your own reflective practice.  Review the coaching session, how you showed up as a coach, your intentions, and your process. Assuming you stayed in your coaching zone, then we discuss ways to respond to the 3 common client reactions:

Shut down: Lean into their reaction and ask what's going on with them - don't ignore or step over the non-verbal cues
Push back: Acknowledge their anger and clarify how you can present these issues to them in the future in a way they can receive it better
Disconnect: Give them space to sit with their own feelings until they're ready to re-engage - you don't need to fix it for them

What you've been presented with is an opportunity - a chance to model for them what healthy conflict resolution and relationship repair looks like. Stay in your personal power, allow them to have their feelings, and move toward more effective future communication.

Remember that growth is uncomfortable. If your clients occasionally have strong reactions to your reality testing, managing expectations, or love shoves, that means you're doing your job well. Don't panic.


You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)

We have a treat for you this week. Tracy is joined by fellow Divorce Coach Michelle Browning who also happens to be a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner.

They discuss the physical experience of divorce and how Michelle's practices help clients come into alignment with their nervous systems.

Michelle says "we're not logical, we're biological" and we can't ignore how the physical body is impacted by all the restructuring that divorce brings. Have you ever been told to "calm down" when you're having a normal human reaction to something? We find out that's a big personal trigger for Tracy. Michelle explains how and why our nervous system gets triggered or activated and how we can create safety in our bodies to return to a more flexible, problem-solving state of being.

When clients' bodies and nervous systems are activated, they may think and behave in ways they normally wouldn't. Michelle explains how this can lead to shame which can feed the conflict cycle.

Listen in for some great coaching tips and for more information about Michelle's upcoming 4-week class at DCA™ - Coaching Divorce Overwhelm: A Somatic Approach which begins on March 13.

You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Divorce Coach Certification: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com/pages/divorcecoach
Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: [email protected]