What really confuses me is I feel like I am owning all of these “feelings” I have every day, every waking hour of my life. How do we let go, come home, and be home?

I wake up, my MIND immediately goes to my teeth, (When I lost everything ($$) with the cancers, I had to stop going to the dentist and now I am embarrassed because every piece of food must be cut up, several teeth are missing, and I haven’t felt comfortable to smile for several years now. I feel horrible about myself. My dad used to tell me my smile lit up my face. I feel really stupid telling you this.

I can give you many other direct feelings and if I cut to the chase, I am miserable. I feel like I have never really been myself and am always trying to “let go”. I have no other explanation for why I feel this way day after day after day and haven’t been able to shake it off.

I have mentioned my  boys. They are 14 and I want to be a better example for them. Nothing in my relationship has been anywhere close to being full of love. I can give you a long explanation and it would make sense, BUT it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a loser in their eyes. I am sure they can sense my unrest and negativity. I do.

No more excuses, reasons, and examples. Why won’t my GOD help me? How do I get home? What am I missing? I know there is no “I” intellectually, and yet I so desperately want to “let go”, “be”, just feel good. Like I am making a difference. I am so sick of being miserable. I hate it. I want off the ledge and I have no idea how to just be, let go. Is life supposed to be this way?

Amy Johnson asked me if everything was fixed, my home was paid for, my teeth were fixed, I have “LOVE”, I am loving my daily existence (Work, since I still have to. I’m feeling trapped with no one to take care of me if I fall.), my boys and I were closer, would it make a difference, and would I be happy? I’m not sure. Maybe GOD put me on this earth to be miserable. To suffer!

I am so tired, Clare. I try to let go, and I am still miserable.