en(gender)ed

On today's show, our guest is Ashley Bendiksen, a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault who has transformed her experience to become a vocal advocate, activist and public speaker on issues related to ending gender-based violence. Her work centers on reaching youth and helping empower them to engage in self-discovery and end abuse. Ashley speaks with us about her experiences as a survivor and how she has used those experiences to engage advocacy groups, first responders and other professional audiences on how to help victims transition from survive to thrive.

During the interview, our conversation referenced the following resources:

• Victims' Bill of Rights in NY
• Chicago's Mercy Hospital domestic violence mass shooting
• Establishing a Domestic Violence Registry in NY

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On today's show, our guest is Maria Santiago, a survivor of childhood domestic violence or family violence, a protective parent, and a decades long advocate for survivors of intimate partner violence. Maria is employed as a violence prevention educator in a NYC non-profit organization and works on elder justice reform in the Latino community as well on behalf of victims in the immigrant community. Maria is also recognized for her role as a founding member of NYC's Voices of Women Organizing Project and for her capacity-building trainings to the NYC Administration for Children's Services and to their contracted preventive agencies. Maria brings to us a perspective of domestic violence on children, the cycle of abuse, and how advocacy can be a vital part of the survivor's journey towards healing.

After the interview, Maria and I discussed her use of the word "hoe" as a slut-shaming tactic. She would like to express her regret for using that term. Throughout our conversation, Maria interweaves #abusertactics, #signsofabuse, and #upstandertips.

During the interview, our conversation referenced the following resources:

• NYS's Statute of Limitations (SOL) on Child Sexual Abuse. Since the interview, NYS has passed the Child Victim's Act, extending the SOL on child sexual abuse crimes to age 28 in criminal cases, and 50 in civil cases. Under the previous law, once a sex abuse victim turns 18, he or she has five years to report the crime to law enforcement officials.
• Eve Ensler's "A Letter to White Women Who Support Brett Kavanaugh" on her own child sexual abuse
• bell hook's All About Love

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

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Welcome back to the show and Happy New Year!

We are excited to be able to share with you an updated website that offers as easy way to search for an episode by theme, as well as quick references to the resources shared on each episode, including the books, articles, and podcasts that are discussed in our interviews. In addition, we have a gallery of past guests and the organizations they represent.

If you are new to podcasts, we also have a "How to Listen" guide that can show you step-by-step instructions on how to subscribe and on which platform. Take a look around our website and stay tuned to our new episode coming up next week!

We also published a new blog post about new programs being piloted in NYC. Take a look at it and feel free to share and write to the NYC Domestic Violence Task Force directly with any feedback to the article. The email is at the end of the post.

As always, we look forward to your feedback and ideas, and any interest you may have to be a guest on our show.

Until next week, happy listening and exploring!

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

This is the fifth "Reflections" episode where I examine a series of interviews with my friend, Michael. He joins me as we reflect back on episodes 25 ("Brock Turner for Prison" Facebook Group Founders on Rape Culture & #MeToo), 26 (Tammy Cho, Co-Founder of Better Brave on Workplace Harassment and Discrimination), 27 (Council Member Jennifer Gates on the Dallas Domestic Violence Task Force), and 28 (Paul Griffin, Legal Director of Child Justice Inc. on "It's Worse to Accuse than to Abuse"). These stories reveal the ways in which institutional sexism, misogyny and harassment show up in our systems--in courtrooms, in our places of employment, and in our media.

Michael and I used to work together and served many students who were not in school or not working and were looking to develop skills to go back to school or to find a job. The young people we were helping often had their systemic barriers exacerbated by personal conflict in their lives that were difficult to manage, such as parents who didn't prioritize their education or work over their care-taking responsibilities, or romantic partners who were not helping to parent, didn't support their efforts to better themselves, and/or engaged in deliberate patterns of behavior to sabotage their school and/or work.

I was interested in Michael's perspective on the topics covered in our shows so far, especially since the majority of listeners are, not surprisingly, female. I hope you will find this episode engaging and, for the male listeners, an entree into your own exploration of what en(gender)ed has to offer you.

During our reflection, we talked about these additional resources:

• News article titled, "Law was meant to let American Indians prosecute violence; is it working?"
• The Radiolab episode on consent: "In the No: Part 1"
• The share of female CEOs in Fortune 500 companies
• Why men don't want "pink-collar" women done mostly by women and how their wives are partly to blame, and how employers can make their job ads less "feminine-sounding" to appeal more to men

Don't forget to subscribe to our show!

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

On this #SurvivorStories episode, we speak with Lana, a protective mother whose failed plight to seek help from the legal and justice systems in New York City for her daughter has led her to find refuge in Russia. Lana describes the police, court and child welfare response when she first suspected her toddler daughter was being sexually abused by her father. She has since adopted the protective parent nomer as a result of their collective unwillingness to believe and protect her daughter--despite medical evidence. Reflecting on her continued struggles, Lana will share the #signsofabuse that first directed her to seek help and the ways in which helpers in the system became unwilling enablers of the abuse. Lana also suggests #upstandertips for how friends, family and help providers can be more effective in making the child's safety a priority over the abusers' parenting rights.

**Trigger Warning** for those who may be experiencing similar challenges as protective parents or sexual assault survivors. Our goal in sharing these stories is to debunk the myth that predators and abusers have a limited or a particular profile or come from a narrow demographic, so that when protective parents or children disclose, you will not disbelieve, victim blame, deny, minimize or shift accountability away from the perpetrator to the victim, and for us as a society to really begin to step up to act with openness, acceptance and compassion.

Update: Since the recording of this interview, Lana has had two court dates in the United States. On October 18th, Lana reports that the GAL or her daughter's Guardian ad Litem told the court that she didn't know where the children where, despite Lana's more than sixty text messages with the GAL sharing news and updates on her daughter's well-being. As a result of this false accusation, Lana's case was adjourned to November 30th. On that day, the judge forbade Lana from filing a motion she prepared to seek protection for her daughter. At the same time, Lana's husband filed a motion for custody citing his primary caretaker status.

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

In our #SurvivorStories Series episode, we feature "Caitlin"--a protective mother who shares custody of her two children with her ex-husband. Caitlin describes how her ex-husband's behavior revealed signs of abuse that she didn't want to acknowledge nor understand. As Caitlin began to realize that her relationship was one of psychological and emotional abuse, began to seek help and advice from therapists, attorneys and the court, none of whom were able to understand, acknowledge or protect her and her children. Caitlin considers herself one of the "lucky" ones whose claims of abuse, though minimized and not held to account, didn't result in the too often retaliation against protective mothers through placement of the children's custody with the abuser. It is Caitlin's wish that by sharing her story, more people can understand how abuser tactics work to discredit abuse and protect the abuser from being held accountable and the children from being safe.

During this episode, the following resources were referenced. You can learn more by exploring the links below:

• The arrest and conviction of Chris Watts for the murder of his pregnant wife and two kids
• The Town of Castle Rock v. Gonzalez Supreme Court Case which effectively interpreted restraining orders are not mandatory to enforce
• The organization, Peace Over Violence, that provided services to Caitlin
• Why domestic violence advocates find presumptive shared parenting dangerous for survivors, and a more detailed analysis by the Battered Women's Justice Project
• Joint custody presumptions and domestic violence exceptions, by state
• Joan Meier's study on how court view domestic violence and child abuse claims

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

In this #SurvivorSeries episode, we speak with Anita Gera, a protective mother from Great Britain. In 2014, Anita went to British government to seek protection against her abusive and controlling ex-husband, an American pilot who was based in Arizona. Over the next year, through her ex-husband's misuse of the Hague Convention, Anita's case brought her back to Arizona and resulted in a divorce and custody decision that would dramatically change the course of Anita and her children's lives. She has not been able to see her children, now eleven and thirteen years old, since August 2015. Anita doesn't know when she will be able to see her children again, as she has neither the means nor resources to enforce her parenting time with her children, and fears that doing so would put them at greater risk of harm by their father. Anita is here with us today to talk about her experience as a survivor of domestic violence and coercive control, share #abusertactics and #upstandertips for how we can better support families in situations like hers.

You can learn more about Anita's story by exploring the below links:

• How CAN they say I abducted my own daughter? Heartbreak of British mothers forced to send their children abroad... to foreign fathers exploiting international child abduction laws in custody battles
• BBC World interview, October 12, 2017
• The link to the non-profit Anita co-founded--Global Action on Relocation and Return with Kids (Global Arrk)

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

This is the fourth "Reflections" episode where I examine a series of interviews with my friend, Michael. He joins me as we reflect back on episodes, 18 (Laura Fernandez of Sanctuary for Families on serving survivor needs and trauma from abuse) and 19 (Lisa Fischel-Wolovick on "Traumatic Divorce and Separation"), 20 (#SurvivorStories with Rosaura Torres Thomas on abuse when your partner is a cop) and 21 (#SurvivorStories with Jordan on leaving his fundamentalist Christian home and the intersection of power and religion), stories about the impact of domestic violence on survivors and children.

Michael and I used to work together and served many students who were not in school or not working and were looking to develop skills to go back to school or to find a job. The young people we were helping often had their systemic barriers exacerbated by personal conflict in their lives that were difficult to manage, such as parents who didn't prioritize their education or work over their care-taking responsibilities, or romantic partners who were not helping to parent, didn't support their efforts to better themselves, and/or engaged in deliberate patterns of behavior to sabotage their school and/or work.

I was interested in Michael's perspective on the topics covered in our shows so far, especially since the majority of listeners are, not surprisingly, female. I hope you will find this episode engaging and, for the male listeners, an entree into your own exploration of what en(gender)ed has to offer you.

During our reflection, we talked about these additional resources:

• "ACEs" or Adverse Childhood Experiences and trauma impacts on children
• The "Cinderella myth" and its harms
• The Deborah Epstein interview with NPR about the NFL's culture of misogyny
• The Hunting Ground documentary of campus sexual assault and rape
• Excerpts from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's book, Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions
• The concept of "coverture" and how women were considered the "property" or chattel of their husband
• Eve Ensler's post: "A Letter to White Women Who Support Brett Kavanaugh"
• Lady Gaga's comments on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert about trauma from sexual assault in reference to the Kavanaugh Hearings

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

On this episode, our guest is Paul Griffin, Legal Director at Child Justice, Inc., one of the few organizations in the country dedicated to ensuring a child's right to be legally protected from an abusive parent. As Legal Director, Paul – along with his colleague, Alexandra Sandacz -- represents non-abusive, protective parents in child-custody cases in which there is evidence of domestic violence or child abuse. Paul also works to coordinate the pro bono legal work that well-respected law firms offer to protect these victims who may otherwise become "lost in the system" after exposure to family violence, physical and or sexual abuse, substance addictions, or neglect.

On today's show, Paul will be speaking to us about his work at Child Justice as well as his other advocacy work on behalf of abused children and share insights from both cautionary and success tales, strategies and recommendations for how we can strengthen our laws and update our practices to ensure that children's safety is a priority over abusers' parenting rights.

During our conversation, Paul and I referenced the following links and articles:

• The "It's Normal to be Normal" child sexual abuse study
• The book, The Sociopath Next Door
• The book, The Witch-Hunt Narrative: Politics, Psychology, and the Sexual Abuse of Children
• The passing of House Congressional Resolution 72 which places child safety as a priority in child custody cases
• The Holt v. Holt case in Maryland where the abusive Air Force Colonel father won custody over the children and ignored evidence of abuse
• An illustration of Child Justice's phrase: "It's Worse to Accuse than it is to Abuse" in the Holt case: Failure To Protect: Air Force Handling Of Colonel's Child Sex Assault Charges Raises Questions
• The Nicholas Bala study that shows that the rate of father's reporting false abuse is 16x higher than mothers
• Joan Meier's (of DV LEAP) research on how courts view allegations of domestic abuse, child abuse or child sexual abuse
• The use of "junk science" or "Parental Alienation" theories by abusers as a defense against allegations of domestic violence or child abuse
• Resources that address how "Parental Alienation" is used to discredit allegations of abuse in custody cases
• The use of the Frye/Daubert standards to challenge the admissibility of "parental alienation" in courts as an attack against abuse allegations
• Dr. Daniel Saunders' DOJ report on Child Custody Evaluators' Beliefs About Domestic Abuse Allegations: Their Relationship to Evaluator Demographics, Background, Domestic Violence Knowledge and Custody Visitation Recommendations
• Deborah Epstein's research on how judges misunderstood survivors in court in her paper: "Discounting Credibility: Doubting the Testimony and Dismissing the Experiences of Domestic Violence Survivors and Other Women"

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we have partnered with the Lone Star Parity Project to bring you this episode. Lone Star is featuring women working in the field of domestic violence prevention and on this episode of en(gender)ed, our guest is Jennifer Staubach Gates, a Dallas City Council Member representing District 13. First elected in 2013, Councilmember Gates won a new term in the general election on May 6, 2017. In her role as Council Member, she serves as the Chair of the Government Performance and Financial Management Committee and sits on the Public Safety as well as the Arts and Culture and Libraries. She is also the Co-Chair of the Visit Dallas Board of Directors.

We speak with Council Member Gates about her role as the Chair for Dallas the Domestic Violence Task Force, which seeks to create a systemic response to end domestic violence in Dallas and to bridge communication between the Dallas Police Department (DPD), the District Attorney's office, judges, and community partners. Council Member Gates will also share with us how this collaboration has strengthened the responses to domestic violence for Dallas residents and its plans for improved community coordination.

• The Dallas Mayor's personal experience with domestic violence and his commitment taking guns away from abusers
• Dallas Domestic Violence Task Force Annual Report 2016-2017
• An update on Dallas' gun retrieval program from domestic violence offenders: Failure to seize guns from domestic abusers 'unacceptable,' Dallas officials say

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Thanks for tuning in to the en(gender)ed podcast!

Be sure to check out our en(gender)ed site and follow our blog on Medium.

Consider donating because your support is what makes this work sustainable.

Please also connect with us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Don't forget to subscribe to the show!