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Welcome to the blueprint podcast where we throw old the old blueprint so you can become who you were always meant to be. I’m your host, Jason Smith, and if you haven’t already make sure you click the subscribe button and share this episode with your friends on social media and tag me in it @jbirdfit.

In this week's episode we are going to answer a really common question the anxious attacher often asks, Does the avoidant ever recognize they were half of the problem?

My quick answer is, why does it matter to you?

Unless you are still with this person there is nothing more for you to try to understand about this relationship. You’ve already exhausted everything there is to talk about through text message arguments and elevated emotions. This person gave you no additional information because they are currently working from their subconscious and don’t have the emotional capacity in this moment to see what you see or to see things from your perspective. You want a reason why, you want closure, you want clarity, but what you really want to know is what you did wrong to cause this because it must be your fault, everything is your fault, but what if I told you, you didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t bad, you’re not being punished, there nothing to fight for, and nothing is being taken away from you. Although it may feel exactly like that. What if, it’s something that’s going on inside of the other person and the way you present yourself and relate to them in relationships triggers their attachment system. When that happens their emotional capacity is greatly diminished, and they default to old patterns and coping mechanisms which is to pull away to be and feel safe? What if this wasn’t about you? Can you accept that? Can you make peace with that? What is it about this relationship that makes you desire to stay in it when your needs aren’t being met and you feel crazy trying to understand what’s happening, what you did wrong, and how can you fix it?  

I commend you for being able to recognize that something isn’t going well in the relationship and that you have a desire to work to solve whatever the problem is. That’s very healthy and shows you already have honed some skills that are necessary to create interdependence within a relationship. So, celebrate that win!

Recognizing one's role in relationship issues can be challenging for anyone, including avoidant individuals. However, it is possible for avoidant individuals to become more aware of their contribution to relationship difficulties with time, self-reflection, and personal growth. Did you catch that? It means they have to be willing to do the work. It takes two in a relationship to bring resolution to issues, problems, and conflicts but they have to be a willing participant and you both have to be willing to take ownership and create neutrality around a subject to bring resolution and no the relationship isn’t over just because you had a disagreement.

The Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a tendency to distance oneself emotionally from others to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. Intimacy is one of the avoidants greatest fears that often stems from someone close to them (caregiver) breaking trust with the avoidant thus solidifying at a young age that the avoidant can and has to take care of themselves because no one else is going to do it. Care was inconsistent or non-existent. This distancing behavior can lead to difficulties in forming close and secure connections with partners. In some cases, avoidant individuals may struggle to acknowledge their role in relationship problems because they tend to prioritize self-reliance and independence because again, trust was broken

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