The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

Today is our season three finale . It has been an absolute privilege watching Rachel and Mike untangle their negative cycles, and they open today's session with the ultimate proof that the work is paying off .

When a major trigger hit just two nights ago, the script flipped entirely . Instead of his typical silent shutdown and her sharp tongue, Mike paused and shared the vulnerable feelings he was processing, allowing Rachel to meet him with compassion instead of anger . By slowing down, they turned what would have historically been a catastrophic fight into an opportunity to bond .

In this finale, we walk through the TEMPO framework (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection, Organization) that helped them get here . Mike also opens up about the paralyzing "doom and gloom" fear he carries when they go into a state of disconnection .

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is universal. When your nervous system is deeply accustomed to chaos, peace can actually feel scary and alarming because it brings up fears of losing what feels so good.

As we near the end of our time with Rachel and Mike, they are finally finding real stability. Mike has been stepping up in wonderfully subtle ways, intentionally checking in during a "midweek lull" with a small hand gesture that gave Rachel an immense sense of safety and lightness. However, because they haven't had a major rupture in a while, Rachel is starting to panic. She admits that it is entirely foreign to her not to be sliding into a negative cycle, and she has no idea how to sit and enjoy the goodness. Today, we navigate that new quiet space. We also use their hard-earned stability to unpack one of the heaviest unspoken resentments in their marriage: the fact that Rachel left everything she knew to move into Mike's world, and how painfully alone she has felt in that sacrifice.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

Have you ever tried to set a boundary or express that you were uncomfortable only to be told that you're just being too sensitive or a stick in the mud? You know, when you hear that enough times, you stop trusting your own gut and start believing that maybe you are the problem.

Today we dive deep into that exact wound with Rachel. We trace her deep-seated belief that she's defective back to its roots, exploring heavy memories from a past relationship where she constantly had to be the responsible one while someone else was acting unsafely. She was simply trying to prevent disaster, but instead of being thanked, she was humiliated and told she didn't know how to have fun. When you are left entirely alone with that kind of shame, it builds a thick layer of armor. In this session, we rewrite that script. Watch as Rachel bravely asks Mike for the exact emotional protection she was denied in the past, and witness Mike step up without even flinching to simply sit with her pain.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

We can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection.

When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to stay on the dock and pull her back up—but this time, they were both so depleted that Mike jumped off the other side, leaving them both swimming with nobody to pull them to safety. For Rachel, this brought up a painful, ancient narrative. Instead of just seeing two stressed partners, her nervous system told her she was defective. In this session, we reframe what it means to be guarded. For so long, Rachel viewed her emotional wall as a massive block of ice she needed to hack down. Today, we explore why the only real way to remove an ice wall is to slowly warm up the environment until it dissolves on its own.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

Mike recently received some great news about a major work project, but instead of celebrating, he admits to Rachel that he is quietly carrying a massive amount of pressure behind his "professional poker face".

In this session, we trace this habit of emotional isolation straight back to its origin. We discover that when Mike struggled as a child, his parents' anxiety would spike, teaching him the painful lesson that his negative emotions were a burden. To protect his family, he learned to bury his feelings and simply "focus on what's good". Today, Mike brings that vulnerability into the room, and Rachel gets the opportunity to show him that she doesn't need him to be perfectly stress-free—she just needs him to be honest about where he is.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

Today, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list".

When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage everyone's comfort, tracing his habit of "going with the flow" straight back to his childhood. Witness what happens when Mike drops his defenses to validate Rachel's pain, and she asks for the one thing her nervous system needs to truly trust him again.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

Doing real emotional work is physically exhausting. When Mike logs on for this session, the very first thing he shares is that he feels completely "taxed and jumbled". He is asking his brain to operate in an emotional language it was never taught to speak.

Today, we trace that language barrier straight back to its origin. We dive into Mike's family history, examining the impact of a grandfather who was "straight business" and a father who was "avoidant to the core emotionally". In that environment, Mike learned early on that you don't feel things—you brush them off, distract yourself, and simply "go with the flow" to keep the peace. But as we peel back the layers of a recent conflict, we uncover a completely different truth about how this impacts his marriage. Mike's passivity wasn't an act of pushing Rachel away; it was a desperate, silent attempt to invite her in and beg her to help him manage a lifetime of fear. The moment he is able to articulate this fear instead of weaponizing it, Rachel doesn't pull away—her empathy system opens wide.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort?

If you've been listening this season, you know Mike usually defaults to logic and defense mechanisms when things get tense. Today, we look directly at what happens in the split-second after a trigger. Mike admits that his absolute first instinct when Rachel is upset is to justify and explain, noting that if he can do so successfully, he can stay out of the agonizing feeling of being a failure. By helping Mike slow down and sit in the physical tension of that fear, he is finally able to tell Rachel the truth: he isn't pushing her away; he is pushing away the pain he doesn't want to face. It's an honest look at how our protections often create the exact disconnection we are trying to avoid, and Rachel finds a lot of relief in finally hearing his authentic self.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Following Mike's admission of withholding the truth, Rachel is experiencing a very healthy, righteous anger. But today, we pivot away from blaming Mike's behavior and guide Rachel directly into her own vulnerability.

We uncover a heartbreaking core belief: Rachel is terrified to let Mike help her because her life experiences have taught her that "reliance equals abandonment". From an absent father to the tragic loss of her late husband, Rachel's nervous system has learned that the people you lean on always disappear. We trace this fear back to her childhood, where she learned to deny her own pain because the adults in her life dismissed it. Witness what happens when we stop fighting about the lies and start fighting for the right to take up emotional space.

Please help support the podcast by leaving us a five-star rating on Spotify and Apple. Thank you so much to Rachel and Mike for their incredible vulnerability, and thank you all for listening.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

Think about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust.

Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which he withheld. We map out the exact anatomy of this lie, discovering that Mike isn't a malicious deceiver, but a terrified partner who uses omission as the ultimate escape hatch when his fear of failing Rachel becomes unbearable. Witness the powerful shift when Mike finally takes accountability, and Rachel is hit with a flood of relief as she realizes she wasn't crazy to trust her own gut.

As always, we want to hear from you. Send your questions, your breakthroughs, or a voice note to [email protected], and please leave us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple!

Not sure what your attachment style is? Take the free quiz, three minutes, and you'll get your style plus what to do about it. https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/attachment-style-quiz?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

More from Julie:

* Free homework for every session of the podcast https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/homework?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Secure Love, the national bestseller https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/secure-love-relationship-book?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* The Secure Love Club, 100+ hours of recorded sessions, plus live group meetings with Julie https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/the-secure-love-club?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog

* Work with a coach, schedule a 15-minute call to see if we're a fit https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/relationship-coaching?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=secure_love_podcast&utm_content=back-catalog