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Episode 118: What To Do When The Parent Group Chat Becomes A Problem
Technology is absolutely amazing.
Smartphones, internet, facial recognition software, AI, self-driving cars, artificial hearts, 3D printers, robots, GPS, wearable devices, the cloud and virtual reality have helped change our lives for the better.
We also know that technology comes with its share of challenges.
A parent group chat on WhatsApp, Facebook or a Smartphone can be an awesome place for sharing information about school events, giving reminders about spirit week and communicating changes to the time that the basketball team will be getting back to the school.
But, these chat groups can also go down the wrong path and quickly devolve into teacher-bashing, judging parenting styles and critiques of the 4th Grade Math curriculum.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss What To Do When The Parent Group Chat Becomes A Problem.
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode118
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, • where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So a couple of years ago at school, um, there was a sixth grader, • • and I think it was at lunchtime or recess, and they walked up to me and they said, Mr. Minkus, how old are you? • • And so I have a standard answer for that. And I said, I was born before man walked on the moon. • • • • And I got the desired reaction, um, you know, from their facial expression. And also they, of course, said, oh, you're so old. • And, you know, when you think about what happened on • • that July day in 1969, the fact that we could put a man on the moon, men on the moon, and return them safely to the earth with the technology that was available in 1969, it's just incredible. But what's even more amazing • is the technology that we have today. And much of it just really took off, um, in the last 10 years, last 15 years. And I'm talking about smartphones and the Internet, • facial recognition software, • • artificial intelligence, self driving cars, • • 3D printers, robots, GPS, artificial hearts, wearable • • technology, the cloud, virtual reality, and the list goes on and on. And we've just become so used to it. • • • Technology is amazing, but technology also comes with its own set of challenges. And that's certainly true when parents at your school connect on WhatsApp and, you know, Mu'and dad's Facebook group or in a text group. • • And these groups can be awesome for sharing information about school events and reminders about spirit week and changes to the time that the basketball team will be getting back to the school from their away game. • • • • But these chat groups can also go down the wrong path and quickly • • devolve into teacher bashing and judging parenting styles and critiquing the fourth grade math curriculum. • • So on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss what to do when the parent group chat becomes a problem. • • •
Parent Academy is an online framework for building effective relationships with parents
But before we jump into that, I'm really excited about something • • and I want to start, I want to tell you briefly about it, but I want to start by asking you a question. • • What's the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head? • • • • • • • What's the name of the parent that's Living rent free • in your head. • • • • And I want to tell you I've been there. • • I used to have parents living rent free in my head 24 7. And when I was in bed or at the dinner table or driving to work or even in the shower and I used to get super anxious and sick to my stomach just thinking about talking to certain parents. • • • Parent issues dominated every aspect of my work as a private school leader. And I was stressed out all the time and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a plan. • And all I had was anxiety and fear and insecurity. • • And so that's why I created Parent Academy, because I want to give you a plan. • • And with Parent Academy, you will go from feeling anxious and stressed • about working with parents to feeling confident, calm and relaxed. • • • • Because Parent Academy is an online digital course • • that's your step by step framework • for building effective relationships with parents while reducing your stress and anxiety. And • I didn't even tell you the best part. • • After I teach you, then I teach your teachers at your school. • • • Uh, I created two 45 minute webinars • that take the content from Parent Academy • and then pack it, packaged it for your teachers. And they have a printable workbook and guided notes and discussion questions and teacher resources. And so I'm really excited about this new tool that I've built for you and I want you to check it out and you can go over to the privatescgler.com parentacademy to see more about how this can change everything and help that parent that's living rent free in your head. It's, you know, it's time for them to move out. We're going to help them move out. • • And then I also want to share a, uh, resource with you that's • nine page PDF called How to use Verbal Judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • • • On today's episode, we're talking about parents • • and you know, you might be saying, well, what is verbal judo? Well, it's a communication strategy that focuses on using words • • • effectively to deesscalate conflict, resolve disputes • and achieve positive outcomes, • • • particularly in high stress or high pressure situations. • • And the author, George Thompson, uh, who wrote the book Verbal Judo the General Art of Persuasion. He's trained over 200,000 law enforcement officers in America • in Verbal Judo, the gentle art of persuasion. And so what I've done is I've read the book, I've taken strategies from the book and then applied them to you and your life as a private school leader so that you can have better Conversations • • with the parents at your school. And so you can check this out at, uh, the privatescooler.com judo that's a guide for you, how to use verbal judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. The privatescsgluta.com • • • judo • • all right, so as I was preparing for this episode about the parent group chat, • • I gotta be honest, I got a new perspective • • on • parents and in particular the parent group chat. • • • And I want to just take a moment to talk about that. And then what we're going to do is get into some of the benefits of the group chat, some of the potential problems, and then I'm going to give you five do's and five don'ts when it comes to how you are handling the parent group chat when it becomes a problem. • • • So this new perspective that I'm talking about is • • first of all, empathy. • • And I have a lot of empathy towards, towards the parents and especially towards the moms. And I'll explain that in a moment. • • • • • But I want you to think about, let's say that there's a parent that has • a fifth grader and a seventh grader in your school. And so they're on the WhatsApp or group text • for those two grades, fifth grade and seventh grade. So that's one group. And then let's say that the fifth grader plays soccer and that the seventh grader plays basketball and is in the spring musical. • Well, there's probably group chats for all of those things. • • And then if there's, you know, 15 or 20 or 30 • people in the group in the grade group chat. And then there's, you know, less than that, but still a significant number in the, • • • um, • • individual group chats for the • • • soccer team or basketball team or the spring musical. • • And people are in there doing reminders and updates and asking questions and were we supposed to bring a snack and what time is the game? And just all of this stuff and then people are replying all • • • just inundated with a lot, • • • really. A ridiculous amount, a number of, um, messages. • • • And you know, when I was talking to different people, talking to, • um, former colleagues, talking to coaching clients, • even talking to some of my Thrive Academy students about this in preparation for the episode. I learned some things. And one of them is, is that this seems like something that is especially hard on the moms. • The moms take on the yeoman amount of work when it comes to the group chat. • • • And one, • • uh, colleague that had, uh, two children in a private school for many, many years referred to it as hidden work. And I really, that really resonated with me. Um, and what I think what she did mean by that was that, you know, there's work that parents do that's pretty visible, you know, running kids around to their practices and um, you know, all the different things that go on with what parents do with meals and errands and you know, • • • back to school shopping and whatever, everything. But there's hidden work and that is um, fall. This falls under that category with just so much time that's spent navigating that um, that group chat. And it can be stressful as well. And then the third thing that I got a new perspective on is just um, there's, there's fomo, you know, fear of missing out, there's comparison when it comes to money. Um, because you know, in those group texts, • um, there's going to be • • things that are happening where parents are, you know, not so much the Instagram thing of them going on a trip and posting a picture of their dessert, you know, with uh, • • the ocean waves in the background. I'm not really talking about that, but, um, just, you know, how often and high, how high quality, • um, you know, whether it's sports and it's training or it's um, you know, a musical and you know, a voice coach and just those kinds of things. There's some comparison when it comes to money, but then there's also some comparison when it comes to parenting and parenting styles. • And so, you know, I used to just have a, um, one • • big, broad brush stroke, one size fits all attitude about parent group chats. • But I have a little bit of a different perspective now. And so I want to get into talking about some of the benefits, • • some of the potential problems with the group chat. And then like I said, this, you know, that this uh, podcast, we try to really get tactical, ah, with strategies. So I'm going to give you five dues and five don'ts.
Group chats form a sense of community and we know people are craving connection
So first of all, what are some of the benefits • • • • • • of a WhatsApp group group text, a Facebook Mums and dads Facebook group where people can post? Well, first of all, it forms a sense of community and we know that people are craving connection • • and that even though social media and these devices that I referred to earlier, that they, you know, tend to make us accessible and uh, we can contact someone all the, um, on the other side of the world. • • • The research would show that we feel less connected than ever. Um, and so we're craving connection. • And you form this little tribe, this little, for this little community of the, the parents of the Kids in the um, in the music or the parents of the kids that are on student council that are getting ready to go to this um, you know, leadership conference or those kinds of things. So that's the first thing. Second thing is instant communication for time sensitive updates can happen in the group chat. And so, you know, like I said at the top, for example, you know, the basketball team'coming back from uh, • • um, an away game, um, and two of the games went into overtime and so they're getting back later than they thought and so boom. The ad, • • • the basketball coach can put that message out to the parents, um, about that. • And then the third thing is, is that parents can actually support each other through the group chat. So for example, carpool help. Someone has a late meeting at work and they can't pick up • • • • their child after, you know, um, chess club or after, you know, swimming practice • • and just puts it out into the, the group chat. Hey, could someone pick up, um, you know, Amanda and drop her off? And so, you know, the help, um, perhaps tutor recommendations, • • • um, • • • you know, meals • • provided from others in the group chat when someone's having surgery or maybe um, • a mom just had a, um, • brand new baby, um, you know, and is recovering, um, you know, those kinds of things where parents can actually support each other by knowing about the need. And it's sort of a clearing house of, you know, people who can help people. That's a group chat at its best. • • • Um, it's easier to coordinate for events and volunteers. So you know, let's say it's organizing volunteers for the field trips or the bake sales, • • um, you know, fundraisers. • Um, • parents can discuss, you know, who's bringing what or if there's last minute things, • • • • if there's a need for more volunteers, so can do that. And then, um, two more • • • benefits to the group chat • • • reminders. Um, • • • so upcoming school events, • • • • • parent, um, • • teacher conferences, the deadlines coming up to sign up for those. • • Um, spirit week is next week and you know, maybe the parent has to go out and pick up a couple things over the weekend or at least have that conversation with their child. • Um, you know, and so this kind of informal communication • • • can actually serve as a useful like complimetary • way of communicating with the, um, complimentary to the official school announcements. And we'll talk about that more in a moment. • • • Um, • and then casual conversations. You know, we're just kind of craving those • • • • connections again. So that can happen. So that's the group chat at its best.
Sometimes a simple message can be misinterpreted, leading to conflict or panic
Okay, but then let's talk about some of the potential Problems of the parent group chat. • • So excessive information overload. And I mentioned that before. • • Um, I read an article • • • • about a mom who was on • a group chat for her daughter's grade. I think the child was in third grade, • • and she was away from her phone for about a half an hour. • • And she came back and there were 154 messages on the WhatsApp group for third grade. And she thought that there was like, an emergency at the school, but it was just some, um, • • • you know, thing at school. • Um, • • • • let's say it was spirit week and everybody was replying all, and everyone was chiming in about this or that or posting a link to this cool costume on Amazon or whatever. And, you know, so excessive information overload, it really becomes overwhelming. • Um, another problem with WhatsApp or, or, um, group text or a Facebook moms and dads group is a lot of miscommunication. • • Um, and so sometimes • • • a simple message can be misinterpreted, • • leading to conflict or even worse, panic. • • Um, you know, the school • • works really hard to try to make sure that the information that comes out is accurate and timely. But then when the parents get involved on the WhatsApp, did you hear, can you believe or saying that, well, we need to go pick up our kids because it's snowing and blah, blah, blah. But the school hasn't even said that yet. So miscommunication. And then also there can be misinterpretation. • • And you know how texts lack context. • • They lack facial expression because it's not in person. They lack emotional cues. And so how many times have we misinterpreted a text • • as, • • • oh, well, this sounds kind of mean. Um, and so again, these messages in the, ah, group chat can lead to not only miscommunication, but also like an overreaction or an underreaction, just misinterpreting it because there's no emotional • cues or tone of voice or body language or volume or tone • attached to a text. • • Um, • a couple more that are potential problems with the, uh, • um, group chat. And then we'll get into the strategies. One is an exclusion of some of the parents. • And so if it's inadvertently, • • • that exclusion hurts. But if a parent is intentionally excluded, that hurts even more. • • And so this just, you know, hurt feelings. And, you know, parents then flash back to, Honestly, they flash back to kind of a traumatic experience of being excluded in the lunchroom when they were in middle school, for example, or being left out of a social event when they were in, you know, ninth grade. So just, we all know what it feels like to be left out and • inadvertently or on purpose, um, this happens and it hurts. And then there's parent to parent conflict. You know, that, • • • uh, if there's parents in a group chat, they're not all going to agree about opinions • • • about school policies or just, you know, a decision on whether to delay or cancel school because of the snow. And everyone's going to have an opinion. So. And then if someone has a strong opinion and another parent decides to, you know, go up against that parent, then there's all kinds of conflict. And then the final one, and this is one that is probably top of mind for you, is when there's negative talk • about teachers or staff. • • Um, you know, so parents get frustrated about the school. Their kid comes home and is complaining about the homework, and then the person is blown up. The chat with, we have too much homework. And, you know, they use it as a form to vent. And then that can spiral into gossip and complaints and false rumors and hurtful things that are said. • • And, you know, I have a coaching client who told me about one parent that was upset at their school about the third grade teacher. Now, not all the parents of that in that WhatsApp group were upset about the third grade teacher, but this parent kind of like quotquote, recruited other parents by, you know, messaging them and is like, was your child experiencing this too? Or does your child think that Mr. Miller is mean and just kind of like recruiting information • • and then stirring things up on the group chat? So, um, that is something that is really challenging, and that's probably the first thing that comes to mind when you're thinking about when a group chat starts to become a problem. • • So again, on this podcast, we're all about taking action. And so I'm going to give you 10 strategies, and those are divided into five do's and five don'ts when it comes to the parent group chat. • Okay. • • Do • • keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. • • Do keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. So, • • you know, there are complex • • human interactions. Even if they're happening in person • and when they're happening online, that's going to be even more the case. And there's a lot of immaturity out there. • • • • Um, we know that hiding behind the technology • • will • make people say things they wouldn't say to your face. • • Um, um, they can kind of hide behind that and not bring the problem to your attention. And let's face it, as school leaders, the criticism hurts. • • And that's why we have to put on that suit of armor. I've talked about that before where parent criticism, they're like arrows. • And • • • I think that too many school leaders are letting those arrows penetrate the skin. • And I see that in my head as you, uh, um, internalizing the emotion of the parent criticism. • • • • But if you have your suit of armor on, it will ding it and it will make a loud noise and probably even put a dent in the armor. And you're going to feel it and you're going to notice and hear the criticism, but you're not going to internalize • • the emotion of it. • And so keeping your emotions in check when things are going on that are problematic on the group chat is super important because, • • you know, if we're not keeping our emotions in check, then we're overreacting and we're doing things impulsively. And that usually doesn't work out very well for school leaders. • • And then I also think that a parent • gets the right to give real criticism. It. When that. It's. It's not, it's. Let me, let me rephrase that. I think that, um, the right to give real criticism is earned. Okay? And what I mean by that is, is that I don't think it's • • valid, real criticism if it's in the parent group chat to each other. I think that valid, real criticism is earned. When a parent picks up the phone or sends you an email and says, hey, can we talk? • • So I'll talk a little later about, like us jumping to, you know, • • what, what we do when we hear about that criticism, that was not a phone call or an email, but it was blowing up in the WhatsApp group. But the bottom line is, do keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. • • And so before I get into the don't, um, I just want to remind you, you know, if I'm giving you five do's and five don'ts, that's a lot, especially if you're multitasking, which I always encourage you to do. But as usual, I'll take good care of you in the show notes. And those are@the privatescoolider.com Episode 11 18. • And you will have all of that right there for you.
Don't try to police the group chat. It's not going to work
Okay? Don't try to police the group chat. Don't try to police the group chat. If someone's sending you screenshots, • • • • it has to be pretty bad for you to pick up the phone and do something about it. So let me explain what I mean. There will be parents, there will be employees, there will be parents who are, uh, there will be Teachers who are parents at your school, • • • and they'll be in the group chat and they will see stuff and then they will screenshot it and email it to you. So couple things. • • • Don't let the tail wag the dog. So if the, you know, if, if the tail is the group chat and you're the dog, don't let the group chat just have you all over the place emotionally and trying to police it and trying to get in there and you, you know, change stuff and we'll talk about that more in a moment. It's a fool's errand. It's not going to work. • • Um, and so I think that it has to be pretty bad for you to reach out to that parent. And sometimes the stuff is pretty bad and sometimes it does require you pick up the phone and reaching out to the parent. But the first step is for you to strongly encourage the person who sent the screenshot • • • to, in turn, strongly encourage that parent to reach out to you. So let me say that again. The person who sent you the screenshot, • • you're going to strongly encourage that parent to reach out to you. And that parent can also remind them, hey, you know, I'll just use my own name. Like, listen, Mark's a good listener. Like, he's good at handling stuff. You should, you should talk to Mark. Okay, and so is that always going to work? No, but then you have to weigh the cost of the witch hunt. • And so • • if I'm reaching out to a parent • • • about a screenshot that I received, • • then they're going to go all in on trying to figure out who • • • • was the person that, you know, snitched who turned them in. • Um, and then there's going to be probably, • • • • um, • • a, ah, social cost, a negative social cost to the person who did that. Now I don't want to get into bullying behavior and, and punishing the victim and ignoring the victim. You know this, • • • it's very complex. But I'm just trying to give you some general guidelines. And then there's always going to be exceptions. And I would say that the only exception to this is that, uh, I haven't mentioned this yet, but some schools have a school sponsored school, controlled school, supervised chat group. • • And so, you know, there's a wide range of names out there. I'm not goingna get into all of them. But if this chat group is something that the school sponsored, that the school initiated, that the school populated with all the phone numbers of everybody, and that the school has some sort of control or supervision • • aspect to it, well, then that's a whole different story. But most of the time that's not the case in my experience. So, um, again, • • my advice is don't try to police it • • because you're not going to be successful.
Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity in WhatsApp group
Okay? The next Do. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. • • Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. And I think that this is a proactive conversation • • • • • maybe at the beginning of the school year or the month before the school year starts. • • • • • And, you know, maybe there's a couple of parents in each grade that you think of. And, um, I'm sure this is true about you. If I asked you to stop and, you know, pick a certain grade • • and to think about who are the ambassadors, who are the most positive parents, who are the ones who love the school, who are the ones who, you know, also have a little bit of backbone. • • Um, and you're not asking them to do your dirty work for you. • You're just having a brief conversation about, hey, I just appreciate how much you love this school and how positive you are and how you're always there when we need you and so on and so forth. And I'm not asking you to be a spy. I'm not asking you to send me stuff. I'm just asking that if, you know, stuff were to come up in the • • chat group that you could, um, you know, push back a little and not even necessarily disagree with the stuff that the person said, but to accentuate something positive because, you know, you don't want to put them, set them up for a fall. You don't want to set them up for, you know, a battle with the nastiest parent in the WhatsApp group. • • But I do think it's a worthwhile endeavor to have a • • proactive conversation with one or two • • parents who are, you know, immediately come to mind when you think of positive • • ambassador type parents and they can combat the negativity in the group chat. And if you're asking them, hey, you know, if you wouldn't mind, that would really help out the school a lot. But be really clear with them that you don't want them reporting to you, okay, this is not what this conversation'about it's just like you're sort of like you're winding up a toy. Um, the shows my Age, you know, you're winding up a toy and then you're just putting it down and you're walking away and the toy kind of, you know, wanders, walks off in the other direction. You don't want this to be • • a constant Back and forth reporting. You're just having an initial conversation and then you're just trusting that they're going to try to • • do, um, their best without compromising their social role, social capital or for that matter their kids, • • um, role or social capital by, you know, how they behave in • WhatsApp group. So hopefully that makes sense. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity, but you're not planting spies in the chat group. Okay? • Don't try to shame or call out individual parents. Don't try to shame out shame or call out individual parents. • • You're going to get a lot of resentment and bitterness and retaliation and witch hunts and it isn't going to stop the behavior anyways. They will just start a new group, a new, a new chat group. And so I'll give you another example. I, um, was talking to a coaching client a few weeks ago • • and um, that • • • a, ah, principal of a school • and someone had sent the principal, • someone from the chat group had sent the principal • • a couple screenshots. • And so then the nastiest person in the group, • who, of course the screenshots were about them, um, • because the principal had reached out, then they, you know, went on this mission to try to figure out who. But at the same time then they guessed who they thought it was and they created another group. • • So this is the second group now of parents thinking they excluded the parent who had sent it in the first place. • Well then they came to find out that • • • they had included that parent in the second group and so they made a third group. Now we've got three different chat groups • • for this same group of people, whether it was a grade or a sport or whatever it was. And so my point is this. • • If you try to call out • • shame • • • individual parents, • • • • • it's probably not going to go well. Okay? And there's always an exception. Sometimes if there's something that is • • • just so ridiculous and so hurtful and so problematic and it comes to your attention, you'renna deal with it. You're gonna have to deal with it. And you're like, well, Mark, how am I supposed to know the difference? I would just say that I trust that you have good instincts and you have wisdom • • and that, • • um, you are • • trying to. • • Here's what I'm getting at. I think that you will know. I think that in your gut you will know. • This falls into the category, but I would say • • overarching statement that that category needs to be on the small side and not on the big side. So we're talking about outlier behavior. When it comes to nastiness or attacks or criticism or • mischaracterizations or character assassination of, you know, an employee. • Um, • • again, I said this earlier. I just think it's going to be rare when you're going to take that step. I'm not saying you won't, but I'm saying that you will have that gut feeling from time to time. And here's the thing, if you just want to run it past me, then shoot me an [email protected] and I'll try to, • you know, bounce. We can bounce some things off of each other. • Um, okay. Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. • So, you know, take a look at your handbook. Many handbooks do have • • respectful • • ah, communication guidelines, • • um, in them that the parents are agreeing to. • • • • And whether they sign the handbook or don't. You know, there should be language somewhere when your handbook goes out that you know you as a parent by having your child enrolled in the school or agreeing to everything in this handbook. • • • And so if it needs some work or if it doesn't exist, • um, I'm a big fan of Chat GPT and um, you can enter, just enter a bunch of stuff in that little box that you're looking for and ask, um, Chat GPT to spit out a policy for respectful communication among parents. • • Um, you know, especially with regards to a chat group. And I don't ever recommend copying and pasting stuff that Chat GPT spits out. But it's going to be ah, um, you know, a starter for you. It's going to be things that will get you going in the right direction with writing your own policy and then making sure that it gets out there. Okay, just a few more. • • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. So you have, and I had, • • • every school has • • parents who work at the, uh, teachers who work at the school that are also parents of children in the school. And so then logically these • • • parents, • • • teachers are going to be in the group chats • • and then people are behaving poorly, they're saying stuff • • and then they're coming to you. As the principal, • • • • • • you don't want to encourage that behavior. The way to encourage that behavior is to be like, okay, thanks. And then you jump in there and you just like get involved in your neck deep in this group chat. • • • I would recommend that when they bring stuff to you, you thank them • • but you explain to that teacher • • that if you react to everything that you're going to be feeding the beast, • • • it's going to cause the witch hunt and the, • • you know, the second and the third • group chat group to be formed and you know all of the different things • but also you can.
Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to you
And uh, I'm going to get into the next do right now. It goes with this one. Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to talk to you. So this is part one, part two of this little don't this do and don't. • So you don't want to encourage them to give you these reports all the time. • • • • • You don't want that. Okay. • However, if they do, • • if they do come to you with something and it seems like kind of on the big side, • um, strongly encourage that teacher. Parent to strongly encourage the upset parent to reach out to you. And I said it once before and I'll say it again, you know that teacher probably has a good working relationship with you, probably agrees that you're a good listener and that you handle problems pretty well. • And so again they just need to be saying like you need to talk to Mark, um, • you know, fill in your name there. You need to email, um, Mark need • • • • • and you need to talk. He's really good or she's really good at solving problems and just really encourage them. So again these two go together with the teacher that's uh, • uh, also a parent. You don't want them to be • coming to you with everything. And when they do come to you with stuff you want to refer them back to • strongly encouraging the upset parent to reach out to you. Okay, just a couple more. • • • Don't try to ban the group chat or people from the group chat. First of all, that's impossible. • • And again the only exception is that if this is a school sponsored • • • school controlled school, supervised chat group and I actually don't recommend that, but if that's already what you have, • • um, it just seems like a, • • • • • just seems impossible to me. So again I'm just going to say it and then we'll move on. Don't try to ban the group chat or ban people from the group chat. • Um, it's not going to work. There's going to be more negatives that come out of that than positives. • • Do encourage parents • • to refer to official communications from the school. • • Do encourage parents • to refer to official communications from the school. Now here's where you really can get your hands dirty and • • actually make a difference with what's going on in that group chat is, is that your school has to really raise their game • • • • • when it comes to a one stop shop for parent information that is super reliable and super accurate and is updated in real time. Because • • when things coming out of your school in emails or in the parent memo or whatever are like • • • inaccurate like even 20% of the time, • then the parents are going toa rely on each other and they're not going to see the school communications is reliable. The more and more and more that the school • is very, very reliable and timely and on top of their game when it comes to • • accurate information, • • then there's a large group of parents within that parent group chat that hate the parent group chat. They don't want to be involved, they don't want to read all of those things. Okay, • • • that's the thing. One of the main things that I learned in preparing for this episode is that the vast majority of parents, they hate the group chat. They don't even want to be part of it. It reminds them of the lunch table when they were in seventh grade. • • They don't want to be part of it. And so • • what can you do? I strongly recommend that every private school has a weekly parent memo, whatever it is that you want to call it. Um, at our school, um, we sent it out at • • Friday, um, • • at 9am Whenever you send it out it needs to be on the same day at the same time. So it becomes very predictable and very • • um, much ingrained in the parent mind that this is going to um, come • • to them at that day, on that day, at that time. • • • And then you're just going • • all out to make sure that this is accurate. You're going to have a link to the sports schedules and practices and make sure your ad has that all squared away and that those are, you know, let's say linked Google Docs so that the ad can change them. But if there's a significant change of course that information is going out. The bottom line is this. If the better your official communications are from the school • and the less that it is a scavenger hunt through their email to find the information. And I mean by that • • one email a week, that weekly parent memo that's going to have everything. I'm not saying you only send one email a week to your parents. I'm saying • that email in my opinion is probably the most important • • • piece of communication • • that you're sending. And if it's accurate and it's really good, I don't mean it has to look like it's, you know, something • slick from um, you know, a media company or from a, you know, a newspaper in a big city or from a shiny glossy magazine. I don't mean that. • • I'm less concerned about the way it looks and more concerned about the accuracy of the information • • in it. Okay, and then the last don't is don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two parents are saying in the group chat. You know, it's very awkward for parents to disagree with the most negative person in the chat • • because of the potential social consequences for the parent and the potential social consequences for their child. • And sometimes it's easy for us to paint with a broad brush that all parents are upset or • • m. They never are happy, you know, when we start using extreme language that's rarely accurate. And so I said before, most parents hate the group chat and they tolerate it, • um, and then they're trying to navigate it as best they can without pissing people off. • And so just for you and your own mental health and your own peace of mind, it's important. Don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two parents are saying.
Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook
All right, so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? We're talking about when the group chat, the parent group chat becomes a problem. • • Do keep your emotions in check and maintain perspective. Don't try to police it. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. Don't try to shame or call out individual parents. • • • Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. • • Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to talk to you. • • • • • Don't try to ban the group chat or people from the group chat. • • Do encourage parents to refer to official communications from the school and make sure they are accurate. And don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two • • parents are saying. • • • • • That's a lot. It's a lot to remember. Again, • the show notes will have it all there for you. The privatescchoolleader.com Episode 118 • and I'm giving you two calls to action at the end of the episode today. First is to check out your family handbook. • Is the policy clear enough on positive, respectful communication? And if it's not, not saying you change it partway through the year, but you know, get into chat GPT and pull in a couple of • • another administrator or a veteran teacher or, you know, your communications person, if you have one and just have a conversation about it and, um, • you know, the time to. • • • • It's always a good time to be checking out how to, uh, make your family handbook better. • • • Um, and then the second call to action is to talk to your parent ambassadors before there is a problem. • Because here's the thing, okay, if there's a problem and then you're going to the parent ambassadors and asking them to be positive, • then it's reactionary and it's situational and it feels crappy. But if you're just proactively at the beginning of the year, kind of like asking them to do that, then they're going to navigate that well. But you don't want it to be • • • • because there's a problem. • •
Mark Mincus: Parent Academy is an online digital course to help parents
Okay, um, last thing I mentioned, Parent Academy at the top of the episode. • • Um, I'm super excited to launch this and I want you to check it out. Um, it's an online digital course and it's your step by step framework for building effective partnerships with the parents at your school while reducing your stress and anxiety. • • And • • uh, I told you before, but I want to tell you again because I'm super excited about this part too is after I teach you the step by step framework to help you navigate all this better with your parents and have them cause less anxiety and give you more confidence. After I teach you, I'm going to teach your teachers. So there's two 45 minute webinars • and they have a printable workbook and this is something that you could use at a pd, • • • um, all in the same room and they watch it and then they break into groups for the discussion questions • • and you know, a part one and a part two. It could be something on a PD day, on a teacher in service day, and you have lifetime access to the trainings. And so, um, if you train your teachers with these webinars, then you still have the webinars for new hires in the future where you can have that be part of their onboarding process so that they're up to speed as far as how to effectively communicate with the parents at your school. And all of that is over@the privatescoolider.com • • parentacademy so go check that out please. And then also I've created another free resource for you. I want you to grab this. It will be a help to you. It's called the six things that every Private School Teacher Wants from Their Leader. And this six page PDF could be a real game changer for you. And I guarantee you that if you do these six things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow, • • • and you can grab that@the privatescchoolader.com • • • • guide. And one last thing. You know, if you have gotten any • • benefit • from this podcast, • • uh, I just would ask for a favor that you would take the link and you would • • email it or text it to another school leader, • • • • whether that's someone that you met at a conference or someone that you know from another school. A school leader. • • And also • • think about that rising leader at your school. • • You have a good eye and you have good instincts when it comes to somebody that has leadership potential in your school. Well, maybe they need someone to believe in them, to kind of light that spark and send them • • a text, send them an email with the podcast, a link to the podcast, this episode, for example. • • And, um, maybe they can. That'll be their first step in their journey. So if you would please share the. • Share the link. I'd love to get that word out there to help as many school leaders as possible. • • And I've been your host, Mark Mincus. I just want to say how much I appreciate you and all the hard work that you're doing at your school. Thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I will see you next right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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By Mark Minkus
4.9
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Technology is absolutely amazing.
Smartphones, internet, facial recognition software, AI, self-driving cars, artificial hearts, 3D printers, robots, GPS, wearable devices, the cloud and virtual reality have helped change our lives for the better.
We also know that technology comes with its share of challenges.
A parent group chat on WhatsApp, Facebook or a Smartphone can be an awesome place for sharing information about school events, giving reminders about spirit week and communicating changes to the time that the basketball team will be getting back to the school.
But, these chat groups can also go down the wrong path and quickly devolve into teacher-bashing, judging parenting styles and critiques of the 4th Grade Math curriculum.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast, we are going to discuss What To Do When The Parent Group Chat Becomes A Problem.
I hope that you will listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of motivation, inspiration and PD. Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode118
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, • where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Minkus. • • • So a couple of years ago at school, um, there was a sixth grader, • • and I think it was at lunchtime or recess, and they walked up to me and they said, Mr. Minkus, how old are you? • • And so I have a standard answer for that. And I said, I was born before man walked on the moon. • • • • And I got the desired reaction, um, you know, from their facial expression. And also they, of course, said, oh, you're so old. • And, you know, when you think about what happened on • • that July day in 1969, the fact that we could put a man on the moon, men on the moon, and return them safely to the earth with the technology that was available in 1969, it's just incredible. But what's even more amazing • is the technology that we have today. And much of it just really took off, um, in the last 10 years, last 15 years. And I'm talking about smartphones and the Internet, • facial recognition software, • • artificial intelligence, self driving cars, • • 3D printers, robots, GPS, artificial hearts, wearable • • technology, the cloud, virtual reality, and the list goes on and on. And we've just become so used to it. • • • Technology is amazing, but technology also comes with its own set of challenges. And that's certainly true when parents at your school connect on WhatsApp and, you know, Mu'and dad's Facebook group or in a text group. • • And these groups can be awesome for sharing information about school events and reminders about spirit week and changes to the time that the basketball team will be getting back to the school from their away game. • • • • But these chat groups can also go down the wrong path and quickly • • devolve into teacher bashing and judging parenting styles and critiquing the fourth grade math curriculum. • • So on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss what to do when the parent group chat becomes a problem. • • •
Parent Academy is an online framework for building effective relationships with parents
But before we jump into that, I'm really excited about something • • and I want to start, I want to tell you briefly about it, but I want to start by asking you a question. • • What's the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head? • • • • • • • What's the name of the parent that's Living rent free • in your head. • • • • And I want to tell you I've been there. • • I used to have parents living rent free in my head 24 7. And when I was in bed or at the dinner table or driving to work or even in the shower and I used to get super anxious and sick to my stomach just thinking about talking to certain parents. • • • Parent issues dominated every aspect of my work as a private school leader. And I was stressed out all the time and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a plan. • And all I had was anxiety and fear and insecurity. • • And so that's why I created Parent Academy, because I want to give you a plan. • • And with Parent Academy, you will go from feeling anxious and stressed • about working with parents to feeling confident, calm and relaxed. • • • • Because Parent Academy is an online digital course • • that's your step by step framework • for building effective relationships with parents while reducing your stress and anxiety. And • I didn't even tell you the best part. • • After I teach you, then I teach your teachers at your school. • • • Uh, I created two 45 minute webinars • that take the content from Parent Academy • and then pack it, packaged it for your teachers. And they have a printable workbook and guided notes and discussion questions and teacher resources. And so I'm really excited about this new tool that I've built for you and I want you to check it out and you can go over to the privatescgler.com parentacademy to see more about how this can change everything and help that parent that's living rent free in your head. It's, you know, it's time for them to move out. We're going to help them move out. • • And then I also want to share a, uh, resource with you that's • nine page PDF called How to use Verbal Judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • • • On today's episode, we're talking about parents • • and you know, you might be saying, well, what is verbal judo? Well, it's a communication strategy that focuses on using words • • • effectively to deesscalate conflict, resolve disputes • and achieve positive outcomes, • • • particularly in high stress or high pressure situations. • • And the author, George Thompson, uh, who wrote the book Verbal Judo the General Art of Persuasion. He's trained over 200,000 law enforcement officers in America • in Verbal Judo, the gentle art of persuasion. And so what I've done is I've read the book, I've taken strategies from the book and then applied them to you and your life as a private school leader so that you can have better Conversations • • with the parents at your school. And so you can check this out at, uh, the privatescooler.com judo that's a guide for you, how to use verbal judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. The privatescsgluta.com • • • judo • • all right, so as I was preparing for this episode about the parent group chat, • • I gotta be honest, I got a new perspective • • on • parents and in particular the parent group chat. • • • And I want to just take a moment to talk about that. And then what we're going to do is get into some of the benefits of the group chat, some of the potential problems, and then I'm going to give you five do's and five don'ts when it comes to how you are handling the parent group chat when it becomes a problem. • • • So this new perspective that I'm talking about is • • first of all, empathy. • • And I have a lot of empathy towards, towards the parents and especially towards the moms. And I'll explain that in a moment. • • • • • But I want you to think about, let's say that there's a parent that has • a fifth grader and a seventh grader in your school. And so they're on the WhatsApp or group text • for those two grades, fifth grade and seventh grade. So that's one group. And then let's say that the fifth grader plays soccer and that the seventh grader plays basketball and is in the spring musical. • Well, there's probably group chats for all of those things. • • And then if there's, you know, 15 or 20 or 30 • people in the group in the grade group chat. And then there's, you know, less than that, but still a significant number in the, • • • um, • • individual group chats for the • • • soccer team or basketball team or the spring musical. • • And people are in there doing reminders and updates and asking questions and were we supposed to bring a snack and what time is the game? And just all of this stuff and then people are replying all • • • just inundated with a lot, • • • really. A ridiculous amount, a number of, um, messages. • • • And you know, when I was talking to different people, talking to, • um, former colleagues, talking to coaching clients, • even talking to some of my Thrive Academy students about this in preparation for the episode. I learned some things. And one of them is, is that this seems like something that is especially hard on the moms. • The moms take on the yeoman amount of work when it comes to the group chat. • • • And one, • • uh, colleague that had, uh, two children in a private school for many, many years referred to it as hidden work. And I really, that really resonated with me. Um, and what I think what she did mean by that was that, you know, there's work that parents do that's pretty visible, you know, running kids around to their practices and um, you know, all the different things that go on with what parents do with meals and errands and you know, • • • back to school shopping and whatever, everything. But there's hidden work and that is um, fall. This falls under that category with just so much time that's spent navigating that um, that group chat. And it can be stressful as well. And then the third thing that I got a new perspective on is just um, there's, there's fomo, you know, fear of missing out, there's comparison when it comes to money. Um, because you know, in those group texts, • um, there's going to be • • things that are happening where parents are, you know, not so much the Instagram thing of them going on a trip and posting a picture of their dessert, you know, with uh, • • the ocean waves in the background. I'm not really talking about that, but, um, just, you know, how often and high, how high quality, • um, you know, whether it's sports and it's training or it's um, you know, a musical and you know, a voice coach and just those kinds of things. There's some comparison when it comes to money, but then there's also some comparison when it comes to parenting and parenting styles. • And so, you know, I used to just have a, um, one • • big, broad brush stroke, one size fits all attitude about parent group chats. • But I have a little bit of a different perspective now. And so I want to get into talking about some of the benefits, • • some of the potential problems with the group chat. And then like I said, this, you know, that this uh, podcast, we try to really get tactical, ah, with strategies. So I'm going to give you five dues and five don'ts.
Group chats form a sense of community and we know people are craving connection
So first of all, what are some of the benefits • • • • • • of a WhatsApp group group text, a Facebook Mums and dads Facebook group where people can post? Well, first of all, it forms a sense of community and we know that people are craving connection • • and that even though social media and these devices that I referred to earlier, that they, you know, tend to make us accessible and uh, we can contact someone all the, um, on the other side of the world. • • • The research would show that we feel less connected than ever. Um, and so we're craving connection. • And you form this little tribe, this little, for this little community of the, the parents of the Kids in the um, in the music or the parents of the kids that are on student council that are getting ready to go to this um, you know, leadership conference or those kinds of things. So that's the first thing. Second thing is instant communication for time sensitive updates can happen in the group chat. And so, you know, like I said at the top, for example, you know, the basketball team'coming back from uh, • • um, an away game, um, and two of the games went into overtime and so they're getting back later than they thought and so boom. The ad, • • • the basketball coach can put that message out to the parents, um, about that. • And then the third thing is, is that parents can actually support each other through the group chat. So for example, carpool help. Someone has a late meeting at work and they can't pick up • • • • their child after, you know, um, chess club or after, you know, swimming practice • • and just puts it out into the, the group chat. Hey, could someone pick up, um, you know, Amanda and drop her off? And so, you know, the help, um, perhaps tutor recommendations, • • • um, • • • you know, meals • • provided from others in the group chat when someone's having surgery or maybe um, • a mom just had a, um, • brand new baby, um, you know, and is recovering, um, you know, those kinds of things where parents can actually support each other by knowing about the need. And it's sort of a clearing house of, you know, people who can help people. That's a group chat at its best. • • • Um, it's easier to coordinate for events and volunteers. So you know, let's say it's organizing volunteers for the field trips or the bake sales, • • um, you know, fundraisers. • Um, • parents can discuss, you know, who's bringing what or if there's last minute things, • • • • if there's a need for more volunteers, so can do that. And then, um, two more • • • benefits to the group chat • • • reminders. Um, • • • so upcoming school events, • • • • • parent, um, • • teacher conferences, the deadlines coming up to sign up for those. • • Um, spirit week is next week and you know, maybe the parent has to go out and pick up a couple things over the weekend or at least have that conversation with their child. • Um, you know, and so this kind of informal communication • • • can actually serve as a useful like complimetary • way of communicating with the, um, complimentary to the official school announcements. And we'll talk about that more in a moment. • • • Um, • and then casual conversations. You know, we're just kind of craving those • • • • connections again. So that can happen. So that's the group chat at its best.
Sometimes a simple message can be misinterpreted, leading to conflict or panic
Okay, but then let's talk about some of the potential Problems of the parent group chat. • • So excessive information overload. And I mentioned that before. • • Um, I read an article • • • • about a mom who was on • a group chat for her daughter's grade. I think the child was in third grade, • • and she was away from her phone for about a half an hour. • • And she came back and there were 154 messages on the WhatsApp group for third grade. And she thought that there was like, an emergency at the school, but it was just some, um, • • • you know, thing at school. • Um, • • • • let's say it was spirit week and everybody was replying all, and everyone was chiming in about this or that or posting a link to this cool costume on Amazon or whatever. And, you know, so excessive information overload, it really becomes overwhelming. • Um, another problem with WhatsApp or, or, um, group text or a Facebook moms and dads group is a lot of miscommunication. • • Um, and so sometimes • • • a simple message can be misinterpreted, • • leading to conflict or even worse, panic. • • Um, you know, the school • • works really hard to try to make sure that the information that comes out is accurate and timely. But then when the parents get involved on the WhatsApp, did you hear, can you believe or saying that, well, we need to go pick up our kids because it's snowing and blah, blah, blah. But the school hasn't even said that yet. So miscommunication. And then also there can be misinterpretation. • • And you know how texts lack context. • • They lack facial expression because it's not in person. They lack emotional cues. And so how many times have we misinterpreted a text • • as, • • • oh, well, this sounds kind of mean. Um, and so again, these messages in the, ah, group chat can lead to not only miscommunication, but also like an overreaction or an underreaction, just misinterpreting it because there's no emotional • cues or tone of voice or body language or volume or tone • attached to a text. • • Um, • a couple more that are potential problems with the, uh, • um, group chat. And then we'll get into the strategies. One is an exclusion of some of the parents. • And so if it's inadvertently, • • • that exclusion hurts. But if a parent is intentionally excluded, that hurts even more. • • And so this just, you know, hurt feelings. And, you know, parents then flash back to, Honestly, they flash back to kind of a traumatic experience of being excluded in the lunchroom when they were in middle school, for example, or being left out of a social event when they were in, you know, ninth grade. So just, we all know what it feels like to be left out and • inadvertently or on purpose, um, this happens and it hurts. And then there's parent to parent conflict. You know, that, • • • uh, if there's parents in a group chat, they're not all going to agree about opinions • • • about school policies or just, you know, a decision on whether to delay or cancel school because of the snow. And everyone's going to have an opinion. So. And then if someone has a strong opinion and another parent decides to, you know, go up against that parent, then there's all kinds of conflict. And then the final one, and this is one that is probably top of mind for you, is when there's negative talk • about teachers or staff. • • Um, you know, so parents get frustrated about the school. Their kid comes home and is complaining about the homework, and then the person is blown up. The chat with, we have too much homework. And, you know, they use it as a form to vent. And then that can spiral into gossip and complaints and false rumors and hurtful things that are said. • • And, you know, I have a coaching client who told me about one parent that was upset at their school about the third grade teacher. Now, not all the parents of that in that WhatsApp group were upset about the third grade teacher, but this parent kind of like quotquote, recruited other parents by, you know, messaging them and is like, was your child experiencing this too? Or does your child think that Mr. Miller is mean and just kind of like recruiting information • • and then stirring things up on the group chat? So, um, that is something that is really challenging, and that's probably the first thing that comes to mind when you're thinking about when a group chat starts to become a problem. • • So again, on this podcast, we're all about taking action. And so I'm going to give you 10 strategies, and those are divided into five do's and five don'ts when it comes to the parent group chat. • Okay. • • Do • • keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. • • Do keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. So, • • you know, there are complex • • human interactions. Even if they're happening in person • and when they're happening online, that's going to be even more the case. And there's a lot of immaturity out there. • • • • Um, we know that hiding behind the technology • • will • make people say things they wouldn't say to your face. • • Um, um, they can kind of hide behind that and not bring the problem to your attention. And let's face it, as school leaders, the criticism hurts. • • And that's why we have to put on that suit of armor. I've talked about that before where parent criticism, they're like arrows. • And • • • I think that too many school leaders are letting those arrows penetrate the skin. • And I see that in my head as you, uh, um, internalizing the emotion of the parent criticism. • • • • But if you have your suit of armor on, it will ding it and it will make a loud noise and probably even put a dent in the armor. And you're going to feel it and you're going to notice and hear the criticism, but you're not going to internalize • • the emotion of it. • And so keeping your emotions in check when things are going on that are problematic on the group chat is super important because, • • you know, if we're not keeping our emotions in check, then we're overreacting and we're doing things impulsively. And that usually doesn't work out very well for school leaders. • • And then I also think that a parent • gets the right to give real criticism. It. When that. It's. It's not, it's. Let me, let me rephrase that. I think that, um, the right to give real criticism is earned. Okay? And what I mean by that is, is that I don't think it's • • valid, real criticism if it's in the parent group chat to each other. I think that valid, real criticism is earned. When a parent picks up the phone or sends you an email and says, hey, can we talk? • • So I'll talk a little later about, like us jumping to, you know, • • what, what we do when we hear about that criticism, that was not a phone call or an email, but it was blowing up in the WhatsApp group. But the bottom line is, do keep your emotions in check and maintain a healthy perspective. • • And so before I get into the don't, um, I just want to remind you, you know, if I'm giving you five do's and five don'ts, that's a lot, especially if you're multitasking, which I always encourage you to do. But as usual, I'll take good care of you in the show notes. And those are@the privatescoolider.com Episode 11 18. • And you will have all of that right there for you.
Don't try to police the group chat. It's not going to work
Okay? Don't try to police the group chat. Don't try to police the group chat. If someone's sending you screenshots, • • • • it has to be pretty bad for you to pick up the phone and do something about it. So let me explain what I mean. There will be parents, there will be employees, there will be parents who are, uh, there will be Teachers who are parents at your school, • • • and they'll be in the group chat and they will see stuff and then they will screenshot it and email it to you. So couple things. • • • Don't let the tail wag the dog. So if the, you know, if, if the tail is the group chat and you're the dog, don't let the group chat just have you all over the place emotionally and trying to police it and trying to get in there and you, you know, change stuff and we'll talk about that more in a moment. It's a fool's errand. It's not going to work. • • Um, and so I think that it has to be pretty bad for you to reach out to that parent. And sometimes the stuff is pretty bad and sometimes it does require you pick up the phone and reaching out to the parent. But the first step is for you to strongly encourage the person who sent the screenshot • • • to, in turn, strongly encourage that parent to reach out to you. So let me say that again. The person who sent you the screenshot, • • you're going to strongly encourage that parent to reach out to you. And that parent can also remind them, hey, you know, I'll just use my own name. Like, listen, Mark's a good listener. Like, he's good at handling stuff. You should, you should talk to Mark. Okay, and so is that always going to work? No, but then you have to weigh the cost of the witch hunt. • And so • • if I'm reaching out to a parent • • • about a screenshot that I received, • • then they're going to go all in on trying to figure out who • • • • was the person that, you know, snitched who turned them in. • Um, and then there's going to be probably, • • • • um, • • a, ah, social cost, a negative social cost to the person who did that. Now I don't want to get into bullying behavior and, and punishing the victim and ignoring the victim. You know this, • • • it's very complex. But I'm just trying to give you some general guidelines. And then there's always going to be exceptions. And I would say that the only exception to this is that, uh, I haven't mentioned this yet, but some schools have a school sponsored school, controlled school, supervised chat group. • • And so, you know, there's a wide range of names out there. I'm not goingna get into all of them. But if this chat group is something that the school sponsored, that the school initiated, that the school populated with all the phone numbers of everybody, and that the school has some sort of control or supervision • • aspect to it, well, then that's a whole different story. But most of the time that's not the case in my experience. So, um, again, • • my advice is don't try to police it • • because you're not going to be successful.
Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity in WhatsApp group
Okay? The next Do. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. • • Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. And I think that this is a proactive conversation • • • • • maybe at the beginning of the school year or the month before the school year starts. • • • • • And, you know, maybe there's a couple of parents in each grade that you think of. And, um, I'm sure this is true about you. If I asked you to stop and, you know, pick a certain grade • • and to think about who are the ambassadors, who are the most positive parents, who are the ones who love the school, who are the ones who, you know, also have a little bit of backbone. • • Um, and you're not asking them to do your dirty work for you. • You're just having a brief conversation about, hey, I just appreciate how much you love this school and how positive you are and how you're always there when we need you and so on and so forth. And I'm not asking you to be a spy. I'm not asking you to send me stuff. I'm just asking that if, you know, stuff were to come up in the • • chat group that you could, um, you know, push back a little and not even necessarily disagree with the stuff that the person said, but to accentuate something positive because, you know, you don't want to put them, set them up for a fall. You don't want to set them up for, you know, a battle with the nastiest parent in the WhatsApp group. • • But I do think it's a worthwhile endeavor to have a • • proactive conversation with one or two • • parents who are, you know, immediately come to mind when you think of positive • • ambassador type parents and they can combat the negativity in the group chat. And if you're asking them, hey, you know, if you wouldn't mind, that would really help out the school a lot. But be really clear with them that you don't want them reporting to you, okay, this is not what this conversation'about it's just like you're sort of like you're winding up a toy. Um, the shows my Age, you know, you're winding up a toy and then you're just putting it down and you're walking away and the toy kind of, you know, wanders, walks off in the other direction. You don't want this to be • • a constant Back and forth reporting. You're just having an initial conversation and then you're just trusting that they're going to try to • • do, um, their best without compromising their social role, social capital or for that matter their kids, • • um, role or social capital by, you know, how they behave in • WhatsApp group. So hopefully that makes sense. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity, but you're not planting spies in the chat group. Okay? • Don't try to shame or call out individual parents. Don't try to shame out shame or call out individual parents. • • You're going to get a lot of resentment and bitterness and retaliation and witch hunts and it isn't going to stop the behavior anyways. They will just start a new group, a new, a new chat group. And so I'll give you another example. I, um, was talking to a coaching client a few weeks ago • • and um, that • • • a, ah, principal of a school • and someone had sent the principal, • someone from the chat group had sent the principal • • a couple screenshots. • And so then the nastiest person in the group, • who, of course the screenshots were about them, um, • because the principal had reached out, then they, you know, went on this mission to try to figure out who. But at the same time then they guessed who they thought it was and they created another group. • • So this is the second group now of parents thinking they excluded the parent who had sent it in the first place. • Well then they came to find out that • • • they had included that parent in the second group and so they made a third group. Now we've got three different chat groups • • for this same group of people, whether it was a grade or a sport or whatever it was. And so my point is this. • • If you try to call out • • shame • • • individual parents, • • • • • it's probably not going to go well. Okay? And there's always an exception. Sometimes if there's something that is • • • just so ridiculous and so hurtful and so problematic and it comes to your attention, you'renna deal with it. You're gonna have to deal with it. And you're like, well, Mark, how am I supposed to know the difference? I would just say that I trust that you have good instincts and you have wisdom • • and that, • • um, you are • • trying to. • • Here's what I'm getting at. I think that you will know. I think that in your gut you will know. • This falls into the category, but I would say • • overarching statement that that category needs to be on the small side and not on the big side. So we're talking about outlier behavior. When it comes to nastiness or attacks or criticism or • mischaracterizations or character assassination of, you know, an employee. • Um, • • again, I said this earlier. I just think it's going to be rare when you're going to take that step. I'm not saying you won't, but I'm saying that you will have that gut feeling from time to time. And here's the thing, if you just want to run it past me, then shoot me an [email protected] and I'll try to, • you know, bounce. We can bounce some things off of each other. • Um, okay. Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. • So, you know, take a look at your handbook. Many handbooks do have • • respectful • • ah, communication guidelines, • • um, in them that the parents are agreeing to. • • • • And whether they sign the handbook or don't. You know, there should be language somewhere when your handbook goes out that you know you as a parent by having your child enrolled in the school or agreeing to everything in this handbook. • • • And so if it needs some work or if it doesn't exist, • um, I'm a big fan of Chat GPT and um, you can enter, just enter a bunch of stuff in that little box that you're looking for and ask, um, Chat GPT to spit out a policy for respectful communication among parents. • • Um, you know, especially with regards to a chat group. And I don't ever recommend copying and pasting stuff that Chat GPT spits out. But it's going to be ah, um, you know, a starter for you. It's going to be things that will get you going in the right direction with writing your own policy and then making sure that it gets out there. Okay, just a few more. • • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. So you have, and I had, • • • every school has • • parents who work at the, uh, teachers who work at the school that are also parents of children in the school. And so then logically these • • • parents, • • • teachers are going to be in the group chats • • and then people are behaving poorly, they're saying stuff • • and then they're coming to you. As the principal, • • • • • • you don't want to encourage that behavior. The way to encourage that behavior is to be like, okay, thanks. And then you jump in there and you just like get involved in your neck deep in this group chat. • • • I would recommend that when they bring stuff to you, you thank them • • but you explain to that teacher • • that if you react to everything that you're going to be feeding the beast, • • • it's going to cause the witch hunt and the, • • you know, the second and the third • group chat group to be formed and you know all of the different things • but also you can.
Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to you
And uh, I'm going to get into the next do right now. It goes with this one. Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to talk to you. So this is part one, part two of this little don't this do and don't. • So you don't want to encourage them to give you these reports all the time. • • • • • You don't want that. Okay. • However, if they do, • • if they do come to you with something and it seems like kind of on the big side, • um, strongly encourage that teacher. Parent to strongly encourage the upset parent to reach out to you. And I said it once before and I'll say it again, you know that teacher probably has a good working relationship with you, probably agrees that you're a good listener and that you handle problems pretty well. • And so again they just need to be saying like you need to talk to Mark, um, • you know, fill in your name there. You need to email, um, Mark need • • • • • and you need to talk. He's really good or she's really good at solving problems and just really encourage them. So again these two go together with the teacher that's uh, • uh, also a parent. You don't want them to be • coming to you with everything. And when they do come to you with stuff you want to refer them back to • strongly encouraging the upset parent to reach out to you. Okay, just a couple more. • • • Don't try to ban the group chat or people from the group chat. First of all, that's impossible. • • And again the only exception is that if this is a school sponsored • • • school controlled school, supervised chat group and I actually don't recommend that, but if that's already what you have, • • um, it just seems like a, • • • • • just seems impossible to me. So again I'm just going to say it and then we'll move on. Don't try to ban the group chat or ban people from the group chat. • Um, it's not going to work. There's going to be more negatives that come out of that than positives. • • Do encourage parents • • to refer to official communications from the school. • • Do encourage parents • to refer to official communications from the school. Now here's where you really can get your hands dirty and • • actually make a difference with what's going on in that group chat is, is that your school has to really raise their game • • • • • when it comes to a one stop shop for parent information that is super reliable and super accurate and is updated in real time. Because • • when things coming out of your school in emails or in the parent memo or whatever are like • • • inaccurate like even 20% of the time, • then the parents are going toa rely on each other and they're not going to see the school communications is reliable. The more and more and more that the school • is very, very reliable and timely and on top of their game when it comes to • • accurate information, • • then there's a large group of parents within that parent group chat that hate the parent group chat. They don't want to be involved, they don't want to read all of those things. Okay, • • • that's the thing. One of the main things that I learned in preparing for this episode is that the vast majority of parents, they hate the group chat. They don't even want to be part of it. It reminds them of the lunch table when they were in seventh grade. • • They don't want to be part of it. And so • • what can you do? I strongly recommend that every private school has a weekly parent memo, whatever it is that you want to call it. Um, at our school, um, we sent it out at • • Friday, um, • • at 9am Whenever you send it out it needs to be on the same day at the same time. So it becomes very predictable and very • • um, much ingrained in the parent mind that this is going to um, come • • to them at that day, on that day, at that time. • • • And then you're just going • • all out to make sure that this is accurate. You're going to have a link to the sports schedules and practices and make sure your ad has that all squared away and that those are, you know, let's say linked Google Docs so that the ad can change them. But if there's a significant change of course that information is going out. The bottom line is this. If the better your official communications are from the school • and the less that it is a scavenger hunt through their email to find the information. And I mean by that • • one email a week, that weekly parent memo that's going to have everything. I'm not saying you only send one email a week to your parents. I'm saying • that email in my opinion is probably the most important • • • piece of communication • • that you're sending. And if it's accurate and it's really good, I don't mean it has to look like it's, you know, something • slick from um, you know, a media company or from a, you know, a newspaper in a big city or from a shiny glossy magazine. I don't mean that. • • I'm less concerned about the way it looks and more concerned about the accuracy of the information • • in it. Okay, and then the last don't is don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two parents are saying in the group chat. You know, it's very awkward for parents to disagree with the most negative person in the chat • • because of the potential social consequences for the parent and the potential social consequences for their child. • And sometimes it's easy for us to paint with a broad brush that all parents are upset or • • m. They never are happy, you know, when we start using extreme language that's rarely accurate. And so I said before, most parents hate the group chat and they tolerate it, • um, and then they're trying to navigate it as best they can without pissing people off. • And so just for you and your own mental health and your own peace of mind, it's important. Don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two parents are saying.
Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook
All right, so what are the big takeaways from today's episode? We're talking about when the group chat, the parent group chat becomes a problem. • • Do keep your emotions in check and maintain perspective. Don't try to police it. Do encourage your parent ambassadors to combat the negativity. Don't try to shame or call out individual parents. • • • Do publish respectful communication expectations in your family handbook. • • Don't encourage your teacher parents to report to you every time a parent is upset in the group chat. • • Do encourage your parent teachers to refer upset parents to talk to you. • • • • • Don't try to ban the group chat or people from the group chat. • • Do encourage parents to refer to official communications from the school and make sure they are accurate. And don't assume that all parents are in agreement with what one or two • • parents are saying. • • • • • That's a lot. It's a lot to remember. Again, • the show notes will have it all there for you. The privatescchoolleader.com Episode 118 • and I'm giving you two calls to action at the end of the episode today. First is to check out your family handbook. • Is the policy clear enough on positive, respectful communication? And if it's not, not saying you change it partway through the year, but you know, get into chat GPT and pull in a couple of • • another administrator or a veteran teacher or, you know, your communications person, if you have one and just have a conversation about it and, um, • you know, the time to. • • • • It's always a good time to be checking out how to, uh, make your family handbook better. • • • Um, and then the second call to action is to talk to your parent ambassadors before there is a problem. • Because here's the thing, okay, if there's a problem and then you're going to the parent ambassadors and asking them to be positive, • then it's reactionary and it's situational and it feels crappy. But if you're just proactively at the beginning of the year, kind of like asking them to do that, then they're going to navigate that well. But you don't want it to be • • • • because there's a problem. • •
Mark Mincus: Parent Academy is an online digital course to help parents
Okay, um, last thing I mentioned, Parent Academy at the top of the episode. • • Um, I'm super excited to launch this and I want you to check it out. Um, it's an online digital course and it's your step by step framework for building effective partnerships with the parents at your school while reducing your stress and anxiety. • • And • • uh, I told you before, but I want to tell you again because I'm super excited about this part too is after I teach you the step by step framework to help you navigate all this better with your parents and have them cause less anxiety and give you more confidence. After I teach you, I'm going to teach your teachers. So there's two 45 minute webinars • and they have a printable workbook and this is something that you could use at a pd, • • • um, all in the same room and they watch it and then they break into groups for the discussion questions • • and you know, a part one and a part two. It could be something on a PD day, on a teacher in service day, and you have lifetime access to the trainings. And so, um, if you train your teachers with these webinars, then you still have the webinars for new hires in the future where you can have that be part of their onboarding process so that they're up to speed as far as how to effectively communicate with the parents at your school. And all of that is over@the privatescoolider.com • • parentacademy so go check that out please. And then also I've created another free resource for you. I want you to grab this. It will be a help to you. It's called the six things that every Private School Teacher Wants from Their Leader. And this six page PDF could be a real game changer for you. And I guarantee you that if you do these six things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow, • • • and you can grab that@the privatescchoolader.com • • • • guide. And one last thing. You know, if you have gotten any • • benefit • from this podcast, • • uh, I just would ask for a favor that you would take the link and you would • • email it or text it to another school leader, • • • • whether that's someone that you met at a conference or someone that you know from another school. A school leader. • • And also • • think about that rising leader at your school. • • You have a good eye and you have good instincts when it comes to somebody that has leadership potential in your school. Well, maybe they need someone to believe in them, to kind of light that spark and send them • • a text, send them an email with the podcast, a link to the podcast, this episode, for example. • • And, um, maybe they can. That'll be their first step in their journey. So if you would please share the. • Share the link. I'd love to get that word out there to help as many school leaders as possible. • • And I've been your host, Mark Mincus. I just want to say how much I appreciate you and all the hard work that you're doing at your school. Thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I will see you next right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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