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Episode 122: How To Navigate Complex Emotions When You Get The Parent Survey Results
You have probably heard the saying, “No two days the same". This is an accurate description of your job as a private school leader. I used to say to my family, “I go to school to see what’s going to happen”.
While our days are very unpredictable, I have found that some days during the school year are actually very predictable. For example:
I don’t know about you, but I ride a roller coaster of emotions when the parent survey results come out: anger, joy, disappointment, pride, embarrassment, confusion, Imposter Syndrome, happiness, sadness and more.
Receiving feedback is an important part of our jobs and it can help us grow as a school and grow as leaders. That said, parent feedback can be soul crushing when it does not align with how you think things are going at school.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast we are going to discuss How To Navigate Complex Emotions When You Get The Parent Survey Results.
Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school.
Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode122
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Menkis. • • • So I want to tell you about the most discouraging day of my school year • • • and over my career, especially over the last 10 or 12 years. I would say that it was pretty predictable as to which day of the year was going to be my most discouraging day. • • And I'll come back to that in a moment because, you know, my most stressful day, if we want to talk about that, you know, that kind of changes and it's situational and it usually involves a really upset parent. And then that parent, it's complex because • • • they're a teacher or they are a big donor or it's a board members kid. You know, that would be my most stressful day of the year. • • And then, well, what about my worst day of the year? Well, again, that's situational • • • • • because, • you know, it usually involves a tragedy or • • • just something, you know, terrible. The worst thing that happened that school year. And so that's unpredictable. What is predictable is my best day of the year, which is usually the day of the eighth grade versus faculty basketball game. • That is on a Friday afternoon and it concludes spirit week. • And you know, it's a lot of fun, a lot of school spirit, • • and if I had to say, my most rewarding day of the school year, that's easy. Our school, um, um, • • • • goes up to eighth grade. And so eighth grade graduation. And you get to see those kids • • • graduate. And you know, you had a front row seat for that transformation that took place. And for me, that's the most rewarding day. • • • But what about my most discouraging day? Why is that so predictable? • Well, my most discouraging day is the day that I get the results of the parent survey. • • • • • • And the reason for that is because, • • • • you know, you work so hard • • • only you know, the price that you pay • • • to be a private school leader. • • • And then, you know, you have to get feedback, but then you get that feedback • • and the numbers don't reflect • • • • what you think is the version of reality at your school. • • • • • And honestly, • • • • there were days when I would get the • • • • parent survey results and • • • I mean, at best • • I felt like I need to leave and go home • • or I don't think I'M coming in tomorrow. • • • • Um, um, • • you know, that's, that's at best, at worst, sometimes you just feel like, • • I'm not sure I'm cut out to do this. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. • • • And it's so powerful. It's so discouraging, • • and it's so, • • • • • • it's just so big. The emotions are so big surrounding • • • • receiving the results of the parent survey. At least they have been for me • and certainly for a lot of my coaching clients when I talk to them. • • And so what are we going to do about this? Well, uh, on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss how to navigate complex emotions • when you get the parent survey results. • • •
Parent Academy helps private school leaders build effective partnerships with parents
But before we do that, I have another question for you, • • • • and that is, • • • what is the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head right now? • • • • • • What is the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head • • right now? • • • • • Well, I've been there and I used to have parents living rent free in my head 247 when I was trying to fall asleep or when I'm at the dinner table with my family or trying to drive to work or trying to • • take a shower, just anything. And they're living rent free in my head. And I used to get, you know, super anxious and sick to my stomach just thinking about talking to certain parents • and parent issues used to dominate every aspect of my work as a private school leader. And I was stressed out all the time • • and I didn't know what to do and I didn't have a plan and I, uh, had a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear and a lot of insecurity. • • • • • • • • Well, • • • maybe I'm also describing how you feel some of the time. • • • • Well, this is why I created Parent Academy, is because I used to feel this way. • • • • • • But I want you to have a plan. Because • • over 33 years as a private school leader, I • • worked with thousands of parents • • • • and • • I built Parent Academy to help you to have a plan and to have a framework, • • • a step by step framework for building effective partnerships with parents while reducing your stress and anxiety. And I really believe that with Parent Academy, • • • you can go from feeling anxious and stressed out about working with parents to feeling confident • and calm. • • • • • And that's what I want for you. I want you to feel confident and calm instead of anxious and stressed out. And I think you need a plan. And so I would like for you to go to the privatechooladeider.com • parentacademy • • and check it out. Um, in addition to, • • uh, four modules there for you, • • there are two plug and play PDs for your teachers. Because I know sometimes I've talked to private school leaders and they're like, yeah, this is all great that I know this, but I wish my teachers knew this. Well, now we can check that box because • • I've got two 45 minute webinars. • They would have guided notes with discussion questions. And, • • uh, • • this is something that could be a game changer for you and for your teacher. So like I said, Parent Academy, check it out over@the privatescooler.com • • parentacademy and also I just want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a free resource. • And this is called the six Things that Every Private School Teacher Want from Their Leader. • And this guide is a six page PDF that I think can be a real game changer for you. • • And I guarantee you that if you do these six things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. And so you can pick up your free guide, the six Things that Every Private School Teacher Wants from Their leader by just going to the privatescchoolleader.com guide. And that's free for you just as a thank you • • for listening to the podcast. • •
How to navigate complex emotions when you get the parent survey results
All right, • • so we're talking about how to navigate complex emotions when you get the parent survey results. • • • And I want to break this down into two parts. • The first one is I want to give you five reasons • why • • • • • receiving parent survey results causes complex emotions for you. Give you five reasons. • • And then I want to • • take the five stages of grief • • and apply them to you getting the parent survey results. And I know that that might sound a little • • dramatic, a little over the top, • • • but I want you to stick around because I'm going to show you that this isn't • • overly dramatic and it isn't over the top. And actually the five stages of grief • • • can be super helpful with regards to being a framework for you • • when it comes to you receiving • • the parent survey results and having a framework to navigate those really, really complex feelings. So first of all, why do we get big feelings • when we get the parent survey results? Well, number one reason, number one is fear of negative feedback. • • • • • So • I don't know about you, but I don't like getting negative feedback. • • • You know, even 33 years into a career of private school leadership. • • I mean, I • • have an ego and I have, • um, • • • • certain expectations • • • about my performance and also the results. • And • • when the feedback that I get about the job that I'm doing doesn't Match, • • um, what I think is happening, • • • • • it's hard. And, you know, when you send out that parent survey, • • • • • or for that matter, we'll talk about, when you send out a staff survey, a teacher survey, • • you don't know what you're going to get. And so there's a fear. • • • • And, you know, those survey results can reflect dissatisfaction. • The scores can go down, the parent satisfaction scores can go down. • • • And, you know, we fear criticism because it feels intensely personal. • • • • • That negative feedback feels intensely personal. • • • • And I think one of the reasons that it feels so personal is because, well, number one, it is personal. But number two, you work so hard and you sacrifice so much • • for the kids and your teachers and the parents and the board, • • • • • • and then • • you ask, how are we doing? • • • • • And you get the answers. • • • • • And, you know, maybe I'm talking to some leaders, that your parent survey results are great, and they're great every year, • and you look forward to getting that feedback. Um, um, • • • I mean, I guess there's been some years where I was pretty excited about the feedback because, you know, we improved in a lot of areas. • • • • But • • • it. • • • • It is difficult to overcome that fear of negative feedback. Okay, so that's reason number one. • • Reason number two, • • • • • that we have big emotions surrounding the parent survey results sometimes • • is because it's an overwhelming volume. Amount of information. It's an overwhelming amount of information. And so I was lucky enough that at my most recent school • • that there was someone on the, um, • • PR and marketing and communications team that it was, um, her responsibility to • take all of the data, the survey results, and to put them into a report. • • • Um, you know, and depending on • • • • • • • • • the quality of the tool that you use for the survey, • • • when you're gathering that information, sometimes • you have a very good • • process and you get a high participation rate, and it also does a lot of the work for you. • • But my point is, is that I was lucky enough • • for • • • • • • • about 10 years that I wasn't the one • • • tallying up all the numbers. • • • • But for about 20 years, I was that person. And so it's like a double whammy. It's not just that you're getting the feedback, • • but it's also that you have this • • overwhelming amount of feedback. And sometimes just the sheer volume of that can be paralyzing. You know, it's like • paralysis, • um, um, anal. It's analysis paralysis. • • And so, you know, let's say this, the size of your school, that you're getting • dozens or probably maybe even hundreds of responses, • • and just the task of, like, making sense of it all just feels really, really daunting. And overwhelming, what's actionable, what's just noise, what should I listen to, what should I tune out? And so reason number two • • • is the overwhelming amount of information. • • • • And the reason number three that we sometimes get emotional about parent survey results is because of the emotional disconnect. So let me explain what I mean by this. So surveys most often are anonymous. • • • And so I think that that's important to get honest feedback, • • but it also creates • some emotional detachment and for me at least it's created a lot of cognitive dissonance when it comes to • these nameless, faceless, shapeless • • • individuals that are giving me feedback • • rather than the warm • • community that I've poured myself into • and bent over backwards and had really difficult meetings and did all the hard things • • and serve, serve, serve. • • • • • • When we serve and lead, • • we're serving and leading human beings. • • But when we get the survey results, we're getting numbers • • and we're getting some open ended comments and we don't know who they're from. And so what we do is emotional work and we are in that lane a lot. • • • • • • But then all of a sudden • • the judgment, the feedback, • • • • • um, the survey results, • • • • • there can be a disconnect or a cognitive dissonance • • • • • because it's anonymous. You don't know who is feeling this way, who's giving this feedback. So, • • um, that's reason number three. And then reason number four, and I think this is one of the strongest • • reason number four, why we sometimes have • big emotions surrounding the parent survey results is negativity bias. So you know that that's, that negativity bias is a cognitive bias that causes us to • • process negative information more than positive information • • and that we are more likely to notice and remember • negative events and insults, then we are compliments or happy memories are good things. Okay, • so • • • if I asked you to stop and think about something really awesome that happened to you when you were in middle school • • • or I asked you to stop and tell me, uh, stop and think and tell me something embarrassing or really, really awful that happened in middle school. • • Most people, it's going to be very, very easy to remember the negative thing and it's going to take a while to try and drill down into those memories and remember what was the really awesome positive thing that happened in middle school. • • • • And so an example of this, and I've mentioned this before on the podcast, I remember • • um, um, • • probably about five years ago or so. U, um, • • • maybe a few more years than that. But anyways it was parent conference, parent teacher conferences, and it was a Thursday evening and A Friday morning, • • and then Friday at noon, uh, uh, the teachers were done. So, you know, so let's say it was Thursday from like 4 o clock to 7:30, and then Friday morning from like 8 oock to noon. • • • And I didn't know about this. I was trying to check in with all the teachers, but one of my middle school math teachers, • over the course of those, you know, whatever I just named eight hours or so, you know, if you have 15 minute, 10 or 15 minute, um, conferences, you can have a lot of conferences. And I want to say that she had like 41 different parents that she met with during that time. • • • And I was talking to her on Monday morning and I could tell she was kind of down in the dumps. And, and she's like. And so I asked her what was wrong and she named the parent and said, we had a really bad, • um, you know, • um, conference and just, you know, was just kind of going after me and didn't appreciate this or that and didn't agree with me on this and making a lot of excuses for the kids and just really being critical of my teaching style, so on and so forth. Okay. And I said, well, how many did you have all together? And we looked and I think it was 41. • • • And so my point is this. • • • She had 40 • parent conferences that actually went really, really well and had one that didn't. • • And she literally spent the whole weekend thinking about it and having a difficult time sleeping because of that one, • • • that one conference. And so that negativity bias is so strong. And so that's hard for us when we're looking at parent survey results, to not focus on just the negative, or, excuse me, to not focus on a balanced approach, even if there are positive comments. But we overemphasize the negative feedback • because of negativity bias. And then the fifth reason • • why sometimes we have big emotions around receiving parent survey results is the concern about how others will perceive the results. And for me, this is a big one because there's all this pressure about how, how's the board going to take these numbers, how will the staff take these numbers when I have to share them with the staff? • • Um, you know, the teachers pour themselves into these kids too, and they're going to feel a certain way if the numbers have dropped. • Um, you know, the parent satisfaction numbers or specific numbers about you, the teachers and whatnot. And so, you know, there's probably worry or concern about how these results are going to reflect on you as a leader and the school's reputation. And then I don't know about you. But then it's easy to catastrophize and just be like, okay, well man, am I going to lose my job? Or this is really going to hurt retention? And then that's going to hurt the budget and so on and so forth. • • • And you know, it's super valid just having concerns about how other people are going to perceive the results, especially people who aren't in the school every single day, like the board. • • • So those are the five reasons why we sometimes deal with big emotions around the parent survey results.
The five stages of grief apply to parent survey results
And now I want to walk you through • • • the five stages of grief, • • how they apply to parent survey results, and how this can actually be a helpful framework for you to kind of keep those emotions in check. • • So we've all learned about the five stages of grief. • • Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. • • And I really don't think I'm being overly dramatic to • • • say that we can apply the five stages of grief to parent survey results. Because here's the thing, • • • you know, I did an episode • • a while back as far as like, how to lead while you're dealing with grief • and kind of shared my experience of how I had three sisters pass away in three consecutive years. • • And so • • I think that sometimes we think that the five stages of grief is only reserved for when someone dies. • • • But the, the definition of grief is emotional response to a significant loss. • • • • • Now it's mostly and most often applied to • • • grief over a love, loved one or a friend that's lost, that is, passes away. But it's loss. And so that could be a major life change. It could be • becoming empty nesters, • um, it could be, • • ah, a career change or a big dream that you had. And now that's not going to happen. So • • • loss, an emotional response to a significant loss. And so let's face it, receiving these survey results sometimes can feel like a loss of control. It can feel like • • • • • you thought the school was going in this direction and then you're just all over the place because you're like, wait a second, this does not match up with what I thought was going on in front of my eyes this, this year. But just that idea of • • • • • • what you thought it was going to be, what you thought it was, and all the hard work you put in to earn • where you are in the school year. And then if the survey results don't match that, and especially if they really don't match that, • • • • • • • • • I think we, I think we feel some grief, we feel loss. • • And so let's talk about it.
Grief is worse when it's an internal survey of teachers and staff
So first of all, • • • um, well, and one Last thing on this. Two things real quick here. So I've noticed that for me, these feelings are a lot worse • • • when • • it's a survey of my teachers and my staff about how I'm doing. You know, of course they're asking other questions, but when it's an internal survey, I mean, it's hard enough when you get the feedback from the parents and there's a question on there about bullying, and you have pulled out all the stops and you really thought that things were in better shape, and then the number goes down as far as their satisfaction. • • • Um, but I've found that it's even worse when it's. You're asking the teachers. • • And this was especially true the year after Covid. I know for myself and our, um, head of lower school, you know, and again, teachers were really compromised, and we were all going through a traumatic experience. But, you know, we did so much. And then I remember the numbers were pretty low as far as, like, do you feel supported by your division head? And that was really hard. Um, but the second thing, and the last thing on this before we just go through them quickly is • • • give yourself the permission to go through the five stages. • • • • • You know, this grief is not only reserved for • when someone passes away, • it can be applied to other feelings of loss as well. All right, so give yourself the permission to go through the five stages of grief.
Stage one is denial. Denial is a defense mechanism that help protect from pain
All right? Stage one, denial. So you get the survey results, and • • I don't know about you, but I'm just like, oh, this can't be right. These numbers have to be wrong. These, these results, these numbers, they don't reflect • • • the reality. • Um, • • I'm just, this is. This is crazy. And then you start digging in and you're like, oh, well, only this certain percentage of parents responded. And, well, • • • of course people who are happy aren't going to respond to the survey. Only the parents who are upset. And, you know, and if only the parents who are upset respond, then the numbers are going to be skewed. And, you know, this doesn't reflect reality. And so on and so on and so on. Okay, we're in denial. • • • And when that happens, we might just dismiss the feedback out of hand, dismiss it out of hand, or even just feel • • • • • the urge to ignore parts of it. • • And here's the thing. Denial is a defense mechanism • that • help us protect us from pain. Know our brain is trying to protect us from pain, and it helps us. • Denial helps us avoid uncomfortable truths. • • • • You know, we have denial on parts of our life if our relationship isn't going well with, uh, • um, • • our spouse or partner or if there's something going on with our finances that we're in denial about, • • • • • we stay in denial. We can avoid the uncomfortable truth. And so denial sometimes is a pretty, is a much more comfortable place to be than to deal with the thing. Most of the time that's true. • • • But as leaders, • • • • we have to • • • • move past this denial stage. • And so again, I think it's important to go through it, to sit with it, to experience those emotions and to just be in denial for a little while. You know, it's like back when I did that episode on the August Apology. When you have someone two days before the first day of school that resigns and takes a job in the public school. I told you, have a pity party first, like get it out of your system. So I think denial is okay. I think denial is a good thing. So • • • it's natural. Um, but we don't want to let it hold us back. So • a couple of pieces of practical advice. • You know, just, just um, um, sit in it for a bit. You know, uh, go into denial. • Um, um, but give yourself permission that you're gonna be in denial for a little bit, but then you're going toa face this feedback. • • U, um, and then don't, don't just try and • • • • um, address all the feedback. Just pick like one area and take like one small step • towards processing it. And I'm not even saying responding to it or building a plan. I'm just like processing your emotions about that feedback. • • • And sometimes the most important step is to just take the time to read through all the results • carefully rather than just rushing to the open ended comments • and to just carefully read through them • and to just kind of like • • let those emotions happen. So u, um, it's certainly been true for me. Maybe this is resonating with you. Stage one is denial. All right, then stage two of the five stages of grief is anger. • So once I get through my denial about, well, these numbers can't be right and it was only the upset parents that responded, then I get angry about it • • • • • and I get upset when I see that negative feedback. And I think to myself, • • they have no idea how hard I'm working. • • • • And I think • this is unfair and I think no good deed goes unpunished. And I think what is the point? • • • • And you know, anger is a powerful emotion, • • but can also cloud our judgment and completely slam the brakes on any progress for our school. But we have to get past the denial and past the anger if we're going to do something with the survey results. But it's normal for us to feel these emotions. I say this all the time to my coaching clients. • What we do is emotional work. And being high in emotional intelligence is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing most of the time. • • But then when it comes to us, you know, and we're • m empathic and we are, you know, high in emotional intelligence, well then of course we're going to feel things in a big way. • • • • You know, if we're completely like a robot and unfeeling, • • • • I mean, maybe that helps us out when we get the survey results, but that's certainly not going to help us out on day to day basis doing our job. And so • • • it's the other side of that coin of being high in emotional intelligence. • • And so just a couple of pieces of advice. Um, when we're in that anger, you know, it's okay to have that feeling, it's normal, but then try to become an observer of the situation. That's helped me a lot where I try to be an observer of the situation instead of a participant, instead of just • • • having my, uh, • emotions run wild. And you know, I think sometimes about my emotions and that amygdala hijack and I think about, well, who's driving the bus? • • Am I driving the bus or am I sitting in the eighth row and my emotions are driving the bus? And there are going to be different times, especially • the day you get them and the day after you get the parent survey results, perhaps that emotions are going to be driving the bus. But we need to keep moving our way • • up the aisle from row eight to row six to row two, back to the driver's seat and drive the bus. Okay. One of the ways we can do that is regulating your autonomic nervous system. Um, • • • • I'll link that in the show notes at the Private school leader, • • • • episode 122. • • Um, the episode I did on that and gave some tools about regulating your autonomic nervous system. • • • Um, try as much as you can to view things through the lens that this is data • • • and that data is not a personal attack. These are answers to questions. • And of course people might have an agenda or whatever, all the things that we could say during the denial stage. • • But • • • • feedback is data • • • and these are numbers on a page, these are numbers on a screen. Okay, that's helpful sometimes. And then • • • talk to somebody that you con ve to, you know, whether that's your spouse or another colleague. • • Um, and then once you get through sometimes I've found that it's helpful to kind of go through A couple of these stages with someone else, • um, and then, you know, start getting constructive about it. • • Okay?
Stage three is bargaining. So we go from denial to anger to bargaining
And then stage three is bargaining. So we go from denial to anger to bargaining. And with bargaining we might be like, well, if I could just fix this one area, maybe I could make the parents happy again. And, and if I improve this, then maybe they'll overlook everything else because this thing over here is really shiny. And they seem to be upset about that when really my priorities are the curriculum and their priorities are the, you know, the new basketball uniforms, like, you know, that kind of stuff. • And we just think, well, if I could just, or if I could just blank, or if I could just, you know, that's, that's bargaining. • • And so I think that in that phase at least I'll speak for myself. That sometimes I jump too quick into trying to make changes • • • • before I fully understand the root causes. • • • • Because let's face it, the feedback that we get, • • • • there are root causes for that feedback, and we may never know them. But we owe it to our school and quite frankly, we owe it to ourselves • • to not make a bunch of empty promises or knee jerk reactions or jump into changing stuff and let the tail wag the dog. • • • The tail being the parent survey results and the dog being the entire school organization. • • • • • • And • • again, to just recognize where we are • and to not do anything hasty. Okay? And so that's my first piece of advice when we talk about stage three. Bargaining is, is that don't rush into quick fixes. Just take a step back • • and ask, you know, what are some themes? What are the patterns in the feedback? • • Um, you know, and then just focus, try to focus on • • • big, • not big changes, but sustainable changes. I'm a big believer in • • small changes that are sustainable multiplied by time, • rather than big changes that tend to kind of fall apart. • • So think about it as a system or a classroom procedure that's repeated over and over and over again versus like a New Year's resolution or quitting smoking cold turkey. You know how those usually go. Okay. And so when it comes to the parent survey, let's focus on, um, what can we do • • • that's going to be a change, • • • a sustainable change that can make a real impact over time • • and not try to please everybody all at once. Because that's what happens with bargaining is we're trying to please • • everybody immediately. Okay? We're focused on the long term benefit and what's sustainable.
Stage four of depression is discouragement after receiving parent survey results
And then we get to stage four, which is depression. And I want to tweak that and say discouragement. • • Um, I told you at the top of the episode that this is one of the most discouraging days of my school year, at least it has been in several of the years when I get the parent survey results. And so • • I'm very careful about that word depression, um, because depression and anxiety are real things. • • Their chronic, um, conditions, their medical conditions, • • um, and so I'm not saying that you won't get depressed from the parent survey results, but I think it's more likely that the D maybe could stand for discouragement, you know, and maybe intense discouragement. But at this stage you're just going to feel defeated. • • You might feel like, well, I'm just not cut out for this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm never going toa make people happy, uh, you know, again. No good deed goes unpunished. I've been working so hard and I've been trying and this is so, so, so freaking discouraging. It feels overwhelming. And just the weight of that feedback feels overwhelming and intensely discouraging. • • • • And so there you sit, you know, you're in that low, low, low spot. You've gone through the denial, you've gone through the anger, you've gone through the bargaining and now you're just sitting in that discouragement and overwhelm. • • What the heck do you do now? Well, • • a couple things. • • • • • • • • • • • I think self compassion is super important right now and I know that that's the least likely thing that we are to do. • • But I want you to think about, • • let's say it's a second grade teacher • • and let's say she is in her first year of teaching, • • but very eager, very coachable, • • • • very good attitude, hard worker. • Um, and, but she's struggling with classroom management partway through the year. Okay, • • • and you're going to pull that teacher in and you're going to talk to her and try and help her and coach her up and support her with the classroom management. • I want you to think about how you're going to talk to her. You know, the tone of voice and • the style, the way, you know, the body language, all of those kinds of things. • • And then I want to ask you if that's the way you're going to talk to yourself the day that you get the parent survey results. • • • • • • • • • • • Something tells me, • • • • • and I'll speak from experience, we're going to be way harder on ourself than we are on that novice teacher who needs support. • • We're not perfect. We're not robots. • • • • Even robots and computer programs make mistakes. Uh, • • so we have to, • • uh, remember that. And one Way to remember that. And I'm really, really, really going toa emphasize this and it will be mentioned again in your action Call to action. • • • I'm going to link episode 37 in the show notes how an annual portfolio will make you a happier and better compensated leader. I just really think that the positive comments Google Doc that you start, • • that I've talked about many times before, this is the time when you pull it out. This is the thing that's gotten me out of the intense discouragement is not just going back and reading the positive • • comments Google Doc from this current school year, but multiple years and be like, • okay, here's evidence because we are stuck when we're in this discouragement spiral we are stuck in • • • if we ask that question, is this a factor of feeling? • • • Okay, it's hard because these quote unquote facts, this feedback is staring us in the face. • • But we got to get past the emotion to get into what are the facts, • • what is the takeaway from this. But we can't get through those feelings • • • if we feel • • complete self loathing • • and that we're an imposter and that we're completely incompetent at our jobs. And so that's why it's super important to pull out, • pull up that, um, • • • • • positive comments Google Docker if you have it on a piece of papers, to pull out that file and to read it and read it and read it and read it • • because you do know what you're doing. • • • • And then lastly is to just remind yourself that feedback is a tool • • • for growth and not a judgment of your worth. Let me say that one more time. Feedback is a tool for growth and not a judgment of your worth. • And boy, don't we • • manage to link • feedback results to our value as a human being and as a leader. • • And that's not healthy. • • • I did that for years and it got me in a really bad place. • • • And so, you know, and then lastly is to, you know, again, we need support. So • whether that's a mentor or a trusted colleague or friend or spouse or partner, • • um, • • to just kind of talk through some things with getting past this.
Stage one is accepting the feedback; stage two is action planning
And then that brings us to stage five, which is acceptance. • • • • And as we know, we, this is about coming to terms with the reality of the survey results, with the reality of the situation. And you know, I didn't like everything I read, you didn't like everything that you read. But you're ready to, I'm ready to put on my big boy pants and to deal with it and to use it to improve because the kids are worth it. And this is the thing that helps me move past it is I start focusing on kids. • • They didn't choose their parents. • • They didn't choose how loud their parents get or how nasty they can get. These kids are in our school. • • • • • • The m kids need us. The kids are worth it. • • And if we take this feedback • • and we accept it and we study it and we decide rationally what are the steps that need to be done, • • • then the kids are going to benefit. • • • • And remember that feedback • is an ongoing process and not a one time event. • • And I know, boy, does it feel like a one time event. It feels like a judge just slammed the gavel down on the • um, • • the thing and up on the bench and said guilty. You know, guilty is charged. • • • • • • • It feels like a judgment. It feels like a one time event, a moment in time. But feedback is an ongoing process. And so some of those things will help move us off of • that, • • • those emotions and get us into that acceptance which then moves us to action. And you know, leaders have a bias towards action. Private school leaders in particular have a bias towards action. And so once we've digested, • • • then we're going to create an action plan. Of course we have to share the survey results with the staff and the back with the parents and what we're going to do to address it. And we're going to be transparent and we're going to use integrity. We're not going to, you know, only share the good numbers or even cook the books on the numbers. • Um, there's a temptation to do that, but there's nothing worth sacrificing your integrity. • • • And that this is just a challenge and an opportunity to move your school in the positive direction. And that's why we're there. That's why we've been entrusted as a leader of our school or of our division. • • And so we have to take that responsibility and move forward. • • • • Is any of this easy? No, I already told you, this is one of the most discouraging days of the year for me. But if we can understand it, • • maybe we can be a little more effective when we're dealing with it.
Five reasons why we sometimes get emotional when we get parent survey results
And so the big takeaways from today's episode, • the five reasons why we sometimes get emotional when we get the parent survey results. Number one, fear of negative feedback. Number two, overwhelming amount of information. Number three, an emotional disconnect. Number four, negativity bias. And number five is fear about sharing the results. • • And then • • • we want to allow ourselves to go through • • • the stages of grief. And by the way, they don't always go in this order. You know, they could be out of order and maybe you only go through three of them. But I think it's a helpful framework. And of course that's denial, anger, bargaining, • depression. And I substituted the word discouragement for depression and then acceptance. • • • And so for your call to action, I have one for now and one for later. • Um, • now is to start a positive comments, Google Doc if you haven't done so already. • And later is when you actually get the results of the parent survey is • allow yourself to go through the stages of grief • and refer back to this episode, refer back to • • the show notes and um, • hopefully • • navigate this • • with, • • • with emotion. Okay, we're not trying to be emotionless, • • but we're trying to be intentional and just uh, move through these stages instead of getting stuck • in anger or denial or bargaining or discouragement for that matter. We want to get to acceptance and then action. • •
Parent Academy is an online digital course that teaches you how to better navigate parents
So • • • I want to wrap it up by just reminding you one more time about Parent Academy • • as an online digital course for you. It's a step by step framework • • for building effective partnerships with the parents at your school and reducing your stress and your anxiety. • • And as I said at the top, • • • it also comes with two 45 minute plug and play PD's webinar trainings for your teachers. They get a 27 page printable notebook with guided notes and discussion questions and other resources. • • And you get a four module course that teaches you how to better navigate the situations with parents. • But then you also get two webinars that are going to train your teachers that you could use on a PD day or you could even use with individual teachers that are struggling in this area or in the future for new teachers, um, as part of their onboarding. And you can check all that out over@the privatescchoolader.com • • parent academy. • And then I want to give you another free gift. Um, this one's called how to use Verbal Judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • And this is a nine page PDF that takes the idea of verbal Judo • • and applies it to • • • working with parents. And Verbal Judo is a, ah, communication strategy that uses words to deesscalate conflict and resolve disputes. • • • And um, George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Jud the General Art of Persuasion. And George Thompson has trained over 200,000 law enforcement officers in the United States in the art of Verbal judo. And so I took the high lights from that book and then applied it to your role as a private school leader. So that's just a free PDF for you. • • Check it out at the privatescchooly year.com judo • • um, and that's how to use verbal judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • • And you know, just again, a reminder, the privateschoolia.com Episode 122 is where you'll find the show notes for today. • •
Mark Minkus: Think about a rising leader at your school
Um, • • and I just would really appreciate it if you • • ever get value from this podcast, if you have been helped, if you've ever picked up a strategy, if it's ever been a source of encouragement for you, if you would just take the time • • today and think of a leader that you know, a leader in your life, • • school leader, • maybe someone you met at a conference • • • and just email them the link for the podcast and then think about a rising leader at your school. • • I, um, think you have a good eye for • • that person that's a rising leader, a rising star. • • Send them the link to the podcast and let them start to consume the content and learn and grow and be encouraged and maybe be inspired. So I really appreciate it if you would do that. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I want to say how much I appreciate you and all the amazing hard work you're doing at your school. Thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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You have probably heard the saying, “No two days the same". This is an accurate description of your job as a private school leader. I used to say to my family, “I go to school to see what’s going to happen”.
While our days are very unpredictable, I have found that some days during the school year are actually very predictable. For example:
I don’t know about you, but I ride a roller coaster of emotions when the parent survey results come out: anger, joy, disappointment, pride, embarrassment, confusion, Imposter Syndrome, happiness, sadness and more.
Receiving feedback is an important part of our jobs and it can help us grow as a school and grow as leaders. That said, parent feedback can be soul crushing when it does not align with how you think things are going at school.
On today’s episode of The Private School Leader Podcast we are going to discuss How To Navigate Complex Emotions When You Get The Parent Survey Results.
Thank you for taking me along with you when you are walking the dog, driving to school or running errands. I appreciate you and what you are doing for the lucky kids and teachers at your school.
Thanks so much for listening and thanks for making a difference!
Mark Minkus
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? Dealing with parents is part of the job as we lead our private schools, but it can quickly lead to stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed.
Is it just me or are the parents at our schools getting more demanding and more intense, more often? That’s why I created Parent Academy! Now you have a step by step framework that will help you go from feeling stressed and anxious to feeling confident and calm. Over the last 33 years, I have built successful relationships with thousands of parents and I have packaged that knowledge into an online course. Not only that, but after I teach you, I am going to teach your teachers these strategies as well! Parent Academy contains two, 45-minute webinars that are Teacher PD’s with a printable notebook, guided notes and discussion questions. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parentacademy to learn more!
What is your biggest problem right now? I want to hear more about your biggest problem and I want to help you solve it.
Whether your problem is feeling guilty that your family gets what’s left of you at the end of the day, relentless parents, difficult teachers, a lack of boundaries between work and school, feeling overwhelmed, Imposter Syndrome, enrollment or teacher morale, I can help.
I would love to hear more about your biggest problem and I would love to be your coach. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/coaching to learn more about working with me 1-on-1.
Being a private school leader is a VERY difficult job. You have to make hundreds of decisions every day, and you have to keep everyone safe, increase enrollment, keep the parents happy, keep the board happy, motivate the teachers, deal with student discipline, beat last year’s test scores and come in under budget.
That can lead to you feeling tired, discouraged and stressed out. I’ve been there. That’s why I created THRIVE Academy just for you. THRIVE Academy is a digital course that will help you get out of survival mode and get back to feeling energized at school. To learn more, go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/thrive
I am excited to share with you a new resource and I want to give this to you as a FREE GIFT to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. It is called The 7 Secrets To Improving Teacher Morale. As private school leaders, we are always looking for ways to improve teacher morale at our schools, but it is hard to know where to start. Well, now you have a step by step plan and you can grab it at theprivateschoolleader.com/morale
I want to give you a FREE gift called 7 Strategies To Effectively Deal With Difficult Teachers. Sometimes we need some courage and confidence to deal with difficult teachers. What you need is a plan! This guide is a step by step plan that you can use to help one of your difficult teachers improve their performance and improve their attitude. Go to theprivateschoolleader.com/difficult to grab this free guide!
I’ve created a free resource for you called “The 6 Things That Every Private School Teacher Wants From Their Leader”. This guide is a 6 page pdf that will be a game changer for you. I guarantee you that if you do these 6 things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. You can pick up your free guide by going to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/guide
I want to give you a gift to say “thank you” for listening to the podcast. I have created a FREE guide for you called “5 Strategies To Help You Work With Difficult Parents”. We know that working with parents is part of the job and most of our parents are great, but some of them can be very demanding and emotional and difficult. This guide will give you the tools that you need to build better relationships and have better meetings with the difficult parents at your school. Go to www.theprivateschoolleader.com/parents to grab the guide. Thank you again for listening every week!
Please check out all of the free resources on my website that can help you serve and lead your school community. There are "Plug & Play PD's" (45 minute webinars with guided notes) as well as Top 10 Lists of Leadership Books, Productivity Books and TED Talks over at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/resources. You can grab the show notes for today's episode at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/episode122
Please write a review of this podcast and help the algorithm push this content out to more leaders. I would love to get your feedback about the podcast, ideas for future episodes and hear about how you are implementing these strategies in your life and at your school. You can email me at [email protected] Thanks!!
I’ve created a FREE RESOURCE for you called “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit”. This is a 10 page pdf that will help you to keep your staff and students safe and help keep your school out of court. Litigation is expensive, time consuming and extremely stressful. This common sense guide will help you to be more intentional and proactive when it comes to protecting your school. You can grab “The Top 6 Ways To Protect Your School From a Lawsuit” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/lawsuit. Thanks!
I am excited to share a brand new resource with you. It is a 9 page pdf called: “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” What is “Verbal Judo”? "Verbal Judo" is a communication strategy that focuses on using words effectively to de-escalate conflict, resolve disputes, and achieve positive outcomes in various interpersonal interactions, particularly in high-pressure situations.
George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art Of Persuasion. So, I have taken several important strategies from the book and applied them to your life as a private school leader. Grab your free copy of “How To Use Verbal Judo To Have Better Conversations With The Parents At Your School” at www.theprivateschoolleader.com/judo
TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome to the Private School Leader podcast, where private school leaders learn how to thrive and not just survive as they serve and lead their schools. I strongly believe that it is possible to have a long and happy and fulfilling career as a private school leader. And my passion is to help you figure out exactly how to do just that right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And I'm your host, Mark Menkis. • • • So I want to tell you about the most discouraging day of my school year • • • and over my career, especially over the last 10 or 12 years. I would say that it was pretty predictable as to which day of the year was going to be my most discouraging day. • • And I'll come back to that in a moment because, you know, my most stressful day, if we want to talk about that, you know, that kind of changes and it's situational and it usually involves a really upset parent. And then that parent, it's complex because • • • they're a teacher or they are a big donor or it's a board members kid. You know, that would be my most stressful day of the year. • • And then, well, what about my worst day of the year? Well, again, that's situational • • • • • because, • you know, it usually involves a tragedy or • • • just something, you know, terrible. The worst thing that happened that school year. And so that's unpredictable. What is predictable is my best day of the year, which is usually the day of the eighth grade versus faculty basketball game. • That is on a Friday afternoon and it concludes spirit week. • And you know, it's a lot of fun, a lot of school spirit, • • and if I had to say, my most rewarding day of the school year, that's easy. Our school, um, um, • • • • goes up to eighth grade. And so eighth grade graduation. And you get to see those kids • • • graduate. And you know, you had a front row seat for that transformation that took place. And for me, that's the most rewarding day. • • • But what about my most discouraging day? Why is that so predictable? • Well, my most discouraging day is the day that I get the results of the parent survey. • • • • • • And the reason for that is because, • • • • you know, you work so hard • • • only you know, the price that you pay • • • to be a private school leader. • • • And then, you know, you have to get feedback, but then you get that feedback • • and the numbers don't reflect • • • • what you think is the version of reality at your school. • • • • • And honestly, • • • • there were days when I would get the • • • • parent survey results and • • • I mean, at best • • I felt like I need to leave and go home • • or I don't think I'M coming in tomorrow. • • • • Um, um, • • you know, that's, that's at best, at worst, sometimes you just feel like, • • I'm not sure I'm cut out to do this. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. • • • And it's so powerful. It's so discouraging, • • and it's so, • • • • • • it's just so big. The emotions are so big surrounding • • • • receiving the results of the parent survey. At least they have been for me • and certainly for a lot of my coaching clients when I talk to them. • • And so what are we going to do about this? Well, uh, on today's episode of the Private School Leader podcast, we are going to discuss how to navigate complex emotions • when you get the parent survey results. • • •
Parent Academy helps private school leaders build effective partnerships with parents
But before we do that, I have another question for you, • • • • and that is, • • • what is the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head right now? • • • • • • What is the name of the parent that's living rent free in your head • • right now? • • • • • Well, I've been there and I used to have parents living rent free in my head 247 when I was trying to fall asleep or when I'm at the dinner table with my family or trying to drive to work or trying to • • take a shower, just anything. And they're living rent free in my head. And I used to get, you know, super anxious and sick to my stomach just thinking about talking to certain parents • and parent issues used to dominate every aspect of my work as a private school leader. And I was stressed out all the time • • and I didn't know what to do and I didn't have a plan and I, uh, had a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear and a lot of insecurity. • • • • • • • • Well, • • • maybe I'm also describing how you feel some of the time. • • • • Well, this is why I created Parent Academy, is because I used to feel this way. • • • • • • But I want you to have a plan. Because • • over 33 years as a private school leader, I • • worked with thousands of parents • • • • and • • I built Parent Academy to help you to have a plan and to have a framework, • • • a step by step framework for building effective partnerships with parents while reducing your stress and anxiety. And I really believe that with Parent Academy, • • • you can go from feeling anxious and stressed out about working with parents to feeling confident • and calm. • • • • • And that's what I want for you. I want you to feel confident and calm instead of anxious and stressed out. And I think you need a plan. And so I would like for you to go to the privatechooladeider.com • parentacademy • • and check it out. Um, in addition to, • • uh, four modules there for you, • • there are two plug and play PDs for your teachers. Because I know sometimes I've talked to private school leaders and they're like, yeah, this is all great that I know this, but I wish my teachers knew this. Well, now we can check that box because • • I've got two 45 minute webinars. • They would have guided notes with discussion questions. And, • • uh, • • this is something that could be a game changer for you and for your teacher. So like I said, Parent Academy, check it out over@the privatescooler.com • • parentacademy and also I just want to say thank you for listening to the podcast by giving you a free resource. • And this is called the six Things that Every Private School Teacher Want from Their Leader. • And this guide is a six page PDF that I think can be a real game changer for you. • • And I guarantee you that if you do these six things, the teachers at your school will be happy to follow you. And so you can pick up your free guide, the six Things that Every Private School Teacher Wants from Their leader by just going to the privatescchoolleader.com guide. And that's free for you just as a thank you • • for listening to the podcast. • •
How to navigate complex emotions when you get the parent survey results
All right, • • so we're talking about how to navigate complex emotions when you get the parent survey results. • • • And I want to break this down into two parts. • The first one is I want to give you five reasons • why • • • • • receiving parent survey results causes complex emotions for you. Give you five reasons. • • And then I want to • • take the five stages of grief • • and apply them to you getting the parent survey results. And I know that that might sound a little • • dramatic, a little over the top, • • • but I want you to stick around because I'm going to show you that this isn't • • overly dramatic and it isn't over the top. And actually the five stages of grief • • • can be super helpful with regards to being a framework for you • • when it comes to you receiving • • the parent survey results and having a framework to navigate those really, really complex feelings. So first of all, why do we get big feelings • when we get the parent survey results? Well, number one reason, number one is fear of negative feedback. • • • • • So • I don't know about you, but I don't like getting negative feedback. • • • You know, even 33 years into a career of private school leadership. • • I mean, I • • have an ego and I have, • um, • • • • certain expectations • • • about my performance and also the results. • And • • when the feedback that I get about the job that I'm doing doesn't Match, • • um, what I think is happening, • • • • • it's hard. And, you know, when you send out that parent survey, • • • • • or for that matter, we'll talk about, when you send out a staff survey, a teacher survey, • • you don't know what you're going to get. And so there's a fear. • • • • And, you know, those survey results can reflect dissatisfaction. • The scores can go down, the parent satisfaction scores can go down. • • • And, you know, we fear criticism because it feels intensely personal. • • • • • That negative feedback feels intensely personal. • • • • And I think one of the reasons that it feels so personal is because, well, number one, it is personal. But number two, you work so hard and you sacrifice so much • • for the kids and your teachers and the parents and the board, • • • • • • and then • • you ask, how are we doing? • • • • • And you get the answers. • • • • • And, you know, maybe I'm talking to some leaders, that your parent survey results are great, and they're great every year, • and you look forward to getting that feedback. Um, um, • • • I mean, I guess there's been some years where I was pretty excited about the feedback because, you know, we improved in a lot of areas. • • • • But • • • it. • • • • It is difficult to overcome that fear of negative feedback. Okay, so that's reason number one. • • Reason number two, • • • • • that we have big emotions surrounding the parent survey results sometimes • • is because it's an overwhelming volume. Amount of information. It's an overwhelming amount of information. And so I was lucky enough that at my most recent school • • that there was someone on the, um, • • PR and marketing and communications team that it was, um, her responsibility to • take all of the data, the survey results, and to put them into a report. • • • Um, you know, and depending on • • • • • • • • • the quality of the tool that you use for the survey, • • • when you're gathering that information, sometimes • you have a very good • • process and you get a high participation rate, and it also does a lot of the work for you. • • But my point is, is that I was lucky enough • • for • • • • • • • about 10 years that I wasn't the one • • • tallying up all the numbers. • • • • But for about 20 years, I was that person. And so it's like a double whammy. It's not just that you're getting the feedback, • • but it's also that you have this • • overwhelming amount of feedback. And sometimes just the sheer volume of that can be paralyzing. You know, it's like • paralysis, • um, um, anal. It's analysis paralysis. • • And so, you know, let's say this, the size of your school, that you're getting • dozens or probably maybe even hundreds of responses, • • and just the task of, like, making sense of it all just feels really, really daunting. And overwhelming, what's actionable, what's just noise, what should I listen to, what should I tune out? And so reason number two • • • is the overwhelming amount of information. • • • • And the reason number three that we sometimes get emotional about parent survey results is because of the emotional disconnect. So let me explain what I mean by this. So surveys most often are anonymous. • • • And so I think that that's important to get honest feedback, • • but it also creates • some emotional detachment and for me at least it's created a lot of cognitive dissonance when it comes to • these nameless, faceless, shapeless • • • individuals that are giving me feedback • • rather than the warm • • community that I've poured myself into • and bent over backwards and had really difficult meetings and did all the hard things • • and serve, serve, serve. • • • • • • When we serve and lead, • • we're serving and leading human beings. • • But when we get the survey results, we're getting numbers • • and we're getting some open ended comments and we don't know who they're from. And so what we do is emotional work and we are in that lane a lot. • • • • • • But then all of a sudden • • the judgment, the feedback, • • • • • um, the survey results, • • • • • there can be a disconnect or a cognitive dissonance • • • • • because it's anonymous. You don't know who is feeling this way, who's giving this feedback. So, • • um, that's reason number three. And then reason number four, and I think this is one of the strongest • • reason number four, why we sometimes have • big emotions surrounding the parent survey results is negativity bias. So you know that that's, that negativity bias is a cognitive bias that causes us to • • process negative information more than positive information • • and that we are more likely to notice and remember • negative events and insults, then we are compliments or happy memories are good things. Okay, • so • • • if I asked you to stop and think about something really awesome that happened to you when you were in middle school • • • or I asked you to stop and tell me, uh, stop and think and tell me something embarrassing or really, really awful that happened in middle school. • • Most people, it's going to be very, very easy to remember the negative thing and it's going to take a while to try and drill down into those memories and remember what was the really awesome positive thing that happened in middle school. • • • • And so an example of this, and I've mentioned this before on the podcast, I remember • • um, um, • • probably about five years ago or so. U, um, • • • maybe a few more years than that. But anyways it was parent conference, parent teacher conferences, and it was a Thursday evening and A Friday morning, • • and then Friday at noon, uh, uh, the teachers were done. So, you know, so let's say it was Thursday from like 4 o clock to 7:30, and then Friday morning from like 8 oock to noon. • • • And I didn't know about this. I was trying to check in with all the teachers, but one of my middle school math teachers, • over the course of those, you know, whatever I just named eight hours or so, you know, if you have 15 minute, 10 or 15 minute, um, conferences, you can have a lot of conferences. And I want to say that she had like 41 different parents that she met with during that time. • • • And I was talking to her on Monday morning and I could tell she was kind of down in the dumps. And, and she's like. And so I asked her what was wrong and she named the parent and said, we had a really bad, • um, you know, • um, conference and just, you know, was just kind of going after me and didn't appreciate this or that and didn't agree with me on this and making a lot of excuses for the kids and just really being critical of my teaching style, so on and so forth. Okay. And I said, well, how many did you have all together? And we looked and I think it was 41. • • • And so my point is this. • • • She had 40 • parent conferences that actually went really, really well and had one that didn't. • • And she literally spent the whole weekend thinking about it and having a difficult time sleeping because of that one, • • • that one conference. And so that negativity bias is so strong. And so that's hard for us when we're looking at parent survey results, to not focus on just the negative, or, excuse me, to not focus on a balanced approach, even if there are positive comments. But we overemphasize the negative feedback • because of negativity bias. And then the fifth reason • • why sometimes we have big emotions around receiving parent survey results is the concern about how others will perceive the results. And for me, this is a big one because there's all this pressure about how, how's the board going to take these numbers, how will the staff take these numbers when I have to share them with the staff? • • Um, you know, the teachers pour themselves into these kids too, and they're going to feel a certain way if the numbers have dropped. • Um, you know, the parent satisfaction numbers or specific numbers about you, the teachers and whatnot. And so, you know, there's probably worry or concern about how these results are going to reflect on you as a leader and the school's reputation. And then I don't know about you. But then it's easy to catastrophize and just be like, okay, well man, am I going to lose my job? Or this is really going to hurt retention? And then that's going to hurt the budget and so on and so forth. • • • And you know, it's super valid just having concerns about how other people are going to perceive the results, especially people who aren't in the school every single day, like the board. • • • So those are the five reasons why we sometimes deal with big emotions around the parent survey results.
The five stages of grief apply to parent survey results
And now I want to walk you through • • • the five stages of grief, • • how they apply to parent survey results, and how this can actually be a helpful framework for you to kind of keep those emotions in check. • • So we've all learned about the five stages of grief. • • Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. • • And I really don't think I'm being overly dramatic to • • • say that we can apply the five stages of grief to parent survey results. Because here's the thing, • • • you know, I did an episode • • a while back as far as like, how to lead while you're dealing with grief • and kind of shared my experience of how I had three sisters pass away in three consecutive years. • • And so • • I think that sometimes we think that the five stages of grief is only reserved for when someone dies. • • • But the, the definition of grief is emotional response to a significant loss. • • • • • Now it's mostly and most often applied to • • • grief over a love, loved one or a friend that's lost, that is, passes away. But it's loss. And so that could be a major life change. It could be • becoming empty nesters, • um, it could be, • • ah, a career change or a big dream that you had. And now that's not going to happen. So • • • loss, an emotional response to a significant loss. And so let's face it, receiving these survey results sometimes can feel like a loss of control. It can feel like • • • • • you thought the school was going in this direction and then you're just all over the place because you're like, wait a second, this does not match up with what I thought was going on in front of my eyes this, this year. But just that idea of • • • • • • what you thought it was going to be, what you thought it was, and all the hard work you put in to earn • where you are in the school year. And then if the survey results don't match that, and especially if they really don't match that, • • • • • • • • • I think we, I think we feel some grief, we feel loss. • • And so let's talk about it.
Grief is worse when it's an internal survey of teachers and staff
So first of all, • • • um, well, and one Last thing on this. Two things real quick here. So I've noticed that for me, these feelings are a lot worse • • • when • • it's a survey of my teachers and my staff about how I'm doing. You know, of course they're asking other questions, but when it's an internal survey, I mean, it's hard enough when you get the feedback from the parents and there's a question on there about bullying, and you have pulled out all the stops and you really thought that things were in better shape, and then the number goes down as far as their satisfaction. • • • Um, but I've found that it's even worse when it's. You're asking the teachers. • • And this was especially true the year after Covid. I know for myself and our, um, head of lower school, you know, and again, teachers were really compromised, and we were all going through a traumatic experience. But, you know, we did so much. And then I remember the numbers were pretty low as far as, like, do you feel supported by your division head? And that was really hard. Um, but the second thing, and the last thing on this before we just go through them quickly is • • • give yourself the permission to go through the five stages. • • • • • You know, this grief is not only reserved for • when someone passes away, • it can be applied to other feelings of loss as well. All right, so give yourself the permission to go through the five stages of grief.
Stage one is denial. Denial is a defense mechanism that help protect from pain
All right? Stage one, denial. So you get the survey results, and • • I don't know about you, but I'm just like, oh, this can't be right. These numbers have to be wrong. These, these results, these numbers, they don't reflect • • • the reality. • Um, • • I'm just, this is. This is crazy. And then you start digging in and you're like, oh, well, only this certain percentage of parents responded. And, well, • • • of course people who are happy aren't going to respond to the survey. Only the parents who are upset. And, you know, and if only the parents who are upset respond, then the numbers are going to be skewed. And, you know, this doesn't reflect reality. And so on and so on and so on. Okay, we're in denial. • • • And when that happens, we might just dismiss the feedback out of hand, dismiss it out of hand, or even just feel • • • • • the urge to ignore parts of it. • • And here's the thing. Denial is a defense mechanism • that • help us protect us from pain. Know our brain is trying to protect us from pain, and it helps us. • Denial helps us avoid uncomfortable truths. • • • • You know, we have denial on parts of our life if our relationship isn't going well with, uh, • um, • • our spouse or partner or if there's something going on with our finances that we're in denial about, • • • • • we stay in denial. We can avoid the uncomfortable truth. And so denial sometimes is a pretty, is a much more comfortable place to be than to deal with the thing. Most of the time that's true. • • • But as leaders, • • • • we have to • • • • move past this denial stage. • And so again, I think it's important to go through it, to sit with it, to experience those emotions and to just be in denial for a little while. You know, it's like back when I did that episode on the August Apology. When you have someone two days before the first day of school that resigns and takes a job in the public school. I told you, have a pity party first, like get it out of your system. So I think denial is okay. I think denial is a good thing. So • • • it's natural. Um, but we don't want to let it hold us back. So • a couple of pieces of practical advice. • You know, just, just um, um, sit in it for a bit. You know, uh, go into denial. • Um, um, but give yourself permission that you're gonna be in denial for a little bit, but then you're going toa face this feedback. • • U, um, and then don't, don't just try and • • • • um, address all the feedback. Just pick like one area and take like one small step • towards processing it. And I'm not even saying responding to it or building a plan. I'm just like processing your emotions about that feedback. • • • And sometimes the most important step is to just take the time to read through all the results • carefully rather than just rushing to the open ended comments • and to just carefully read through them • and to just kind of like • • let those emotions happen. So u, um, it's certainly been true for me. Maybe this is resonating with you. Stage one is denial. All right, then stage two of the five stages of grief is anger. • So once I get through my denial about, well, these numbers can't be right and it was only the upset parents that responded, then I get angry about it • • • • • and I get upset when I see that negative feedback. And I think to myself, • • they have no idea how hard I'm working. • • • • And I think • this is unfair and I think no good deed goes unpunished. And I think what is the point? • • • • And you know, anger is a powerful emotion, • • but can also cloud our judgment and completely slam the brakes on any progress for our school. But we have to get past the denial and past the anger if we're going to do something with the survey results. But it's normal for us to feel these emotions. I say this all the time to my coaching clients. • What we do is emotional work. And being high in emotional intelligence is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing most of the time. • • But then when it comes to us, you know, and we're • m empathic and we are, you know, high in emotional intelligence, well then of course we're going to feel things in a big way. • • • • You know, if we're completely like a robot and unfeeling, • • • • I mean, maybe that helps us out when we get the survey results, but that's certainly not going to help us out on day to day basis doing our job. And so • • • it's the other side of that coin of being high in emotional intelligence. • • And so just a couple of pieces of advice. Um, when we're in that anger, you know, it's okay to have that feeling, it's normal, but then try to become an observer of the situation. That's helped me a lot where I try to be an observer of the situation instead of a participant, instead of just • • • having my, uh, • emotions run wild. And you know, I think sometimes about my emotions and that amygdala hijack and I think about, well, who's driving the bus? • • Am I driving the bus or am I sitting in the eighth row and my emotions are driving the bus? And there are going to be different times, especially • the day you get them and the day after you get the parent survey results, perhaps that emotions are going to be driving the bus. But we need to keep moving our way • • up the aisle from row eight to row six to row two, back to the driver's seat and drive the bus. Okay. One of the ways we can do that is regulating your autonomic nervous system. Um, • • • • I'll link that in the show notes at the Private school leader, • • • • episode 122. • • Um, the episode I did on that and gave some tools about regulating your autonomic nervous system. • • • Um, try as much as you can to view things through the lens that this is data • • • and that data is not a personal attack. These are answers to questions. • And of course people might have an agenda or whatever, all the things that we could say during the denial stage. • • But • • • • feedback is data • • • and these are numbers on a page, these are numbers on a screen. Okay, that's helpful sometimes. And then • • • talk to somebody that you con ve to, you know, whether that's your spouse or another colleague. • • Um, and then once you get through sometimes I've found that it's helpful to kind of go through A couple of these stages with someone else, • um, and then, you know, start getting constructive about it. • • Okay?
Stage three is bargaining. So we go from denial to anger to bargaining
And then stage three is bargaining. So we go from denial to anger to bargaining. And with bargaining we might be like, well, if I could just fix this one area, maybe I could make the parents happy again. And, and if I improve this, then maybe they'll overlook everything else because this thing over here is really shiny. And they seem to be upset about that when really my priorities are the curriculum and their priorities are the, you know, the new basketball uniforms, like, you know, that kind of stuff. • And we just think, well, if I could just, or if I could just blank, or if I could just, you know, that's, that's bargaining. • • And so I think that in that phase at least I'll speak for myself. That sometimes I jump too quick into trying to make changes • • • • before I fully understand the root causes. • • • • Because let's face it, the feedback that we get, • • • • there are root causes for that feedback, and we may never know them. But we owe it to our school and quite frankly, we owe it to ourselves • • to not make a bunch of empty promises or knee jerk reactions or jump into changing stuff and let the tail wag the dog. • • • The tail being the parent survey results and the dog being the entire school organization. • • • • • • And • • again, to just recognize where we are • and to not do anything hasty. Okay? And so that's my first piece of advice when we talk about stage three. Bargaining is, is that don't rush into quick fixes. Just take a step back • • and ask, you know, what are some themes? What are the patterns in the feedback? • • Um, you know, and then just focus, try to focus on • • • big, • not big changes, but sustainable changes. I'm a big believer in • • small changes that are sustainable multiplied by time, • rather than big changes that tend to kind of fall apart. • • So think about it as a system or a classroom procedure that's repeated over and over and over again versus like a New Year's resolution or quitting smoking cold turkey. You know how those usually go. Okay. And so when it comes to the parent survey, let's focus on, um, what can we do • • • that's going to be a change, • • • a sustainable change that can make a real impact over time • • and not try to please everybody all at once. Because that's what happens with bargaining is we're trying to please • • everybody immediately. Okay? We're focused on the long term benefit and what's sustainable.
Stage four of depression is discouragement after receiving parent survey results
And then we get to stage four, which is depression. And I want to tweak that and say discouragement. • • Um, I told you at the top of the episode that this is one of the most discouraging days of my school year, at least it has been in several of the years when I get the parent survey results. And so • • I'm very careful about that word depression, um, because depression and anxiety are real things. • • Their chronic, um, conditions, their medical conditions, • • um, and so I'm not saying that you won't get depressed from the parent survey results, but I think it's more likely that the D maybe could stand for discouragement, you know, and maybe intense discouragement. But at this stage you're just going to feel defeated. • • You might feel like, well, I'm just not cut out for this. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm never going toa make people happy, uh, you know, again. No good deed goes unpunished. I've been working so hard and I've been trying and this is so, so, so freaking discouraging. It feels overwhelming. And just the weight of that feedback feels overwhelming and intensely discouraging. • • • • And so there you sit, you know, you're in that low, low, low spot. You've gone through the denial, you've gone through the anger, you've gone through the bargaining and now you're just sitting in that discouragement and overwhelm. • • What the heck do you do now? Well, • • a couple things. • • • • • • • • • • • I think self compassion is super important right now and I know that that's the least likely thing that we are to do. • • But I want you to think about, • • let's say it's a second grade teacher • • and let's say she is in her first year of teaching, • • but very eager, very coachable, • • • • very good attitude, hard worker. • Um, and, but she's struggling with classroom management partway through the year. Okay, • • • and you're going to pull that teacher in and you're going to talk to her and try and help her and coach her up and support her with the classroom management. • I want you to think about how you're going to talk to her. You know, the tone of voice and • the style, the way, you know, the body language, all of those kinds of things. • • And then I want to ask you if that's the way you're going to talk to yourself the day that you get the parent survey results. • • • • • • • • • • • Something tells me, • • • • • and I'll speak from experience, we're going to be way harder on ourself than we are on that novice teacher who needs support. • • We're not perfect. We're not robots. • • • • Even robots and computer programs make mistakes. Uh, • • so we have to, • • uh, remember that. And one Way to remember that. And I'm really, really, really going toa emphasize this and it will be mentioned again in your action Call to action. • • • I'm going to link episode 37 in the show notes how an annual portfolio will make you a happier and better compensated leader. I just really think that the positive comments Google Doc that you start, • • that I've talked about many times before, this is the time when you pull it out. This is the thing that's gotten me out of the intense discouragement is not just going back and reading the positive • • comments Google Doc from this current school year, but multiple years and be like, • okay, here's evidence because we are stuck when we're in this discouragement spiral we are stuck in • • • if we ask that question, is this a factor of feeling? • • • Okay, it's hard because these quote unquote facts, this feedback is staring us in the face. • • But we got to get past the emotion to get into what are the facts, • • what is the takeaway from this. But we can't get through those feelings • • • if we feel • • complete self loathing • • and that we're an imposter and that we're completely incompetent at our jobs. And so that's why it's super important to pull out, • pull up that, um, • • • • • positive comments Google Docker if you have it on a piece of papers, to pull out that file and to read it and read it and read it and read it • • because you do know what you're doing. • • • • And then lastly is to just remind yourself that feedback is a tool • • • for growth and not a judgment of your worth. Let me say that one more time. Feedback is a tool for growth and not a judgment of your worth. • And boy, don't we • • manage to link • feedback results to our value as a human being and as a leader. • • And that's not healthy. • • • I did that for years and it got me in a really bad place. • • • And so, you know, and then lastly is to, you know, again, we need support. So • whether that's a mentor or a trusted colleague or friend or spouse or partner, • • um, • • to just kind of talk through some things with getting past this.
Stage one is accepting the feedback; stage two is action planning
And then that brings us to stage five, which is acceptance. • • • • And as we know, we, this is about coming to terms with the reality of the survey results, with the reality of the situation. And you know, I didn't like everything I read, you didn't like everything that you read. But you're ready to, I'm ready to put on my big boy pants and to deal with it and to use it to improve because the kids are worth it. And this is the thing that helps me move past it is I start focusing on kids. • • They didn't choose their parents. • • They didn't choose how loud their parents get or how nasty they can get. These kids are in our school. • • • • • • The m kids need us. The kids are worth it. • • And if we take this feedback • • and we accept it and we study it and we decide rationally what are the steps that need to be done, • • • then the kids are going to benefit. • • • • And remember that feedback • is an ongoing process and not a one time event. • • And I know, boy, does it feel like a one time event. It feels like a judge just slammed the gavel down on the • um, • • the thing and up on the bench and said guilty. You know, guilty is charged. • • • • • • • It feels like a judgment. It feels like a one time event, a moment in time. But feedback is an ongoing process. And so some of those things will help move us off of • that, • • • those emotions and get us into that acceptance which then moves us to action. And you know, leaders have a bias towards action. Private school leaders in particular have a bias towards action. And so once we've digested, • • • then we're going to create an action plan. Of course we have to share the survey results with the staff and the back with the parents and what we're going to do to address it. And we're going to be transparent and we're going to use integrity. We're not going to, you know, only share the good numbers or even cook the books on the numbers. • Um, there's a temptation to do that, but there's nothing worth sacrificing your integrity. • • • And that this is just a challenge and an opportunity to move your school in the positive direction. And that's why we're there. That's why we've been entrusted as a leader of our school or of our division. • • And so we have to take that responsibility and move forward. • • • • Is any of this easy? No, I already told you, this is one of the most discouraging days of the year for me. But if we can understand it, • • maybe we can be a little more effective when we're dealing with it.
Five reasons why we sometimes get emotional when we get parent survey results
And so the big takeaways from today's episode, • the five reasons why we sometimes get emotional when we get the parent survey results. Number one, fear of negative feedback. Number two, overwhelming amount of information. Number three, an emotional disconnect. Number four, negativity bias. And number five is fear about sharing the results. • • And then • • • we want to allow ourselves to go through • • • the stages of grief. And by the way, they don't always go in this order. You know, they could be out of order and maybe you only go through three of them. But I think it's a helpful framework. And of course that's denial, anger, bargaining, • depression. And I substituted the word discouragement for depression and then acceptance. • • • And so for your call to action, I have one for now and one for later. • Um, • now is to start a positive comments, Google Doc if you haven't done so already. • And later is when you actually get the results of the parent survey is • allow yourself to go through the stages of grief • and refer back to this episode, refer back to • • the show notes and um, • hopefully • • navigate this • • with, • • • with emotion. Okay, we're not trying to be emotionless, • • but we're trying to be intentional and just uh, move through these stages instead of getting stuck • in anger or denial or bargaining or discouragement for that matter. We want to get to acceptance and then action. • •
Parent Academy is an online digital course that teaches you how to better navigate parents
So • • • I want to wrap it up by just reminding you one more time about Parent Academy • • as an online digital course for you. It's a step by step framework • • for building effective partnerships with the parents at your school and reducing your stress and your anxiety. • • And as I said at the top, • • • it also comes with two 45 minute plug and play PD's webinar trainings for your teachers. They get a 27 page printable notebook with guided notes and discussion questions and other resources. • • And you get a four module course that teaches you how to better navigate the situations with parents. • But then you also get two webinars that are going to train your teachers that you could use on a PD day or you could even use with individual teachers that are struggling in this area or in the future for new teachers, um, as part of their onboarding. And you can check all that out over@the privatescchoolader.com • • parent academy. • And then I want to give you another free gift. Um, this one's called how to use Verbal Judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • And this is a nine page PDF that takes the idea of verbal Judo • • and applies it to • • • working with parents. And Verbal Judo is a, ah, communication strategy that uses words to deesscalate conflict and resolve disputes. • • • And um, George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins wrote a book called Verbal Jud the General Art of Persuasion. And George Thompson has trained over 200,000 law enforcement officers in the United States in the art of Verbal judo. And so I took the high lights from that book and then applied it to your role as a private school leader. So that's just a free PDF for you. • • Check it out at the privatescchooly year.com judo • • um, and that's how to use verbal judo to have better conversations with the parents at your school. • • And you know, just again, a reminder, the privateschoolia.com Episode 122 is where you'll find the show notes for today. • •
Mark Minkus: Think about a rising leader at your school
Um, • • and I just would really appreciate it if you • • ever get value from this podcast, if you have been helped, if you've ever picked up a strategy, if it's ever been a source of encouragement for you, if you would just take the time • • today and think of a leader that you know, a leader in your life, • • school leader, • maybe someone you met at a conference • • • and just email them the link for the podcast and then think about a rising leader at your school. • • I, um, think you have a good eye for • • that person that's a rising leader, a rising star. • • Send them the link to the podcast and let them start to consume the content and learn and grow and be encouraged and maybe be inspired. So I really appreciate it if you would do that. And I've been your host, Mark Minkus. I want to say how much I appreciate you and all the amazing hard work you're doing at your school. Thank you so much for taking some of your precious time to join me here today. And I'll see you next time right here on the Private School Leader podcast. And until then, always remember to serve first, lead second, and make a difference.
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