Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Have you ever regretted a conversation with a stranger or acquaintance?

To be fair, reflecting on past interactions isn’t a bad thing. Maybe you said something that was slightly offensive. Maybe you said something not knowing a person’s full circumstances and worried you may have triggered them.

What you probably experienced was the Liking Gap. Research shows that people often underestimate how well they’re liked after interactions. More often than not, we are our own hardest critics. Today, we dig into the Liking Gap and discuss how to overcome it.

It might not feel that important having meaningful conversations with strangers or casual acquaintances, but it sets the foundation for other relationships and impacts our feelings of belonging, which is a basic human need for survival.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The “Liking Gap” – how it’s measured and why it happens, from being too self-critical to feeling uncertain
• Weak ties – the innate trust we sometimes feel in random strangers or acquaintances – and how this trust has deteriorated over the decades
• How sometimes, we are so focused on wanting to be liked that we miss signals from the other person and are less present – plus, ways to overcome the Liking Gap
• The studies that show people (introverts and extroverts!) feel happier and more connected when they have deep conversations with people they just met
• Questions you can ask to start deeper conversations and techniques for more positive interactions with strangers

Resources & Links

Check out some studies on The Liking Gap in Psychological Science, the American Psychological Association and Science Magazine.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.”

This quote by Heidi Priebe beautifully summarizes what I’m talking about in this episode – neurodiversity and nuances in friendships – with my guest Sadie, a self-connection coach and recovering people pleaser. It’s a subject I’ve been wanting to cover for ages.

Personally, I was diagnosed with ADHD two and a half years ago. Sadie was recently diagnosed with Autism. Today, we discuss it all: letting friendships go, building new ones, and building up new versions of existing friendships after learning you’re neurodiverse.

There are so many blanket statements about making and keeping friends. But if we dive into these nuances and subtleties in our friendships, this is what’s going to make it easier to keep them.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Sadie’s experience learning that she’s neurodivergent later in life and how this impacted her friendships
• How interactions that neurotypical people see as easy can often be quite draining for neurodivergent people
• The “scripts” we give ourselves on how to act in certain situations – and how these scripts prevent us from being our most authentic, true selves in friendships
• Managing differences in friendships (check out Episode 15 for more on this!) and how doing this makes it easier for neurodivergent people in friendships
• Strawberry Friends – the people with whom you can be yourself around the most and don’t feel forced to spend time with
• The relief we can feel after learning that we’re neurodivergent – and also the grief we can feel about past interactions and years of struggle

Resources & Links

Connect with Sadie on her website or on Instagram at @thiscuriouslifecoaching.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

In North America, there are laws in place that make it more difficult to connect.

Zoning and parking laws impact the amount of foot traffic in a town, which consequently affects the number and kinds of third places in a town. People often talk about how these laws impact things like home values or crime – but rarely do they touch on their social implications.

Joining me today is Nathan Allebach, a creative director, marketer, and lover of walkable communities. He has a wealth of knowledge on this topic, and of third places; at the end of this interview, I felt like I’d taken a college course on third places and walkable communities – even though I’d already read up on quite a lot of this.

Want to see more third places? Listening to this podcast is a step. Build awareness for yourself. Follow the organizations Nathan mentions. Talk to local businesses about it. Big changes start with awareness, followed by small changes.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How so many people are having to choose between their financial goals and social wellness – and how third places can be a solution for that
• Our own “third places” growing up – Walmart, Target, the mall, a car – and what millennials have done to try to create their own third places
• Mixed-use zoning, which means shops existed where people lived, and the affect Post World War II America had on this
• Building regulations that impact third places: single family zoning, setback requirements, minimum lot size/square footage requirements; parking requirements
• The roles of race and class in third places, and the impact cars have had on them in history and today
• Guerilla activism, and small things you can do to make an impact: plant street trees; advocate for public art, new benches, zoning and parking reforms; pay attention

Resources & Links

Be sure to follow Nathan Allebach on Instagram and TikTok!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Sometimes it's nice to just have a space to “exist” – to laugh and let go and feel light. I’ve mentioned third places in other episodes, and today, I dive deep into this concept – what they are, their decline, and ideas for bringing them back.

The “third place” was coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg and refers to the place people spend their time after their “first place” (home) and their “second place” (work). They’re meant to be community hubs – places where people can exchange ideas, build relationships, and have a good time.

Here, I talk about the history of the third place and their decline in the past half century. So if you’re out there feeling like a bad friend for not calling people back or because you don’t know your neighbors, give yourself some grace – it’s a little more difficult than it once was.

I’m a total nerd about this topic, and this will be the first in many episodes talking about third places, from the laws and policy decisions that affect them, to how they might look in the future.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a third places is by Oldenburg’s definition and examples – libraries, parks, museums, social services, low-cost businesses
• How third places cultivate a sense of belonging and trust – plus, the populations that especially benefit from them: teens, the elderly, and people with disabilities
• The history of third places, from the 1800s through post World War II and the “American Dream” – plus, third place “replacements,” i.e., places where you pay to gain entry
• How some modern day third places are more focused on self than the community (for example, getting in better shape, leaning into your hobby, etc.)
• Ideas to bring third places back, from using a third place (going to the park, the library, or the neighborhood cafe) to following people who are talking about this

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

TRIGGER WARNING: In this episode we talk about depression and suicide.

Building friendships and community is a skill that takes hard work to master.

For many people, such as myself and today’s guest, Noah, building these connections isn’t just for fun. It’s also about survival. Today, we talk about growing up in a household where you don’t feel seen or supported and then going off on your own – only to realize you’ve never developed the skillset to make friends and build community.

As humans, we’re not meant to go through this life alone, and nothing reminds us of that more than when we feel alone. Eventually, Noah did find his chosen family, which was critical to battling his depression while living in Florida, where there’s a lot of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation.

So many people think they need to understand you to accept you, but the reality is, we’re never going to understand why and how each person in the world lives – and we don’t need to in order to accept them for who they are.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Noah’s life after high school: studying drama in college and moving to Miami, where he fell into a deep depression
• Fear of rejection in friendship – beginners have to get out there and build resilience and NOT view themselves as simply bad at making friends or unworthy
• How, until you become an adult, you might not HAVE to make friends – your family chooses where you live, your community, and the precedent for what’s acceptable
• Making friends with people with whom you don’t feel like yourself as a means of surviving this phase of life
• The messages society tells us – if you’re low, get yourself out of it – and the alternative to create a community who can hold and love you when you’re in your low points

Resources & Links

There are only four states in the U.S. that don’t have active anti-LGBTQ legislation. Check out the ACLU website to see what bills are live in your state.

Check out Noah’s podcast, “Severely Personal” and the Man Enough podcast.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Today’s episode begins with a decision to book plane tickets to California over my birthday and stay with some friends who were going through a medical emergency. They needed an extra hand with day-to-day things: think cooking, laundry, and walking their dog.

Now, I’m not a big birthday person (never have been).

At a certain point in my life, I probably would have been thrilled to be alone on my birthday. Even though society says I should need “everyone” to text me and call me and throw me a big party and do all these things.

So why is it that I found myself alone at the beach in tears with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude?

Tune in to hear more of how this story unfolded, including why we need a “web” of people around us for support and assurance, and the magic of creating filters to decide where you're investing your energy.

Let today be the first day of your little, consistent, actions.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Having solid support systems that can inspire us to take risks, believe in ourselves, get outside of our comfort zones, and bring our wildest dreams to life
• My messy process of how I went from feeling so lonely in a room full of people to feeling supported, starting with a set of reflection questions you can ask yourself to get really intentional about your existing relationships
• Turning the dial up on what’s working well in your current friendships. How can you lean in more and take it to the next level?
• The importance of setting boundaries or even letting go of friendships that are no longer serving us - but not letting that energy detract from focusing on what we want to add to our life with friends
• A simple task you can try to build intentional connection that involves just 5 minutes of space on your calendar each day (or 30 minutes once per week)
• Having a “mental Rolodex” of hundreds or thousands of small moments. This alone will bring you the confidence to tell your friends when you need them. Having a support system is beautiful

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram!

Go back and listen to Episode 19: The One for Little Alex, to hear more about my story.

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

If the title didn't already tell you, we're talking about grief and loss today.

Suzanne Jabour is a transformational coach, certified Grief Educator, and grieving mom who has found meaning in her loss through opening up conversations about grief, including how we can support people experiencing it and how to help grievers to chart their unique “grief path.”

Suzanne and I really get to the heart of it in this conversation. We open up about how we are showing up for the people in our lives that are grieving, which can often feel uncomfortable. But the only way we're going to grow and change and show up better for the people that we love is by reflecting and choosing to consciously do things differently the next time. And luckily, this episode has so many tangible, real life examples.

And if you're looking for more examples of how to show up for someone in grief, contact Suzanne via the links below.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The fear and shame cycles we can fall into when a friend is experiencing grief, and how it prevents curiosity and creative problem solving
• How to support a grieving person in the early, initial stages of their grief (and how it can be most helpful to “show up messy” and offer your best skill set)
• The beauty of picking out the smallest possible actions and actually doing them - for your grieving friend, it may be a one-way street, but a simple heart emoji or “thinking of you” text can mean the world
• People need support for much longer than we think - don’t show up wholeheartedly in the beginning and then fizzle out. Think about how you can continue to support the griever even months later
• How to deal with probing questions from well-intentioned friends and shift the energy in the room back to a safer ground
• Grief is a constant in our lives, and we have to normalize it! Grief can sometimes be a small loss, other times it can feel like an earthquake. No matter how big or small the grief is, all of those losses need to be grieved

Resources & Links

Connect with Suzanne on her website, A Lived Experience and follow her on Instagram at @a.lived.experience and on Facebook.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

How does friendship affect introverts?

This is a topic I’ve been wanting to bring to the podcast for a long time, and since I’m an extrovert who is constantly energized by having people around me, I’m bringing in Becky Mollenkamp, a self-proclaimed “hardcore introvert” who likes to be alone a lot of the time.

Becky and I drop into the real, raw behind the scenes of how being an introvert has affected her friendships and how she’s created the experiences she desires. We also cover how to balance introverted and extroverted friendships, how to protect your friends’ time and boundaries, and why we often mix up what it truly means to be an introvert.

If you’ve ever told yourself “I'm a bad friend,” or “I am just not good at this,” or “I'm never going to make new friends,” those thoughts are VALID, and a lot of people are experiencing something similar.

I hope this conversation makes you feel a lot less alone. So much energy is spent comparing what we “think” friendship should look like, when in reality, we should take that energy and think about how to build relationships that feel good for us.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The limiting beliefs Becky has held on to about friendship, and why it’s sometimes easier for her to forgo investing time and energy into friendships in favor of being alone
• Becky recaps her experiences with friendship through childhood and beyond college. Most of her friends were only there for a season since she moved around so much
• Attachment styles, and how your given attachment style can affect how you form close relationships (and potentially sabotage them)
• “The Liking Gap” and why most people actually underestimate how much another person likes them
• Most of what we see in society is an extroverted vision of friendship. We talk about what it looks like to have a friendship amongst introverts, or where one person in the friendship is an introvert
• Spending time together will look differently for introverts than it will for extroverts. As such, some friends will spend more time together as they have similar energies, but there are ways to make introverted friendships even more fulfilling

Resources & Links

Connect with Becky on Instagram at @beckymollenkamp, LinkedIn, Twitter, or on her website.

Check out the article, The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Today is one of those episodes where you get to sit on my big couch in my living room with me and Nkem Chukwumerije, having a late night conversation where we're trying to figure out life. And it's SO good.

Nkem (she/they) is a Nigerian-American writer, transformational program designer, artist, teacher, and energy cultivation practitioner. Her style of being in the world is intentional, (com)passionate, idealistic, pleasure-centered, and wisdom-centered. All of these attributes are woven throughout her art and projects, the programs she creates, and the way she works with her communities. 

Nkem is at a place where she’s ready to redefine what friendship means in her own life. We explore interracial, intercultural, and interspiritual aspects, masculine and feminine dynamics, along with the healing power of community and why we need to normalize social wellness as a constant journey.

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this episode. Daydream, reflect, and let it give you the inspiration to think about how friendships are playing out in your life.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Nkem shares her many experiences with friendships, including the intensity of having friends for just a season, and how moving around a lot has affected the types of friends she’s attracting
• The balance between having a powerful community around you to support you, and also having the power to show up for yourself and validate yourself without having to outsource your burdens
• What it was like for Nkem to grow up as an American, understanding her Nigerian roots and building “protected spaces” rather than following the mainstream ideals of “the American Dream”
• The ripple effect we can create within “friend group cultures” and how to navigate, accept, and grieve our friends’ life transitions
• Normalizing social wellness as a “constant journey” - some friends are not meant to be in our lives forever. Plus, how the feminine and the masculine dynamic can apply

Resources & Links

Connect with Nkem on Instagram at @wellspringwords and @naturallyfree123. Her website wellspringwords.love is home to her virtual writing studio.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle. In Part 2 of today’s episode, we’re delving into the small actions we can start to take to bring men back into the fold into community and into connection.

Some of this work starts with having open conversations out loud. I’ll share some tangible questions you can talk about with the men in your life, plus we’ll dive into how men can begin to prioritize the logistics around the friendships in their lives, and even change the culture of their existing relationships by asking deeper questions.

No more comparing men’s friendships to women's friendships or romantic relationships.

I don’t think men can do this alone - we ALL have to be in this together! (And if you haven't already, go back and listen to Episode 31 for Part 1: All About Men's Friendships).

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What we need to start paying attention to - from moments where men are shutting down in conversations, to societal messages that say men’s friendships are “lesser than”
• How my husband Michael has built a consistent connection point with his friends through a Fantasy Football league.
• Why friendship should not be an afterthought for men. They shouldn't feel the need to complete every other thing in their life before they spend time with their friends.
• The importance of discussing the meaning of social capital out loud and with the men in your life: How are you maintaining relationships? How much work is it? How are those relationships supporting your life? What vital roles are they playing?
• How Michael and I handle prioritization around our time together vs. our friends. What do we do if we’re invited to a birthday party the same night as a scheduled date night? We’re not always each other’s “person” for everything in life.

Resources & Links

Tune in to Episode 2: Your Friendships Are As Important As Your Romantic Relationships

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.