Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

The more I think about men's friendships, the more fired up I get. If I could paint an analogy for you, men’s friendships feel like a big ball of yarn with thousands of strings that we have to untangle.

There are a lot of narrowly defined stories about how a man should “be” in today’s society - they should be powerful, they should provide and be self-sufficient, and they should be in control. But just because society was built for men, by men, does not mean these systems are working for the modern man.

Studies show that men have nearly the same amount of friends as women, but their fear of vulnerability and authenticity prevents them from creating genuine, meaningful connections.

So let’s dig in and talk about the three systems of power that are keeping men in these very narrow boxes. And stay tuned as Part 2 comes out next week to explore more ideas around this topic.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Being a man can be lonely. Between suicide rates, mental health, drops in admission and graduation for higher education, and higher earnings, what does all this mean to “be a man”?
• Why we’re in a weird, limbo place with redefining the definition of masculinity. Men are “allowed” to be more vulnerable, but the boundaries are so unclear.
• A breakdown of the 3 systems of power that are keeping men in a box, including capitalism and white supremacy.
• The many issues that are affecting men’s friendships with women - women can be so much more than just romantic and sexual partners.
• Why men struggle to make meaningful connections in their community, especially with the loss of “third spaces” and circumstantial situations, like going through a divorce or navigating a new life as a widower.

Resources & Links

Books mentioned include All About Love, The Will to Change, How We Show Up, The Road Less Traveled, Bowling Alone, and Fair Play.

I also recommend the works of Alok Vaid-Menon. Tune in to his episode on the Man Enough podcast.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

As much as I love having the hard conversations and talking about the big life moments, sometimes it's just as fun to talk about how community and friendship are really working.

Vickie Leuenberger traded cold Canadian winters to live full-time on a boat cruising the Caribbean Sea and its surrounding islands. She fuels her adventurous lifestyle through 4 different streams of income.

Her stories of unexpected generosity and kindness from complete strangers, especially in moments of adversity, will give you the chills. She also shares so many practical and actionable tips for anyone who is curious about this alternative lifestyle.

My biggest takeaway is that the cruising community is so much richer and more beautiful than I could have anticipated, and I think it’s safe to say that many of us are craving the types of experiences Vickie talks about in this episode.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• “Cruising culture”, what surprised Vickie the most about living on a sailboat, and how she stayed mentally prepared for the adventure
• The fast and furious nature of building community - including the unexpected generosity of other cruisers when Vickie’s motor died on her boat
• How the cruising lifestyle changed Vickie’s perspective about family and relationships (it’s actually common for some cruisers to have children who live on land after experiencing sailing for many years!)
• The beauty of the Caribbean’s relationship-centric approach to life - rather than focusing on consumerism, it’s all about who you are connected to
• How Vickie now helps set the tone of cruising culture with new cruisers by leading the way and showing them the ropes
• Why curiosity is the #1 skill you need to have to be successful living on water (curiosity solves most problems!)
• Vickie’s favorite tips for anyone considering this lifestyle, including getting formal training, avoiding cheap equipment and electricity, joining Facebook groups, and yes, even getting couples therapy first, if you’re sailing with a partner

Resources & Links

Connect with Vickie on her website, Facebook and Instagram.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Are you blocking yourself from making beautiful connections?

My favorite thing is meeting people I never would have met otherwise and today’s guest, Manpreet Singh is one of them. He wears multiple hats as a father, son, husband, and friend to many beautiful souls. His definition of friendship? Comfort.

This is one of those conversations where I really was IN it. Manpreet and I talk about breaking the ice when making new friends, the magic of “third places”, and what friendship means to both of us. There is so much to glean from this episode. I was expanding my own thoughts about friendship, people's experiences, and am now thinking about it so much differently.

Friendship IS possible for all of us and building new connections and embracing the discomfort along the way is one of the most powerful skill sets we can have.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The beauty of meeting new people for the first time. It can be uncomfortable at first to break the ice, but there’s a secret to minimizing the awkwardness.
• Why friendship is all about unsaid “comfort” - it’s about being yourself, letting your guard down, and spending time together without needing to prove yourself.
• The all-too-common trend of blocking potentially incredible connections. It’s simply not true that your best connections are made in your first two decades of life.
• Why it’s better to loosen our expectations of friendship, co-create together, and just allow our friends to be there for us, even if we lose touch for years at a time.
• The scarcity mindset society has around friendship that is making us feel lonely.
• Bonding with friends when we’re going through our lowest points in life: divorce, heartbreak, financial turmoil. We can choose to stay open and vulnerable.
• The lack of “third places” that exist in today’s society and why that makes it even harder to form new friendships.

Resources & Links

Connect with Manpreet Singh on LinkedIn and YouTube.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Can you imagine what it would be like to find “unicorn friends”? The kind you can have adult slumber parties with and just “exist” and do life with, unapologetically?

You’re about to hear an incredibly inspiring story of friendship between two families. Dr. Erika Michalski is an aggressive optimist, fierce authenticity advocate, and the founder of Strategically Authentic, a consulting company dedicated to helping individuals and teams leverage who they are to get where they want to be. Did I mention she’s also passionate about data, documentaries, dance parties, and dessert?

If things are feeling hard and limiting in your friendships, maybe the answer is to think outside of societal norms. To smash the box, and instead, build what feels right to you. I'm so excited for the conversations that are going to come out of listening to this one.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The challenges of building relationships where we’re constantly in a state of apology. The secret to authenticity is just existing as ourselves - not apologizing for our house being a mess!
• Flipping friendship questions back on yourself: Do you even want this friendship? What do YOU bring? What are you looking for? You have to serve yourself.
• The moment where Erika and her family formed a near “instant” friendship with another couple and their children (plus, how their story roots were created)
• What it means to have “unicorn friends” and how Erika’s most sacred memories in her friendship are tied to having adult slumber parties
• How to make your friends feel deeply valued and be able to enjoy the endless “do nothing” space that exists after you get past the barriers of catching up

Resources & Links

Connect with Dr. Erika Michalski on her website or follow her on Instagram at @consultantbarbie.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

What is loneliness? It’s a feeling a lot of people are having nowadays. And if we can get to the heart of this question, we can come up with some strategies to minimize it for ourselves.

Cigna conducted a study in 2022 and revealed that 58% (!) of people say they always or sometimes feel like people don’t know them well.

So today I want to talk about loneliness. I want to talk about its definition, the 3 types that researchers have found, and why I think having an understanding of the concept of loneliness can help us combat it.

Loneliness does not have to be an elusive mystery. There are things we can do to redirect our energy and slowly chip away at this feeling so we can all feel a little less lonely.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The definition of loneliness, and how it differs from social isolation. Isolation is a risk factor for loneliness, but it is not loneliness
• 3 dimensions of loneliness: intimate or emotional loneliness, relational or social loneliness, and collective loneliness
• Why some of our loneliness can be blamed on our expectations that come from societal messages, pop culture, mass media, social media, or even expectations we’re holding on to about a certain friendship
• How to recalibrate our expectations by ignoring the the shiny, unrealistic highlight reels of someone else’s life in favor of celebrating the quiet moments we have with friends that may not be that interesting from the outside looking in
• The incredible value of pouring into our “weak ties” and building a broader support system, rather than focusing on one or two relationships

Resources & Links

Learn more about loneliness at Campaign to End Loneliness and read their facts and statistics about loneliness here.

Check out the book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek H. Murthy.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

When some of your closest people move across the world, there are so many things to learn - whether it’s a new appreciation for the beauty that can come out of people you love moving far away, or even getting to witness the new communities they built.

Travel blogger Amber Haggerty is here to talk about the balance of building intentional expat friendships and making a new community of friends after you move. It's actually a pretty wild story - Amber was on vacation when lockdown happened and decided to make a permanent move to Ireland, where she’s now been living for the past two and a half years. 

Today’s conversation is filled with so many honest moments and I hope it helps you approach long-distance relationships with your friends in a whole new way, with a little more intention and thought.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The constant pull of navigating your relationships back home, vs. the new people you’re meeting when you move away (and why Amber works under the assumption that she’ll be in Ireland “for the foreseeable future”)
• Amber shares how she sets boundaries with out-of-town guests who want to visit her, while offloading some of the emotional and non-emotional labor of hosting to avoid resentment
• Approaching travel itineraries with curiosity - sometimes it’s not as straightforward or easy to get from one European country to another! Consider asking yourself, “is there a version of this that would be fun?”
• How to create enjoyable “workcations” with friends to maximize quality time together. Plus, how to be a great guest.
• The sometimes complicated dynamics of making “couple friends” and what to do if you prefer to invest more into one person within the couple.
• How Amber curated an “intentional friend group” on Bumble that she can invest into outside of her relationship.

Resources & Links

Check out Amber’s travel blog, Amber Everywhere (especially if you’re planning a trip to Ireland), and follow her on Instagram at @amber.everywhere.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

The pain from friendship break-ups is real.

Society doesn’t give them the same weight as romantic break-ups, but sometimes they can leave you even more broken. When I had my own friendship break-up, I cried myself to sleep multiple nights a week for almost a year.

Today’s guest is Patrice Poltzer, whose friendship break-up was with a high school friend who she remained close with until the birth of her first child. She describes their parting as one of the greatest tragedies and mysteries of her life.

Patrice and I are not alone in feeling this way. The friendship break-up is one of this show’s most requested topics. We need to normalize the fact that not all friendships last forever. They have highs, lows, and some end very painfully. But, as Patrice says, maybe this is okay - it allows us more room to expand our hearts and let other people in.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The story of Patrice’s friendship break-up and the repercussions it had on her life for years afterward
• How sometimes with deep friendship break-ups, you can’t move to being surface-level friends
• “Best friends” in pop culture vs. real life, and how, as adults, the term “best friend” is too all-encompassing
• Part of what makes some friendship break-ups so hard is that these friends knew us during important moments in our lives – potentially when nobody else knew us
• How even after a friendship break-up, the history is always there; it’s like walking into a room you’ve been in before and being flooded with memories
• The need to normalize that friendships have highs and lows, and not all friendships are meant to last forever

Resources & Links

Follow Patrice at patricepoltzercreative.com or on her Instagram.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Today’s guest is life coach Brenda Bloczynski, who reached out to us to share about a friendship group she’s a part of with her church. It began as a “favorites” group that met via Marco Polo – a video messaging mobile app – right at the pandemic’s start. They shared favorite kitchen gadgets, make-up lines, hacks, etc.

Over time, it grew to become so much more. After lockdown, the women began meeting for regular dinners, breakfast clubs, and girls’ weekends. When one member was diagnosed with cancer, the rest gathered behind to support her.

Digital connection is “at our fingertips” all the time, but Brenda’s story shows us that what’s important is how we USE these tools. Hers is a beautiful example of how something so simple can grow into a flourishing, supportive community.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Brenda’s story of how the Marco Polo group started and grew into what it is today – and how much of its success derives from being PRESENT with other people
• How people are often scared of big groups – but if you feel the magic of a group, you often want to bring others in so they can feel it too
• There is no “equal exchange” in friendship – and why instead, we should think about nourishing our friends using our natural gifts 
• How, as adults, society really champions the “catch-up” friends – but here, Brenda found a group of women to DO LIFE with as it happens, day by day.
• Group vacations, which are often most successful when you can break up and come back together at various points
• How Brenda’s friend group rallied around one of the members who was diagnosed with cancer

Resources & Links

Connect with Brenda on her website or on Instagram.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

The past few years, loneliness has become the new normal.

Yes, we want to learn how to self-soothe, to sit with ourselves, to be bored. What’s NOT good? Constantly wishing you had more connections. Society tells us that making friends is hard as an adult, but I believe we CAN impact this area of our life through small actions that build up over time.

So today, I’m going to tell you how I’m trying to figure out this problem in my own life through my 5 friendship goals for 2023 – plus the small actions I’m taking to get there. (Side note: listening to my episode about friendship goals might help in understanding today’s show.)

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How I’m mixing up my patterns and putting myself out there in the world, from having random conversations with people in coffee shops, to going to classes
• Benefits of formal communities, including: never knowing who will walk through the door, common goals, learning and improving ourselves, and different perspectives
• How I’m trying to make more business friends – specifically, entrepreneurs building online-based businesses – including partaking in more groups and saying YES
• One way Michael and I have decided to use our money to further our goals of spending more time with friends who’ve since moved far away from us
• How I’m reinvesting in my historic friendships, from connecting virtually to reinvigorating our old traditions through travel and check-ins
• Getting creative and using your resources to create your own systems to invest in social wellness

Resources & Links

Visit my website to see the “Your People” framework, which can help to understand your friends, family and community.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

A lot of us want direct beginnings and endings in friendship.

But the reality is, most of us are just riding a wave. We control our friendships less than we think we do, and life’s major transitions inevitably affect our relationships – sometimes causing these friendships to drift apart.

It’s important to remember these relationships – and how they existed during a period in our lives – will always be dear to us. Personally, I wish I could go back to when my friends lived 10 minutes away. But life changes, and dwelling on it doesn’t help me figure out the NOW.

This episode is Part 2 of my conversation with today’s guest, Kristian, who reached out to Friendship IRL after finding us on Apple Podcasts. Kristian is in her 20s, and today, we talk more about the relationship changes that happen during this age.

There is no exact answer on how to be a good friend as an adult. Your mid-20s represent a big transitional moment. But hopefully today’s discussion helps reframe how to approach these friendships – and takes some pressure off of them, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Musings about why romantic relationships might affect more female friendships than male friendships
• Getting together for “the deep stuff” vs. just getting together and doing things less emotionally intense – and why both are nice things to have in friendships
• How, with every new life stage, there are new people you’re putting more energy into and people you’re pivoting away from – which, of course, can hurt sometimes
• Drifting apart gradually vs. a big “friendship break-up,” and what to ask yourself when determining whether to put more energy into a friendship
• Friends who primarily prioritize their partners, and why talking about and prioritizing friendships is counter-cultural in so many circles
• How to use the business term MVP in looking at friendships 

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today.