So ladies, do you ever have a front fart? Like a fart that instead of escaping out the back, burbles up the front? Alice can't be the only one, right?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Ode to a Korean corn dog

- The Federalist Papers. Whatever those are.

- Bulletproof wheat, Jewish mac and cheese, exploding cakes, and more things you may find at your local grocery

- An introduction to an innovative new shopping website: double-u, double-u, double-u, dot, Amazon, dot com

- What to do when your mouth is into it but your heart just isn't

We're trying to boost our ratings by saying incendiary things about beloved personalities. Watch out, Betty White, Ryan Reynolds, Mel Gibson, Queen Camilla. We're coming for you.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Is James Marsden good enough to be enchanted by?

Nothing but CRIME happening in this episode. Rat thievery.* Puppy abuse.** Serial killing.***

Other discussion topics may include:

- Handheld vegetables and the gloves that hold them

- The underrated flavor combination of household cleaner and barbecue pork

- How to pepper in some incest to give a story some humor

- The latest, tiniest, most gluten-filled member of the 27 Club

- Grand Theft Horsey

* Thievery by a rat, not of a rat

**The puppy is FINE. It was just the once.

***Oh yeah, no, this one's real.

It's a lot of people's birthdays today, and they're all EXTREMELY relevant :D And Alice had a classic bonehead misadventure down at the historic Reitz Home Museum Bourbon and Bowties soiree and has lived to tell the tale! It'll make you clutch your pearls and say, "My stars!"

Other discussion topics may include:

- Games on phones, chips on shoulders, and pinkings on wood

- A new, discus shaped asbestos medicine

- Is it ever okay to go blue face?

- Mediocre tasting decorations and building materials

You know how Alice and Doug generally just talk out of their asses? Well, they do their due diligence and correct their falsehoods too. It's time for Dueling It Went Terriblys!

Other discussion topics may include:

- A look at that delicious, salty penguin blood

- When to take away a kid's Switch. And switchblade.

- The vasectomy that ended the Lincoln lineage

- How to file with the National Trademark Homeowners Association

- A glimpse into the anal languages

Have you ever gotten into a frisky time race against the clock in one of those super deluxe car washes that's like a sudsy, frilly rave inside? It's like a Neon Demon fever dream.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Hoity toity privileged (possibly cowboy) butlers

- Explanations of important pieces of history, such as Del Amitri and Ultimate Chicken Horse

- Season recap of Law and Order: Deep V Tee

- The glory of trash food

- What sounds do cars make when they move? Find out this episode!

This week is a short one because Alice is dead and Doug is dying, and what's gonna happen to the podcast?! Would any of y'all step up to host? Who are we kidding, there's probably a line of you a mile long, vying for these coveted spots. Right? Right???

Other discussion topics may include:

- Coffee Monster vs. Coughie Monster: Which is scarier?

- The birthday of superstars actress Mint Joan Hart and Maeby others

- The Joy of Destroy

- Somehow Riverdale is discussed again

- Celebrate Velociraptor Awareness Day with Saved by the Bell: The Jurassic Years

Wouldn't it be interesting if both Abraham Lincoln and William Shakespeare didn't know how to read or write until they were 16? Well, it's not true, so don't go spreading it around. We could get sued!

Other discussion topics may include:

- The legend of former U.S. President Bill Hank Harry

- As the NBA playoffs get going, who's your favorite team? The Bull Illinois Chicago Bull Team?

- Dumb band names, such as "The Beatles"

- Growing beards, fighting bulls, marrying your sister, and other very manly things

It's time for Dueling It Went Terriblys! We're switching up the format with a livelier, more interactive, tit-for-tat (heh) segment on all the mistakes we've made in the past month. On the podcast, and in our lives. It's sobering as hell.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Ride share inconsistencies, such as stopping for gas or finding a dead body

- How to earn a dishonorary doctorate

- Sordid lives of 2nd through 8th graders, including arm shaving, suicide debates, and assorted Wieners

- An incredibly effective, seven-foot tall option to dissuade employees from sexually harassing each other

- Being driven crazy by bugs, mad by dogs, and psychotic by Maya Angelou

What's your favorite pasta shape? What would you put on your vanity license plate? Would you ever perform a midnight blood ritual to help your roses grow?

All these scintillating questions and more in this week's episode!

Other discussion topics may include:

- The sanitary dangers of reading smut on a plane

- Infamous Satan worshippers...such as Ralph

- The absolute waste of being a vegan in Maine

- Disappointment over a fancy dinner with no death course

- Izzy Agalea, Ghost Face Pillow, and other modern music stars