HEYNA

IT'S HEYNA 24, BABBBYYYYYY!!! GREAT EPISODE HERE FOR YOU GUYS. C'MON! IAN FINALLY DECIDED THE TIME WAS RIGHT TO GIVE YOU ALL THE GIFT OF THE PUSSY TRAIN OPENING. WHAT AN OPENING! MAN OH MAN! HOW'S YOUR MOM? SHE WELL? GOOD! JUST ASKIN' IS ALL!! NO BIG DEAL!! CALM DOWN!!! SHE CERTAINLY KNOWS HOW TO MOVE THOSE HIPS, THOUGH. JUST SAYIN'. JUST SAYIN' IS ALL. HAHAH, FUCKIN' JANICE. WHAT A HOOT SHE IS. WHAT’S THAT?! WHAT?! WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?! WHO?! YOUR FRIENDS DOWN BEHIND JOE’S KWIK?! OH THOSE FANTASTIC FRIENDS OF YOURS?!

BUON GIORNO!! APIZZA PIE!!! HEYNA IS LIVE FROM THE ITALIAN FESTIVAL BABY!! DOWNTOWN SCRANTON! WE ARE EATIN’ CALZONE. WE ARE EATIN’ PIZZA FRITTA. WE ARE EATIN’ BRAGIOLE. WE ARE MAKIN’ NIPPLES WITH CANNOLI. YOU KNOW? LIKE HOLDIN’ THE CANNOLI UP TO OUR CHEST, NIPPLE-HEIGHT, GOIN’: “OOOOH, LOOK AT MY NIPPLES. OOOOOOH ME.” YOU KNOW? BUT A LADY HAD TO RUIN THE FUN, COMIN’ UP TO US SAYIN’: “I HAD A DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. HOW DARE YOU.” AND WE SAID: “C’MON, JANICE! IT’S THE ITALIAN FESTIVAL!” I MEAN, NO OFFENSE TO HER... BUT, IF YOU CAN’T DO CANNOLI NIPPLES— WHAT’S THE POINT?! C’MON!

TIME TO GET RID OF THAT 9/11 HANGOVER!!! WITH HEYNA 26??????? WE TALK ABOUT CUMS, WE TALK ABOUT THE LADIES, WE TALK ABOUT PARTYIN' BABY!!!!! IT'S HEYNA 26 CMON WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? STOP!!!!!! LISTEN TO HEYNA 26!!!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S HEYNA 27. AND WE DON’T CARE THIS WEEK. FUCK YOU! WHO CARES?! YEAH, MAYBE WE PHONED IT IN THIS WEEK. SO? WHO’S ASKING? YOU KNOW? GET OUTTA HERE. LITTLE UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLE. OKAY?

LISTEN. We get it. We took a week off, SHUT UP!!!!! Ungrateful little fucks. We talk about a lot, don't be scared. Come on. Ian had a KID! I mean WOAH right?!?!?! We learn of Evan's heroic moment at Firefly. Lizzo fuckin sucks I guess!!! We talk about those weird signs about deaf kids? Jump right in, come on. Don't be scared!!!!!!

How do you like your school shooting conspiracies? Dunmore! Dunmore!

haha!!!!!!!!! crazy right?!!!!

WOOOOOOO IT’S HEYNA 29, BABY!!!!! WE TALK ABOUT A LOTTA STUFF IN THIS EPISODE!!!! THE BIDEN EXPRESSWAY!!! REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE CALLED THE SCRANTON EXPRESSWAY?! HAD A LOT OF GOOD TIMES ON THAT ROAD, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT! GOT MY FIRST BLOWJ ON THAT ROAD!!!! I WAS ON THE WAY TO A CHEAP TRICK CONCERT BACK IN '77. HER NAME WAS JENNY, BUT WE ALL CALLED HER "BUBBLE SQUEAK".. BECAUSE SHE USED TO MAKE THIS FUNNY LITTLE NOISE WHEN GOBBLIN' YOUR POLE. A LITTLE SQUEAK NOISE, HENCE THE NAME "BUBBLE SQUEAK." HAHA!!! NO IDEA WHERE THE "BUBBLE" PART CAME FROM, MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH THE EJACULATE. I DON'T KNOW!!!! ANYWAY, ALSO GOT MY ASS EATEN ON THAT ROAD!!! THAT WAS A WEIRD EXPERIENCE, AND IT INVOLVED A LOT OF CRYING. FROM ME. BUT I STILL LOOK BACK FONDLY ON IT, BECAUSE IT TAUGHT ME A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT MYSELF! I DON'T LIKE GETTING MY ASS EATEN! ALRIGHT?! IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL!!! I JUST DON'T LIKE IT! THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE SMELL THAT IS JUST SO ENTIRELY OFF-PUTTING, YOU KNOW?! I GOT PINK-EYE!! I DID!!! I GOT PINK-EYE AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO PROM THE NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOAHHHH JEEZE LOUISE!! IS IT GEEZE LOUISE? JEEZE LOUISE? WHO GIVES A SHIT! WHATEVER! DON'T CARE-- BECAUSE IT'S HEYNA 30, BABY!!! WOOOOO!! YOU TELL YOUR MOMMY ABOUT US YET? YOU TELL HER? YOU DID? WHAT'D SHE SAY? SHE DID?! HAHAHA. WHAT A CHARACTER SHE IS. ANYWAY-- DON'T BE SCARED, TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US. C'MON. C'MON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOAHHHHHH, BABY! IT'S HEYNA 31! A FRIDAY EDITION OF THE FAMED HEYNA PODCAST!!! HAHAHA!!! LISTEN, SORRY ABOUT WEDNESDAY.. OKAY? YOU CAN COME OUT NOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SCARED. C'MERE. C'MERE, GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT BED. YOU OKAY? YOU STILL AFRAID? WANT DADDY TO GET YOU A GLASS OF WARM MILK? YOU DO? OKAY, I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT. ONE SECOND, DADDY WILL BE RIGHT BACK. 

OKAY, HERE YOU GO. LET ME SIT ON THE EDGE OF YOUR BED. YEAH, GET UNDER THOSE SHEETS. GET COZY. SO THE FIRST TIME I EVER PERFORMED CUNNILINGUS, I WAS 14. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING. IT WAS SUMMER AT THE PAUPACK AND I WAS FEELING WILD AND RAW. AND I MET THIS GIRL, WHO'S NOW YOUR MOTHER. SHE WAS WORKIN' AT THE SNACK BAR NEAR THE LAKE'S EAST SHORE. SHE WAS PLAYING COY WITH ME. YOU KNOW? ALWAYS GIVIN' ME THE SIDE-EYE GLANCE, CHECKIN' OUT MY BAIT AND TACKLE HUNG SNUG IN MY SPANDEX. HAHA, THOSE WERE THE DAYS. 

ANYWAY, I FINALLY GOT HER TO STOP BIRD-DOGGIN' ME AND GO OUT ON A DATE TO THE LOCAL DRIVE-IN. TOP GUN WAS PLAYIN' THAT WEEKEND. BUT WE WEREN'T WATCHING NO FIGHTER JETS-- I WAS PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON YOUR MOTHER. IT TASTED A BIT LIKE TREE SAP. TREE SAP AND HMM.. A BIT OF MUST, I GUESS. 

SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME RIGHT THEN AND THERE, AS I WAS DOWN THERE PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS. SHE SAID: "I LOVE YOU, BUDDY JONES-HOWERY." AND I LOOKED UP, JUICE ALL OVER MY MAW, AND WHISPERED: "I LOVE YOU TOO, CINNAMON." AND I PROCEEDED TO TICKLE HER ANUS WITH MY PINKY AS THE CAR HEADLIGHTS THAT SURROUNDED US BATHED YOUR MOTHER IN A SOFT, YELLOW GLOW. SHE LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL. 

ANYWAY, ENJOY THE PODCAST. DADDY ISN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE, BABY.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I LOST A FRIEND!!!! COME BACK!! EH?! JEEZE LOUISE! PLEASE!