Scores feel important in judged sports. They’re everywhere. On scoreboards, on social media, and in post-meet conversations. But the way we talk about scores can quietly shape how an athlete feels about themselves.

I see this all the time when I work with teams. After a meet, I ask athletes what they’re most proud of. At first, they’re ready to answer. Then I say they can’t talk about scores or places. Suddenly, it’s hard for them to think of anything. That’s how early athletes learn to measure their experience by outcomes they don’t control.

The problem is that scores start to feel like proof. Proof that the work was worth it. Proof that the money, time, and effort mattered. When the score isn’t what they hoped for, many athletes walk away feeling like they failed, even if they competed well.

I once heard a story about a gymnast with intense performance anxiety. She had been falling meet after meet. Then one day, she stayed on every event. For the first time, she hit four for four. She was proud just to get through the meet.

The first thing her mom said was, “Why am I paying so much money for you to get 14th place?”

In moments like that, kids don’t just hear disappointment about results. They hear something about their worth. They learn that effort only counts if the number is good. And that belief is a powerful driver of performance anxiety.

That’s why I tell parents something that can feel uncomfortable at first: don’t talk to your kid about scores. That’s not your role. Your job isn’t to help them gain tenths. Your job is to support what they actually control.

Praise resilience. Praise effort. Praise how they bounce back, stay focused, and keep showing up. Notice progress compared to their last meet, not someone else’s podium finish.

Those messages help athletes feel safe to compete, learn, and grow.

In this episode of the PerformHappy Podcast, I talk about how to talk about scores in a way that protects your child’s confidence and helps reduce performance anxiety.

Learn exactly what to say and do to guide your athlete through a mental block with my new book "Parenting Through Mental Blocks" Order your copy today: https://a.co/d/g990Bur

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