I Love You, Too

Are you wondering, "Do I have to tell my date that I'm queer or trans?" or "Should I tell my partner if I'm questioning my gender or sexuality?" In this episode, we dive into the fluidity of gender and sexuality in relationships with our special guest, Nicole Penrod (she/they). Nicole, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, dating coach, and couples counselor on our team at the Relationship Center, shares their expertise in navigating these deeply personal topics.

We begin by addressing the crucial question of when and how to disclose your queer or trans identity in dating scenarios. Nicole provides thoughtful insights into the factors to consider, emphasizing personal safety and authenticity. Whether you are settled in your identity or using dating as a space to explore, this episode offers guidance on approaching disclosure in a way that feels right for you.

Moving into established relationships, we discuss the importance of sharing shifts in your gender or sexual identity with your partner. Nicole highlights the necessity of open communication and the potential pros and cons of hiding such significant aspects of yourself. We explore strategies for discussing these changes, maintaining trust, and fostering an environment of mutual support and understanding in an intimate relationship.

Nicole also covers practical ways to explore your sexuality or gender within a relationship. From engaging with community resources and media to journaling exercises and considering ethical non-monogamy, they offer a variety of tools to help you navigate your journey.

By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to handle sensitive discussions when your gender or sexuality is in flux.  Nicole offers invaluable insights to help you develop the confidence to embrace your true self in your relationships.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:54 - Do I have to tell my date that I'm queer or trans?

26:34 - Should I tell my partner if I'm trans or queer?

43:21 - How do I explore my sexuality or gender in a relationship?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Gender Reveal podcast

Gender Stories podcast

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

Alok

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Are you and your partner fighting too much, Dear Listener? Chances are you’re not taking advantage of our #1 communication tool for contentious couples – I-Statements!

This episode delves into the power of using I-Statements (aka I-Messages) when communicating with your partner. We explore how I-Statements improve relationships by fostering open dialogue and compassion, while You-statements often lead to defensiveness and misunderstandings.

After reviewing the benefits of I-Statements, we share examples for couples that clearly show how to frame your communication around feelings and needs. By reviewing I-Statement vs You-Statement examples, you’ll learn how I-Statements encourage calm and empathetic communication.

Next, we give you the nitty gritty on how to use I-Statements in relationships.  We break down granular differences between I-Statements and You-Statements, such as specificity versus generalization, taking responsibility versus blaming, and focusing on feelings versus thoughts.  I-Statements promote understanding and collaboration in relationships, allowing room for multiple perspectives and validating both partners' experiences.  But that’s only if you use them correctly, so listen closely for the rules of I-Statements!

By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with practical insights and strategies that you can immediately apply to your relationship. This powerful communication tool will help you create a safer and more supportive space for dialogue, enabling you and your partner to enjoy more love and connection.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:42 - What are "I-Statements"?

05:49 - How can "I-Statements" improve communication?

12:15 - How do you properly formulate an "I-Statement"? And what’s the difference between “I-Statements” and “You-Statements?”

33:41 - What if I-Statements feel unnatural or forced?

38:16 - Are there times I-Statements aren't useful?

42:23 - What if my partner doesn't want to use I-Statements?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

I-Statements: A Therapist's #1 Communication Skill for Couples Who Fight Too Much

Feelings Chart

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Dear Listener, are you a sensitive, anxious man who struggles to feel confident while dating? You're not alone! In this episode, host and dating coach Josh Van Vliet shares his personal experience looking for love as a highly sensitive and, at times, insecure man. 

Spoiler alert: Josh is now happily married to his co-host, Jessica!

Jessica plumbs Josh’s dating experiences to answer the question, How do you date successfully when you're a deeply feeling, anxious man? 

Josh gets real about his experiences and struggles as a sensitive introvert who doesn’t fit society’s picture of a confident, James-Bond-like man.  He shares stories and strategies, including how proudly owning his temperament helped him find love.

Jessica and Josh also delve into dating while anxiously attached and how being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) affects relationships. They challenge the stigma and stereotypes and offer a fresh perspective on how sensitivity and anxiety can actually be superpowers in the dating world.

This episode is a treasure trove of personal anecdotes, expert insights, and practical tips for men who feel they're too sensitive for the dating scene.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

03:52 - What is anxious attachment and high sensitivity?

09:56 - What did your dating and relationship journey look like?

11:30 - How did your anxiety, attachment styles, and sensitivity show up in your dating experience?

15:22 - How did you work with your anxiety in dating?

37:04 - Asking someone out as an anxious, highly sensitive man

52:50 - How did you keep returning to dating?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Dr. Elaine Aaron’s website, including self assessment for high sensitivity

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. ― Nayyirah Waheed

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Jealous much, Dear Listener? Fret not! In today’s conversation with Julie Barr, MFT, we explore jealousy: what it is, whether it’s healthy, and what to do about it in intimate relationships.

You may wonder, What is the true root of jealousy? Julie investigates whether jealousy is a fleeting feeling or an ingrained trait and how it differs from envy. We discuss whether jealousy is a natural, inevitable emotion or a trauma response. To round out our exploration of jealousy’s causes, we explore its link to attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment.

Next, Julie shares practical tips for addressing jealousy in romantic relationships, whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous partnership.  We delve into compersion, a concept from ethical non-monogamy that can benefit people of all relationship structures. Along the way, we take some fun tangents into boundaries vs. control (hello, Jonah Hill!), how metamours are like axe throwing, and what to do if your partner wants to spend time with an ex.

Our guest, Julie Barr, MFT, is a skilled therapist, dating coach, and couples counselor with over 30+ years of experience. She specializes in working with queer, kinky, and non-monogamous individuals, couples, and polycules.  Learn more about Julie and schedule a free consultation at relationshipcenter.com/about-julie-barr.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:34 - What is jealousy?

20:23 - Can jealousy be healthy in a relationship?

39:20 - What is compersion?

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Dear Listener, do negative thoughts about your body or your partner’s body stop you from building a satisfying love life?

If so, you won’t want to miss our conversation with special guest Jessi Kneeland, a renowned body image coach, author of Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues, and host of the podcast This Is (Not) About Your Body.

This illuminating discussion explores how rigid beauty standards sabotage romantic relationships.

First, we tackle the common phenomenon of avoiding dating entirely due to negative body image and how body neutrality can help.

Next, Jessi provides thoughtful insights on a taboo topic – physical dealbreakers in dating.  They discuss ways to suss out true dealbreakers versus those rooted in rigid beauty standards and psychological defenses. We discuss how prioritizing certain physical traits can significantly narrow one's dating pool,  the implications of such choices, and what to do about it.

Lastly, Jessi offers advice for couples in which one partner reports reduced attraction in response to their partner’s appearance changing, e.g., after gaining weight or aging. Jessi offers a surprising take on how to unpack these complex emotional terrains so that couples can maintain attraction over the long haul.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:42 - What is body neutrality and why is it important?

06:49 - How do you date with body image issues?

23:06 - “I feel badly about this, but I’m just not attracted to people who…”

41:05 - What would you say to couples where one partner “loses attraction” because their partner’s body has changed?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Connect with Jessi Kneeland

https://www.jessikneeland.com/

Instagram: @jessikneeland

Tiktok: @jessikneeland

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/JessiKneeland

Jessi’s podcast: This is (Not) About Your Body

Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues by Jessi Kneeland

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Dear Listener, are you navigating a breakup in the New Year? You’re not alone -- the holidays are hard on relationships. Some researchers and experts have even deemed December 11th “Breakup Day” because it sees the most relationship endings.

That’s why we’re kicking the year off with "Breakups: Navigating Endings Gracefully & Healing." Psychotherapist and breakup guru Laia Pedreño Mateu offers compassionate insights about how to break up kindly and heal from heartbreak.

In this heart-to-heart conversation, we delve into how to part ways with sensitivity and respect, addressing the daunting question: How do you break up with someone thoughtfully? Laia shares her expert advice on handling the immediate aftermath and the natural feelings of abandonment that may follow. We explore practical steps and mindset shifts crucial for healing and moving forward from a breakup.

Discover how to respond well when someone breaks up with you, turning a period of pain into one of growth and self-discovery. We wrap up with empowering strategies to rebuild your sense of self and emerge from a breakup stronger and more resilient.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:53 - How do you break up with someone?

24:04 - How do you respond well when someone breaks up with you?

34:33 - How do you heal from a breakup?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

About Laia: https://relationshipcenter.com/about-laia-pedreno-mateu

Ep. 7 - Stay or go? How to know whether to break up or commit to your relationship

I-Statements blog post

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Mend app

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready. ― Nayyirah Waheed

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Hey there, Dear Listener! Ready for the third and final chapter in our online dating series? This episode is brimming with all you need to know about filters, messaging, flirtation, and online dating etiquette.

Wondering what filters to set on your dating app? Josh does a deep dive into how you can use filters to get higher-quality matches, including pointers on how to set filters for age and distance. We also touch on whether paying for online dating premium features, such as the ability to set filters, is worthwhile.

If you’re uncertain who to swipe right on, Jessica offers five great strategies.  Next, Josh reviews what to do once you’ve matched with someone – message!  We talk about crafting a compelling first message that gives you the best chance of getting off the app and onto a date, including practical tips for flirting and getting past small talk.

We answer common questions about online dating timing, such as how long to message before requesting a date and timeframes for responding to messages. Plus, we’re chatting about juggling convos – how many people should you talk to at once on a dating app?

Lastly, Jessica reviews the essentials of online dating etiquette, such as how to gently let someone down, the best ways to cancel a date, and how many messages to send if you don’t get a response from a match.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:28 - What filters should I set on my online dating apps?

07:40 - Is it worth paying for dating apps?

10:03 - What strategy should I use to swipe?

15:08 - What do you say when sending a message in online dating?

24:00 - How long should I message before meeting with someone in person?

26:17 - What is a reasonable response time for messaging on a dating app?

30:01 - How do people flirt on dating apps?

36:29 - What is proper etiquette for online dating?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Ep. 3 - How to flirt like a feminist

Dateable podcast

Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

We answer a listener's question: Does age matter in a relationship? 

If you’ve ever wondered, How much of an age gap is OK?, tune in to hear:

• Age Gap Realities: We review the research, unpacking trends in happiness and commitment in age-discrepant relationships. Listen to hear science’s mixed answer to the question, Can couples with large age gaps last? 
• Beyond Years: We explore how age-gap couples relationships can thrive by focusing on shared values, speaking honestly about their goals, and planning for inevitable life stage differences.

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

May-December paradoxes: An exploration of age-gap relationships in Western society.

Globally, women are younger than their male partners, more likely to age alone

The marital satisfaction of differently aged couples

A Review of the Factors Associated with Marital Satisfaction

‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration

Got a burning dating or relationship question for us? Call 415-573-0164 to leave us a voicemail! Alternatively, you can record an audio note on your phone and text it to that number, or email us at [email protected]. We may answer your question on an upcoming episode of the pod!

Dear Listener, if you’re ready to take the plunge into online dating, chances are you’re wondering, What should I write in my dating profile?  And what is a good online dating photo?

We get into the nitty-gritty of perfecting your online dating profile and photos in this episode, which is the second of our three-part online dating series!

With lots of specific examples sprinkled throughout, we cover:

• Profiles that Pop: Jessica reviews the three things you should include in your dating profile, plus pro tips on how to write effectively so you stand out from the crowd.
• Photo Perfection (and Pitfalls): Josh gives a rundown of what makes a good online dating photo, how to take good pictures (with or without a professional photographer!), and pic pitfalls, including what you should definitely not do in a dating profile picture.
• Honesty Policy: Jessica delves into how honest you should be on dating apps about dealbreakers, flaws, and other sensitive disclosures such as STI status, mental health struggles, neurodivergence, and limited relationship experience.
• Audio or Video?: Should you use audio or video prompts in your online dating profile? Let's explore how these can help you stand out from the crowd and build a deep relationship quickly – but only if it’s done well!

The first episode of this series looked at whether online dating is worthwhile, which apps to choose, how to stay safe when online dating, how to improve matches, and how much time to spend on dating apps.  You can find that episode here: Ep. 14 - Online Dating 101: Choosing the Right Apps and Boosting Matches

And stay tuned for the third and final installment of this series, which will dig into online dating messaging, swiping, filters, and etiquette!

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:35 - What should I write in my dating profile?

38:41 - What pictures should I use on my dating profile?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page

Match’s Singles in America study

The dos and don'ts of Hinge audio notes

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures

Attachment as a predictor of attraction to humor styles

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Dear Listener, are you diving into the online dating world and wondering, What are the odds of dating apps working?

According to a 2019 Pew Research study:

• 23% of US singles find themselves a date online.
• A promising 10% report that they found a long-term partner online.

In addition, a 2017 Stanford University survey found that 39% of heterosexual singles met via online dating, up from just 2% in 1995!

Is it worth it to date online? It really depends, so listen now to hear our nuanced breakdown of the pros and cons.

Let’s assume you’re ready to plunge into online dating and wonder, Which apps should I be on? We explore your options, including:

• Swipe-based apps like Tinder and Hinge.
• Algorithm-based sites such as Match.com and eHarmony

We give you the low-down on why you might opt for one type of app over the other, which are the most popular, and whether niche dating apps are worthwhile.

Jes addresses a common question for our dear male listeners: Are there any dating apps that work for guys? Spoiler: The answer is more about how you engage on the app than on the app’s demographics.

We address how many dating apps you should use at a time and how much time to spend on dating apps.

Are you already on the apps and not getting matches? We offer high-level tips on how to get more and better matches.  We’ll dive into more depth on profile, picture, swiping, and messaging tips in the next episode of this series.

Lastly, we address a concern that we often hear from older singles – how to stay safe and avoid getting scammed or catfished when online dating.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:30 - What are the odd of dating apps actually working?

05:55 - Is it worth it to date online?

12:51 - Which apps should I be on?

19:04 - How many dating apps should I use at a time?

21:59 - Are there any dating apps that actually work for guys?

23:34 - Why am I not getting matches and how do I get better matches?

32:16 - What can I do to avoid getting duped/catfished/scammed in online dating?

38:34 - How much time should you spend on online dating?

45:32 - Summary

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Pew Research - From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S.

Disintermediating your friends: How Online Dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout

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