I Love You, Too

Dating and rarely finding that elusive spark? This episode is for you!

We begin by exploring the mystifying concept of a "spark." What does it mean to feel a "spark," Dear Listener, and is it a prerequisite in the early stages of dating?

Next, we discuss whether it’s okay not to feel an instant connection and whether attraction and a spark are synonymous. Is it possible to be attracted to someone yet not feel that instantaneous spark?

As we venture further, we dive deep into all the reasons you might wonder, "Why am I not feeling a spark with anyone?" From the Sex & the City Fallacy to asexuality, avoidant attachment, and unrealistic standards, we touch on seven common spark stoppers.

You’ll walk away with compassionate pointers about navigating times when the spark seems to be missing more often than not.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:29 - What is a spark?

10:31 - 1. The “Sex and the City” fallacy

18:19 - 2. Asexuality

23:32 - 3. Dating Anxiety

29:30 - 4. Unrealistic standards

35:51 - 5. Avoidant attachment

42:10 - 6. An ineffective dating strategy

50:31 - 7. The context is a turn-off

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Diane Poole Heller’s attachment styles assessment

Ep. 9 - Surprising Truths about Attachment Styles

Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Love our show? We love you, too! Stay in touch between episodes by signing up for our newsletter at relationshipcenter.com/newsletter

Dear Listener, if you’ve ever felt blindsided by your strong reactions to dating or confused by how the singles in the dating pool behave, this episode is for you!

We delve into the hidden impact of trauma on relationships. And if you’re thinking, "Trauma? Not me!" you might be surprised to learn that some experts estimate that 70% of adults experience a significant trauma in their lifetime.

During this episode, we break down some common misconceptions about trauma and give specific examples of how unresolved trauma impacts dating and relationships.

Opening your heart again after a trauma can be scary and overwhelming; we offer concrete guidance about reentering the dating world, one brave baby step at a time.

Last, we offer practical advice about how to date well while healing from trauma, including the common pitfalls to avoid.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

04:42 - Trauma may not be what you think it is

09:52 - How does trauma affect dating?

25:26 - How do I start dating after trauma?

35:00 - Common mistakes when dating after trauma

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?

Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience

Ep. 1 - You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Exposure Therapy: An Evidence-Based Treatment For Social Anxiety And Dating Anxiety

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the second of this two-part series, we continue exploring how to improve your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss actionable tools for shifting from an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style to a secure style.

If you haven’t yet, make sure to listen to Part 1 of this series first. That’ll make this episode make a lot more sense 🙂.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:25 - Develop secure functioning skills

13:33 - Develop a coherent self-narrative

18:40 - Befriend your nervous system

20:53 - Practice mindfulness

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 10 - How to develop secure attachment - Part 1

Befriending Your Nervous System by Deb Dana

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Headspace

The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

Thich Nhat Hanh

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

If you struggle to feel at ease in your relationships, you may be struggling with an insecure attachment style. In the first of this 2-part series, we explore the ins and outs of improving your relationships by developing a more secure attachment style. We discuss how long it takes for an insecurely attached person to become more secure and offer actionable tools for healing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized style.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:49 - What is secure attachment and why is it important?

07:56 - Can an insecurely attached person become securely attached?

11:36 - How do I go from an anxious/avoidant/insecure style to a secure style?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 9: 7 surprising truths about attachment theory

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.

Platonic by Marisa Franco

Secure attachment playlist

Positive Words from Mom

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

"What's your attachment style?" has become a common first date or dinner party question. And for good reason — we can build better relationships when we understand our own tendencies in relationships.

But did you know that there are a number of attachment theory myths circulating that might be holding you back from finding love and companionship?

Today we explore which attachment styles are healthy, whether it's possible to have more than one style, whether/how you can change your style, and how understanding attachment theory isn't a panacea for all relationship issues.

P.S. Make sure to listen all the way through to hear Josh and Jessica awkwardly singing about attachment.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:54 - Myth #1: Your attachment styles developed as a result of early childhood experiences.

05:14 - Myth #2: Your attachment style is fixed.

09:28 - Myth #3: Insecure attachment is unhealthy or bad.

14:49 - Myth #4: You're just one style.

29:15 - Myth #5: If you’re insecurely attached, you can’t build secure relationships (unless you find securely attached people).

33:44 - Myth #6: In order to build a secure relationship, you have to develop secure attachment first.

36:22 - Myth #7: Attachment theory explains everything.

39:34 - Bonus Myth and final thoughts

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Styles Test

Wired for Love: A book by Stan Tatkin that explores how attachment theory can inform and improve romantic relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love: a book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller on adult attachment styles and how they impact relationships.

Beyond the Valentine Chocolates and Roses: Creating a Long-Lasting Relationship

The Ten Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

You asked, we answered! This episode features your burning questions about how to build harmonious long-term relationships. We start out with tips for developing secure attachment, including ways to soothe yourself and a partner during an anxious attachment flare. We also explore ways to get unstuck when one partner’s core wounds get triggered regularly, including fair fighting rules and communication tools that foster a peaceful relationship.

Want to win a virtual tea date with Josh and Jessica? Screenshot your Apple podcast review and send it to us at [email protected] by May 9th, 2023. We’ll choose one winner at random for an hour-long virtual chat where you can pick our brains, ask us questions, or just hang out.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:52 - How to support yourself and people you are dating with anxious attachment

28:38 - Core wounds in relationships

42:15 - Fair fighting tools for harmonious, mutually supportive relationships

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Mindful Self-Compassion

Inner Bonding

Getting the Love you Want, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

Possible Fair Fighting Rules to consider for your relationship

I-Statements blog post

Couples Dialogue, a communication tool for better understanding and empathizing with your partner, from Imago Works

4 Horsemen Antidotes, strategies for addressing negative communication patterns in relationships, from the Gottman Institute

Ep. 5 - How to avoid online dating burnout

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Are you at a crossroads in your relationship? If you’re questioning whether it’s time to breakup with or further commit to your partner, today’s episode is for you. We review the signs that a relationship is healthy (or not!), including how much conflict is too much. We also discuss how and when to bring up concerns to your partner along with actionable tools you can use to clarify whether it’s time to stay or go.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

03:44 - What are the signs that a relationship is healthy or unhealthy?

10:47 - How much conflict is too much in a relationship?

22:37 - At what point do I bring up concerns I have in a relationship? How should I bring them up?

31:36 - What are some approaches that can help me decide whether to break up or commit to my relationship?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

If you’re in imminent physical, emotional, or sexual danger in your relationship, get out safely. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7.

Warmlines - free peer-run listening line staffed by people in mental health recovery themselves

One Love Foundation has excellent resources for determining whether a relationship is healthy or not (see their list of 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships) and for safely planning a breakup.

Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships by Sheva Rajaee

Episode: What to look for in a long term partner

The Gottman Institute

Stan Tatkin's books

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

Deeper Dating, by Ken Page

Antidotes to The Four Horseman

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

We’re comin’ atcha today with a Love Note, a mini-episode where we tackle one quick question. Today’s topic: my date didn’t ask me any questions on the first date. Should I go on a second date? The answer may surprise you…

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Ever wondered why online dating is so exhausting? If dating apps are making you depressed, join us for today’s episode. You’ll learn why nearly 80% of people report feeling emotionally fatigued when dating online and gain actionable strategies for how to avoid online dating burnout. We’ll also share key mindsets that will enable you to weather the ups and downs of dating so that you can find lasting love.

Our guest today is Laia Pedreño Mateu, dating coach, psychotherapist, and resident Shame Slayer at the Relationship Center. In addition to helping trauma survivors and highly sensitive people overcome anxiety, Laia’s obsessed with science fiction, group therapy, and singing 80s tunes to her golden doodle, Lucy.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

03:00 - What is dating burnout?

06:17 - Why is online dating so exhausting?

16:50 - What do we do about it?

30:34 - Why is mindset important in online dating?

39:50 - What mindsets help prevent dating burnout?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Emotional Fatigue and Burnout in Online Dating – Data Study

‘A Decade of Fruitless Searching’: The Toll of Dating App Burnout - NY Times

Platonic by Marisa Franco

The Acceptance Prophecy: How You Control Who Likes You

Do You Believe in Relationship Magic? by David J Bredehoft Ph.D.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke

Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partner

Ep. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lasts

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

We want to hear from you! Send us your thoughts, questions, and feedback to [email protected]

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

Do your relationships tend to develop at a romantic comedy pace, only to get messy fast and fall apart dramatically? If you’ve struggled to find sustainable, lasting love, then this episode is for you. Learn about common pacing pitfalls that prevent couples from building stable partnerships, including red flags such as love bombing, how pacing can help you work skillfully with the “addiction” of love, and what to do when your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:15 - What is pacing in dating? And why should we care?

19:00 - How can we pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?

36:20 - What are signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?

49:50 - What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Episode 1: You aren’t crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)

Episode 2: What to look for in a long-term partner

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD, Doug Abrams,  and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.

Natalie Lue’s blog Baggage Reclaim

Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com