Interior Integration for Catholics

Episode 18:  Grief vs. Depression

Grief:

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   

Ok, so I know we’re now into some really heavy, difficult times in our country and in our world.  There’s lots of things going on – we have the pandemic, we have partial lockdowns and closures, we have major unemployment issues, nearly half of small businesses are in danger of shutting down permanently.  We have escalating tensions with Xi Jinping’s government in China and the possibility of the cold war with China turning hot.   We now have riots and looting over the tragic death of George Floyd while under arrest by a Minneapolis police officer, we have very flawed and contentious politicians battling with each other in petty ways in an election year, we have growing revelations of corruption by current and former government officials and bureaucrats. There is a growing lack of confidence in our government, our news media and in our secular and religious institutions.  

None of these factors changes the basic Gospel message.  None of them.  None of them can keep us from psychological and spiritual growth, unless we let ourselves be kept down.  We need to rise up, we need to go beyond mere resiliency, to become even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  

I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 18, entitled “Grief vs. Depression” released on June 1, 2020. 

Today, we’re going to really dive into the difference between grief and depression, and to illustrate the difference between grief and depression, we’ll be looking at five people from the Scriptures.

First, though, I want to offer a big Thank you to all the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem community members who came to our first ever Zoom meeting last Friday evening.  We had a great conversation on unacknowledged or hidden grief.  It was very good for us to get to know each other better and for us to connect and to be in relationship with one another.  Thank you for praying for me, and know that I am praying for you.  

So some of you may be asking, Dr. Peter, why, why is it important to know the difference between grief and depression – both of them feel bad, and we want to feel better.  So why bother with the difference?  

Normal Grief

Waves or intense pages of painful emotion associated with the loss, which gradually soften and diminish over time. 
Emptiness and loss – something is missing -- but also there are moments of happiness, joy.   
Self-esteem generally remains intact.  If there is self-criticism, it tends to be focused on perceived shortcomings about the loss (I should have visited my Mom more often before she died, I should have told her I loved her).
Relational connections remain intact.  Able to give and receive in relationships, and can be consoled.  
Ruminating on what or who was lost; Hope remains.  Since of life going on.  
Thoughts of death and dying focused on the lost person and perhaps reconnecting  with the loved one in heaven.  Some loss of desire to live on, but not overt wishes or impulses toward suicide. 
Distress, sadness activated by memories or reminders of the loss.   

Clinical Depression 

Sadness, distress experienced continually over time
Ongoing depressed mood with anhedonia – unable to enjoy good things
Feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, with self-criticism.  Critical toward self, feelings of worthlessness, and self-loathing.  This is much more general.  May involve significant shame.  
Emotional withdrawal from others – perhaps with avoidance.  Could be a physical withdrawal as well.  Difficulty being consoled
Self-critical or pessimistic thoughts; tendency toward a loss of hope.  
Suicidal thoughts related to feelings of being unworthy of life, or of not wanting to live anymore.  Suicide considered an escape from unbearable pain with no other answers.  
Depressed mood is not tied to specific thoughts or preoccupations

Let's flesh this out with examples of grief vs. clinical depression from Scripture:

Abraham’s Grief

Genesis 23: Sarah’s Death and Burial

23 Sarah lived one hundred twenty-seven years; this was the length of Sarah’s life. 2 And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. 3 Abraham rose up from beside his dead, and said to the Hittites, 4 “I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”

David is one of the most expressive men in the Bible.  

David’s Grief:

2 Samuel 1

Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely!
     In life and in death they were not divided;
 they were swifter than eagles,
     they were stronger than lions.

24 O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,
     who clothed you with crimson, in luxury,
     who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.

25 How the mighty have fallen
     in the midst of the battle!

Jonathan lies slain upon your high places.
 26     I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
 greatly beloved were you to me;
     your love to me was wonderful,

David’s Depression

Psalm 38

O Lord, rebuke me not in thy anger,
     nor chasten me in thy wrath!
 2 For thy arrows have sunk into me,
     and thy hand has come down on me.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh
     because of thy indignation;
 there is no health in my bones
     because of my sin.
 4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
     they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.

5 My wounds grow foul and fester
     because of my foolishness,
 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
     all the day I go about mourning.
 7 For my loins are filled with burning,
     and there is no soundness in my flesh.
 8 I am utterly spent and crushed;
     I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

13 But I am like a deaf man, I do not hear,
     like a dumb man who does not open his mouth.
 14 Yea, I am like a man who does not hear,
     and in whose mouth are no rebukes..

21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!
     O my God, be not far from me!
 22 Make haste to help me,
     O Lord, my salvation!

Elijah

Elijah God’s judgments and warnings to several Israelite kings, including the despotic Ahab and his formidable  wife, Jezebel.. 

Here, Elijah had a great victory over 450 of Baal's prophets on Mt. Carmel, however, he remained fearful of Jezebel's revenge.  He proved not only the power of...

Episode 17:  Loss, Grief, Mourning and Resilience – How do They Go Together?

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 17, released on May 25, 2020 entitled Loss, Grief, Mourning and Resilience – How do They Go Together?

Some of you have been in touch with me and asked for work on Grief, which we touched on in Episode 3 with the loss of the sacraments in the lockdown.  There’s been conversation about grief on the discussion boards in the Resilient Catholic: Carpe Diem Community space in Souls and Hearts, and now we are going to dive deep into this whole area of grief.  We are going to do two podcast episodes on grief and the coronavirus, and I will be doing one Zoom meeting for our members.  Seating is very limited for that, I’m only taking on 12 for that meeting at 7:30 PM eastern time on Friday, May 29, I saw one or maybe two open seats left, so check that out at Souls and Hearts.  Joining the community is free for the first 30 days, so come check it out at Souls and Hearts.com.  

Our thinking can be heavily impacted when we are experience intense emotions, so let’s really get some clarity, let’s shine some light on things now.  The first thing, really quickly, is to define a few terms around grief, loss, and mourning. Let’s get our vocabulary straight, because that really helps our thinking.   

We’re going to start with the concept of loss, loss – and that’s because loss comes before grief.  Loss always comes before grief.  Loss precedes grief.  So we’re going in order here, and starting with loss.  

There are two kinds of loss:  Actual Loss and what I call the Loss of Potential.  Actual loss and the loss of potential.    

Actual loss is the loss of a real, tangible good.  Something good is taken from us.  It could be death of a loved one, when we lose the relationship, with its intimacy, connection, the love.  It can also mean the actual loss of some part of us – our sense of hearing for example, or the 

Loss of Potential –  this is the loss of possibilities that we hoped for – something anticipated in the future.   a wedding that will never happen, children that will never be born, a promotion that will not come now, etc.  It also includes words that were never said, words that were never heard, stories that will never be finished.   Grieving at a funeral of family members – not of the actual loss of the abusive, alcoholic, philandering husband – not for the loss of the actual person.  But for the symbolic loss – no longer married, no longer the possibility of living happily ever after.  

Grief is our individual experience of loss – so remember, the loss is the good we no longer have. Grief is our reaction to the loss.  It’s our experience of the loss.  And that experience is emotional – sadness, anxiety, irritability we may feel mood swings -- or we may feel nothing apathy

Psychological – disbelief, impaired concentration and attention, flashbacks, ruminations, going over and over some memory of the person.   

Grief is also physical – for example when the tears flow, have intense fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping.   Grief is also expressed through behavior – the heavy sigh, when put our hands to our heads and groan or when we withdraw and sit alone in a dark room.   

The experience of grief varies a lot from person to person, situation to situation.  It can be painful, sometime exquisitely painful, horrendously painful, it may seem intolerable.  Sometimes it’s much more quiet.  It may also be bittersweet, or even have a sense of peace in it, such as when a loved one suffering from a terminal illness dies well.  There are different kinds of grief, and we’re going to get into that later in this podcast, but for now, let’s understand that grief is our individual experience of loss.  

And with grief comes mourning.  

Mourning is a public expression of our grief, it’s what we show to others.  Mourning is how we show our grief.  How we share our grief with others.  How we connect in grief.  Some of this is conditioned by our culture – 3 rifle volleys salutes for deceased veterans, funerals, eulogies, the chicken dinner in the parish hall after the Mass, tossing a handful of dirt on the grave.  

Review the above: 

            Actual Loss

            Loss of potential 

            Grief

            Mourning

So how can we really solidify our understanding of these definitions?  How can we make these concepts come alive?  Hmmm.  Let me think.  [Ding]  I’ve got it!  How about a story, to make all this come together for us?  I think that’s a great idea.  So it’s story time with Dr. Peter.  

Story Time:

Richard and Susan (not an actual case).  We’re going back in time 20 years, back to the early 2000s.  At that point, Richard and Susan had been married for eight years.  He was an engineer with an excellent job, highly successful and creative at work.  He really loved their three young sons, aged seven, five and three.  Susan was a professional translator in Spanish and Italian.   She had travelled and lived abroad before her marriage at age 32.  They had met through mutual friends, and both were nominally Catholic, attended Mass on Sundays and their sons were baptized, but it was not a central part of their lives.  Richard was somewhat emotionally reserved and kind of introverted didn’t talk a lot about feelings, and had always been into racing go-karts.  Now he was getting the oldest son into the hobby in a mini go kart and really enjoying that together. Susan was more extroverted, and maintained a lot of connections with her professional women friends, many of whom were younger than her and unmarried and still living in Italy and Spain. 

Susan really wanted a daughter, and had been going through some recent fertility issues, there were medical complication.  Richard felt he had enough kids, at least in his opinion.  But at age 40, after a deepening of her prayer life – she began to take her faith more seriously -- she conceived again, and the ultrasound indicated the baby was a girl.  She was so excited, and at 22 weeks everything was going well.  And then complications with the placenta started, and by 24 weeks the baby had died.  Susan miscarried her baby daughter and because of medical complications, also wound up with a hysterectomy.  

All right. So we have the story or at least the beginning of the story.  Let’s work with the story.

So what was the actual loss – remember the actual loss...

Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem

Episode 16:  Who Am I, Really?  Identity and Resiliency

May 18, 2020

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 16, released on May 18, 2020 entitled Who Am I, Really?  Identity and Resiliency

In the last episode, we discussed the main sign of psychological health.  I asked you to send in your thoughts about what is that main sign.  In the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem community space at Souls and Hearts, which we launched a week ago, I was having a great exchange with Kathleen which spurred me on to some further consideration about integration, resiliency and especially identity.  Really want to thank you, Kathleen.  

Alright, I want to take you back with, way back to the beginning human history, come on with me to Genesis 3.  We’re picking it up in the middle of the story.  Adam and Eve have fallen to Satan’s temptation and eaten the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Let’s listen to the story but be thinking about the theme of identity – Who Adam and Eve were, and how they saw themselves.  That’s what I want you to keep in mind.  So put your listening ears on, and get ready -- It’s story time with Dr. Peter.

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons.  And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of thee in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

Here we see a radical shift in both who Adam and Eve really were – they had been in a state of grace and now they have fallen into sin.  Also, though, you have a radical shift in how Adam and Eve see themselves.  They hear God walking in the garden, gently calling out to them – and God, being all know, He knew exactly where they were.  In his gentleness, in His consideration for them, he didn’t want to startle them or disconcert them any more than they already were.  He was calling out to let them know He was coming. 

And their response – to be afraid, to hide from him.  Their identities were devastated.  Think about what just happened.  

Very difficult to underestimate the catastrophic psychological effects of the fall.  We get the physical effects of the fall, the effects of the fall on our bodies -- 

Subjective identity includes the experiences (and how we recall those experiences), the close relationships, and values that come together to form one’s subjective sense of self.  You might say subjective identity is who we feel ourselves to be, in the given moment.  For some that sense of identity is more consistent and stable, and for others, it may vary more from day to day.  

Conscious Subjective Identity  Who we profess ourselves to be.

Unconscious Subjective Identity – Parts of us that hold assumptions about us that are not available in conscious awareness.  There are moments when these unconscious assumptions break into conscious awareness – particularly when we are stressed, tired, overwhelmed.  These moments are when our regular defenses open up and some of what we keep out of awareness starts bubbling up.  

Example: Remember the Boasting Traveler from Aesop’s fable in the last episode  -  episode 15- you know, the one how bragged about how he made the most prodigious leap in the city of Rhodes?  That traveler was troubled with narcissism – deep sense of sense of inferiority, weakness, shame, and inadequacy.  These were not in conscious awareness – but those unconscious beliefs existed and they influenced and motivated his behavior to try to impress others.  But then the bystander punctured his puffed up presentation – challenged his boast and may have deflated him, brought him into contact with his own inadequacy, both real and felt.  

Another example of unconscious subjective assumptions about ourselves. Let’s look at  dependency.  Dependent people may not be in touch with their deep unconscious beliefs that they will only have their needs met if they are subordinated to more powerful others – they need the powerful other person to make them whole or complete.  

Every personality style every personality disorder has implications for our conscious and unconscious assessments of ourselves.  In a word, every personality style reflects assumptions about our identity.

So let’s break this concept of identity down into a more fine-grained analysis.  Come on with me as we go deeper into this.  

Objective identity is who we actually are.  How God knows us to be.  The reality of who we are.  This doesn’t depend at all on our opinion of ourselves.  This isn’t as much in fashion these days, the concept of objective reality.  Divine revelation, which doesn’t care much about current fads and fashions in secular psychology, though, Divine revelation teaches us a lot about who we are as human beings – objective reality from the One who is Truth.  

Subjectivism is the doctrine that "our own mental activity is the only unquestionable fact of our experience", instead of shared or communal, and that there is no external or objective truth.  My truth.  You have your truth and I have my truth.  And there is no objective truth.  

But reality has a way of hanging around – even in secular psychology.  So we still have the concepts of delusions and hallucinations—characteristic of departing from reality, breaking with reality.  

So those three elements – 

1.      Who we really are in the mind of God (objective reality)

2.      Who we profess ourselves to be

3.      What we unconsciously assume ourselves to be

Relate these back to Adam and Eve

Triangle of Pathology – 1:  who we really on in God’s eyes  2: Who we believe ourselves to be in our conscious awareness – this is who we profess ourselves to be – “I am a beloved child of God”.  3: The unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves those that are outside of conscious awareness, but that still impact us.  

When those three points come together into a single point, we are grounded in reality.  The size and the shape of the triangle tell us something about how well adjusted we are.  

Exercise – go back and remember how you thought about yourself wh...

 
Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem

Episode 15:  The Main Sign of Psychological Health

May 11, 2020

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resiliency, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 15, released on May 11, 2020 entitled The Main Sign of Psychological Health.

In the previous 11 episodes, we have described and discussed the four pillars of resilience:  Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset and Soulset.  Now, we are getting to the really fascinating exploration of how these four pillars interact.  We’re diving into our internal psychological lives to see how our psychological strengths and weaknesses impact our resiliency but also how they affect our spiritual lives.  Because as a Catholic psychologist, I’m really focused on how psychological factors, our psychological structures, our psychological functioning, our entire psychological lives impact how we accept love from God and how we love God in return.  It all boils down to that.  If what I do as Catholic psychologist doesn’t at least help others to accept God’s love and to love God in return – then I am missing the point of the greatest commandment.  

So what is the main sign of psychological health?  What is it?  Take a minute and consider it.  What do you think the main distinguishing characteristic of mental health is?  Let’s struggle with this a bit.  In fact, some of you gutsier types might even be willing to stop this podcast for a few minutes and write down your ideas before you listen further.  Write them down, email them to me at [email protected] or text them to me at 317.567.9594 – let me know before you continue on.  Let me know what you are thinking!  I want to hear from you.  The answer to the question of what is the main sign of psychological health may not be what you think.  Let’s explore this together  

I promise that I will tell you what this central, essential psychological characteristic is.  Not only that, today, I’m going to go over with you the disadvantages of not having that essential quality.  I’m also going to give you a bunch of examples of why this particular quality matters so much and I’m also going to give you some guidance in how to overcome the deficits you have in that area.  All today, all for you.  So hang in there with me.   

We are going to start with a story, with a fable by Aesop which will help to illustrate the point.  I really want this to stick with you.  So it’s storytime with Dr. Peter.  

A man who had traveled in foreign lands boasted very much, on returning to his own country, of the many wonderful and heroic feats he had performed in the different places he had visited.  Among other tales, he told his listeners that when he was at Rhodes, he had leaped to such a distance that no man of his day could leap anywhere near him as to that.  The traveler claimed there were in Rhodes many persons who saw his prodigious leap, and he could call them in as his witnesses.  The traveler firmly believed his own tale and was adamant about his abilities, and was convincing many of his listeners.  One bystander, though, interrupted him, and said:  "Now, my good man, if this be all true we have no need of witnesses in Rhodes.  Let’s pretend that we are in Rhodes.  Let us see you leap!  Jump for us!"

What kind of personality does the boasting traveler demonstrate in this little vignette?   What do you think?  Dependent, Schizoid, Obsessive, Paranoid, Self-defeating, hysterical, psychopathic, narcissistic, depressive, dissociative --  what do you think.  

One might argue that you can’t definitively assign a personality style to an imagined character – Oh, but I can.  And I am going to do it, right now.  

I see this character, the boasting traveler as narcissistic.  Many of you may have guessed that.  People with narcissistic styles work hard to maintain a very fragile sense of self-worth by getting affirmation from outside themselves.  Something very important is missing – they don’t have deep sense of essential goodness – that they are good because they exist and are made in the image and likeness of God.  At a deep level, often in their unconscious, they feel loveless and fraudulent and are very frightened of their inner sense of inferiority, weakness, shame, and inadequacy.  They work really hard to keep this out of awareness by focusing on the admiration and complements of others.  But their efforts so often backfire and they wind up exactly where they don’t want to be – exposed, ashamed, rejected, despised, alienated from others – like the boasting traveler in the vignette.  

Whenever there is psychological disorder, there are disconnects in the internal working of the person. In the case of the traveler, with his narcissism, his idealized image of himself as a great jumper is disconnected from his actual ability.  He is also disconnected from his deep needs and his deep desires, which are buried in his unconscious.  So where there is psychological disorder and distress there are disconnects from reality, internal psychological elements are no longer interconnected, they are split off and fractured, and we break down.  

We all have what I call gut-level or intuitive of what it means to be psychological healthy.   You hear this in casual language.   When we describe in casual language someone who is nosediving in his psychological functioning, we say that “He is breaking down.”  “He is falling apart.”  He is losing it.  

On the other hand, Someone we see as psychologically well-adjusted – we say that person has got it all together.  He has his act together.  He has all his ducks in a row.  

This brings us back to the question:  What is the main sign of psychological health?  The main sign of psychological health is

Integration.  The main sign of psychological health is internal integration.  Integration.   Having it all together.

So let’s go deeper into that – what does being integrated look like?    It means accepting things in us that we might not like.  We’re not endorsing them or embracing them, but we accept that they exists in us.

  
 Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our emotions, even the ones we don’t like.

               For example anger and hatred.  Anger at our parents, our spouses, our children, our God.  Or deep disappointment.  Knowing our heartset.  

Being integrated means that you are aware and accept our thoughts, even the ones we don’t like.

               Not dwelling on them.  Knowin...

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Episode 14:  Soulset:  The core of us

May 4, 2020

Screwtape letters:  From the experienced demon Screwtape to his nephew Wormwood – Screwtape is teaching Wormwood the ins and outs of tempting men, trying to drag their souls to hell.  When Screwtape refers to the Enemy he means God.  

“Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Cue music

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me. 

Soul CCC: The spiritual principle of human beings. The soul is the subject of human consciousness and freedom; soul and body together form one unique human nature. Each human soul is individual and immortal, immediately created by God. 

Soulset.  Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul, how we orient our governing spiritual principle.  Soulset is the core of a man or woman or child. It can and does operate independently of mindset and heartset, both of which are bound up in the body.  Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us.  

Consider the man that Screwtape was describing.  A man who has lost his desire for God, who experiences God as vanished, gone, who feels forsaken, alone.  Heartset.  Mindset.  Bodyset curling up.  

But he still intends to do the will of God.  In spite of all that his wounded, heart is telling him, all that his confused mind is telling him, all that his aching body is telling him, he still – that man still intends to do the will of God.  That is an admirable man.

The way I’m describing soulset includes our conscience, 

The council's Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World (Gaudium et Spes) defines conscience "as man's most secret core, and his sanctuary. There he is alone with God, whose voice echoes in his depths. By conscience, in a wonderful way, that law is made known which is fulfilled in the love of God and one's neighbor" (16).  

And I love the idealism and I believe every word of this definition.  It was extremely helpful to me when I was experiencing an existential crisis at age 22.  This paragraph was precious to me, in its idealism and its beauty and the way it shows the dignity of men and women and children.  

But.  Here’s the But.  but I’m a psychologist, I work with people in messy, painful situations with raw emotions and excruciating, unresolved experiences.  I don’t have the luxury of just retreating and staying in the realm of ideas like philosophers or theologians can.  I’m down here in the trenches often with people who are desperate and frantic, whose lives are chaotic, and you know what?  They hardly experience the voice of a loving God echoing in their depths.  They are not experiencing, in this wonderful way that Vatican II describes, God’s law being fulfilled in the love of God and neighbor.  

In their distress, they do not seek out a philosopher or a theologian.  Who does that?  Would you do that?  When you are suffering, do you go to internet or pick up the yellow pages and look up philosophers and theologians in your area?   Why not?  Because we need to nourish and heal  not only the mind, but the heart, and the body and the soul, the whole person.  In an integrated way.

When people are suffering this can just seem like words words words, blah blah blah, it just doesn’t seem to stick.  Haven’t all of you experienced that?  How many sermons have you heard that might be speaking to your mind, but not the rest of you?   This intellectualized sermons that speak not to your heart, not to your body. 

Or it can happen the opposite way – a charismatic sermon that speaks to the heart, it really pulls on the heartstrings but it speaks to the heart only, not the mind or soul or body.  How many of you have heard really emotionally moving sermons that were quite confusing or unclear or even heretical in their actual content.  

And let’s also just say it like it is.  Some sermons don’t seem to move the heart or the mind or the body or the soul at all.  Just meh.  Dry.  Boring.  Distant.  And then they can start to feel irrelevant, unattuned.  It’s amazing how mediocre some sermons really can be. It’s not that they are evil or anything.  They just aren’t very human.  

Dietrich von Hildebrand:

God has called us to become new men in Christ…This new life is not destined merely to repose as a secret in the hidden depths of our souls; rather it should work out in a transformation of our entire personality. 

 Our entire personality. All facets of our psychic life.  And I am going to go farther than that statement.  Not just our entire personality but our entire personhood, all of us.  Every aspect of us.  

That’s what we do here.  Souls and Hearts.  

Alice von Hildebrand:  How difficult it is for us fallen men to will what God wills, for as much as we believe we love God, we are tempted to love our own will even more.  

Our soulset very much depends on our level of security in our relationship with God. 
 
 

Let’s be clear.  Soulset does not have to be about feelings.  It’s not driven my emotional states.  For example, in a period of desolation, one can have a very open soul, and be growing spiritually by leaps and bounds, very open to the working of the Holy Spirit – but have no consoling feelings and few or no great spiritual insights.  So it can operate very independently from mindset as well.  

Importance of integration of heart, soul, mind, body.  

Episode 13:  Bodyset:  Loving and Reverencing Our Bodies – With Dr. Andrew Sodergren

John Paul II, in Theology of the Body.  The body is the sacrament of the person – there is a certain sacramentality of the body.  A sacrament makes something present, manifest in a concrete way.  The Body reveals the personhood. 

The body is essential for human beings in order to relate.  The body is essential for prayer.

Some heresies devalue the body (e.g. Manicheanism).  

God in his infinite holiness took on our human flesh.  This elevated the dignity of the human body.  

Our bodies are designed for a sacred purpose, like the sacred vessels for the liturgy.  Like we care for the sacred vessels, we need to care for our bodies.  

The way we dress can adorn the body or debase the body.  

It is valuable to reflect on how I have fallen short of honoring my body and those of others.  

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Episode 12:  Bodyset:  Accepting our Bodies – with Dr. Andrew Sodergren 

Show Notes

To accept the body, we need to accept the body as a gift.  

Obstacles to receiving our bodies as a gift:

1.       Our bodies are imperfect and we are very aware of things we don’t like about our bodies, that fall short of the ideals that we have for our bodies.  Can be superficial issues, or more major issues such as disabilities and major medical problems.  Shame is often body-related.  Body as an obstacle to my self-perfection.  Our body and identity are given to us, not as blank slates.  There is meaning, order, and purpose already built in to our bodies, we discover those, we don’t create or command the meaning, order and purpose of our bodies.  Times when our bodies let us down, not strong enough.  

2.      We associate the body with sin or sinfulness.  We can blame the body for sinfulness and hold the body in distrust.  

3.      Our bodies link us to other people, especially in our families of origin.  My body reminds me of my past, my family.  

4.      How other people have treated our bodies.  How people react to our bodies.  We can despise our bodies because of what our bodies have elicited from others in the past.  

There is always a coherent story about why we might have feelings of hatred toward our bodies.  We want to get to the wound, pain, and the story behind the feelings of hatred for the body.  

The feelings toward the body and body sensations can point us toward deeper issues and realities.  

Hating our bodies means that we are hating ourselves.  

Guided reflection on noticing what is going on in your body and receiving it as a gift. 

Dr. Andrew and Dr. Peter discuss the need to resolve correctable disorder in the body and about the body either in this life or in Purgatory before entering in to heaven.

Get in touch at [email protected] or at 317.567.9594.  Register at soulsandhearts.com for the podcast as well.

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Title:  JR’s Story: What Happens When You Listen to Your Body 

Episode 11:  April 24, 2020

Welcome to our podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem.  Let us seize this day!  This twice-weekly podcast helps us rise up.  It helps us embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis.  And our podcast does this through being thoroughly grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  It is great to be together with you, thank you for tuning in.  

This is Episode 11 and its April 24, 2020.  This one is called JR’s Story: What Happens When You Listen to Your Body.  I am super excited about this episode, because we’re going to do a deep dive into the experience of JR, who is one of us in this podcast community, and what he discovered about himself in doing the guided reflection in the last episode. But first, a quick review:

We have been discussing our Catholic bodies in times of crisis, and how we can increase resilience through a better bodyset.  Remember that when I use the term bodyset, I’m referring to how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations.  We are embodied beings, composites of body and soul.  Our physical bodies have a huge impact on us.   The state of our body, our relationship with our body, that’s bodyset.

So as I discussed with you last time, the main message about bodyset is that we need to listen to our bodies and respond in love to our bodies.  Last episode we focused on listening to our bodies and at the end, we did an experiential exercise where we did some really focused listening, to hear the messages from our bodies that we may otherwise be ignoring.  And that brought in some great responses from some of you, our podcast community members.  Nothing brings me as much satisfaction as hearing you really engaging with this podcast, taking in the information, doing the exercises, discovering new things about yourselves, and growing.  That is what this is all about.  

So before I share these emails, I’m going to suggest that if you have the time and the inclination, go back to the last episode, episode 10 titled Your Catholic Body and this Crisis:  Bodyset and listen if you haven’t done so already.  Go back to the last episode and really experience that exercise, truly listen in to your body with our guided reflection together.    Then come back and listen to the story of JR in Indiana, and what he experienced as he did the exercise from the last episode.  

Whenever I share these kinds of stories on this podcast, because they are so deep, and meaningful and personal, I always ask for permission from the person, out of respect.  If the person is not willing to allow me to share it on the air, that is totally understandable.  I really value your privacy.  These stories, though, illustrate the experiences that I so much want all of you to have, they show the possibilities of what you can learn and how you can change by deeply engaging with this podcast and with our community.

This is also a clear example of what this podcast community is all about.  It’s not about me, lecturing to a microphone off in my makeshift studio far away, and you, just listening alone, a passive recipient.  No.  This podcast is about engagement, it’s about relationship, it’s about connection, it’s about community and it’s about being pilgrims together in these hard times, in this valley of the shadow of death, Yes.  Be we are also together on the road to salvation.  I have responded to every one of you that has reached out by phone or by email, we’re a small enough community that we can do that together and that is a top priority for me.

So I want to start by thanking JR in Indiana for his openness and his willingness to share his experience from the last episode with all of you.  Thank you, JR.  I am going to read this as JR wrote it, because he expresses himself so well in his own words.  He emails me last Monday, four days ago:  

My back is physically out of shape due to lack of exercise (and I was diagnosed with some arthritis in my lower back a couple of years ago). Also, I have had to perform some physical home chores recently that I thought might be the cause of the pain.

I have been working hard at self-care: stretching, walking, a lot of time on my back with my legs elevated. Usually, this self-care would have worked by now; but not this time. I can move; but, not without pain.

This morning I followed your guided meditation and asked my back pain what it wanted to tell me. It said, “Slow down.”

I replied, “SLOW DOWN? I am on my fricking back and can’t move—I can’t go any slower. I am isolated—i can’t go any slower. I can’t find meaningful work—I can’t go any slower. I can’t engage with the Body of Christ—I can’t go any slower!

I have no idea what “slow down” means; but, I will take the suggestion to prayer and further meditation.

I write to him:  

I suspect that the pain has some deeper meaning.  I definitely think you are on the right track with taking the message to prayer and further meditation.  I also would check in with your pain again.  See what more it has to tell you.  You can do that on your own, or it might be helpful to play the relevant section in today's podcast over again if you want a little guidance on checking in.  But approach that pain and its message of "slow down" with curiosity, openness, acceptance if you can.  I get that part of you is frustrated with all the inconvenience of the pain.  See if that part can give you a little room to understand what's going on with the part that is in pain.

Dr. Peter,

Over the past twenty-four hours since my first meditation which gave me the words “slow down”. I have done meditation two more times--late last night and this morning.

The following may be more than you expected; but here goes:.

1)      Here is what I think I learned after the first meditation:

My unconscious, in the form of the little child in me, was saying slow down. The little child, still wounded, was trying to stop my chronological age by slowing me down physically.  It would take me longer to reach old age (death); If I couldn’t move as fast.  With the slowing down, then I would have more time for things to occur; i.e., healing, etc. (and I wouldn’t die!).

Let’s stop for a second here.  This is a great realization.  This is an example of how unconscious parts of us can work.  JR has identified a part of himself that was connected to his back pain.  When he focused in on that pain during the guided reflection, he discovered a part of himself that seems like a little child.   This is so common.  I firmly believe that we all have these parts of ourselves, parts that are young and often neglected or exiled.  These parts of us get trapped in the past, and they think and feel like children do.  Sometimes we condemn these parts of us as “irrational” but I’m going to tell you something.  It’s really important.  I wouldn’t say this part of JR is irrational.  This little part of him is trying to protect him from death, trying to help h...

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Title:  Your Catholic Body and this Crisis:  Bodyset

Episode 10:  April 20, 2020

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem.  Seize the day!  This twice-weekly podcast helps us rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  It is great to be here with you.  

This is Episode 10 and its April 20, 2020, entitled Your Catholic Body and this Crisis:  Bodyset.  Today we are focusing on the body.  Your Catholic body.  Does that sound weird to you?  That your body is Catholic?  I bet it does.  Why?  Is your body not Catholic?  We’re going to get ito all at that body stuff in today’s episode.

[cue music]

Review

We’re in the middle of a program about building resilience in this crisis, so that we are ready to take advantage of the opportunities God is giving us to grow, to grow spiritually of course, but also to grow psychologically, to grow in faith, but also to grow in our human formation, in the natural realms.  

Episode 4 – the Four Pillars of Resilience  Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset, Soulset.  That episode introduced the four major domains, the four major parts of us.  Mind, Heart, Body, Soul.  We need these four areas of our lives ordered so that we can be resilient and adapt well in a crisis.  If you’re new to the podcast, you can listen to each episode in its own, it can stand alone, but remember they all hang together into a program to strengthen your resilience to live out our duties of state, to live our your vocation.  So if you have the time and interest, it’s great to go back to episode 4 and work your way up to this one.  

In Episodes 5 and 6 we got into mindset.  Our mindset is the position of our intellect, and how we habitually apply reason to our situation, to our experiences.  

In Episode 7 we moved into heartset.  Our heartset consists of the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.  We discussed the huge mistake of neglecting our emotions, the costs of that neglect, and how to get in touch with our emotions again.  

In Episode 8 we had a brief detour and we discussed reconciling psychology and Catholicism, and I shared the story of how I got into the field of psychology.

In Episode 9 we got back into heartset, with another huge issue, the issue of being overwhelmed by emotion, and how to prevent that and with that we wrapped up our initial look at heartset.  

So now we’re continuing and we’re working with a new pillar – our bodies.   How do our bodies impact our capacity to cope in a crisis.  That’s the deep dive for us today.  So just a review from Episode 4 – what is bodyset again, Dr. Peter?  Glad you asked.  

Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations.  We are embodied beings, composites of body and soul.  Our physical bodies have a huge impact on us.   The state of our body, our relationship with our body, that’s bodyset.  

Here is the main message:  We need to listen to our bodies and respond in love to them.  What does that mean, Dr. Peter?  We need to listen to our bodies?  Aren’t we supposed to subjugate our bodies?  Aren’t we supposed to control them, keep them from leading us into sin?  

Are not our bodies the “flesh” that St. Paul condemns so often in his letters?

And this business of loving our bodies?  What does that mean?  Sounds fishy.  Sounds dangerous.  

So let me back up a bit and tell you how I as a psychologist got interested in the body.

Episode 8 – told you a bit of my story.  Pretty unimpressed with the clinical training I was getting, really uncertain about how to ground psychotherapy in a Catholic worldview.  And that was so central to me.  I never wanted to lead anyone astray morally or spiritually Program not helpful at all.  I also was far from convinced that psychotherapy was really effective.  So I clinically I got into health and rehabilitation psychology  -- I could see the benefit in that.  Pain control, helping people stop smoking, weight loss stuff. Helping people sleep better, helping people recover and cope with traumatic bodily injuries.  But it was all about symptom management and habit control.  

And I was interested in the meaning of the bodily symptoms and the body habits that troubled people.  Nailbiting  Symbolic meaning.  Anger.  8 months.  

Here is the main message:  We need to listen to our bodies and respond in love to them.  Why.  Because our bodies are us.  My body is a part of me.  

Because we tend to be down on the body.  Lots of people hate their bodies.  Body getting a bad rap – the flesh.  Jansenism, Manicheanism  The good part is the soul (which is composed of light) and the bad part is the body (composed of dark earth).  JPII Theology of the Body

There are many references to “the flesh” in the New Testament, especially in the letters of St. Paul. The phrase is confusing to those who think it synonymous with the physical body. While Scripture many times uses the word “flesh” to refer to the physical body, when it is preceded by the definite article, it usually means something more. Only rarely does the biblical phrase “the flesh” refer only to the physical body (e.g., John 6:53, Phil 3:2, 1 John 4:2).

From Mgsr. Charles Pope:  What, then, is meant by the term “the flesh”? Most plainly, it refers to the part of us that is alienated from God. It is the rebellious, unruly, and obstinate part of our inner self that is always operative. It is the part of us that does not want to be told what to do. It is stubborn, refuses correction, and does not want to have anything to do with God. It bristles at limits and rules. It recoils at anything that might cause one to be diminished or something less than the center of the universe. The flesh hates to be under authority or to yield to anything other than its own wishes and desires. It often wants something simply because it is forbidden.

OK Dr. Peter, so I have the distinction between the flesh and the body.  St. Paul was not condemning our physical bodies when he discusses the flesh.  We need to listen to our bodies?  

And this business of loving our bodies?  What does that mean?  Sounds fishy.  Sounds dangerous. 

Recognize what my body is saying.  

Poker Tells (my knee, jaw clench, high neck pain, low back pain)  GI problems, headache, yoke pattern on neck and shoulders.  Symbolism.  Psychodynamic work.  

Caring for your body.  Neglecting it.  Not showering, fuzzy bunny slippers, shaving. Personal hygiene.  Being good to the body. 

Somatic therapy— Diane from Maryland who emailed me.  Internal Family Systems, EMDR

Exercise to listen in:  

If that body part could speak, what would it tell you.  What does it want you to know.  

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

Title:  The Flip Side of the Huge Mistake We Make with our Emotions in a Crisis

Episode 9:  April 17, 2020

Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me. 

This is Episode 9 and its April 17, 2020, entitled The Flip Side of the Huge Mistake We Make with our Emotions in a Crisis.  In Episode 7, last week, we discussed how some of us make the huge mistake of neglecting our emotions, disregarding them, disconnecting from them.  We discussed the costs of that neglect.  

Today, we discuss the flip side of that mistake – the mistake of being dominated by our emotions.  Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart.  Heartset is essential our emotional state and the positions we take because of our feelings.  One of the four pillars of psychological resilience,  Episode 4  -- introduced all of them.

Emotions are not morally right or wrong.  We often believe they are – we don’t always say it that way.  My sadness is sinful.  

We have an innate sense of right and wrong.  But we also learn what is right and wrong by what our parents reward and punish.  And frankly, parent like pleasant feelings in their children and the don’t like unpleasant feelings.  

So anger, disappointment, sadness, fear – parents sometimes don’t tolerate these emotions well in their children.  Anger as an example.  A lot of parents do not allow their children to express anger in any way.  No expression of anger is well tolerated.  IF you’re a kid an every time you are angry, you get punished no matter what you do, it’s very easy to assume that the anger is wrong.  

Let’s face it:  Kids are not very nuanced.   I hate you mommy you’re a bad mommy.  

So the child learns not to express anger in any way.  Anger is dangerous.  Keep it inside.  Deal with it silently.  So it wells up and explodes.

Some parents can’t handle children’s anger well – they fear their own anger coming up.  So it’s somewhat protective.  You parents know this.  Sometimes it feels like you just can’t take the kids’ fighting any more, the arguing and bickering in anger, and you drop the hammer.  There are no people on earth better able to confront parents with their inadequacies than their children. So kids bury them.  And they ping pong back and forth.  Beach ball under water.  Emotions can come rushing back.  That’s why we want our emotions integrated.   

Banning words like hate.  Because we don’t like the thought that hate is there.  Such a strong word.  But there are strong emotions.  Burning the map doesn’t destroy the territory.  How I learned not to ban words. Telling a story Big brown eyes.  Banning the word Stupid.  

Children have a way of really getting under parents’ skin in ways no one else ever can.  I have seven children.  Oldest was about 8.  Calling each other stupid.  Like kids do.  

Another way.  Or parents may simply allow all kinds of emotional expression.  In this very laid back acceptance of all emotions, the child learns to accept all his emotions, all the emotions are validated, so they all must reflect truth. 

Temperaments of children matter, too.  This stuff is really complex.  

Two ways to be dominated by our emotions:

1.       To be overwhelmed by them, to be driven by our passions, to lash out in anger or to flee in fear when we shouldn’t  

2.      To give them too much weight in our thinking – for example consider how you might hold a grudge against someone – harboring resentment.  Interpret that person’s behavior through that lens of bitterness.   We’re not overwhelmed with emotion.  

When we allow ourselves to be dominated by emotions and when we assume that our emotions just reflect reality, our heartset leads us to a mindset of subjectivism.  My subjective experience is what matters.  If I feel it, it must be true.  I have my truth, you have your truth, and they can contradict each other.  

So we want emotions integrated and we want them regulated.  

Breathe, Holy Names, Confide, Listen.  Four-step plan to calm emotions down.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

So about this podcast.  I way underestimated how much work this is.  And I was very optimistic.  

Building an ark.  Not working out the way I expected.  Very optimistic.  Yeb dub dah.  Flfalg.   Very used to talking with people – presented for years, but I could always watch the reactions.  Is this any good?  Not much response.  Can’t go with what is gratifying.  Turning away potential clients.  Worried.  Does anybody even care.  Some days March 14 no one listens.  

Started asking – brilliant.  

Connections with you:  Worried initially.  

Calls coming in

Letter writing

Now super excited.  Big ideas about how to bring people together.  I am now convinced we have a core.  Looking at RSS feeds.  We’re just going to do what needs to be done.  And I’m not alone.  You are with me.

Prayers are flowing in.  We are coming together.  

Working on a forum for how we can connect.  Send me ideas.    Not a huge fan of FaceBook privacy issues.  Working on a forum for our website.  Private or Public

Also working on setting up groups that can connect around this podcast and within Souls and Hearts.  

Champions – Committed people.  Volunteering.    

Call to Arms  4 qualities.  

1.       Devoutly embrace Catholic Faith – Life of prayer and sacrifice.  

2.      Convinced of the important of psychology – not just dabblers, not just interested in it, but see it as essential in this day and age.  Human formation, not just spiritual formation.

3.      Willingness to change to grow – to apply these things.  Not just some lecture, some dry information.  Yes, some conceptual learning Experiential learning.    

4.      Willing and able to use technology and our online platform.  Engage remotely.  

Too many of you have been siloed – isolated from others that meet these four requirements.  

Christine, Jane, Sylvia, Bridget, Joyce, Diane, Julie, Hrvoje and more that have come in, thank you!  Thank your for telling me your stories and what 

Thank you for the appreciation. Like building an ark.  My he...