It's Not Normal

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The healing journey has been a constant ebb and flow of emotions. While some days, I feel like I can take on the world, others, it’s hard to find the motivation to do much of anything at all. Intrusive thoughts, perfectionism and hypervigilance are just a few of the unhealthy behaviors I developed throughout my childhood that are still a part of my day-to-day life. In this week’s episode, I offer up a realistic look at healing. Healing is progress, it’s movement. Hope can exist alongside overwhelming emotion.

Chapters

2:06 A Realistic Look at Healing

4:24 Intrusive Thoughts

11:51 Being Vulnerable in a Relationship

15:16 Asking for Help

19:38 Hypervigilance

23:22 People Pleasing

28:41 Establishing Healthy Communication

33:50 Being Hypercritical of Myself

A few weeks ago, I got an invite to be on In-Sight Exposing Narcissism - a podcast hosted by licensed psychotherapists Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to speak with them and share my story. In this week’s episode, I talk about what it was like speaking to mental health professionals for the first time along with some additional insight on defensiveness, enmeshment and other topics we addressed. 

If you haven’t already, check out Katie and Helen’s podcast, 

99. It's Not Normal - An interview with Casey Smith

Katie McKenna: https://www.tiktok.com/@katiemckennatherapist

Helen Villiers: https://www.tiktok.com/@helenvilliersma

Chapters

0:57 Anticipating Negativity

4:44 Validating My Experience

10:29 Toxic Positivity

16:13 Holding My ‘No’

18:37 Breaking the Cycle

26:01 Direct Communication

27:34 Taking Responsibility

Perfectionism comes in different forms. Whether it’s self, other or socially oriented, dealing with perfectionism can feel like a never ending cycle of unrealistic expectations followed by criticism and disappointment. Often a trauma response or coping mechanism, perfectionism often stems from being raised by an emotionally unskilled parent. In this week’s episode, we dive into everything related to perfectionism, it’s connections to narcissistic abuse and tips on how to fight it. 

Chapters

0:11 Perfectionism 

1:29 3 Types of Perfectionism

4:26 How It Relates to Narcissism

6:19 Conditional Love and Expectations

7:40 Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism

9:48 ‘Overachiever’ 

13:36 Attachment Trauma and Unpredictability

16:24 Going Away to School

22:52 Posting on Social Media

26:00 Fighting Perfectionism

The TikTok that went viral:

https://www.tiktok.com/@csmith0497/video/7284752825916132651

Expectations are one of the most damaging things to bring into relationships and experiences. So often, the expectations we carry with us can be traced back to the expectations that were placed on us throughout our lives. Letting go and living in the moment are helpful in healing.

Chapters 

0:00 Introduction

1:10 Where do Expectations Come From?

4:44 Hypervigilance

8:59 Going to the Beach

11:34 You’re Only Doing It For Me

13:06 If You Have to Ask

16:12 Deviating from the Plan

18:45 False Sense of Urgency

23:21 I Like Dark Chocolate

25:59 Voicing What I Want

28:53 Outro

‘You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick.’

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition in which an individual has an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissists are extremely self-focused and approach situations from the viewpoint, ‘how does this affect me?’ Competitiveness, comparison and a lack of empathy are characteristics of a narcissist that prevent them from sharing in the excitement and joy surrounding your own personal accomplishments. In this week’s episode, I discuss everything from winning the science fair in elementary school to traveling the country for the first time as a young adult, the differences in the reactions and support of my narcissistic parent and how I’ve managed to maintain positivity and happiness around personal accomplishments.

0:00 Intro

0:44 What is Narcissism?

1:05 My Early Accomplishments

1:40 Prioritizing Myself

3:00 Contrasting Accomplishments

4:45 Realizing That I Don’t Have to Wait Around

7:34 Narcissists Lack of Empathy 

10:19 Starting a Business on my Own

13:17 Mocking Your Personal Achievements 

17:38 Why Can’t You Just Be Happy For Me?

19:50 Having Trouble Trusting Your Gut

23:18 Healthy v. Narcissistic Relationship

26:22 Speaking Negatively About Others

28:42 Recognize the Behavior

30:02 It’s Not Personal

31:35 Set Boundaries 

35:47 Outro

Happy Holidays! The decision to go no contact is rarely an easy one. Feelings of sadness, guilt and even isolation are common and can be especially hard to reconcile around the holidays. This year marked my first no contact Christmas, and, while it was upsetting at times to no longer be partaking in family traditions I had cherished throughout my childhood, the distance also gave me peace of mind. In this week’s episode, I get into everything from how I was feeling and how I managed the more negative emotions that surfaced to how I’ve adjusted my expectations of the holiday season and how I plan to redefine family traditions for me!

1:17 Our Unconventional Approach to Life

5:09 Conventional Celebrations

7:00 The Value of Family Traditions

10:47 Adjusting to Changing Traditions

26:53 Misconceptions of Narcissistic Parents

29:56 Letting Go and Redefining

33:48 Optimist Based in Reality

37:37 Being Thankful for Where I Am Now

41:41 The Plan for Next Year

46:19 Outro

Growing up in a narcissistic family, you are often exposed to unhealthy behavior. Whether through observation or participation, it’s not uncommon to subconsciously integrate those same toxic traits into your own life. Through recognition and forgiveness, we can unlearn these negative behaviors and redefine our life and relationships. 

Chapters

0:00 Intro

0:27 Arguments

5:19 Closed Family System

8:45 My First Relationship

11:19 Red Flags

12:58 Mimicking Behavior

13:56 Direct Communication

15:37 Trust Issues

18:36 Control + Dependence

20:08 Hypervigilance

27:24 Recognition

30:08 Perspective from the Moms at Work

37:46 Willingness to Change

43:07 Starting from Zero

45:49 Numbness

49:00 Forgiving Past Version of Yourself

52:22 Outro

Control and Fostering Dependence - From my parents showing up unannounced to a concert I went to when I was 21 to hiding my keys, this week's episode gets into the narcissist's obsession with control and how fostering a sense of dependency helps them to maintain it.