Looking for a quick exercise to offset the potentially harmful effects of conflict?

Jess & Brandon explore a 7-minute solution to support "cognitive reappraisal" as they share the details of their latest fight: the Popsicle incident.

In one study, three simple 7-minute writing interventions over the course of a year were shown to improve relationship quality in newlyweds and long-term couples alike. Have a listen to learn more and give it a try yourself to improve your relationship in just 21 minutes per year.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Jess & Brandon's Latest Argument. And A 7-Minute Solution

Episode 329

[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Today we're going to be diving into an exercise that just brought to my attention and asked us or asked me to define or what would you say? Write out, explain our most recent argument.

[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: Yes, from a neutral perspective. So we're going to try an exercise that has been shown to lead to happier relationships, and it relates to conflict and how we view it. And so basically, Brendan and I wrote out Why are you laughing? How we view because honestly, I can't even finish a sentence because we had to describe our most recent conflict from a neutral perspective, and I think we sound ridiculous.

[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Like speed bags. It's about popsicles. I was going to say that. The conflict is about, it's about chill pops.

[00:01:00] Brandon Ware: My headline for the, for this was the popsicle fight.

[00:01:04] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my gosh.

[00:01:04] Brandon Ware: I'm like, oh man.

[00:01:06] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, let me give you a bit of background on this exercise. So, you know, it comes from this study where researchers from four different universities were working with 120 couples over the course of two years.

[00:01:14] Jess O'Reilly: So some of these couples were newlyweds and some had been married for years. And during the first year of the study, all participants, all couples were assigned to write about the most significant marital conflict they had experienced in the previous four months. So they did this three times a year, and they were also collecting info on, you know, their relationship overall.

[00:01:34] Jess O'Reilly: So intimacy, trust, passion, commitment, satisfaction, and love. So that's what they did in the first year. They, three times a year, they wrote about their most significant marital conflict. After year one, the whole group was divided in two. So one group, the control group, kept doing the same activity that they did in the first year, wrote about their most significant conflict.

[00:01:52] Jess O'Reilly: But the second group, did an additional writing activity that took around seven minutes on average. And so the quote,

[00:02:00] each partner wrote about the conflict from the perspective of an impartial observer who wants the best for both partners. So they did this three times a year and apparently it made a really significant difference.

[00:02:12] Jess O'Reilly: Just writing about the conflict from a neutral perspective, from the perspective of somebody who wants. both parties to come out on top as a team. And with just three seven minute writing exercises or interventions, they saw really interesting results.