Well, what an interesting 24 hours!  Yesterday was really rough.  I think I was a bit toxic from too much wine at the weekend, but also my mind was sooooo full on that it was like torture.  Trying to organise a hospital appointment too, had me (not quite literally) curled up in a corner shaking.

This morning though I felt so much better.  I'd rehydrated and slept great. I was listening to the subliminals and just watching what was going on with thoughts and feelings.  Lots of the same old controlling thinking. Some full on and in your face...direct.  Some a little bit more insidious...trying to sneak in with a benign thought which then led me back down the resisting path again.  Anyway, focusing on the gap between thoughts, I realised that I had a feeling of what I can only call JOY bubbling up.  I've had that before on occasion, but what I'd not seen/realised was thought's response to it was quite brutal.  It was like I was somehow supressing the feeling because it was scary.  I'd be out of control if it let it really take shape and explode.  Thinking creeps in and thoughts of embarrassment and shame appear.  I can only describe it as like trying to stifle an orgasm due to shame (if that makes any sense at all).  A massive energetic feeling arises but the feeling of being out of control joyful was just too scary.  

In writing this I'm smiling because I was going to say...'who am I to experience this joy and freedom', but then realising that this was the real me that I have been suppressing all my life.  I realised too that watching my wife's unbridled joy at greeting friends and being in the moment has always felt uncomfortable to me.  I've been very suppressed. Locked down.

Not sure that this makes any sense at all?