David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return in a Tuesday KITM that feels like a Monday KITM but is more like a Friday KITM that feels like a Thursday KITM. You will understand once you hear the Wednesday KITM.

A Delta airliner landed on its roof in Minneapolis yesterday. Is that how they are supposed to land? It doesn’t seem so… unfortunately the people in charge of that at the FAA don’t work there anymore. OSHA also eliminated safety guidelines warning of a diversity of dangers. Thousands of government employees have been fired because of performance, though “good” or “bad” performance has not been specified. Next up, the Social Security Administration, because there is no “yours” or “their” money, it’s “woke” or “based” money. MAGA is finding out that Musk just doesn’t think they are that cool.

One thing’s for certain; you can’t blame Trump or Musk for this, because “Trump” and “Musk” and “DOGE” and the “Gulf of America” are just words in some mass hallucination that you have chosen to believe. Pick the red or blue pill and… never mind, SCOTUS will pick one out for you.

Did “they” flood Kentucky to steal Fort Knox from Elon? Sure, why not?

Gops only care about the rules if that helps them break the rules. “But! Those rules are the rules!” the Dems cry out, as sparks shoot out of their ears, and they collapse en masse to the ground.

New York City Comptroller Brad Lander has found a set of rules to try after four of the City's Deputy Mayors resigned rather than break their rules. Governor Katy Hochul has now found herself in the uncomfortable position of having to do a thing or at least having a conversation about doing a thing. Of course, no one actually “told” anyone to dismiss Eric Adam’s prosecution… especially not attorney Alex Spiro.

David Waldman delivers the first KITM following the declaration of the historic Luigi Doctrine this weekend. Dems in exile plot their counterattack to be waged once they find the Elmer’s to glue together their big piece of posterboard onto that easel that goes behind their outraged speeches. Greg Dworkin is out fighting weather not fit for man nor beast. Greg’s not presumed lost; in fact, we presume he might turn up tomorrow.

Elon Musk is sucking America dry.  Anyone willing to reciprocate will be rewarded. Supergenius Elon knows when you are laughing “with” him and when you aren’t. Elon’s son, WD-40, will tell him as he already has more accounting experience and common sense than all DOGErs combined. OSHA guidelines are banned from warning about a diversity of dangers. Hundreds of officials hired to keep nukes from going nuclear are fired, maybe, then rehired, maybe. Maybe they aren’t really fired, they just won’t be paid, or maybe they’ll be arrested today, who knows? If employees were involved with DEI, attended mandatory DEI meetings, had grandparents who were DEI lovers, or have even a drop of DEI blood, they better watch their backs.

Today, whether you’re planning a romantic evening for two or two hundred, you’ll want to hear David Waldman, the “Barry White of political podcasts”, on KITM, home of the hottest takes.

Elon Musk doesn’t know his SQL from a hole in the ground, but how hard is it really to sucker punch US government agencies defended by only strong rhetoric? 

Dems seem kinda happy to be out of power. Gops are certainly happy that they are also out of power. Corporate media is delighted to phone it in. 

Officers with the federal public integrity unit don’t want to be the one who aids and abets Mayor Eric Adams.

Pete Hegseth told NATO to never trust or rely upon the US anymore, and NATO agreed. JD Vance also brought his foreign policy to work today. The Vance Doctrine fights woke around the world. Little DOGEy Edward Coristine might have dabbled in racism and pedophilia back in his youth of last year, but Elon Musk will groom him to greatness.

Emil Bove, who somehow looks more like Stephen Miller than Miller does will hunt down the Jan 6 prosecutors he worked with before the end times.

Thomson Reuters wins the first major AI copyright case in the US.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back and will continue to return until we straighten up.

Today in political procedure efficaciousness: Democratic Representatives aren’t really into leading a peaceful revolution at the moment, which will probably end in… something not so good… that they won’t be leading anyhow. Therefore, it falls upon Gops to be responsible and save the nation and stuff...

Meanwhile, Attorney General Pam Bondi, flanked by FBI agents, as a signal that she meant business, announced the immediate arrest of traitors to the Father… no wait, she didn’t. Plenty of others around the world are happy to, however, and Americans can and will die from this.

As per tradition, Gazans will be allowed to leave a trail of tears when relocated.

We abandon Ukraine. We abandon Nato. We abandon the world. We are such pussies.

Disney fights woke by taking the trigger warning off Dumbo, while slipping in the most woke verse to the most woke song on the most woke theme park ride ever. Finally, the yoke of woke is off entertainment! Finally, the Kennedy Center will be free to honor the next Leni Riefenstahl, as long as she’s blonde with double Ds.

The State Department said they were buying $400M in Cybertrucks. Elon Musk denied that the State Dept is buying $400M worth of Tesla Cybertrucks. The state department removed the word “Tesla” from the $400M contract. Waste and corruption are gone! You are welcome! Elon Musk will pay $10 million to settle its NOT-Z site lawsuit. Elon Musk collects $8 million per day for his DODGEY efforts. Even Elon’s son THX-1138 can do the math on who’s in charge here.

Arbitrary and capricious! Who’d guess that something as obscure as “law” would throw Trump off his righteous path? Trump and paperwork, man.

JD Vance has always been JD First, which he believes will get him into Heaven. Experts disagree.

IYL to KITM, YK but David Waldman only has two hours, weekdays, to tell you. Somedays, like today, Greg Dworkin shows up to assist via his many helpful interruptions.

Democrats will never bring a gun to a knife fight. They won’t bring a knife to a knife fight. They bring Robert’s Rules of Order to a knife fight. Dodgy Doges performing illegal acts on government property? What do you want Dems to do? Walk by a guard? No! Effective procedure is far too complex for that. Think of the trouble it would cause if Jasmine Crockett were to actually break Nancy Mace’s nose! No one wants trouble, no matter how good that trouble might be. 

After all, we have the Constitution. They are still letting us have the rule of law (as of 2:10 PM EST) Yep, just wait for things to turn out right… Also, Gops seem to be morons, so there’s always some hope there. (Remember to NOT follow anyone on the NOT-Z site! They are always available elsewhere!)

Then there’s that DODGY, and its most Artful DOGEr, Elon Musk. Elon, wearing his son Mxyzptlk, was forced to call his worst employee onto the oval carpet yesterday. Donald was asleep at the job again, and worse couldn’t perform the simple task of lying to credulous access stenographers about why DODGY exists, which is of course to destroy Elon’s enemies, including all the poors, (Because hilarious!) leaving the remainder… the folks that get it.

New York Mayor Eric Adams gets it. But if it turns out he hasn’t, back into the box he goes. By the way, how did the Pope ever get the impression that JD Vance worshiped Christ?

Sunday’s Superbowl halftime show was the second most watched TV show of all time but may have taken the lead in the number of stupid people watching it. That is, stupid people and old white folks whose kids obviously didn’t them bring up right. Here today to guide us is KITM Senior Hip-Hop Correspondent and Cultural Zeitgeist Analyst Darwin Darko who personally recorded a quick 10-minute primer to catch us up.

On today’s KITM David Waldman reviews the freshest havoc being delivered direct to your door.

Donald opened the gates on Arkham Asylum yet again, Rod Blagojevich scurried out. Eric Adams will be allowed to remain “New York City” Mayor as long as he remembers whose mayor he really is. Trump streamlines the process and just legalizes bribery and corruption.

Judge Berman Jackson placed an administrative stay on the firing of Special Counsel Hampton Dellinger. Trump sent a lawyer in a velvet tux to shout “Objection!”

Today’s chaff explosion contains pennies and Lee Harvey Oswald’s laptop from hell. Also, Jan 6 cops were the rioters. 

Trump’s biggest corruption ever, and possibly the biggest this week... or maybe today, is to create a Trump-centric economy and kill the watchdog. This began before the inauguration, when early crypto traders stroked the $TRUMPet and made millions from nothing, for no one.

Trump is a narcissistic sociopathic grifter, but he knows what side his bread is buttered on and isn’t interested in destroying all of his adoring fans. Elon Musk, however, is in this for the Lulz. He’s still giving out reasons for what he does, but that’s for his lulz as well. If he told the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau why he wanted in the door, they wouldn’t have let him in, and what is the fun in that?

Musk gets along with his little Dogeys by rescuing the worst of every litter. Elon knows who he needs for this job. If your bs got you fired, that bs will get you hired by Musk.

It’s Superbowl Monday! There may be some problem with saying that, but it also seems that most have bigger things on their plate.

David Waldman is here to help carry our metaphorical plates

Greg Dworkin somehow hauls in his Raft O’ Stories™ while riding in on the new FAFO Express™. 

Jeff Stein over on the NOT-Z website describes what he sees as the DOGE game plan. (Jeff will describe it to you at the Good Place also.) Kingpin Elon Musk adds to Trump’s psychopathogarchy an all new economic model with him at the top of the pyramid scheme, and a system of government similar to your health insurance help line. Already Musk’s trademark efforts have cut worker turnover in half.

Elon’s handymen are busy installing backdoors all over Washington.

Much of what Boss Musk is doing is illegal, but who’s going to tell him, will he listen, and if not, who’s going to make him listen? JD Vance believes that Trump should just shut down the “federal” part of government and just hand off the rest to the States.

Russell Vought, the acting director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, didn’t act that way for long, shutting it all down and adding a few more lawsuits to the pile. The National Security Agency will be deleting any websites that show bias… that is, the word “bias”, also “prejudice”, “racism” and “gender”. Everyone knows that if those words are eliminated, so of course would be the problems. Trump knows to fire the people foolish enough to come to the diversity training that he ordered.

Trump meanwhile assures citizens that the treasury is rigged, and that their dollars are fake, so just calm down until Mike Lindell takes a look at everything. Farmers were assured that their USDA funding would not be frozen, but no one promised that they would keep sending them checks. You can trust Trump to be a liar, but you can’t trust that he is always lying. You can trust Trump to be purely transactional, but you never know if you are the recipient, or the payment.

To no one’s surprise, the excuses the Trump White House is issuing for Elon Musk’s attacks on USAID are not true. Eleven of the 12 offered are just flat lies or inaccurate. The twelfth is just dumb. Meanwhile, Trump continues to insist on the dumbest possible reading of everything, including his claim that USAID subsidized Politico. Which, duh. Although maybe Politico thought they could get subsidized by the Trump “administration” if they licked his boots enough. Nope! Not only that, but Trump now thinks he’s ordered the government-wide cancellation of all media contracts. Probably not the best one, though.

If it’s not a White Guy, it’s DEI!™ NSA papers over, then re-reveals its “Hall of Honor” exhibits. Overzealous enforcement, or malicious compliance?

Anyway, you’ll never believe it, but Elon’s Lost Boys were lying about their access. Oh, and they’re racists. Oh, and Little Marco was lying about a fake freebie deal with Panama, too. Oh, and Elon’s been falling for Russian fake videos again.

Who benefits when USAID leaves the field? The other team(s). (Though Elon might actually be on those teams.) Who loses? The people Trump says he’s “protecting” from “anti-Christian bias.” Of course, he also thinks he’s protecting against anti-Jewish bias, too.

Did the Trump “administration” learn its lesson from Colombia, about treating deportees with minimum basic standards of dignity? Well, you heard me say it was Trump, right?

Pop quiz! Who is the Archivist of the United States?

Pop quiz! Who is the chair of the Federal Election Commission?

Google is your friend co-conspirator.

Gluttons for punishment or eternal optimists? David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back, and so are you!

Be on the lookout! Someone has stolen 100,000 eggs, and the suspect is still at large... grade A, extra-large!

Alas, there are worse cartoon supervillains on the loose. Elon Musk is attacking his enemies, USAID and USA, while his chief henchman Trump finally breaks the Senate, orders America to check the undies of 9-year-olds, weaponizes government against the first female Coast Guard commandant, and pours billions of gallons of water into the sewer while looking into the eyes of drought-ridden farmers. Trump can’t find enough people here to set on his trail of tears, so he hopes to add Gazans. Democrats have yet to solidify around a solution, as most of the good solutions might be considered felonies.

Democracy is down, but maybe not out. Most people don’t like what’s happening, if that matters anymore. Gops don’t like Musk, but who does? And what just happened with Trump’s tariff strategy? Trump and paperwork, man! But then again, his boss Musk has some crafty little ones working for him. They were born into the age of trolling. Their entire life has been a black mirror, for them all reality is fungible. For them, all truth is no more or less than an internet poll. All those numbers and names are just data, bro.

We and David Waldman have made it to the Wednesday KITM! Now, let’s try for Thursday!

Greg Dworkin bursts through the door, cinders in his hair, shirt torn, exclaiming “The State of the Union is not... sound” before collapsing. Really? I read that The Sims is 25, but are things that bad out there? Why yes, things are that bad. You won’t be reading that on government websites, because they have been shut off. As for the MSM, “Trump is brazenly defying laws” must be hard to type from the lower intestine of a leopard, which is also a bad location to recover from. But what if Trump defies judges next? Well, that is the point in being “brazen”, right? Anyhow, Trump’s face will eventually be leopard chow, because Elon’s actually running this operation, somehow one step ahead of everyone with his gang of kids, including Big Balls and The Artful Dodger.

The Dems charge over the hill, cavalry bugling, finally.  But who to rescue first? The FAA bans employees from making air travel safer. The USPS suspends and un-suspends packages from China. The Army doesn’t know what the F is going on. Trump hopes to have Gaza wrapped up to give Jared for Christmas. Don’t worry, Palestinians can come back after it’s “world class”, right after Paiutes return to Las Vegas and the Lenape to Manhattan. By then Gazans in the Middle East (and Africa!) will have collected enough condoms to line their new private swimming pools. And why does everyone keep trying to trade war Donald?

Oh, I forgot that Trump is an idiot figurehead, a complete cypher. Unfortunately, not enough people remember that. Remember that the enemy isn’t who Trump tells MAGA it is, it is whomever that Elon Musk thinks it is. At this moment the enemy is the less than a quarter of one percent of the US GDP in foreign aid. “Nonessential” USAID personnel will find out how essential they’ve been deemed late in the afternoon of the day that they need to leave their countries. The least essential guy available has been put in control of their future.