Listener question:  I’m in the middle of confused thought storms, so please forgive me in advance. 

So my question is: what if the intellectual understanding gets in the way of the falling away of patterns? What if the mind totally gets it, but the suffering is ramped up extremely? What if every tiny interaction with another human being becomes painful? The feelings are raw and relentless.

What if the mind says, you understand now all of this, so why the hell are these patterns are getting stronger? Fear, emotional pain, suffering as sign that there is something believed that’s not true, says the intellect. Fuck, I m drowning in my suffering and we would probably say there is no I, there is no suffering, fuck it. I’m bright awake every night around 4 am (despite being on sleeping pills) being immersed in the Horrorfilm of my mind. 

I am fighting with myself and everyone around me and the minute I see what I am doing I collapse in utter selfdisgust, wishing myself or the other to die. 

It’s smoke and mirrors, a fight for life and death, it takes too much energy to function in everyday life. When asking the question what is at stake here, the mind goes blank. There is no way out.