It’s entirely possible that it’s just the contrarian in me, but I kind of love when I am talking to a guest who is like ‘been there, done that, do not want to go back’.

Because, yes, I love hearing about queer nightlife, and how accessing those spaces helps you tap into something bigger than yourself, but it’s important not to over romanticise them. And, on top of that, it's always nice to be reminded that there are bigger and better things out there in the wild world.

And I was reminded of just that when I sat down to talk to author Troy Ford, who is currently on the cusp of releasing his new book, Lamb, a book about two friends and their complicated relationship.

And speaking of complicated relationships (see what I did there?), Troy had refreshing insights in to the queer world of San Francisco in the 90s, a space and time he had a complicated relationship with. As hard as he tried, he just couldn't connect with the scene and the people in it.

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Ok, so this just might be the most obvious statement that I've ever made. And, that's really saying something, considering all of the clangers that I come out with...

But... it's kind of incredible how much our family and our early years define us.

Like, so much of who I am is because of who they are. And, vice versa, I suppose. But, there's something really interesting in the messages that we chose to internalise and how difficult those are to shake off.

But, like, what would happen if we just did? If we just stopped believing all of those things about ourselves that we thought were innate or hard-wired or just who we are... What if they're not who we are?

Ok, ok, that's too much navel gazing. Let me introduce you to this week's guest, who sent me down this thought path. He is Brian Gryhpon, a queer neurodelightful Canadian who is a photographer, tarot card reader, and poet.

We got together to talk about his days in Toronto, and how he graduated from the bar scene to start going to Club Manatee, a club that operated in the 1970s.....

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Website: http://digitalgryphon.com/text-lynx/

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Have you ever decided that you were going to go celibate and swear off sex forever?

Probably. It happens.

Now, my follow up question - have you ever promised that you'd go celibate to... oh, i don't know, let's say,,,, thousands upon thousands of evangelical christians and then felt the weight of all of their expectations upon you whilst you're still trying to wrestle with your sexuality and identity?

No, I didn't think so. Me either.

But this week's guest, the sex and intimacy coach, porn star, and podcast host, Alex Gay did just that, promising the world that he would remain celibate.

But that was all to come crashing down when he went to Washington, DC's club Town.

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Website: https://alexxxgay.univer.se/

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Do you remember the person that you were before you first had your heart broken? How you moved through the world? How you approached relationships and falling in love?

Do you ever miss that person?

This week I caught up with comedian Glo Butler, and though we sat down to talk about the Fab Lounge, a lesbian bar in Washington DC, what we talked about was the people she met there and how they changed her outlook on life, love, and lesbian bars.

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This week's episode feels like a bit of a culmination of different thoughts that have been bubbling up from recent conversations on the show.

First, there’s my realisation that I’m more of a sponge than an island — and I know that sounds cryptic, but it’s really not. It's just this idea that who we are is shaped as much by what’s going on around us as it is by what’s inside us.

Then there’s been a lot of talk about people pleasing — that’s come up in a few conversations lately too.

But don't worry, it’s not all existential crises! That’s only half of the conversation.

The other half is a lovely chat with actor and founder of the 'Men Who Read' book club, Paul Cram, about the lost Minneapolis space Jet Set, where he and his friend Robert used to go religiously, embracing the opportunity to leave behind the rest of the world if only for the evening.

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.

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This week it's the story of The Copa, a club that was found (across two different sites) in Flint, Michigan between the years of 1980-1995

But, really, it's a love story. And the first scene in this love story just happened to be at The Copa. 

And, who is here to tell us all about it?

Why, it's the self-proclaimed 'professional homosexual' Greg R Baird, who is a Global Lecturer on LGBTQIA+ Civil Rights, Allyship & Community.

Greg is currently working on his memoir, and so was in a reflective mood when we sat down. And I learnt some really important things in this conversation, like how Greg learnt to masturbate, and how he managed to fit in his really tight trousers that he bought especially for his first night in the club. But, most importantly, I learnt about the power of unconditional love.

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Subscribe to my newsletter Queer Word, where we explore and unpack a different queer word every week.

You know how we talk about queer spaces as a place where you can just be yourself? And we talk about how liberating and exciting and freeing that is?

Well, what if the opposite is also true? What if being someone else in a queer space is also really liberating? What if being someone else actually helps you to realise who you are?

Ok, I seem to be tying myself up in knots here. So, instead of pondering that massive question, why don't I introduce you to this week's guest?

If you are a fan of Drag Race, but you haven't yet watched any of the international versions of the franchise then let me recommend you go straight to Drag Race Philippines. And, in particular, season 3 because it's chaotic and ridiculous in all the best ways.

And it's where I found this week's guest, the delightful Tita Baby.

Tita and I caught up to talk about Bed, which was a club in the capital city of the Philipines, Manila. And, of course, we also talked about much, much more - her childhood growing up in a sheltered catholic family, never being picked to play basketball with the other boys, and her relationship with her bisexuality.

I loved this conversation because Tita was so open and honest throughout.

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Have you ever heard of the concept of a “gay age”?

If not, here's the gist: the idea goes that we each have a gay age, which starts from the moment we come out. So, that means if I came out yesterday, I’d be zero. If you came out a decade ago you’re ten years old in gay years.

It’s a really fascinating concept, but the more I sit with it, the more I find it to be a little problematic.

But I won’t get into all that now (I'll actually be talking about it in this week's issue of my newsletter, Queer Word. If you haven't signed up yet, make sure you do before Friday!)

Let me instead introduce you to this week’s guest, Koby Falks—an adult entertainer from Australia who started going out in the early 2000s at one of Melbourne’s most iconic queer clubs, The Market.

It was in this space that he really got to step into his queerness—and no other place was this more true than on the dancefloor where he could feel free, open... and shirtless.

If the whole “gay age” thing has piqued your interest, I’ll be writing about it in this week’s issue of Queer Word, my newsletter all about queer language and its history. If you haven’t already signed up, you’ll find all the details in the show notes—I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea.

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Sometimes when you live in a small close-knit community there is nowhere to hide. No where to disappear to. It can feel like you're always on guard, always wearing the false smile and maintaining the pretence for everyone else around you.

So, what would happen if you found somewhere that you knew no one else was going to be? Somewhere that you could totally relax, and just be yourself for an hour or two? How would that impact you?

Well, we're about to find out, because this week's guest is comedian Sunny Laprade, who grew up in small town America , and found an abandoned building as a teen where she got to be away from the judgemental eyes of... well... everyone else in her life.

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We talk a lot about — and when I say 'we,' I mean the wider queer community — how upsetting it is that queer bars and clubs are closing at an accelerated rate. But I think the bigger tragedy is the disappearance of queer cafés.

And maybe it’s wrong to pit them against each other, but queer cafés offer that beautiful intermediate step. They’re not as full-on or intimidating as a bar or a club, and they’re places where you can just be. There’s no pressure to perform, no need to match the thump of a bassline — just you, your overpriced oat flat white, and the comforting hum of conversations that sound a little more like home.

One of the absolute best queer cafés that ever existed — and I won't hear any counterarguments — was First Out Café in Central London. Before it closed in 2011 to make way for yet another railway construction project, it was a sanctuary. A place where you could nervously nurse a tea while pretending to read the free gay magazines that used to exist, all the while sneaking glances at the other queers who had found refuge there too.

It’s also where today’s guest, drag king extraordinaire Mr Wesley Dykes, took his first tentative steps into queerdom. Growing up between Lagos and South London, Wesley navigated the complexities of identity, family expectations, and self-acceptance. And when that weight felt a little too heavy, First Out Café was there — offering a cup of tea and the reassuring presence of a community.

Other episodes about First Out Cafe

'The First Gay Place That I Went Inside...' - with Alex Iantaffi from Gender Stories Podcast

First Out Cafe, London (with Ali Brumfitt)

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