Mbaacha

Today I learned that you have to put in work to be healthy. Today I got up early cleaned, cooked, took care of responsibilities, then proceeded to engaging in my hobby. Though it was a productive day it was a tiring one. Mentally and physically. It required stamina and self awareness. It required a high level of will. There was a desire to say to hell with everything and just recede into the comfort of my bed. To shirk all my responsibilities. To not engage in any beneficial activity but to just get caught in a YouTube loophole only to be disgusted with how much time I wasted at the end of the day. I’ve been down that road many times before. It only led me to sink further and further into hell. But it has to be acknowledged that being mentally and physically healthy just doesn’t happen. It isn’t the default. One is either rising to heaven or falling to hell. There is no standing still. That’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t see myself saying to hell with striving towards better mental/physical health. Because it’s gonna get worse without being attended too. Also I feel that I feel I’m worth being healthy. I’m worth putting in the all the work and making the tough decisions. To avoid diabetes, and high blood pressure and protect my peace of mind. So even though it’s requires a lot of energy I just have to remember that I’m worth every ounce of it. And that the alternative is disproportionately unfavorable.

Today I learned having a goal specifies attention. Ever since I started this Summer my #1 goal has been to pay off my tuition so that I could finally move out of my mom’s home and coninue my education. With having that goal always in the back of my mind I’ve noticed a lot more opportunities to make money than I have in the future. I started noticing things around the house that if I were to grab them and sell them on eBay nobody would even notice if they were gone. I started realizing ways in which I could save money by simply not bringing my debit card to work and buying things in advance to eat when hunger would strike. I started noticing new places to apply for jobs previously forgotten. Things that could bring or save me money in order to pay off my tuition interested me. Things that could take away money from me and draw me farther from my goal disinterested me. I started cutting out the fat like dropping automatically renewing subscription accounts, unfulfilling relationships, and even petty grudges. It’s obvious to me now more than ever that when you have a goal your at your best. The petty annoyance that would once enrage you don’t matter as much. You let things go more willingly in order to free up space for your burning goal. But this could be a negative as well. How my burning intent is to pay off my tuition is now is the same way my burning intent was to gain success in music. Thankfully now I know the way to combat that laser beam focus is to consistently ask oneself what are three responsible things I should do today? And what is one remarkable stupid thing I should stop doing? Having a goal fine tunes one perception. Having a goal that really motivates a person makes like a little more enjoyable.

Today I learned you can’t give them too much. For the entirety of my life I’ve had a tough time getting along with people in the long term. With the majority of my relationships it always seemed like the other person grew contemptuous towards me over time. It really frustrated me for awhile because it was something that seemed I couldn’t shake. Whether friends, family, coworkers, teachers, or classmates it just seemed like people grew disgusted with me over a period of time. For awhile I acted like I didn’t care. I said fuck those people. I said to myself that I didn’t care what people think of me. Instead of objectively analyzing my behavior in social settings I coerced myself into believing that people just didn’t like me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was only after almost losing yet another job is when I asked myself why can’t I get along with people in the long term? I thought about the way that I acted. I thought about how silly I would be. How obnoxious I would be. How bold I would be to say inappropriate things. I thought about the look of anger and deep resentment I would see in friend’s and family member’s faces when I would say something foolish in attempts to get a laugh. With retrospect I could tell now that they were embarrassed on my behalf when ever I exhibited poor behavior. I can’t always joke around. I can’t always fully express whatever is on my mind. Behaving this way puts me in the posistion of the fool in any social setting. Being too much is what is damaging all my relationships. I have to be reserve. I have to conduct myself in a manner where only well thought out statements leave my mouth. There is always a yearn in me to see if I can make everybody laugh, to bug the person next to me, to insert my opinion when nobody asked, to call attention to myself with some bizarre childish antic. If I seriously want to move forward from where I am today I have to deafen that part of me. It’s really the inner child who never got enough parental attention. Instead of always being at 100% when I’m around people I have to be at 50%. I have to guard against myself. That is how I’ll have successful long term relationships.

Today I learned that straightening things out feels good. I haven’t had the best relationship with my sister. It’s been estranged to say the least. There are things she’s done that haven’t sit well with me for years. Today I was forced to finally give her a call. I had texted my uncle the Gofundme page I made for my school shit. And he called me up and was disgruntled I didn’t come to him first. He told me to call my sister and let her know about the money that I needed. I was timid at first because my sister and I hadn’t spoke for so long and last time we did I wasn’t on my best behavior. But he assured me that if I’d reach out to my sister he would later call her and other family members to see what they could do. So I called my sister up and began to first deconstruct what the issue I had with her was. After doing so I immediately felt like there was some sort of weight was off my shoulders. I physically and mentally felt better. I had been holding resentment in my heart and mind for years and honestly I was shocked at how good I felt. Even though she apogilized and said she didn’t intend for her actions to affect me so deeply it really didn’t matter. It was just the act that I finally flicked away what was knawing at me for awhile. I feel healthier. I feel happier. And I wish I did it sooner. So today I learned that holding resentment in your heart is only going to hurt me. If it’s too difficult to let it go then the next best thing is communicating the negative feelings I have with the other parties involved. It’s not about them at all. It’s about throwing away all that is weighing me down.

Today I Learned it’s easy to take the easy way out. When i went back to college at the age of 22 I had the high ambition to major in computer science. Being a software engineer was something that appealed to me because of the problem solving skills and creativity it required. Though after having to take multiple developmental math courses I realized my poor aptitude for math. Because I had a poor aptitude for math I hated every second of it. I looked at all the math courses that I would have to take and I decided to not pursue a degree in computer science. I decided to try something a little more familiar. I choose Accountanting. Even though I have never met my father I was told he is an Accountant thus why shouldn’t I be an Accountant? Accounting requires a problem solving skillset which is mandatory for me. Though the reason why it wasn’t my first choice was because it’s not as exciting. Software engineering from my understanding requires one to figure out ways to solve unique problems. One could expressive themselves merely in the way they solved a problem. Accounting seems to me to be a little

less open. A little more cut and dry. And honestly a little more easy. The coursework in Accounting required far less complex math classes. I was sold, screw compsci. But today it dawned upon me out of nowhere that I was taking the easy way out. I set my aim lower to reduce the difficulty. Instead of rising to the task I sunk and became less than I could be. I stepped out of line in what I want my life to mean. I want my life to honestly showcase why one should never stop trying. So whatever university I transfer to my major will be computer science. I’m not going to let myself take the easy way out. If I do that with something like this then I’ll never get the best out of myself.

Today I Learned People get to big for themselves. Last Saturday I went over to my girlfriend’s apartment to help her move. Everything went smooth as usually. We hung out, talked and yadadada. It was only when we got to her new place and was in the presence of her roommate did I notice a change in her behavior in front of her roommate she became authoritative and disagreeable. I was shocked because of two reason. The first being that seldom did this girl ever behave in this manner with me before. There were small moments where she asserted herself obnoxiously but they were such little petty battles I conceded. The second reason why I was shocked was because this girl was acting as if she was commanding me to help her move. But in actuality I offered my help because I genuinely wanted to do so. It was really sad seeing her behave so poorly. Seeing her show her ugliest side. I became very unattracted to her. I grew very contentious towards her. But I held it all inside because I put myself in the situation. Instead of escalating the situation I sat quiet, observed, and just let her hang herself. I think she took this as a sign of weakness and continued to behave poorly. As I was helping her move her stuff she took the role as an overseer. It was just unfortunate. I used restrain and was very pleased to be done with the ordeal and head home. I find that type of behavior appualling. To act as if your owed the generosity of another person signals a strong sense of entitlement. Regardless of if your in a relationship with that person or not it seemed to be a poor choice to behave like you’re in control. I broke up with her. I told her that I was wasn’t very motivated to be in a relationship and I thought we would be better in the long term as friends.

Today I Learned I have to watch how I talked to people. I was at this new job I got the other day and the employer asked me to come in at 6am. I wanted to say no and I almost did but my plan was to leave this job as soon as I made enough for my tuition. It was a cashier posistion at a 7/11, I didn’t feel comfortable working here. I would be ashamed if any of my friends from high school had walked in and reaffirm their beliefs that I was a big stinky loser. So I came in to the job bright an early and I noticed that there was an extra coworker on shift. Somebody called the boss and he then tried to tell me that it was a miscommunication. I was very angry because I had worked 10 hours yesterday and had struggled to wake up early enough to ensure that I wouldn’t be late. Let alone I took an Uber there. I went off and expressed my anger through my tone and stern disagreement. As I did that felt my surrounding coworkers watch me as I challenged the boss vehemently. Once I realized the taboo I had made I caught myself and politely rescinded. I thought that was the end of it. I thought that everybody would forget my poor behavior and we would all move on. But that wasn’t the case. The next time I worked I realized there was a group effort to go against me. I was told instantly upon coming into to do the lowest job possible. At first I just stomached the passive insult. It was the way they talked to me that struck a never which made me ruble almost automatically. At first it was the assistant manger. Who made it obvious that he wanted to make me feel low because that was the side of the boss. After asking speak with him one on one he quickly apogilized for the way he talked to me. But unfortunately it wasn’t so easy with the boss. He was set on making me clean the entirety of my shift. And also making a fool of me in front of the customers. I tried to ignore it and I thought I could put up with it. But once I felt that the line was totally crossed I confronted the boss. He asserted that cleaning was apart of the job. I saw passed that and just told him that I this wouldn’t of worked out. I realize now that I have to watch how I talked to people especially people on authority posistions. This has happened before in different ways. I could of use the money I would of made at that job towards my paying off my tuition. But now I know I have to seriously use sir and mam. And try not to express anger at people higher up than me in places like work or school. It’s not worth the sense of peace of mind I get when I do so. I don’t want to miss out on any future activities because my inability to use restrain.

Today I learned that some things never change. I was at the post office today mailing some shit I sold on eBay and I ran into a good friend from high school. Cuz was always a lowkey chill good dude. I was pleased to find he still was a chill lowkey good guy. We reminisced about our high school days and how young we were. It was good seeing him again. He was in school and workin and just staying out the way. Even though now he visibly got older I still saw the same dude. I started thinking about myself and how even though I changed a lot I was still essentially the same guy. Years before I would go to the post office to ship shit I use to sell. I was always trying to sell something. I thought I was a whole businessman. So it seems to me that though my life will still continue to change it’s pretty much gonna be the same. Imma always be trying to come up. Imma always have a side hustle. It’s kind of comforting to know that. It gives me hope that things will get better. It makes me want to walk the honest path even more. Most of the time what is honest and true today is what is honest and true tomorrow. So if I’m honest with myself today I’ll enjoy the rare opportunity of having consistentcy in my words and actions throughout decades. Instead of turning into a totally new person I’ll just become more of who I really am.

Today I learned that I have to hold on as tight as possible. Earlier today at work I just wanted to say fuck it. Like honestly dealing with working the most hours I’ve ever had and dealing with passive aggressive coworkers then dealing with demanding customers I wanted to just walk off. I was thinking what was the point of this shit? To get an Accountanting job that I will surely grow to hate. My morale was low as fuck. I got into an arguement with my boss and was pretty much told that I could quit. Its these annoyance that build over time that make me want to call it in and change direction. This was the same feeling that deterred me from finishing up with school when I first had the chance to. It’s feeling like your trapped. It’s feeling like everybody is going to tell you what to do and you just have to suck it up. I can understand why the younger me rebelled and shirked anything that looked like a responsibility. But a more wiser me knows now that that half the battle is behind me. I know now that these mid points are where boys can become men. Even though it’s tough as shit right now this is a great opportunity to hold firmer than ever before. To follow through with the long term plan. To not give up and not wander off the path. It’s so annoying dealing with so much bullshit and rejection but the alternative is just living at home with Mom well into my late 20s. The higher a person’s stress tolerance is the better and longer they are able to just push through to the other side. I need to get to the other side. I need to move out and take full responsibility for myself. I need to put a large amount of distance between me and my family so I can get the best out of myself. I need to hold on as tight as possible.

Today I learned that most people are cowards. I’ve just been realizing the trend that I’ve seen with people getting disrespectful with me and then when I raise the stakes and get them alone they either play dumb or sheepishly apologize. It’s aggravating honestly. It makes me respect them less. It tells me that they will do something wrong and then childishly runaway from the justified consequences. .I know I’m playing a part though. There’s something that I’m doing, some way that I’m acting that is leading so many people to believe that I will tolerate disrespect. That I will be easily fooled. That all you have to do is smile change the subject and everything will be on good terms. When I think about why is it that I can’t find somebody who will own up to their disrespectful behavior I realize that people don’t have to fight as much in their day to day lives. Life for a lot of people has relatively low conflict and threat for physical violence. So why wouldn’t people turn cowardly when unexpectantly confronted? Even the tallest and brolliest people fall to rise when blindsided with possible physical combat. Courage like practically everything else has to consistently exercised. In a way being tormented by tyrants is a good thing because I get the consistent opportunity practice my courage.