Mbaacha

Today I learned that some us get too excited. I was watching a video of this guy who was standing at the mound screaming at the top of his lungs about utter nonsense. He had thrown together a concert and was talking about his struggles doing so and what he had to overcome to get to the point he is now. I couldn’t help but cringe watching that video because the guy had totally lost control of himself. He was sputtering whatever entered his mind. I began to grow ashamed at that video because I soon remembered moments in my life where I’ve made similar actions. I then began to cringe at myself. Some of us are born with the inclination to be less self aware. There have been many moments in life where I got far too involved with personal projects and neglected how I was coming across. I couldn’t see myself becuase I was too focused on developing the idea I was passionately working on. I suspect the guy in the video was bipolar and was having a manic episode. Just seeing him make a fool of himself really scared the hell out of me. Watching that video made me want to be more behind the scenes than ever. It made me want to be more reserved than ever before. I meditate to improve my self control but I think just to be extra extra cautious I’ll be even more out of the spot light. I’ve made a fool of myself so many times it’s ridiculous. I shudder at the thought of how I use to carry myself. Though there are benefits to being an excited person the drawbacks is a diminished social life. I use to mouth anything that came to mind with enthusiasm. The people I’d consider my friends at the time began to grow impatient with my low level of reserve. They even began to grow disgusted by it. I need to have a better social life and improving my self control is going to do that. Going forward I’m going to continue to mediate and do the most I can to keep myself out of the center of attention. I just have to accept that if things get out of hand I could be in the same posistion that guy was in. Humiliating myself and not even realizing it in the moment.

Today I learned that some of us our aiming down. At work today I got a complaint from a customer. She said I was being smart by appropriately answering her patronizing question. She first asked me what was my name in the way you would ask a small child. After pointing to my name tag she then asked how long have I been working at the place I’m working. I told her “long enough.” She took this indifferent answer and ran with it. She first told the pharmacist I was “getting smart.” Then later called corporate office. Today the store manager and the pharmacist talked about what I could of did. They said I should of given better customer service. It was not a big deal to me so i took the instruction and agreed. But later into the day the same lady walked by the pharmacy looking over at me in a boastful manner. That is went it was more obvious that her complaint wasn’t about me at all. She took this opportunity to express her misguided frustration. Then she returned to passively gloat about it. This is such a reoccurring aspect in my life. It seems like so many people I’m in direct contact with are aiming down. Coworkers, family members, acauintences, just people in general. I try not to let it bother me too much but sometimes enough is enough. But I can understand how tough life can be. Becoming bitter would be the default for someone who hasn’t chosen to live a life of meaning. How many people choose to live a life of meaning? Not enough. I just find it frustrating because it situations where I’m trying to hold firm on what I want the meaning of my life to be someone comes along and does something petty which makes me loosen my grip a little. It makes me angry and want to involve myself in meager squabbles for “honor.” Dealing with somebody who is aiming down increases my chance of aiming down. But that type of behavior isn’t fit for me. I would be severely let down if I were to find out my son decided to let the world around him turn into another bitter person. I want my son to be somebody who powers through all the resentment, betrayal, bitterness, and all that. I want my son to be somebody who perpetually sims upwards. So that’s who I have to be. I can’t let the bitter majority stain my mindset and my meaning. I can do more for them by trying to live up to the standard I set for myself.

Today I learned when your in it it feels like forever. I’ve been putting in hours trying to earn as much I can to pay off tuition fees. This has been my longest summer ever and I really feel that it’s because I’m working towards a singular goal. I thought about this concept watching a video of a 14 year kid talking about how his dad was harassing him and how he couldn’t wait to leave. He talked about how the four years until he turned 18 felt like forever. It seems like when your knee deep in some hardship the clock slows down. Especially at work. Everytime I’m at work it feels like ages before the half of the shift is completed. I’m not sure why it’s like this. But a lot of times when I’ve looked back at periods in my life what I thought was a long time sped by quickly with retrospect. High School went by faster than I thought it would. I remember the first day and the last day. Though I was two completely different people at each starting point before my eyes were really open it was off to the next chapter. My four years of irresponsibility between ages 18 to 22 went by way to fast. But in the middle of that period I would of told you I’ve been doing what I was doing for a long period of time. My sense of time has changed. What I use to think was a long period of time is pretty short. But when chopping away at something it feels like the end will never come. But that’s just not the way it really is. After I gather all the money I need to pay off school I’m gonna look back and say to myself that wasn’t a long period of time. I only think it’s taking forever because I’m checking my watch everyday. Im counting the days down one by one. I’m looking at things in the micro rather than in the macro. I just have to remember that it feels like it’s taking forever but the pace is going as fast as it should. It’s going as fast as it can. All I have to worry about is making the most of what I got. Sooner or later I’ll admit that the time went by faster than I thought it did.

Today I learned how effective taking micro breaks is. As I said early I’m going to be more consistent with all my positive habits. I’m doing this because I notice a dramatic positive change in the long term. For example I’m more willing to fight in moments of confrontation because I have a daily habit of preparing for fights. But the thing I’ve notice is that doing so something with high repeption fatigues the interest in the action. I’ve found myself less inclined to do all my positive habitats after a couple days of consistently doing them. There are even days where I have to strain my discipline to fully complete my routine. I thought about how I was going to combat this problem in order to maintain long term consistency. The answer became obvious when I thought about how deal with school work. Whenever I’m working on my school shit I just do it in 25 minute intervals. If I’m studying I’ll study for 25 minutes then take 5 minute break and probably listen to music. Then I’ll go back to studying for another 25 minutes. I’ll do about four 25 minute intervals then I’ll take a bigger break. This way of working is called the Pomerado technique. It’s been very effective for me and is one of the reasons why I’m this far in school right now. The idea behind it is to get you in a comfortable pocket of concentration. Right before you have to strain to stay focus you interval is over and you get to take a break. Thinking about how well that has worked for me and how obvious it is as to how it would be so effective I think the same would go for in the macro. I think if I just aim at four days of consistency then reward myself with a day off of discipline then I’ll be able to stay in a comfortable pocket and be more inclined to be consistent in the long haul. I’ve aimed at living a life of militarylike discipline before but I fell off the routine because I saw no end in sight. I got bored and annoyed by the self imposed hardship. I told myself the reward was down the road but the road was too far insight. I think this method of 4 days of consistent routine with 1 day of reward is gonna make a big difference.

Today I learned that I need to suffer in silence. Looking back this summer I’m dissapointed in the way I went about raising money for my tuition. Though the intent was pure I would of did it differently. Walking up to people’s homes, knocking on their doors, and asking for money is extremely obnoxious. It’s poor behavior. And I won’t ever act like that again. I think it’s very important to know when to reach out for help. I think it’s a sign of maturity when you accept that you can’t do it all alone. But with a lot of things it’s the way you do it that can have the most effect on the outcome. From the start I should of did what I’m doing now and write a well thought out letter. Explaining my situation. Explaining why I didn’t take school seriously the first couple tries and why I’m going to school now. Writing a letter and leaving it in their mailbox allows the potential donor to genuinely think it over whether or not they want to help out rather than having me pressuring them just with my presence. I was listening to a podcast about a guy talking about he difficult it was taking of his daughter when she was younger because she was born with serious health problems. Hearing him express such agony really effected me. It got me thinking what have I ever been through that is 1/4 as of serious as that? My life has its challenges but it’s still a remarkable dream when you think about. But having a sick kid is everybody’s worst nightmare. Hearing how much pain it caused that guy made me feel ashamed at how I was so open with my small suffering. Instead of taking it like a man I made it everybody’s business. Like I said it’s imperative to know when you need to ask for help. But their is a delicate balance in knowing when to just shut up and deal with it. Next time when I’m dealing with something and I truly need help I’ll ask in a discreate and concise manner not by obnoxiously presenting myself to strangers and bothering them with my problems.

Today I learned that people won’t forget. I was at work the other day and I serendipitously answered a phone call from a previous supervisor. It was funny that this occurred becuase I sent all my former supervisors a text humbly asking for a donation to my Gofundme for me school shit. This guy completely ignored the text like the majority of the people I reached out to. Within seconds I knew exactly who I was talking to. I seized the opportunity and brought up how he ignored my text. I would of respected him if he would just replied no. But to carry on about his day with out giving it notice really dissapointed me. This is somebody I worked with for a little under a year. I would of expect the man to just have the decency to just say he wouldn’t donate. As I began to bring up my reasoning behind texting him the Gofundme link he tried to change the subject but I held firm to my point. He just continued to gloss over it. It made me angry. It made me feel like he wasn’t an authentic person. From my perspective he now seemed to be somebody who would do the wrong thing in darkness and try to get away with it. Everybody has that desire in them and it sucks when it overpowers us. After I realized that he had no serious interesting in communicating I pass the phone to my coworker so the purpose of the call could be fufilled. That experience taught me that people won’t forget. A person I shirked away when they asked for help is always going to have that memory. Things can be let go. But the memory will forever last. With the passage of time everybody by random chance will get an opportunity to take their revenge. And if your somebody like me who is constantly workering to be more compotent and to be more stronger. Sooner or later you’ll topple over the people who oppressed you. So I have to be fair because with enough time the shoe is always gonna be in the other foot.

Today I learned that long term consistency is rewarded by change. From watching the growth of my podcast and the parralleling development of my character. And from watching how I achieved my goals last summer it is so obvious now that being consecutive over an extended period of time brings out change. I most recently recall this from just trying to loose some weight last summer. I just went to the gym daily for a month and some weeks and the change I was aiming at came to be. It wasn’t rocket science though. My consistent cardio and weight training was something my body wasn’t use to so some change had to occur. Most recently I saw this idea into play with this podcast. Though I’m still at a very low amount of listeners I can notice a change in my statistics. There was a period where i had to promote each episode to ensure that people will listen to it but now the podcast has a few number of dedicated listeners. I can only attribute that to my long term consistency. The format of the podcast has been the same for the past 8 months. Long term consistency is rewarded by change. But long term consistency is rare. It takes not only mindfulness but also a strong sense of dedication. An “all in” mindset for as long as it takes. Most importantly it takes patience. That’s what I’m learning with my school shit for sure. I want to just finish now. I want to just take the fastest way out. But there’s no shortage of time. It just about being patient. But at this point I want to win so bad. I want to be somebody who never stops trying. I’ve seen the benefits already. Working daily on a goal with a long term mindset and then having the patience to stick in their lifts you up amoungst the masses. I have to improve my consistency.

Today I learned that people try to make you the scapegoat. I was at work today and some customer had an issue with the way things were going with her prescription. She didn’t like all the bureaucracy and felt she was being treated unfairly. Later in the day she called the pharmacy to ask for the corporate office. I just so happened to pick up the phone and did my best to assist in a detached manner. I felt that was the best approach because I didn’t handle her prescription and frankly didn’t want to ramp up the situation by being elusive with her. But complying with her questions annoyed my coworkers. They saw that as me being a tattletail or a snitch. Though the answers to her questions were public knowledge. If somebody asks me questions that they can get from 5 other sources I don’t objectively see that as being a tattletail. But my supervisor took that opportunity to make me the bad guy. And sternly told me to not give out his name. When his name was on the wall🤔. After thinking about the situation it became obvious that I was made a scapegoat. After consistently challenging my supervisor about how giving out his name was something I did before and how I offered him the opportunity to speak with the customer he backed down. I lost some morale because had I not challenged him then my identity as a scapegoat would confine. When the shit hits the fan people need somebody to be the bad guy. People need somebody who is going to take the blame. Just the mere fact of consistently having the finger pointed at you and being made the blame increases my chances of becoming s bad guy. Today at work I didn’t something I shouldn’t of done out of bitter frustration. My reasoning was that since I was wronged I’ll wrong the whole thing quietly. But that isn’t somebody who never stops trying. Somebody who never stops trying detaches themselve from the wrong doing in order to keep himself unpoisoined. That’s why it’s so important for me to tell myself who I am and not let the world tell me first. People want me to be foolish, irresponsible, and underdeveloped. But by having a standard for myself I can avoid playing right into their hands. Today I learned that people will try to make me the scapegoat. I have to be prepared for that. I have to be willing to fight for myself. I have to be honestly somebody who want to live his life as a person who Never Stops Trying. That’s how I’ll keep myself unpoisoined by bitterness and frustration. That is also how I’ll keep myself stronger than cowards.

Today I learned that being honest with myself is the best long term strategy. From watching myself be internally dishonest and watching people I know be dishonest with themselves I learned that it is something that will undoubtedly lead to a crashing burning failure. In the moments we’re I lied to myself and thought that I could do two things at once and pursue my dream and still pass my classes I ended up wasting time and money and looking utterly foolish. I was half pregnant and I knew it every step of the way. Every time finals would come I would just bail because I knew I wasn’t prepared and there was a lot of shame in doing that but I was able to conceal it though only temporarily. It seems that when your dishonest with yourself your just buying time. Eventually everybody is going to know the thing you did when nobody was looking. It’s going to be something you can’t even hide. It’s going to be gigantic and ignorable. It might envelope you so much that your desparately grabbing anyone near to save you from sinking further and further downward. Being brutally honest with myself is the antitdote for that. Being brutally honest with myself is the surest way I’ll avoid ending up in a smouldering flame of willful neglect. The people that can look at the mirror and pull out the lie they’ve been carrying for sometime are able to move through life lighter. They are able to walk straight forth. Not pace in circles or zig zag for years. It’s not that being brutally honest bring out perfection but it is my understanding that being totally honest brings out far more meaning than otherwise. So to avoid a pathetic desperate Hell the best thing I can do is be brutally honest with myself.

Today I learned that your never alone. Having that phone conversation with my uncle really made me understand that. I initially didn’t want to go to any of my family members for money because I suspected that I would get rejected and thus let down. And for the most part that is what happened. But hearing him shout that from the bottom of my his heart really drove it home. I didn’t just come out of nowhere. I came from out of a group of people. And even though some of those people have bitterness and resentful feelings towards me they still love me and want to see me win. It might seem like I’m alone. With so many Friday and Saturday nights spent in my bedroom. But even still I have friends that even though they don’t completely understand my past behavior they want me to do better for myself. That even though their weirded out by all my antics they want to see more of me. I thought I was alone for such a long time. But now with retrospect I choose to be alone. I choose isolation because I felt like I didn’t fit in. Only to now understand that I fit in anywhere on God’s Earth. The people that try to make me feel like I don’t fit in can fight me one on one. It’s easier now more than ever for me to feel like I’m alone. Scrolling through Instagram everyday and seeing people smiling in groups makes me wonder why I’m not in that group? Why wasn’t I thought of when plans were being made to get together? And though the answer to those questions are sharp and painful it is now obvious more than ever that you’re never alone. I’m more wedged in with other people than ever before. We’re always online. We always read each other’s tweets, or see each other’s Instagram post. Maybe I don’t get as much likes or retweets as I’d like but the effect is the same. When somebody reads my tweets they get a piece of me. When somebody views my ig post they get a piece of me. That piece affects them more than one would think. Especially on a repeated long term basis. I’m never alone. It’s easy to think that nobody would miss me if I was gone. It’s easy to think that nobody wants me to win. But the reality is quite the opposite. There are more people than I’d let myself believe that want to see more of me and that honestly want to see me hoist the trophy. There are people that are always going to try to make me feel like I’m alone. The second I start to believe that and let bitterness and resentfulness take over is when I’ll never get the best out of myself.