Mbaacha

Today I Learned how easy it is for me to become a sell out. I was texting particular people about donating to my college fund. And one person I texted responded very angrily. My older cousin was upset with me because she felt that I was guilting her by consistently texting her about raising money for school. As soon as I read that message I apologize becuase she was so right. I’m a salesmen and I know how to communicate things indirectly. I know how to jazz things up in the right way. I think I know how to evoke emotion and sell a story or a product. So her telling me that I was guilting her was only the truth. I thought about how I let myself do that. How did I let the sleezy salesman part of me take control? It’s because I got to obsessed with my goal of paying off my tuition. Paying off my tuition bill to me is more than just getting my transcript and transferring to University. Paying off my tuition bill means to me that I can finally become independent from by Mom by moving out of her house with the intent to never comeback to live. I feel like I’ve been here too long. I feel embarrassed when other family members come to visit and they see me still living at home. But being very motivated to claim my delayed manhood isn’t a good reason to use cheap tactics in order to get money. That is the behavior of a sell out. A person who discards their integrity and self respect for short term gain. I’ve behaved like that numerous times before. I became a clown when deep down I knew that behavior was beneath me. I knew that I could do more than just make people laugh to get them to like me. My past behavior still bothers me. I frequently shudder when I reluctantly remember how poorly I use to carry myself. But I know if I change my behavior people will eventually forgive me. I can’t sell out any longer. I told myself that I was only soliciting donations from these people because they showed a willingness to help. But honestly I’m on track to pay off the tuition so I don’t necessarily need them to donate. It’s easy for someone like me to become a sellout. But I can’t let that happen. That’s way only leads to self disgust. I get excited and I get obsessed with achieving particular things. But that’s not a good reason to discard my integrity and self respect.

Today I Learned I gotta take it seriously. I crack jokes all the time and I think that is the reason why I’m usually in a good mood. But it’s now dawned upon me that always cracking jokes isn’t the best way I could conduct myself. Even though having a well developed sense of humor has gotten me through a lot I’ve sometimes laughed off things I shouldn’t of laughed off. I’ve laughed off behaving poorly just to cope with the embarassement when I catch myself. I’ve laughed off aggression from other people because I wasn’t courageous enough to directly confront them. In times were it was necessary to push pass nervousness and man up I just laughed to conceal my anxiety. It’s a bad habit. Laughing things off was a way for me gloss over the black truths. Thinking about it more not being as serious as I should of been resulted in me wasting a lot of opportunities to move forward. Dropping out of school to become a rapper is clichè and silly. Thinking that every girl that rejects me is totally wrong is kinda silly. Expecting people to forget my past and give me the respect I want is kind of silly. Being more serious is going to put in a better posistion to get to where I want to go. Being more serious is going help me fully utilize the opportunities that are right in front of me.

Today I learned we over indulge. I started my job at this restaurant around my house. They asked me to be one of the servers. So there I was behind trays of hot steaming food prepared to serve anyone who presented an empty plate in front of me. I didn’t mind being the male equivalent of a lunch lady. It’s a fairly easy job that is helping me pay off my tuition. But what I noticed as I was dispensing scoops of macaroni and cheese and tongs of salmon cake is that when people like something they over indulge in it. The most sought after food was crab legs. People would come back as much as they could for crab legs. I was at first annoyed by why people were so pressed to get freaking crabs legs. Like how good can they be? But I now realize that it’s not necessarily the crab legs itself it’s the pleasure that the food itself stimulates. It’s now obvious to me that when people find some sort of stimuli pleasurable. They’ll max out on it. I can see that truth just by looking at myself and how frantic I was about Oreo cookies, particular songs, and even producing podcast. I use to have an obsession with Oreo cookies when I was 18. I would eat an entire tray all by myself. It was weird because this addiction came out of nowhere. I’m the same way with certain songs. When I find a song I like I’ll play it over and over. I play the song until I no longer find it pleasurable. I max out. I’m trying to not do so much of that with my podcast. I derive pleasure from producing podcast and their something in me that wants to do it all the time. But I don’t want to completely max out and thus not want to do it anymore. By design humans will irrationally engorge themsemles with whatever they find pleasurable. By default if we really get a positive stimuli from something we will go over board. But that is fantastic news to someone who wants to be more of a producer than he is a consumer. Watching so many different people act so irrationally for crab legs made me want to create a product that people love so much that they can’t remove themselves from it. I have to make products. Whether electronic products or physical products either way. When people love something they will over indulge and in that moment is where fortunes can be made.

Today I learned that nothing stands still. I was talking to a teacher of mine from high school and as I was talking to him it became obvious that he wasn’t exactly in a great space. Though he didn’t overtly say it I got the feeling that things weren’t going well for him and he was looking for guidance because of that. It was strange honestly to have somebody I look at as a mentor look to me for guidance. I did my best to reassure him that everybody has ups and downs. What bothered me though was that he wasn’t conducting himself as strong as I once knew him to be. I remember him being an energetic, encouraging, disciplinarian. He conducted his class with a lot of passion which made me more interested in the subject matter. Even after high school I would randomly see him and he still maintained that youthful spirit. But somewhere along the way that strengthen and zeal I saw in him seems to have vanished. From talking to him briefly it seemed like he was confused about the future. It made me sad but it taught me that nothing stands still. Great men can fall. I’m not exactly sure how he lost his strength. But I know exactly how I lost my strength. Through no discipline I became the worst version of myself. Through not consistently challenging myself my confidence, determination, and even intellect diminished. I let my impulses dominate my common sense. From that experience I see everything now as either slowly growing or slowly dying. If I don’t use it I loose it. If I don’t use the courage to ask shorty out then that courage dies a little bit. If I choose not to take ten minutes to read a couple pages then I get a little dumber. If I fail to plan and set goals for the day ahead then I get a little bit off course. I shudder at where one can be when bad habits have been practiced for decades. Nothing stands still. I’m either getting stronger or weaker. I’m either getting smarter or dumber. The way I can ensure avoiding being weaker and dumber is just perpetual discipline.

Today I learned that you're gonna get lucky. I got a text today from an employer today asking me to come in to interview. I went in with the best intentions. Getting another job would increase my chances of paying off tuition and moving out. As the interview was being carried out it became clear that they needed someone pronto and I would fit right in. It’s a small job at a restaurant so it’s not anything special. But the fact that I was able to secure a job in this critical moment is something to think about. It seems obvious to me that by setting a goal and moving forward with the goal you satisfy the goals of others all by pursuing your own goal. I have extra hours to spare and could use some more cash so I put in an application at a local small restaurant. The manager of the restaurant needed somebody to work this Sunday and was happy to see my application. This idea that moving forward with my own goals benefits the world around me makes sense. Nothing occurs in a vacuum. People have wants and needs that need to be satisfied and their is much more of the world than there is of me. It just seems like if your making swift pace with your goals your gonna catch lucky breaks. Just by proximity and speed. Had I not seriously got into goal setting I would of never thought about submitting my application for this local restaurant job. This idea is kind of encouraging. Though I shouldn’t ever depend on wishful thinking it’s something to keep in the back of my mind that I’ll get lucky now and then. That’s not an excuse to be irresponsible or unprepared. But it’s motivating to know that just becuase were all complexly interconnected me pursuing my goals serendipitously aligns me with fulfilling the goals of others.

Today I learned things are defined by their limitations. I’m on the last chapter of Jordan Peterson’s ‘12 Rules For Life’ and in this chapter he’s talking the fragility of life. How within a moment it can all go to hell. How somebody you love could get sick, how your marriage can end, and all other horrible things could occur. He went on to describe life as a continuum of positive and negative experiences. We’re if their were no limitations on life and only positive experiences could occur than that wouldn’t exactly be what we call life. He goes on to explain how limitations also open up for a near infinite variety of choices. A good example would be the game of chess even though their are constraints their are far more choices for movements than either player could possibly need. Another thing he delves upon is the act of striving against limitations, he frames this as Becoming. This aspect of that idea resonated with me the most. It seems like many who are most limited, constrained, or marginalized find a way pass their limitations and invariably creating more than enough choices of expression. It’s the old story of the poor boy becomes the rich man. Or the underdog becomes the top dog. Being somebody who is financially limited I can vouch that constraints makes one more creative. Their are certain things one has to get done whether they have the money or not. If you don’t have the money then you just to freak it😂. So today I learned that things are defined by their limitations. Life wouldn’t be life without a fair share of positive and negative experiences. I also learned today that limitations spur a near infinite variety of choices and that when one strives against limitations they subsequently open up more and more variety of choices.

Today I learned I have to put first things first. Upon talking with my Uncle about my tuition bill he told me that he would foot the bill. I was very overjoyed hearing that because it meant that I could now divert my finances to saving up for 1st month and a security deposit. Moving to a different environment is something I’ve been looking forward to. I’m kind of embarrassed that I’ve lived at home for so long. About two weeks went by and I got a phone call from my Uncle basically telling me that he would only be able to pay the bill dangerously close to the deadline. At first I didn’t mind this. I was dead set on gathering enough money to move out to an area closer to the school I’d be going to. I was now more focused on moving out than securing the reason why I would move ourt. But it was only last night that it dawned upon me that I wasn’t being as responsible as I could. Though my Uncle has offered to pay the remainder of the tuition bill it is still ultimately my responsibility to see that it gets paid. And since he has told me that he will be only able to pay on a couple days before the deadline I should just be proactive and just shave off as much it as I can. I don’t want to leave myself vulnerable. I don’t want to rely on my Uncle and then end up becoming bitter against him. It was so easy for me to transfer the responsibility to him and focus on doing something more interesting. It’s always like that. The things that I should do first are far less appealing, they take longer time, and their more difficult to complete. But once they are completed the hardest part is over. Then it’s smooth sailing, then it’s doing things that are a little more interesting. The best way to achieve my goals is to put first things first. The boring, difficult, time consuming things should be the highest priority because those are most likely the most signicant task. Pushing them back more and more will only waste time and create unnecessary suffering.

Today I Learned I should go all in for love. I’ve never been a relationship type of person. With the past girlfriends I’ve had I didn’t take the majority of those relationships seriously. Apart of the reason for that was emotional immaturity. Another reason was that I grew up in a single parent home thus that was my norm. The past two years I got a little more serious about being in a relationship. I put myself out their more consistently and gain some success. But I just wasn’t satisfied with what I was getting so I told myself that I would earn more success and noterity than return to the dating market. Though it seems to be the case that men with more success and noterity have an easier time with getting quality women it’s not nessarily the only way. So for me to say I’m taking myself off the dating market for the next 5 to 7 years is impractical and cowardly. Especially when both can be done simultaneously. One can work towards distinguishing success and still date quality women. I always knew this in the back of my mind. The only gripe I had was that it takes mr awhile to find quality women who have equal amount of interest in me. So I would constantly grow tired of rejection and just said to hell with it and stopped actively looking. But today after letting an opportunity to explore a new relationship go all becuase of timidness I realized that I wasn’t all in with my pursuit of finding love. I was all in on pushing my life forward as far as my career goes but not all in as far as finding someone I’d want to tie myself with. And I’ve always been like that. Pursuing business ideas or making music have always trumped operating a relationship and it probably always will. It was something about being totally responsible for the relationship and the other person that didn’t appeal to me. But I don’t want to get myself caught in the cliche of the successful person with no love life or family life. That is a hell waiting just for me. That’s not the life of somebody who never stops trying. I want a full life for myself. That’s why it is necessary that I take finding somebody I want to partner with just as seriously as my career as an entrepreneur. I need to go all in for love the entirety of my life. Searching with zeal in brief moments of motivation is a recipe for frustration and dissapointment. There are going to be failures and publicly embarrassing moments but I’ll learn and become stronger from all of it. As long as I apply my mindset of whatever it takes to my love life I’ll find a quality person were the feeling is mutual.

Today I Learned I need to tolerate the dull days. This entire summer I’ve pretty much commited to earning as much money as possible to finance my education. At first I was upset with the sacrifice I had to make. I stopped working on music while during school to ensure I passed all my classes. During the semester I was looking forward to spending the entire summer making songs. But when I realized that the time would be better spent earning money I was very upset. I felt like I was sacrificing too much. I had already went two years without seriously making songs now i could foresee another year of holding out to be more practical. I felt it wasn’t fair. But honestly I’m at the point we’re whatever it takes is whatever I’ll give. I can’t stay another second in my mom’s home. I want to ensure that when I leave I leave permantly. I’ve made the mistake before of leaving home without having a clear cut plan of what I would be doing to make a living in the long term. I left to only come back for another three years. I’ve come to realize that life hasn’t been all that much exciting. The vast majority of my time is spent working. It really irks me. When I was working on music all the time I had no issue with the mundaness of my life at the time because I was having fun and felt like things could turn around. But with school it feels like I’m just gonna burry myself deeper and deeper into a mundane life filled with responsibility and meaning but lacking of zest and intimacy. The thing I’ve come to terms with is that school is temporary and that one day I’ll be back to making music and feel like overnight things could change.

Today I learned that I have to cherish incremental growth. For awhile I was stoked as I began to start seeing changes in my life. I really enjoyed the fact that standing up for myself and embracing confrontation wasn’t such a hard thing anymore. I really enjoyed the fact that I was passing all my classes and finally could see a feasible path to moving out of my mom’s home. And I certainly enjoyed the fact that I was getting more female attention compared to what I got in the previous years. But there was something in me that began to compare my minor successes with the grand slam wins of others I consider peers. I began to grow dismayed that the girls I was dealing with weren’t half as attractive as the girls my friends were dealing with it. The joy of completing junior college got thwarted when I began to realize that people younger than me had already graduated University. And even though standing up for myself wasn’t a big issue anymore there were still some people that I couldn’t work myself up quickly enough to escalate the situation. So even though I had become more than I was I realized that I hadn’t come that far. I started to not appreciate the progression I made. Instead of cherishing my incremental growth so far in many ways I neglected it and let some of it rot. Today it dawned upon me that incremental growth is the surest way things develop. In many areas it’s the only way things developed. Slowly but surely. A little here a little there. Almost taking too much time for the unwatchable eye to notice. But building something over time that grows incrementally whether it’s better character or a pathway to a better job seems now to me the best way to do it. But sometimes it hard for me to appreciate the process becuase the gains are so small. But I honestly feel like if I stay in line with the disciplines the gains will compound over time. I can’t ignore the small steps forwards I’ve made so far because the next action is to then not take the disciplines seriously and then recede farther than where I started. I have to cherish the incremental growth because even with hardwork there is no law that promises change. I have to be thankful for that and do all I can to keep pouring it on. The tortoise won the race not the hair.