MercyTalk

Hey everyone, welcome to Mercy talk! We are in the very last episode of our “How to Deal with Difficult People” series and it has been an interesting ride to say the least. Today we’re not backing off and we’re gonna be talking about “The Manipulator”. Most of us know how we feel when we’re in this kind of relationship but just so we’re on the same page, the dictionary’s definition of a manipulator is, “a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way.”

This behavior is really something we’ve seen in all the types we’ve talked about this month. So, whether it’s playing the victim or trying to control the decisions of others, manipulative people all hate one thing…honest communication. Other things to be aware of here are “gaslighting” (a manipulators game in causing someone to question their own sanity) and even elaborate gifts and favors with hidden strings attached. These are red flags to notice when you start to feel unsafe and that someone isn’t respecting your boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, Mercy is a firm believer that they are absolutely essential not only for healthy relationships but also to protect us from unhealthy ones. We often refer to the book by the same name, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and highly encourage everyone to read it.

It should also be noted that these conversations are not irrelevant from within the church. People whom you look up to and trust may try to twist and make things sound more spiritual in order to get you to do what they want. However, this is called spiritual abuse and is not from God or His desire for you. If you think you may be in a place where spiritual abuse is taking place, seek help from a professional, licensed, Christian counselor. Other ways to protect yourself are:

As we wrap up this series, we hope you found practical and encouraging tools to dealing with difficult people in relationships. While others can currently do things to hurt us, we also play a role in our own mental, physical and emotional health. Until next time, have a great week!

Well hey everyone! If you’re joining us for the first time, we’re in the 4th installment of our “Dealing with Difficult People “series. Today, we’re focusing on how to deal with, “The Victim” mentality in a relationship. This one is a little sneaky because at first glance, “The Victim” seems harmless…I mean, they aren’t bulldozing over anyone, and often times, their weapon of choice is a pity party. However, the victim mindset plays into the idea that they are the innocent ones and everyone else is the cruel offender, responsible for all the pain in their life.

Because we love practicality here at Mercy, we wanted to take a look at how this can affect our relationships. For easy reference, here are some phrases you might hear when dealing with a person who views the world through this sort of lens (or maybe you’re struggling with this yourself).

The other thing to remember when dealing with a victim mentality, is that it does not like taking responsibility. Instead, it blames everyone and everything around them. This can become especially manipulative in a relationship when someone playing the role of the victim, continually paints the other person as the bad guy. Then, they use their verbal “pity party” as a weapon to get the other person to rescue them or do whatever they want them to do.

So how can we take responsibility and NOT enable a victim? How can we lovingly set boundaries with those who struggle to take ownership of their actions? The secret here lies in not identifying ourselves as their “savior”. Often times, those struggling with a victim mentality, attract people who enjoy helping others…so much so that these people think it’s their job to save a victim from all of their hurt, pain and problems. However, no human is able to play this role successfully. It also prevents someone with a victim mentality from developing their own confidence, goals and a healthy sense of self worth and ambition in life. If everyone else is responsible for their issues, they will never take any action to get help.

We hope you found today’s episode helpful! If you have any comments, concerns, or new ideas for podcast content in the future, please feel free to send that to us at [email protected].

We’re so excited you’ve joined us for the 3rd week of our series, “How to Deal with Difficult People”. If you haven’t had a chance to listen to the first 2 episodes, go back and listen because there are some really practical tools you can use in your own relationships (as well as utilize for your own self-awareness). But todays behavior is gonna be a little different because this behavior is much harder to tolerate. The other 2 issues we’ve covered (“The Know it All” and “Friendly Sniper”) can for the most part, be ignored or “tolerated”. However, today, we’re going to cover a behavior that is not only incredibly obvious but also destructive…we’re talking about, the “steamroller

So, most of us can relate to having someone like this in our lives or having had experienced with someone like this at work, school, etc. However, just like the other types we’ve talked about, there’s always more underneath the surface than what we think. Going back to the tree and its fruit and the roots that we discuss in KTF, environments/experiences and hurts can all lead to these types of behaviors in others and even ourselves.

Here’s the million-dollar question (and whole point of this series btw) …how do we deal with this type of behavior? Especially when it can be so aggressive in nature…how do we respond to someone who’s belittling us, bullying us and wielding their power to influence our behavior to do what they want us to do?

The best place to start, is with a deep breath (Proverbs 17:27 He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.) Yes, breathing deep and staying calm is the best place to start. Raising your voice, interrupting and getting visibly upset, only excites the “Steam Roller” and they aren’t afraid of a fight. The key here, is to stand firm, calm and confident. If they’re bent on berating you, wait until they’re finished and then say something like, “when you’re ready to let me speak (without interrupting), I’d be happy to finish”. Or phrases like, “when your voice is as calm as mine, I’d be more than willing to finish our conversation”. Peaceful, yet firm statements create safe boundaries between you and the other person because you are no longer willing to yield to their threats or intimidating tone. Also, never feel guilty about leaving the scene until the other party can speak cordially.  Just remember, staying calm doesn’t mean you have to put yourself in an unhealthy/unsafe position.

It’s also important to note that ignoring or accepting the other persons behavior, isn’t going to work either. It we never communicate our boundaries; it sends the message to the “steamroller” that they can treat us anyway they’d like with no responsibility. It also fosters anxiety, low self-worth and a victim mentality that does not serve us well in addressing the issues at hand. All this to say, learning how to calmly, yet firmly handle oneself in the face of confrontation, is something we need to cultivate. Running away or screaming in retaliation, just doesn’t work very well.

As we close out today, most of the conversation has centered around the “steamroller” in the verbal sense (especially at work).  However, we also want to point out that these types of behaviors can easily cross over into abuse. If you or someone you love is in a situation that is emotionally or physically unsafe, please do not suffer in silence and seek help immediately.

In this episode, we’ll be looking at the “Know it All” and why staying curious in the conversation, is the secret weapon to defusing frustration. Also, in this episode :

Welcome back to Mercytalk! We just kicked off our new series called, “How to Deal” and we’re talking about 5 different behaviors that most of us have had some sort of experience in dealing with (or struggled with ourselves) and how to address them in healthier ways.  Our prayer for this series is to openly talk about these issues instead of wishing they’d just disappear OR fix themselves. The truth is, we all need to look at where we’ve possibly played a role in unhealthy behaviors with our relationships and where we need to set boundaries.  As adults, no one is going to set healthy boundaries for us. That’s a decision we need to make for ourselves and as we move forward in this topic, you’ll hear us continually come back to this idea of boundaries.

This segways us perfectly into our next relational topic of the series, “The Know it All”. If you’ve had any experience in this area, you know it can feel like an exhausting competition of sorts. Often times, whatever you just said was either ignored, belittled, “one-up’d”. We’re also gonna share some tips for having better self-awareness to avoid this same behavior.

The “Know it All” can be explained as someone who thinks their experience, story or answer is always the right one and dismisses the input of others. As we dive into this topic, it’s also important to talk about why someone might feel like they are a “Know it All”. Just like we spoke about last month with the “Entitlement Cure”, a “Know it All” usually has an environment that shaped the way they relate to those around him/her. We talk about this all the time at Mercy but getting to the root of the issue (instead of just the annoying behavior), is key even in the smaller areas of life.

Now, this is something no-one likes to consider as a problem within themselves. So, before we talk about practical ways to deal with this behavior in others, here are some warning signs that you may be acting like a “Know It All”

These are helpful things to consider before having a conversation with someone else. Jesus said it perfectly in Matthew 7:3

Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First, acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend.

Now, let’s talk about practical ways we can defuse our frustration with “know it alls”. Hopefully, by this point in the conversation, we have more compassion for these individuals and know several factors have helped to influence the way they’re behaving. So, what to do? Well, one very important thing to note is that the more defensive, excited and offended you allow yourself to become, the more a “know it all” will fight back. It’s a challenge they will gladly accept so take a deep breath and know that you don’t have to “win” anything here. You don’t even have to have the last word.

There’s a lady by the name of Mel Robbins who wrote a book called the “5 Second Rule” (talks a lot about dealing with procrastination/worry/anxiety) but she offers 3 tips for dealing with a “Know it All” that are really helpful. They are:

We hope you’ve found today’s episode not only encouraging but incredibly practical. If you have any comments, concerns or ideas for future podcasts, feel free to send all feedback to us at [email protected]. Join us back here next week for more Mercytalk!

This month on Mercy Talk, we’ll be welcoming special guest Jenn Otero as we dive into our theme, “How to Deal”. In “How to Deal”, we’ll be looking at 5 difficult, yet common behaviors we often encounter in relationships and how to deal with them in healthier ways. In the first installment of this series, we’ll take a look at the “Friendly Sniper” and talk about creating safe boundaries with those who pick on others as a means of deflecting their own pain. Also, in this episode…

Well hello everyone! We are so excited about this new month and even more excited for a new series because we have a very special guest joining us this month, Jen Otero! Jen is no stranger to our Mercy family and brings so much depth, grace, and honesty wherever she goes…we’re pumped to have her! This month, we’ll be talking about some behaviors in relationships that range all the way from abrasive, to annoying… some even detrimental. At the end of the day though, all of these make it hard to maintain a healthy relationship with another person. The crazy thing is, many of us have gotten so used to these behaviors, that we either tolerate them (and get upset when things don’t improve), OR we assume they’re normal and accept the unhealthy behaviors as standard. If you haven’t experienced the 5 types of people we’ll be discussing this month, you will at some point in time. So, listen up because we’ll be focusing on ways to set healthy boundaries and practical tips for “how to deal” with these types of behaviors in any relationship.

So today, we’re gonna start with behavior that many of us might blow off as “no big deal” (or at least something we just need to toughen up and take) but what we’re talking about today is the “Friendly Sniper”. Maybe you’re like, “what in the world?! What’s a ‘friendly sniper’?”. A “friendly sniper” is someone who masks their offenses, criticism and even hostile feelings towards someone with seemingly innocent jokes, jabs, and laughter.

This can get a little touchy because we’re gonna steer the conversation towards the topic of sarcasm for a bit (which, most of us utilize in some form or fashion daily). The problem arises when we use sarcasm as the primary means of communicating with others. When this happens, it becomes hard to know when someone is sincere or just messing around.  Have you ever been around a friend, family member or co-worker who gets all their fun from taking a jab at you…all the time? If this goes on long enough, it gets really hard to decipher whether or not the person is joking. You may even wonder if they have something against you and are just hiding it behind their snide remarks. This is not an episode demonizing sarcasm, but rather, a conversation to help us take a closer look at what we’re tolerating from others and even ourselves. Here are some things we should consider when using sarcasm with others…

It’s also important to recognize why someone may be picking on another person (or why someone is using sarcasm as a way to deflect from themselves). We usually use the phrase “free people, free people” to remind us that “hurt people hurt people”. It’s not an excuse but it does shed some light on why people treat others the way they do. Because of this, it’s also important to keep a tab on the resentment, pain, and contempt in our own lives because this can turn into a critical spirit and affect the way we view the world as well as the way we treat those around us.

We hope you found today’s episode helpful and that you’ll join us back next week, as we continue our new series, “How to Deal with Difficult People”!

In the last installment of our series on entitlement, we’ll look at why doing hard things first and keeping inconvenient commitments makes all the difference in a culture of entitlement.

Hey, everyone! Welcome back to MercyTalk. We are in the final week of our “Entitlement Cure” series, so we’re going to go out swinging as we dive into some details today that will hopefully give you additional tools to get you started tackling entitlement in your own life. Today, we’re going to talk about something called NHT—better known as the “Next Hard Thing”. FYI, this is about as fun as it sounds; your NHT is the choice you need to make to get you where you want to go. The NHT is key when working against entitlement, because it requires you to do something about your excuses. Most of the time, the NHT is something that feels too hard in the moment, so we opt to do something else instead (Facebook, Netflix, Starbucks…you get the idea).  The key here is not delaying the hard things that need to be done, but instead, facing them head on, which actually results in what we’re REALLY looking for. Townsend gives us some key questions for nailing down your NHT, and they are extremely practical (because you know we love some practical here at Mercy). They are:

Here’s the good news in all of this: there’s an end to the NHT; it’s a temporary thing. In fact, self-talk like, “The sooner I do this hard thing, the sooner I get my life to where I want it,” can serve as a big help. (We actually make the process drag out when we avoid our NHT.) The other cool thing here is that facing the NHT actually gives you momentum instead of IT sucking momentum OUT of you. It gives you the confidence to do the next thing you need to tackle (similar to the “debt snowball” concept).

However, most of the time, we play up the situation in our minds and make it feel way harder than it really is. So as we wrap up this conversation on the topic, we want to also talk about some really cool ways that approaching our own entitlement benefits those around us as well as ourselves. We’ve done a lot of digging on what entitlement is and how to combat it. But what are the benefits of facing it head on? What are some things we can look forward to by choosing responsibility instead of wallowing in selfish expectation?

While the hard way can feel like the impossible way at times, the rewards far outweigh the sacrifice!

We hope you found this series on entitlement practical, encouraging and maybe even a little challenging. If you have any suggestions, comments, or feedback for us, you can always send that over to [email protected]. Next week, we will dive into a new series with one of our favorites, Jen Otero, as we start our new series, “How to Deal”. Want to know more? Join us next week on MercyTalk!

In the third episode of our series on entitlement, we’ll discuss a self-image that actually helps with the entitlement problem and how to replace the phrase, “I deserve” with “I am responsible.”

Welcome back to MercyTalk! Today, we’re going to kick off this entitlement episode with the topic of word games. Obviously, we’re not talking about the type of games that folks like to gather ’round the table and play. We’re talking about the way we lie to ourselves and others by downplaying what’s really going on. In fact, word games actually prolong an entitled mentality. And we see this all the time in language today—romanticizing problems instead of calling them for what they really are. Townsend gives us a few examples:

The problem with avoiding anything negative is that we also avoid any talk of self-improvement (because obviously, we don’t have problems). While no one wants to dwell on their issues or think about how far they have to go, the opposite side of that does us no good either. We have to first be willing to admit that we have a problem, need help, and need to change. No one wants to admit that some of the phrases we use are really just smoke screens for the issues we need to face head on. But when we stop playing games, that’s when we can get real momentum going and experience progress!

So let’s shift for a second and talk about the phrase “I deserve…” Most of us have said it at one time or another, and most of us are familiar with the idea that “I deserve” encourages an entitled attitude. However, there are actually two different contexts when it comes to this phrase:

This is more helpful when considering phrases like, “I deserve a great job,” “I deserve a great marriage,” etc. While everyone wants those things, no one has promised any of them to us. Instead, a more effective phrase to use is “I am responsible.” While “I deserve” gives the expectation that some external force or person is going to give us what we need/want, “I am responsible” calls us to action. Is says that we play a part in making the world a better place. “I deserve” comes off as demanding, while “I am responsible” expresses vulnerability and need. “I deserve” conveys special privilege, while “I am responsible” expresses, “I’ll get in the back of the line like everyone else.” This puts ownership back in the “court” of the individual, instead of living like everyone else owes you something.

Let’s talk about how a healthy self-image plays a role in curing the disease of entitlement. While being honest about our weaknesses can actually be helpful, so can being positive about our strengths. Psalm 139 (NIV) says, I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… God doesn’t make junk. Owning the things that are positive about us can, in turn, help us operate with others in a healthier way (greater empathy for others, the ability to work hard and be diligent, etc.). This goes back to the whole idea behind the phrase, “hurt people hurt people” and “free people free people!”

Well, that’s all we have for today. We’re excited to wrap up this conversation with you all next week, so join us then on MercyTalk!

In the second installment of this series, we’ll discuss God’s framework for working through entitlement and how to encourage others who find themselves stuck there.

Hey, everyone! Welcome back to MercyTalk. All this month, we’ll be diving into Dr. John Townsend’s book, “The Entitlement Cure”. Last week, we looked at what entitlement is, who suffers from it, and why. This week, we’ll be looking at some tangible ways we can choose to turn from a spirit of entitlement and go the other way. To do this, we’re going to start with the “hard way” principles.

Being aware of each of these “hard way” principles is really important. It’s key to changing the entitlement mindset that can so easily find us all! Townsend also shares how entitlement limits one’s goals and individual growth. While it feels like it would be the opposite—as if someone with entitlement might have a lot of self-confidence and knows exactly what they really want—it is actually quite the opposite! Entitlement limits goals by making happiness the endgame of everything. This locks us into the pain/pleasure motivation cycle, which as Townsend describes, puts us at the same reasoning level as a child. Ouch. To make matters worse, entitlement limits growth by freezing development. It says, “Hmm, that sounds really hard, and it doesn’t look like it’s worth it.”

It’s true that entitlement effects more areas in our life than we realize, and that’s why we want to be made aware when others see this attitude in us (and help others when we see it in them). As you might guess, this most effectively happens in a conversation between two people. Townsend says, Most of the time, the entitled person’s stance has blinded him to the damage he is doing to himself or to others. And letting your frustration drive you immediately to drastic measures, such as ending the relationship, asking someone to move out, or firing someone, aren’t effective. Instead, start with a vulnerable conversation. Practically speaking, phrases like, “I want a better relationship with you,” or “I want to support you and cheer you on,” help to deliver the truth in a more effective way. They prepare the person for what needs to be said next—things like, “When you never ask how I’m doing, it causes me to wonder if you care about me.” This is super helpful, because these kinds of conversations foster honesty and kindness all at the same time. Maybe no one has ever told this person (or you) that there’s a problem. Delivering the news with compassion does a lot to move the needle forward. Now, this doesn’t mean the person is ready to change or turn things around just yet. There’s another step that may need to be taken after several of these vulnerable conversations. Townsend refers to this next step as a “consequence-based conversation”, and there are actually seven steps to this type of conversation. Make sure the other person knows that you’re FOR them.

At the end of the day, Townsend gives discipline and structure as the two key components for fighting a spirit of entitlement. In fact, it’s not even the choice of choosing to be disciplined. (Most of us try that for our new year’s resolution and end up failing.) Instead, it’s the actual process—the habits and structures—we develop over time that really help us.

Next week, we’ll dive into some of these habits and structures together. Join us then for more MercyTalk!

This month on MercyTalk, we’ll be diving into the book, “The Entitlement Cure”, by Dr. John Townsend and examining how entitlement feeds us two primary lies: (1) I am exempt from responsibility and (2) I am owed special treatment. In the first installment of this series, we’ll look at the deeper narrative behind what entitlement actually is.

Hey, everyone! Welcome to MercyTalk! We’re officially knee-deep into summer and have just finished our “How Do We Respond?” series, which included so many important conversations on everything from singleness to divorce. Even though it was heavy at times, it was incredible to step back and ask the question, “How can we, as the church, love one another better?” We’ve really enjoyed hearing how this series encouraged you and would love to hear any feedback you may have for the show. If you’d like to share your comments with us, you can send them to [email protected].

Today is the beginning of a new series for the month of July, and we’ll be diving into the best-selling book by Dr. John Townsend called “The Entitlement Cure”. Entitlement can be broken down into two basic ideas:

On pages 20-21 of “The Entitlement Cure”, Townsend shares some extremely practical characteristics for detecting entitlement:

Townsend also talks about entitlement as being something that everyone struggles with. Either it colors the way we view all of our lives (global entitlement) or it tends to find us in the smaller areas known as “pocket entitlement” (marriage, work, etc.). At the end of the day, though, our relationships, as well as the environment we grew up in, play a big role in the attitudes of entitlement we’ve taken on. This is particularly interesting because Townsend also addresses six “praise and reward problems” that we may have experienced growing up or use with those around us today.

Ouch. This is getting real. It’s so humbling to realize that some of the things we thought weren’t issues are actually things we need to address head on. This brings us to the next part of this conversation—how to combat entitlement. Townsend talks about something called the “hard way principles” (five Biblical principles research also supports in this area). We’ll get into the details of those on our next episode, but for now, here are a few practical things we can do to examine the areas in our own lives that we need to get honest about.

If it all feels a bit hopeless today, don’t worry! We’re headed toward some principles that will be able to help in this area (stuff like vulnerable and consequence-based conversations to start). We hope you’ll join us right here next week on MercyTalk!

This series is meant to explore the church’s response to topics that are oftentimes criticized, belittled or even ignored. This is a forum in which to ask ourselves, “How can we be motivated to better respond from a place of love?” (1 Peter 4:8).

In this episode, we’ll discuss the way the church has traditionally approached mental health, common misunderstandings of mental health terms, and how we can better serve those asking for mental health help.