In Star Wars canon, this is widely considered the best of them all (Episode IX hasn't hit the screens as of this posting, but fat chance!)  This is the sequel that pushed the boundaries and put our beloved heroes through the wringer.  And carbonite.  Empire rules, and it's almost blasphemous to make fun of it.  Well, not as blasphemous as Greedo shooting first, but anyway this commentary is done with respect, love, anger, fear, aggression, all that good stuff.  Get ready to jump into comedy hyperspace!  Unless Chewie screwed up again.

What can I tell you about Screamers?  Well, obviously it's not a silent movie.  There is screaming in it, yeah, but it's a pretty intriguing sci-fi futuristic apocalyptic and sick flick.  The storyline comes from some pretty respectable genre writers, and we've got Peter Weller in a movie that's not Robocop but still quite awesome.  People getting killed by rampaging robots, robots getting blown away by people, and people that aren't people but robots!  See what I mean about the writing?  It's a bleak, paranoid tale of a cold-war future on another planet, and even though it was sort of a box office flop it's become one of my favorites...a movie I've owned on VHS, laserdisc, DVD and Blu-ray.  I probably bought a ticket to see it in the theater back in 1995 as well, so it looks like this movie made quite a bit of money just from me alone!  Sadly, not quite enough to break even.  Sorry, guys!  But thanks for making it!  Hopefully people who listen to this episode will immediately want to buy a copy of Screamers for their home video collection.  That's my sole purpose for recording it!  Enjoy!   

Just in time for Halloween, a very special episode dedicated to the King of Horror...no, wait, that might mislead you all into thinking I mean Stephen King.  Alright, then: the CARPENTER of Horror!  From humble beginnings in silly science fiction through some of the most memorable creepy cult classics to some late-career anomalies and whatever this limbo of current semi-retirement leads up to, we'll take a humorous look at all the great movies this guy has given us.  Unforgettable characters, synth-y soundtracks, blood and mayhem abound in the films of the great John Carpenter.  They sure don't build 'em like they used to!

Vampires have been around for a long time, kinda like this old TV miniseries/movie based on one of Stephen King's earliest novels.  In 1979, it was one of the scariest things you could see on your television other than that white noise "snow" on the screen where you'd have to get up out of your comfy chair and grab those "rabbit ears" antennas and move 'em around in dozens of configurations and angles until you could see a clear picture again.  Ahh, memories...and if you understood any of that you are quite old yourself, but not as old as a vampire so please don't get offended!  Now... as for this podcast, it covers not only Tobe Hooper's eerie original film, but also the 2004 remake which really wasn't very scary at all.  I was just scared it was gonna suck.  Now hurry up and listen to this chilling and funny episode, 'cause daylight's wastin'!
Face the master!  Is your faith...enough?  

You won't catch this fight on Pay-Per-View: The "man of your dreams" takes on the unstoppable goalie who wants to puck you up!  These are two of horror cinema's most famous killers, and over countless movies of their own, they've killed just about everyone except each other!  Hence, "Freddy vs. Jason" hit the screens in 2003 and murderous mayhem ensued.  This bloody battle might be short on sense, but it's a scream nonetheless.  It's almost too much for me to process, so I've called in some reinforcements: Quan Ngo.  He knows this movie a little better than I, and helps me slash through the stupidity.  If you can stay awake, you might survive this podcast and even hear a few jokes of slightly higher quality than the ridiculous one-liners Freddy Krueger is so fond of spurting out.  He might kill, but he's a lousy stand-up comedian.  

It ain't easy being green, if Ray Charles is to be believed.  Probably the same with Kermit, Yoda, and 1970s Hulk icon Lou Ferrigno.  SIck and tired of playing second fiddle to Bill Bixby, Lou moved on to portray the mythological hero Hercules in 1983.  I remember really loving this movie when I was a kid, but watching it now through my cynical middle-aged eyes, it's clearly not as "mighty" as I once thought.  In other words, perfect fodder for my podcast!  Now, I'm just bright enough to realize I probably shouldn't make fun of big musclebound bodybuilders who could easily snap me in half like a twig, so let the record show that I still love this Hercules movie, even if it's mainly for the unintentional giggles it inspires.  Lending a bit of highbrow class to the proceedings, the esteemed Professor (no kidding!) Dave Chan is here as well, providing astute observations and numerous Dokken references.  Take your ears on an adventure and listen now!  The gods are still laughing up on Mt. Olympus.   

Everyone knows who Batman is (unless you happen to live in Gotham City, then it might take a while) so here's my tribute to the Dark Knight's first big cinematic adventures since the 1960s Adam West camp-fest.  Most of us were skeptical about a Michael Keaton/Tim Burton collaboration.  We were expecting something ridiculous...Beetleman?!?  Batjuice?!?   To our surprise, 1989's Batman delivered, thanks in no small part to Jack Nicholson's even battier Joker.  We then got a bonkers sequel, Batman Returns, with Christopher Walken in a supporting role that basically steals the show.  Of course, I'm a bit biased and maintain that Walken steals every show.  Even mine.  This POD.  CAST.  So put on your BatBeats or whatever sort of headphones are handy and have a listen, you'll see who the real "joker" is.
Go with a smile!

This 1988 remake of a 30 year-old horror classic (which was pretty scary despite having a goofy theme song written by Burt Bacharach that only Austin Powers would find "groovy") is way slimier and more frightening, partly due to the hairstyles and mullets sported by its young stars.  Even now the special effects look pretty gooey and old-school, as we watch this single-minded mass of pink jelly grow bigger and bigger as it sucks up a steady diet of townsfolk.  Thankfully, the movie doesn't suck, as most remakes do, and as of this writing nobody has attempted to remake the remake so that says a lot.  So do my guest and I on this here podcast!  Quan Ngo really knows his monsters, and this episode is a beast!  Have a listen, beware, and maybe switch on the air conditioner just to be on the safe side.  (Spoiler?  Aw, chill!) 

The early '80s were awash with movies featuring bloody knights and half-dressed heroes and heroines, plus a bit of hocus-pocus and enough latex monsters to fill a condom factory.  This one didn't fare quite as well as Conan the Barbarian, but in the plus department at least you can understand the words spoken by the lead character!  Lee Horsley never became a household name (or a gymnasium one, for that matter) but we have some top-shelf villains courtesy of a couple of Dicks: trusy ol' Richard Moll and Richard Lynch!  I give you The Sword and the Sorcerer, a great little cult classic with all the swashbuckling you could handle.  If you swashbuckle much.  I just buckle my shoes, and maybe the belt buckle if I'm slimming down.  No, I guess you really didn't need to know that, but hear this podcast and you'll be caught in its spell!  Kingdoms to save and women to love!! Yeah, you know it, Talon!