Missing Real with Mike D'Arrigo

This 1988 remake of a 30 year-old horror classic (which was pretty scary despite having a goofy theme song written by Burt Bacharach that only Austin Powers would find "groovy") is way slimier and more frightening, partly due to the hairstyles and mullets sported by its young stars.  Even now the special effects look pretty gooey and old-school, as we watch this single-minded mass of pink jelly grow bigger and bigger as it sucks up a steady diet of townsfolk.  Thankfully, the movie doesn't suck, as most remakes do, and as of this writing nobody has attempted to remake the remake so that says a lot.  So do my guest and I on this here podcast!  Quan Ngo really knows his monsters, and this episode is a beast!  Have a listen, beware, and maybe switch on the air conditioner just to be on the safe side.  (Spoiler?  Aw, chill!) 

The early '80s were awash with movies featuring bloody knights and half-dressed heroes and heroines, plus a bit of hocus-pocus and enough latex monsters to fill a condom factory.  This one didn't fare quite as well as Conan the Barbarian, but in the plus department at least you can understand the words spoken by the lead character!  Lee Horsley never became a household name (or a gymnasium one, for that matter) but we have some top-shelf villains courtesy of a couple of Dicks: trusy ol' Richard Moll and Richard Lynch!  I give you The Sword and the Sorcerer, a great little cult classic with all the swashbuckling you could handle.  If you swashbuckle much.  I just buckle my shoes, and maybe the belt buckle if I'm slimming down.  No, I guess you really didn't need to know that, but hear this podcast and you'll be caught in its spell!  Kingdoms to save and women to love!! Yeah, you know it, Talon! 

What seemed like a pretty goofy premise somehow became a worldwide blockbuster in 2009: a big-budget movie about tall blue cat people riding pterodactyls through floating mountains and speaking some made-up tree-huggy language.  WTF???  But we loved it, huh?  Avatar was a hit!  Finally James Cameron could go back to making entertaining movies again and snap out of his lunatic Jacques Cousteau underwater wetdream documentary phase.  He's even been hard at work for the last decade making a whole bunch of sequels, but thankfully I work a little faster and I've recorded this fascinating audio adventure that will bring back all your fond memories of Pandora...oh, right...you don't remember what Pandora is.  A streaming radio station, some jewelry shop, that chick with the box...something like that?  Well, just have a listen and it'll all come rushing back to you.  By the way, it's all in English.  My Na'vi is a little rusty.  

It wasn't easy for die-hard Trekkies to let go of Kirk and the gang when they passed the cosmic baton to Picard and his far dorkier ensemble of softies.  Goodbye flying drop-kicks, hello fussy bald Brit.  Time would tell, and after 7 seasons on TV the Next Generation beamed up to the big screen and made 4 uneven films.  There's no denying the acting chops of Sir Patrick Stewart and the equally talented Brent Spiner, and that helped elevate most of the material from the cheese platter.  Not that there wasn't a ton of stuff to ridicule, so in the spirit of Q, I'll be mocking and tormenting these characters in this epic podcast.  Beam aboard and explore the "hollow decks" of Picard's Enterprise with me.  Sense of humor: Engage!!!

Alien was pretty scary, right?  So, how do you top it?  How about a whole bunch of Aliens?  Thankfully, the plot of this 1986 sequel is a little more inspired than that.  After a very long hypersnooze, Ripley wakes up, gets fired, gets a crappier job, then gets a dangerous and scary job facing her worst fear: Aliens seeing her in her underwear.  But fear not.  She's got a company of space Marines, one of which has future Terminator combat experience, so she's covered.  Aliens, directed by James Cameron, was an adrenaline rush and chock full of unforgettable thrills and dialogue, and was mostly a worthy successor to Ridley Scott's original.  Mostly.  Xenophiles, this one's for you!  Let's rock!

   Not since the Death Star blew up Alderaan has there been such a great disturbance in the Force.  Having patiently waited 2 years for the latest Star Wars episode to follow up that annoying cliffhanger ending of Force Awakens, we faithful fans had this massive turd dumped on us.  Everyone was so optimistic about the return of Luke Skywalker...except Luke Skywalker!  He's so darn mopey in this movie!  Seriously, not even baby Yoda could perk him up.  The Last Jedi divided fans like Moses parting the Red Sea.  Speaking of Moses, here's a Commandment for Rian Johnson:  Thou shalt not desecrate Star Wars again!  
   Whatever you might think of this particular movie, you'll definitely enjoy our podcast.  Joining me to rule the galaxy this time around is Quan Ngo, and let me tell ya...he absolutely HATES this movie.  Much anger in him...but funny anger!  The very best kind.  Welcome to the dark side of comedy...

The most eagerly awaited movie of all time?  The most hated CG character of all time?  Meesa be thinkin' you know da movie, okey-day!  It's Star Wars Episode 1, where we learn the origins of galactic baddie and Sith Lord extraordinaire Darth Vader!  Turns out he was just an annoying little kid and occasional hot rod on the racetrack.  But there was still much to love about George Lucas' ambitious, digitally saturated return to our favorite space adventure franchise.  Specifically, every second Darth Maul was onscreen.  The rest is pretty much Bantha poodoo.  You should still listen anyway.  No?  How wude!

How many times have they tried bringing that bonkers science fiction epic Dune to the screen?  Better question: why do I keep watching all of them?  I'm still no closer to understanding what on Arrakis is going on.  It's not very likely that this podcast is going to enlighten anyone as to what Frank Herbert was getting at, but that's okay!  It's more fun than surfing on a giant worm, I promise.  Together with my good friend Dave Chan, we chew the spice and discuss both David Lynch's 1984 disaster and Denis Villeneuve's 2021 update.  None of it makes much sense, other than nonsense, but really...that's what you're here for, isn't it?  Enjoy!

Those pesky xenomorphs are back at it again, eh?  At least this time the word "Alien" actually appears in the movie title, not like that "Prometheus" nonsense.  Now try to keep up: this is the sequel to Prometheus, which itself was a PREquel to Alien.  All  you really need to know or care about is there are a lot of dumb humans venturing out into space, where no one can hear you scream.  But there IS lots of screaming, and it sounds loud and clear!  Probably because these dopes all get killed in places with some kind of atmosphere or whatever sound waves are carried on, don't ask me.  The only sound waves I'm concerned about are the ones that compose this magnificent and very funny podcast you're about to enjoy!  Oh, and the sound of your laughter, of course!  

After 35 years, finally there's a sequel to the sci-fi masterpiece (and initial box office dud) Blade Runner!  That's a long time, man.  None of the Nexus 6 replicants had a chance of living long enough to see it due to that darn 4-year life span!  Tyrell, you're a jerk.  Oh, wait a sec... you had your eyes gouged out by your own creation...call it even?  So here we are, with a different director and music composers but the visuals are sure to pop even more eyeballs out.  We do get Harrison Ford back again, but first Ryan Gosling hogs up more than half the movie as the main character.  Jared Leto shows up and acts weird.  Beautiful artificial women are downloaded and get down & dirty.  Alright, this sounds pretty good.  Just don't ask me what the hell's actually going on.  I'm still working that out!