Model Minority Moms

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The final final episode of our Going on 40 series... we promise! Some of the TLDRs are below but you'll have to listen to the episode to get the commentary on Havenese farms, how Susan will become a media mogul-politician-cult-leader-pleasure seeker by 50 and whether we will be wearing Skechers or Hokas by then.

- How we viewed and experienced our parents set the default for our other relationships with adults and authority figures.

- How living a life true to yourself is easier said than done but will ultimately lead to more gratification and less regret later.

- In life and work, realizing what "game" you're playing is important and also recognizing that there are many different kinds of games in life and you have some choice in the matter.

- Your body and emotions send you important messages. If you spend your life suppressing them, they will catch up with you sooner or later.

- Sometimes, letting go of an issue you're struggling with is the only way out! See: Susan's thoughts on body image.

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Now that we've all officially turned 40, we're wrapping up this series by reflecting on the lessons we've learned. Here's the TLDR of Part 1 (but of course, you'll have to listen to get the juicy bits :p ).

Relationships (romantic relationships and friendships):

- If someone doesn't treat you well in a relationship, the cause is roughly as likely to be their own baggage as it is yours.

- Sometimes you're attracted to someone for the wrong reasons (you're projecting your issues on them, you want to "save" them)

- Working on yourself and pursuing the things you want and love are probably the best path to finding a good partner.

- At some point in a romantic relationship, you might want to get the Eight Dates book by Gottman and have those critical conversations before investing further.

- It's ok if not everyone likes you. You can (and probably should) consider their perspectives but you don't have to be a slave to them.

- Boundaries can be a form of care for yourself and others in that they keep relationships sustainable. They acknowledge that everyone has limits.

- Sometimes, when you see people struggling, they may not want or need a "fix" at that time. They may need someone to just be with them, listen to them or give them space.

Career and work outside of family:

- Try to get more clarity early on in your real interests, goals and motivations.

- A sizeable chunk of career decisions and issues (risk taking, financial considerations, building relationships with peers and senior people) may be traced back to your personal issues.

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When you're a high-achieving 22 year old coming out of college, you have all kinds of assumptions about your future work life that you don't even know. You think you will follow your passions (because, of course you know what they are). You will make tons of money (because that just automatically happens to everyone who goes to a great school). You will always be able to devote yourself to your work (because you know, kids don't need any of your time, energy and attention). You and your partner will always agree on how income-earning responsibilities, family responsibilities, and your personal preferences should balance out (because there's a simple equation for that - didn't you know?)

In this 2-part episode, we unpack our reflections about our work life at 40, what we did, why we think we did what we did, what we regret, what surprised us, what we learned and how we are looking forward.

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When you're a high-achieving 22 year old coming out of college, you have all kinds of assumptions about your future work life that you don't even know. You think you will follow your passions (because, of course you know what they are). You will make tons of money (because that just automatically happens to everyone who goes to a great school). You will always be able to devote yourself to your work (because you know, kids don't need any of your time, energy and attention). You and your partner will always agree on how income-earning responsibilities, family responsibilities, and your personal preferences should balance out (because there's a simple equation for that - didn't you know?)

In this 2-part episode, we unpack our reflections about our work life at 40, what we did, why we think we did what we did, what we regret, what surprised us, what we learned and how we are looking forward.

**Special note to our listeners**

Love the show? Help us keep the conversation going! Become a paid subscriber through our ⁠⁠⁠⁠Substack. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Your contributions help us continue to make content on issues related to the Asian-American, immigrant, modern parent experience.

THANK YOU to our super awesome listeners who have already signed up!

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Peeing yourself. Hair loss. Boob deflation. Hokas. Turning grey. To Spanx or not to spanx? Yeah we're not spring chickens anymore but we're also not.... quite... old? We give the real talk on what's going on with our bodies as we hit 40... the weird, the beautiful, the ugly, the contradictory and the funny... in true MMM fashion.

**Special note to our listeners**

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One learning from getting older is that you realize that just because people age, doesn't mean they continue to mature or evolve. This can be especially true for issues tied to our families of origin. We might be 14, 40 or 80 but when those old dynamics are triggered, we can be right back where we were as a kid, being shamed, scared, alone and we revert back to old coping behaviors. In this episode, we talk through where we are with our families of origin and how it has (or hasn't changed) in the last 20 years.

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Let us explain. No, we haven't bought a red convertible, had an affair or gotten a divorce. But reaching this stage of life, what we once looked as a somewhat baffling, even humorous, stereotype of modern American life... makes a little more sense to us. Or at least we feel like we could see how someone landed there. We take a deep-dive into what we think counts as a mid-life crisis, what we think causes it and how maybe, just maybe, we can channel it into more productive ends. Or to justify that basement pottery studio that you've been dreaming of :)

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As we turn the corner into mid-life, we're talking about the questions we're wrestling with at 40 - Am I living a "successful" life? How am I doing with my complicated family of origin? What the f is going on with my body? Midlife crises, anyone?

In the first of our series, we tackle a big question: what does it mean to live, and die, successfully? It leads us to some weird places - Gene Hackman, Bryan Johnson who wants to live forever, Lady Gaga and how "success", contentment and happiness might be closer than we think.

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Kindergarten…you think it's far away until it's not. All of a sudden you're faced with a myriad of decisions that you have to research. You may also experience intense anxiety as you worry if you're setting your kid on the right path. What makes for a good elementary school anyway? Is it a warm environment? Diversity? Test scores? How selective it is? Bilingual? Convenient? A PTA vibe that jives? Is this really about your kid or about you?

We're going through it now and whether it's pretty or not, we give you the real talk on where we are landing on the big K-question.

For some of us, we always knew we wanted kids, no matter what. For others, that was never in our vision for life but nearing the end of the biological clock, we're revisiting that question. For still others, we may have started one way but ended up another because of relationships, biology, logistics, costs, better understanding of what parenthood entails, the-world-is-ending-feeling, etc.

In this episode, we bring back Justine Ang Fonte because she and her partner went through a long journey of trying to decide if they wanted to try to become parents or not. But beyond just the normal internal wrestling, she kind of took it to the nth degree by building massive spreadsheets and even going through a structured decision-making process with a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people make this decision.

If you or someone you know is wrestling with this decision, this episode is for you. If you're already a parent and thinking about more, this may be helpful too.