Who will be the blondest craziest villain of Clayton's season? Why is Hilary Duff hosting a child actor party? Is Cassidy going to make friends, or is she going to be America's Next Top Model? Is Cassidy a tragic hero with the fatal flaw of hubris? What kind of cocktails to they serve at "Shoes" and "Big Daddy's Antiques"? Is Elizabeth safe in the same house as Shanae? Do we need a grade school PSA about bullying people with ADHD? Is Shanae more crazy or more evil? Is one girl's friend-with-benefits another girl's boyfriend? 

Episode 2 of Clayton's season .... a season for villains! 

Is this the first season of The Bachelor to segue into a new season of Sister Wives? Is Clayton's dad hosting the show? Did Salley audition to be on the show the same day her engagement fell through? Why was there a rose laying around in Clayton's hotel room? Has there ever been a Bachelor easier to manipulate than Clayton? Who writes these girls' intro bits? Who will be crowned craziest of the crazies? What will Washington eventually name their football team? Will Claire ever meet her dream mean man? Who ate those leftover chicken wings?

Clayton's season of The Bachelor is off to a bugnuts crazy start with Episode 1 and Michelle and Colin are ready to talk smack.

Is there more to this episode after it cuts off? (No, the phone company called Colin back and Bridget texted Michelle to let Colin know so we cut it short) What have Michelle and Colin been up to instead of watching The Bachelorette? Is Clayton possibly Jesse Palmer's high school love child? What has Michelle's daughter been obsessed with lately? Are Michelle and Colin planning on doing a long personal preamble before every episode? (no we promise). Is the Bachelor-verse hopelessly contrived? Which of the contestants have crazy-eyes? What does "previously engaged" mean? How crazy is Meghan Markle? Is Lisa GIlroy ever going to get to host The Bachelorette? Could these women have lower standards for their future husbands? 

PRE-GAME RAGER EPISODE!

How does Joe's ex-girlfriend showing up to win him back end up as a minor footnote on this episode? How many chains is too many for a white man? How little did Michelle learn at Catholic school? How long are Michelle and Colin going to talk about Aaron Carter and Bret Michaels? Has there ever been a more flagrant display of hubris than Brendan and Pieper? But also, has there ever been a more savage edit in the history of the show? Why didn't Brendan plead the Fifth with Natasha? How is it possible to hate Chris even more than we did before? Does anyone have sharper takes than Deandra? What rhyme or reason was there to the "VIP" guest list? How does Chris's behaviour turn out to be more egregious than Brendan's? Would it be more interesting if there were an interspecies body-swapping version of Paradise with Japanese macaques? 

Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 6 + 7 Late post :'(

How does the cast of Paradise drink so much yet not get beer bellies? Did Connor really think he had a shot with Maurissa? Who the hell is Chris and what does he have to be cocky about? Why does the Bachelor-verse have so many first dates that are basically heavy petting masquerading as yoga? Why is everyone in such a hurry to get with Kenny? Can someone tell Natasha that she's wasting her time with Brendan? When is Riley going to get the chocolate cake he was promised? What happened to Tre's sense of humour? Does Karl pick up women with close-up magic? Where did Karl and Chasen find the terrible jewellry? Is Deandra lowkey the best person on the show? Kenny's a male stripper right? 

Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 4 + 5 

sorry for the late post!

Is Demi going to be able to deal with being a secondary character? How much imagination does it take to construe Brendan as a master manipulator? Are they just showing sex tapes on national TV now? Will the police recruit Demi for a 21 Jump Street scenario? Would an actual live grenade have been less disruptive rolling down those stairs than Thomas? Is Deandra the top choice for post-apocalypse team-up? Can someone please teach Connor how to kiss? How have we been living without Lance Bass in our lives for so long? Who is Victoria P.'s therapist? Are the Plastics going to bully Thomas right back up those stairs? Can Connor...just stop? 

Bachelor in Paradise 2021 episode 2 + 3!

Which of the men has had the biggest ego increase since their Bachelorette appearances? Is Kenny naked or is his bulge unsafe for TV? Is Bachelor in Paradise a workplace? Can we please take away Connor's instruments? Can David Spade be persuaded to host all things Bachelor in perpetuity? Which villains will rise to the top? Why are there actual old people sprinkled in with these women in their early twenties? Does anyone play the game better than Serena P.? Did Grocery Store Joe just come to Paradise to mope around the beach talking about his ex? Is anyone going to be desperate enough to kiss Karl?

[FINALE double episode with with special guests!]

Is there enough hard drive space in the world to store all we have to say about Greg's Bachelor audition? Is Justin still on the show? (Not really) Has covid finally exhausted all of the producers' creativity? Is maple syrup good? Does it rain in New Jersey too? Did Greg invent the secret ultimatum? Does Katie have a German work ethic? Is Bachelor Nation losing their mind falling for Greg's puppydog face? Are the producers holding Katie's cat hostage? How are Michelle and Colin going to keep the show going if they have to talk about Greg for another season? Is Greg a better actor than writer? Has Aunt Lindsay ever killed anyone? Will Zozobra permanently replace the monsters in our nightmares? 

Was Brendan a Canada diversity hire? Also, who the hell is Brendan? Is Mike P. taking outfit consultations from The Lonely Island? Is a miniseries featuring the movies of Mike Myers in our future? Is Greg being held under duress? Is Katie dumb? Or are MIchelle and Colin insufferable stuck up assholes? How much is Michael A willing to use his kid to get more spotlight? What the hell was in Blake's painting? Was Andrew's exit a mercy killing? Or a teaser for his season as Bachelor? Is Blake's confidence just big dick energy? Is Brendan going to remembered for his forgetability? Is Colin allowed to laugh if Michael A trots out his son and gets him to perform for the camera? How many takes did they get of Michael P slowly walking away after being dumped? Who is sexier, Geeta the reiki lady or Jean the Cuddle Queen?