You've performed a perfect, arcing Tarzan swing from a decades-old fraying rope into the murky lacustrine waters of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nice yodel, bud. Watch out for eels.

This week, Spencer, Craig, and Michael discuss party marketing, shark time, territorial displays, and injury symmetry. Also, we learn the respective values Michael places on his digits. It's weirder than you think.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've breached the sterile plastic bubble surrounding Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nice work, rookie. Now the techs are gonna have to spend the next eight hours decontaminating this place. Where'd you track in all that mud from, anyhow?

This week, Michael, Spencer, and Craig (all three of us! back together again!) discuss onomatopoeia, chess consequences, pizza secrets, and unethical kindergarten snacks. Plus, both Michael and Craig share two of what are quite honestly the most insane childhood anecdotes ever disclosed by anyone on this program. As it happens, you'll hear one right at the start of the episode and one right at the end. That's just quality programming.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've opened a trap door overlooking the vast blank expanse that is Never Better, a show that never gets any better. No... this can't be right. There must be more to it than this. Where the devil did everything go?

This week, in an abridged episode, Spencer, not Craig, and not Michael discusses ghost slander, sudden tattoos, birthday energy, and aggressively religious names. That's pretty much it. And you'll take it, and you'll like it!

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've kicked down the burning front door of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. If you have a second, please pop on over and untie us. We're over here between the crates of live ammunition and the kerosene vat.

This week, Spencer, Craig, and (once again, due to unknown reasons) not Michael discuss airline peeves, sports numerology, victimless zoo crime, newspaper theft, and campfire baths. Also, we get a glimpse of New Craig. Be prepared.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've thrown a perfectly tied lariat around the enormous bovine neck of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nicely done, cowpoke. Now all you have to do is figure out how to get that old steer to settle down and stop upsettin' the heifers.

This week, in a show whose structure was nearly entirely pulled from a listener email (shoutouts to Jewell B.), Spencer, Michael, and (due to vacation reasons) not Craig discuss waking up when you didn't know you'd been asleep, danger at the wharf, a double dose of seagull crime, and childhood warnings from questionable sources. Plus, we take a deeper dive into Michael's psyche than we – or, indeed, perhaps anybody – could have ever anticipated.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've bumbled onto center stage at Never Better, a show that never gets any better. That's right--now you're the host! Now you have to write all this pointless copy! Hope you know a thing or two about SEO, because I don't!

This week, Spencer, Craig, and (due to vacation reasons) not Michael discuss train mistakes, executive production, celebrity self-delusion, and the importance of being kind to everyone no matter how unusual their job is. Also, we introduce a new segment in hopes of bringing the power of unfounded life advice back to the people.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You're perilously suspended from a thin, fraying rope over Never Better, a show that never gets any better. If you don't like pits full of hungry crocodiles, I suggest you don't look down.

This week, after a brief and easily corrected mishap, Craig, Spencer, and Michael discuss gasoline protocol, newspaper thieves, packing disputes, and life-defining struggles with embarrassingly small objects. Plus, we offer a triple dose of our most enduring segment, Is It Weird.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've moseyed into a ramshackle saloon by the name of Never Better, a bar that never gets any better. See that mysterious drifter seated at the back? Best not bother him, unless you'd rather yer chest had a couple extra holes in it.

This week, Michael, Craig, and Spencer discuss cowboy facts, elevator etiquette, the peculiarities of Canadian language, trick foods, and the ethics of nutritive paste distribution. Also, Spencer talks about a restaurant he and his family are probably not welcome at anymore.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

You've waltzed obliviously into a clandestine meeting of Never Better, a show that's never going to get any better. Where's your mask, novitiate? And what are you saying? "Fidelio?" Why, that's not your password.

This week, Spencer, Michael, and Craig discuss malicious compliance, admitting defeat, getting lost in at laser tag, recurring dreams, and what is and isn't Modern Art. Plus, Craig makes a heartfelt apology to a party he refuses to name.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode art: McDonnell, T., & Burden, C. (1973). 747. photograph, Los Angeles.

You've found yourself surrounded by the most battle-hardened pikemen of Never Better, a show that's never going to get any better. Surrender now, listener, in the name of the Emperor, or you shall not live to see the sunset.

This week, Craig, Spencer, and Michael discuss telephone etiquette, the recent salmon unpleasantness, grandpa tipping, General Booty, impassioned monologues, worrisome octopus behavior, and coworker dreams. Also, we take our first ever on-air caller, which goes about how you'd probably expect.

-----

Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at [email protected] and we’ll react appropriately!