New Ways New You ( Tendrils of Grief- Life After Grief)

Dr. Eileen L. Cooley lost her husband of 30 years in a span of 2.5 months after he was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was shocking, it was painful. Her children had grown and were no longer living at home and Dr. Elieen was struggling with her grief in the beginning. She found writing to be a comforting thing to help her work through her emotions and through that experience, she wrote the book, Newly Widowed, Now Socially Awkward to help others like her.

Key Takeaways:

• Dr. Elieen shares her story on how she lost her husband.
• Most of her circle of friends hadn't been through such a loss and didn't understand what Dr. Elieen was going through.
• Dr. Elieen expected the tears and loneliness, but she was caught off-guard when it came to social changes. She was annoyed at people and at herself.
• Dr. Elieen found comfort in writing herself letters and just taking time to write out her thoughts and feelings.
• "Call me anytime." But after trauma, you're less likely than ever to be the initiator.
• Dr. Elieen hated when people told her, "You're stronger than you think."
• Dr. Elieen would get invited to parties and she had such a conflict with it. She wanted to go, but she also wanted to leave without being noticed. There were a lot of mixed emotions.
• Susan really noticed things getting tough around the year two mark.
• As people are stuck in quarantine, the feelings of loss have become so much larger.
• Dr. Elieen's advice for those grieving is to not try to keep up with anybody's timetable. You work on your own time.
• Be kind to yourself and the people in your life.

Get Connected:

Eileencooleyphd.com

Newly Widowed, Now Socially Awkward: Facing Interpersonal Challenges After Loss by Eileen L. Cooley Ph. D.

Dr. Eileen L. Cooley lost her husband of 30 years in a span of 2.5 months after he was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was shocking, it was painful. Her children had grown and were no longer living at home and Dr. Elieen was struggling with her grief in the beginning. She found writing to be a comforting thing to help her work through her emotions and through that experience, she wrote the book, Newly Widowed, Now Socially Awkward to help others like her. 

Key Takeaways:

• Dr. Elieen shares her story on how she lost her husband. 
• Most of her circle of friends hadn’t been through such a loss and didn’t understand what Dr. Elieen was going through. 
• Dr. Elieen expected the tears and loneliness, but she was caught off-guard when it came to social changes. She was annoyed at people and at herself. 
• Dr. Elieen found comfort in writing herself letters and just taking time to write out her thoughts and feelings. 
• “Call me anytime.” But after trauma, you’re less likely than ever to be the initiator. 
• Dr. Elieen hated when people told her, “You’re stronger than you think.”
• Dr. Elieen would get invited to parties and she had such a conflict with it. She wanted to go, but she also wanted to leave without being noticed. There were a lot of mixed emotions. 
• Susan really noticed things getting tough around the year two mark. 
• As people are stuck in quarantine, the feelings of loss have become so much larger. 
• Dr. Elieen's advice for those grieving is to not try to keep up with anybody’s timetable. You work on your own time. 
• Be kind to yourself and the people in your life. 

Get Connected:

Eileencooleyphd.com

Newly Widowed, Now Socially Awkward: Facing Interpersonal Challenges After Loss by Eileen L. Cooley Ph. D.

Jill lost her husband, John, in early 2018, after being married for 30 years. In 2007, she saw that John was acting weird and not like himself and he was misdiagnosed as bipolar, but his erratic behavior was far more extreme than the standard bipolar symptoms. On top of that, none of the medication was working. It was not until 10 years later, did Jill realize the true nature of his illness, it was Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) combined with Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). Jill shares her grief journey and how she's been able to live life without John by her side.

Key Takeaways:

• One of the ways Susan was able to cope with tragedy was by becoming connected to a community that understood her pain.
• Jill shares the story of how she met and fell in love with her husband, John.
• After a death in his family, John decided to go back to school to become a respiratory therapist.
• John started showing signs of dementia but it was misdiagnosed as a bipolar disorder at first. Nothing was working.
• Jill has to do her own research to figure out it was FTD and ALS.
• FTD can last anywhere from eight to 20 years.
• Jill relied on God's guidance to help her through this.
• It was a blessing that Jill's children were supportive of her on how she was going to care for her husband.
• People often say that you're lucky to spend the last moments of your life with him, but they don't realize that you watch your loved one become tortured by the disease.
• There are so many points of grief leading up to death.
• Relying on your instincts is key in helping you through grief.
• When is the right time to take your wedding ring off?
• You're still here. Jill still had things to do and she chose to live.
• What has been the most difficult in Jill's grief journey? John was her biggest fan.
• Jill had to re-define her purpose after her husband passed away.
• Where is Jill now in her grief and how does she feel about the future?
• What advice does Jill have for those who have experienced loss? Take care of yourself.

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Alz.org

Alsa.org

https://www.theaftd.org/

Jill lost her husband, John, in early 2018, after being married for 30 years. In 2007, she saw that John was acting weird and not like himself and he was misdiagnosed as bipolar, but his erratic behavior was far more extreme than the standard bipolar symptoms. On top of that, none of the medication was working. It was not until 10 years later, did Jill realize the true nature of his illness, it was Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) combined with Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS). Jill shares her grief journey and how she’s been able to live life without John by her side. 

Key Takeaways:

• One of the ways Susan was able to cope with tragedy was by becoming connected to a community that understood her pain.
• Jill shares the story of how she met and fell in love with her husband, John.  
• After a death in his family, John decided to go back to school to become a respiratory therapist. 
• John started showing signs of dementia but it was misdiagnosed as a bipolar disorder at first. Nothing was working. 
• Jill has to do her own research to figure out it was FTD and ALS. 
• FTD can last anywhere from eight to 20 years. 
• Jill relied on God’s guidance to help her through this. 
• It was a blessing that Jill’s children were supportive of her on how she was going to care for her husband. 
• People often say that you’re lucky to spend the last moments of your life with him, but they don’t realize that you watch your loved one become tortured by the disease. 
• There are so many points of grief leading up to death. 
• Relying on your instincts is key in helping you through grief. 
• When is the right time to take your wedding ring off? 
• You’re still here. Jill still had things to do and she chose to live. 
• What has been the most difficult in Jill’s grief journey? John was her biggest fan. 
• Jill had to re-define her purpose after her husband passed away. 
• Where is Jill now in her grief and how does she feel about the future? 
• What advice does Jill have for those who have experienced loss? Take care of yourself. 

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Alz.org

Alsa.org

https://www.theaftd.org/

Gene is the mother of five children and grandmother to five children. Gene recently lost her 24-year old daughter to heroin two years ago and her older son, who is 33 years old, has terminal cancer. Gene has lost a child and is about to lose a second child and she shares how God has helped her through the passing of her daughter. She also shares coping strategies the various people in her family used and how they were different from her own. The best advice and comfort she received from others were typically from people who have lost themselves and understood deeply the pain that she was and is currently going through.

Key Takeaways:

• Gene lost her 24-year-old daughter to heroin.
• How has prayer helped Gene cope with her loss?
• The recovery rate of heroin addicts is between 2-4%.
• Gene's older son, who is 33 years old, was diagnosed with a rare genetic cancer. It is terminal.
• People are desperate to help your family, but they go about it the wrong way.
• "You're so strong." Takes away the griever's permission.
• Gene and everyone in her family grieve very differently. It was even hard for Gene to not give advice to her family. She learned sometimes you need to keep your mouth shut and recognize that this is just a terrible situation.
• Gene and her husband also had to learn how to overcome this together. They both grieve differently and it was a give and take.
• How would Gene like people to help her through her grief?
• Your friends go back to their regular lives at the 2-3 week mark, but you're not done grieving after 3 weeks.
• We suck at helping people in pain!
• Gene believes Jesus died on the cross and arose from the dead so that he could open the gates of heaven for us.
• We are in the beginnings of a pandemic and people are going to suffer in a lot of ways.
• Those that have passed on are waiting for us in a better place. That's how Gene gets out of bed.
• What would Gene like the world to know about Kate?

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Gene is the mother of five children and grandmother to five children. Gene recently lost her 24-year old daughter to heroin two years ago and her older son, who is 33 years old, has terminal cancer. Gene has lost a child and is about to lose a second child and she shares how God has helped her through the passing of her daughter. She also shares coping strategies the various people in her family used and how they were different from her own. The best advice and comfort she received from others were typically from people who have lost themselves and understood deeply the pain that she was and is currently going through. 

Key Takeaways:

• Gene lost her 24-year-old daughter to heroin. 
• How has prayer helped Gene cope with her loss? 
• The recovery rate of heroin addicts is between 2-4%. 
• Gene’s older son, who is 33 years old, was diagnosed with a rare genetic cancer. It is terminal. 
• People are desperate to help your family, but they go about it the wrong way. 
• “You’re so strong.” Takes away the griever’s permission. 
• Gene and everyone in her family grieve very differently. It was even hard for Gene to not give advice to her family. She learned sometimes you need to keep your mouth shut and recognize that this is just a terrible situation. 
• Gene and her husband also had to learn how to overcome this together. They both grieve differently and it was a give and take. 
• How would Gene like people to help her through her grief? 
• Your friends go back to their regular lives at the 2-3 week mark, but you’re not done grieving after 3 weeks. 
• We suck at helping people in pain! 
• Gene believes Jesus died on the cross and arose from the dead so that he could open the gates of heaven for us. 
• We are in the beginnings of a pandemic and people are going to suffer in a lot of ways. 
• Those that have passed on are waiting for us in a better place. That’s how Gene gets out of bed.
• What would Gene like the world to know about Kate? 

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

To continue from episode one, my daughter, Madison, shares her perspective on coming to terms with the passing of my husband, Paul. Madison opens up and shares what it was like seeing her father become a different person through treatment. She also shares how a lot of her peers did not completely understand what she was going through and she ended up losing life-long friendships because of her grief.

Key Takeaways:

• Madison tried to remain positive, but when mom and dad told her they were stopping treatment, she didn't know how to feel.
• Madison's dad was a weightlifter who loved food, but seeing him become sick by eating the very foods he loved, made it even harder for her to understand what was really going on.
• Madison's dad would cry during major life events like her birthday and when she saw him cry, she broke down too.
• It had been a long time where Paul was sick and Madison was so numb to it all that at first she didn't really know how to take the news that he had passed.
• Dad was always happy and he stopped being the person she knew when he underwent treatment.
• Madison's friendships have changed now that her dad has passed. Her friends didn't really understand that she was hurting and so they stopped talking to her.
• Madison felt shamed for her grieving.
• The adults in her life acted as nothing had happened. She just wanted someone to be there for her.
• People say she's lucky because of the relationship she had developed with her dad, but she doesn't feel lucky.
• How can you show up for a child who has recently lost a parent? Check-in with them and ask how they're doing. Just let them know that they matter and notice them a bit more.
• Madison shares some fun stories about her dad.

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Quotes:

"I thought it would be one of those cancers that would go away."

"There is no one way to grieve, so when I didn't grieve in a way that people were comfortable with, they judged me."

"Losing a parent is a whole new different pain. Me and dad were best friends and he was always there for me."

To continue from episode one, my daughter, Madison, shares her perspective on coming to terms with the passing of my husband, Paul. Madison opens up and shares what it was like seeing her father become a different person through treatment. She also shares how a lot of her peers did not completely understand what she was going through and she ended up losing life-long friendships because of her grief. 

Key Takeaways:

• Madison tried to remain positive, but when mom and dad told her they were stopping treatment, she didn’t know how to feel. 
• Madison’s dad was a weightlifter who loved food, but seeing him become sick by eating the very foods he loved, made it even harder for her to understand what was really going on. 
• Madison’s dad would cry during major life events like her birthday and when she saw him cry, she broke down too. 
• It had been a long time where Paul was sick and Madison was so numb to it all that at first she didn’t really know how to take the news that he had passed. 
• Dad was always happy and he stopped being the person she knew when he underwent treatment. 
• Madison’s friendships have changed now that her dad has passed. Her friends didn’t really understand that she was hurting and so they stopped talking to her. 
• Madison felt shamed for her grieving.
• The adults in her life acted as nothing had happened. She just wanted someone to be there for her. 
• People say she’s lucky because of the relationship she had developed with her dad, but she doesn’t feel lucky. 
• How can you show up for a child who has recently lost a parent? Check-in with them and ask how they’re doing. Just let them know that they matter and notice them a bit more. 
• Madison shares some fun stories about her dad. 

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Quotes:

“I thought it would be one of those cancers that would go away.”

“There is no one way to grieve, so when I didn’t grieve in a way that people were comfortable with, they judged me.” 

“Losing a parent is a whole new different pain. Me and dad were best friends and he was always there for me.” 

My story is that of a lot of love and a lot of loss. My husband felt resentful towards the people who were trying to steal his already-borrowed time, but as I helped him and supported him through his journey, Paul and I became closer than we ever had before. At the end of your life, what matters are the relationships you have, nothing else. For me, it's about connecting with the right people and finding the right path forward. It hasn't been easy. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier than others.

Key Takeaways:

• The story of how I fell in love with Paul. Not only did he become an amazing stepfather to my three children, but we also grew our family by having a baby girl together.
• Paul started to get sick and the doctors didn't know why. He kept getting winded just by doing minimal physical activity.
• Paul finds out he has cancer, it's stage four, and the origin of the cancer is unknown.
• Treatment was tough and Paul was not reacting well to it. He had every side effect you could imagine.
• I saw in Paul's eyes that he wanted to let go and stop treatment. He looked to me for permission and I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life.
• Throughout this whole journey, it was always Paul and I first and it made us grow closer together.
• People had their opinions on how Paul should manage his illness and these comments made him very resentful.
• On December 19th, Paul died peacefully in my arms.
• The first year of my grief journey was shock and numb.
• I regret that I went back to work so soon. I needed time to grieve.
• As my friends and family slowly went away, I felt alone and I had to manage life as a single parent. Year two was filled with heavy grief.
• My daughter was grieving so hard and I was powerless as a parent.
• I hate it when people tell me, "You're so strong." What does this even mean?
• Year three has been a phase of rebuilding for me. I think about Paul every day and I strive to honor his wishes.
• I am grateful for the people in my life.

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Quotes:

"The one thing I was proud of is Paul and I did this together."

"People told him to fight when he felt so defeated and weak and this made him feel weaker."

"I was in a fog most of the time. Overwhelmed by sadness, loneliness, and pain."

My story is that of a lot of love and a lot of loss. My husband felt resentful towards the people who were trying to steal his already-borrowed time, but as I helped him and supported him through his journey, Paul and I became closer than we ever had before. At the end of your life, what matters are the relationships you have, nothing else. For me, it’s about connecting with the right people and finding the right path forward. It hasn’t been easy. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier than others. 

Key Takeaways:

• The story of how I fell in love with Paul. Not only did he become an amazing stepfather to my three children, but we also grew our family by having a baby girl together. 
• Paul started to get sick and the doctors didn’t know why. He kept getting winded just by doing minimal physical activity. 
• Paul finds out he has cancer, it’s stage four, and the origin of the cancer is unknown. 
• Treatment was tough and Paul was not reacting well to it. He had every side effect you could imagine. 
• I saw in Paul’s eyes that he wanted to let go and stop treatment. He looked to me for permission and I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. 
• Throughout this whole journey, it was always Paul and I first and it made us grow closer together. 
• People had their opinions on how Paul should manage his illness and these comments made him very resentful. 
• On December 19th, Paul died peacefully in my arms. 
• The first year of my grief journey was shock and numb. 
• I regret that I went back to work so soon. I needed time to grieve. 
• As my friends and family slowly went away, I felt alone and I had to manage life as a single parent. Year two was filled with heavy grief. 
• My daughter was grieving so hard and I was powerless as a parent. 
• I hate it when people tell me, “You’re so strong.” What does this even mean? 
• Year three has been a phase of rebuilding for me. I think about Paul every day and I strive to honor his wishes. 
• I am grateful for the people in my life.

Get Connected:

Tendrilsofgrief.com

Quotes:

“The one thing I was proud of is Paul and I did this together.”

“People told him to fight when he felt so defeated and weak and this made him feel weaker.” 

“I was in a fog most of the time. Overwhelmed by sadness, loneliness, and pain.”