Overthinking in Your Underwear

No one knows more about sexuality and gender than Gen Z. The rest of us are just catching up and hoping not to offend the world with our old views and misused terms from the 90s.

50% of Gen Z reported during the study a belief that gender is non-binary while 64% said a person’s sexuality is fluid *

This week, my niece, Marli and her friend, Harper, help me understand sexual fluidity, gender and why “everything is a construct.”

Follow the show on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Watch on YouTube.

Reference:https://www.seeher.com/news/passing-the-gender-equality-vibe-check-with-gen-z-from-truth-to-trust/#:~:text=Acceptance%20of%20Non%2DBinary%20and,sexuality%20is%20fluid%20and%20changeable.

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Did you know December 11 is the most popular day of the year for breakups? 

As we approach the annual break up day and the holiday season, Lindsay sits down with relationship expert, Jill Simpson, to discuss six steps to get through a break up.

Learn more about Jill’s online relationship course as well as her at-home Relationship Refresh kit (a great gift for couples) available on Amazon.

Step 1: Don’t try to wrap it up in a bowStep 2: Don’t confuse your emotionsStep 3: Don’t fall in love with a storyStep 4: Don’t fall for the drama, mammaStep 5: Don’t play the ex gameStep 6: Don’t waste your Big Break Up Energy

If you enjoy this episode, listen to Secrets of a Relationship Expert with Jill and Trisha. Or, watch the episode on YouTube.

More advice from my book, Overthinking in Your Underwear.

Check yourself before you reject yourself

* Look at your lessons from the relationship. List them now on your piece of paper.

* Give gratitude for your lessons, whether good or bad. Do this through writing, meditation, or bringing them to mind.

* Clear your conscience. Apologize to your ex if you need to. Do NOT apologize if it’s not necessary.

* Cut off communication at least for a while. This means social media, text, and physically.

* Amp your self-worth through meditation, affirmations, and surrounding yourself with people and friends who know and affirm your value.

* Live with your emotions about the breakup and let it go. Don’t sink into the spectacle of the ending. Tell your friends and YOURSELF you’re done talking about it. Process it and proceed. 

* If friendship is in your future, get real with yourself about your intentions before reaching out to your ex and accepting them back into your life.

Releasing relationships or unhealthy patterns (a meditation)

Below is a meditation for releasing old patterns, whether it’s a relationship, problematic behavior, or a failure. Use it for any situation you want to pick up, put down, and leave in the past. Try it. Then, try it again. And the next day. You’ll be surprised what you can put behind you when you actively decide to detach from it.

Find a quiet meditation space. Sit or lie down, eyes closed. Let yourself ease into the moment for a few minutes. Picture a space of calm, peace, and warmth. See your self-worth tank burning bright in the center of your belly. It’s hot, bubbly, and glowing with self-love. Give it a color that has meaning to you (gold, blue, red, orange, purple). Your self-worth projects out into the Universe and the image in your mind is warm, colorful, and radiant. Stay here for a few moments as your body fills with the light and heat generated by your self-worth.

Next, bring forward what you’d like to work through or release. Let’s say it’s a relationship. Picture the person or something that represents that person. (For instance, an object the person gave you during the relationship.) In front of you is a vault-like door, thick and almost impossible to open. On the door is a large wheel, heavy and rusted over from time.

You walk to the door and turn the wheel. It takes effort to move, but eventually, it clicks into place, and you open the door. The person you are releasing walks through the door, and you shut it behind them with a loud THUD. Again, you painstakingly turn the wheel and it locks into place and latches shut. You walk back to your space of light and warmth and sit down. The relationship is locked in the past. Gone from your present. Shut off from your thinking. 

Walk back to your place of peace and sit down. Focus on your self-worth tank, and see it rise with newly unburdened self-worth. Stay here in this place of peace and warmth for as long as you find pleasing, sinking into the new feeling of lightness and ease. Come out of your mediation and back into your day when you are ready.

DISCLAIMER: Please know that the information shared in this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and not considered therapy or counseling. This is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. If you feel you are in need of therapy at this time, please seek out a counselor in your area.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Thank you for reading Overthinking in Your Underwear, the blog. This post is public so feel free to share it.

In this episode, Lindsay sits down with Elizabeth McFadden, business owner and CEO of Novella Brandhouse to discuss the shift to remote work since the pandemic. How has remote and hybrid work changed office culture? What does the new way we work  mean for employees and business owners? Are we healthier now than we were 20 years ago when Liz and Lindsay started the office grind? Listen now to hear the conversation. 

Follow the show. Or watch on YouTube.

Lindsay sits down with her cousin, Jenna Francella, to discuss childhood labels, birth order, being the youngest, and carrying the label of "the good kid." Learn how the stories we tell ourselves affect us into adulthood and how we can reframe them to serve us better. Ready? Let's overthink it. 🤯

Lindsay sits down with friend, Kim Starr, to hear her incredible story of strength and hope through decades of family breast cancer. As one of five girls, three of Kim's sisters had the BRCA gene including her mother. Hear how their family faced the news, cancer, treatment and grief. Get information on prevention, risks and myths about breast cancer. Visit hwww.nationalbreastcancer.org for more resources.

Donate to the Susan G. Koman Foundation for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.In 2001, Kim Starr and her family were close, raising their family’s together and living near Kansas City, Missouri. Growing up with five sisters, the women were a tight-knit crew with barely an argument in between them.

Their lives came to a halt in 2001 when Krickett was diagnosed with breast cancer, eventually succumbing to the disease two years later. In 2008, another sister, Kaci, discovered a troubling rash, which turned out to be inflammatory breast cancer, leading to her passing a year later.

As the two losses rocked the family, they also brought Kim, her sisters and her mother face-to-face with hereditary breast cancer, or the BRCA mutation.

Listen to the episode or watch on YouTube to hear Kim’s story along with information on the BRCA gene, breast cancer risks, preventions and myths. 

Thank you so much to Kim for sharing her story with us during Breast Cancer Awareness month.

In this episode, Lindsay shares 7 steps to happiness she gathered over years of therapy, workshops, books, podcasts and trying to hack her own happiness.

My friend Owen Black is back! Owen and I chat about imposter syndrome and how to stop playing small in your creative life.

This is a don’t miss convo for writers, creatives or anyone standing on the sideline trying to put themselves out there. We get really deep into the writing and creative process and how to beat back the imposter syndrome that comes with it.

Watch this episode on YouTube. Follow the show wherever you get your podcasts.

DISCLAIMER: Please know that the information shared in this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and not considered therapy or counseling. This is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. If you feel you are in need of therapy at this time, please seek out a counselor in your area.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it

This week, a return guest, Ryan Stober. Ryan and I sit down to discuss drinking too much and getting sober complete with a few embarrassing stories.

Ryan shares his struggle with alcohol starting in high school and carrying into his 40s. Ryan and I both quit drinking and reflect on the why and what of it all including what it’s like to be sober in social situations now that we put down the booze. Thank you to Ryan for his honesty and thoughtfulness on the subject.

Watch this episode on YouTube. Follow the show wherever you get your podcasts.

If you are trying to drink less or understand your relationship with alcohol, I encourage you to listen to Andrew Huberman’s podcast on the effects of alcohol on our body and brain. We’ve been misinformed about the toxicity of alcohol in our body and our lives.Huberman Lab: What Alcohol Does To Your Body Brain and Health

If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to Lindsay and Ryan’s conversation about being single over 40.

For impactful resources for individuals and families seeking recovery. Visit First Call.

If you are looking for treatment options, visit findtreatment.gov

An excerpt from my book Overthinking in Your UnderwearNow on Amazon. Chapter 11:Overthinking and Drinking

I’m not so much a high-functioning alcoholic as I am a low-functioning social drinker. Everyone has a different tolerance for alcohol and mine is painfully low. You could have two drinks and operate a forklift, and when I have two drinks, I can’t lift my fork. It’s something I had to come to terms with in my thirties. Shut’er down. Last call. Tab’s closed.

In high school, I have a swig here or a beer there, but I don’t do any heavyweight drinking until college. For an introvert who’s more comfortable with books than bars, alcohol is the antidote for the new sprint of social interactions. Pre-party shots roll into late-night “after bars” and you float on the fumes of Finlandia until morning. I often drink at whatever pace the night or my friend group demands. My hangovers are wicked and the blackouts, worse. Limits are never learned, and I carry that behavior with me as a graduation gift. 

Out of college, I don’t drink as often, but when I do, my poor tolerance surges back like a recently tapped keg. After a handful of drinks, I struggle to remember the night before and the following day, I puzzle together memories like Guy Pearce with a stack of Polaroids. It’s terrifying, shameful, and embarrassing—even if nothing of note happens. 

But one night something does. I am living in New York enjoying a typical night with friends. Cheers, drink, slur, repeat. I wake up the next morning with a gaping hole where half the night should live. The last thing I remember the sun has only started to dim, but my faculties are out like a light.

After that, it’s only pieces and pictures. The face of a man I don’t know leaning over me. The flare of a flashlight passing over my eyes like headlights on a highway. And pitch granite blackness. That was it. I can’t recall anything else. I speak to a friend who was with me the night before, and she assures me all is well. It was a fun, boozy night, and I left the group to look for a cab as the night ended. Now, I’m home safe, and I shouldn’t overthink it.

A few days later, my anxiety-hangover begins to wane, and I return to my apartment with an armful of groceries. As I head inside a neighbor stops me. She’s a young woman in her twenties who frequently sits outside smoking on our stoop. Before today, we’ve never exchanged more than a cordial head nod.

“Are you okay?” my neighbor asks.

“Oh, hi. Um, yeah, why?” I reply.

“You don't remember, do you?” she says. Nothing rushes back to me, but I know she’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear. 

“You were pretty out of it the other night,” my neighbor says, stomping her cigarette into the pavement. 

“I came outside to smoke, and you were passed out in a cab. Driver was trying to wake you up, flashlight in the eye, the whole thing.” she continues. 

 I look at my feet.

“I showed him where you lived. We carried you to your apartment,” she says. 

I mumble “thank you” or maybe “I’m sorry.”

If I’m being honest, I don’t know what I said. I may have laughed it off as I hurried inside.

If you’re trying to add up those events (like I did), it may have unraveled like this. I left my friends and got in a cab. I gave the driver my cross streets and passed out after telling him my life story and texting two to three ex-boyfriends. When we pulled up to my address, he turned around to find a girl TKO’d without a fight. Everything he has to deal with in a day—traffic, rude passengers, city tumult. And this … this is how he ends his night?

I know … I hated myself, too. But more than that, I hated how little I cared to put myself in a position where maximum bodily harm could’ve found me. That night it didn’t. That night, a few kind people went out of their way to make sure a girl they didn’t know got home safely.

A few weeks later, I saw my therapist and exclaimed, “I’m obviously not an alcoholic,” before launching into current events. After listening attentively to this story and other mishaps over the years, she said gently, “You can have a problem with alcohol without being an alcoholic.” That hit like a straight up martini on a lunch of Baked Lays.

Textbook definitions, online quizzes, and Meg Ryan in her only dramatic role of the ‘90s assured me I didn’t have a problem. I never drank alone. I’d go weeks without a sip. I didn’t even like the taste. But realizing alcohol may not suit your life, your personality, and could become problematic? That was an ahhh to the freaking haaa for me.

I took a hard look in the mirror and a glance at my drinking past. The reality is, I wasn’t in control. I’d begin a night out thinking, “Well, anything can happen!” That’s a fun motto for Mardi Gras but not so much for a Tuesday work dinner.

I catalogued all the times I nuked relationships or acted in a way that tanked my self-worth and without fail— alcohol was at the helm. There I was … fighting against the current to win this self-love game, yet refusing to remove the one thing that kept pulling me under like that girl in the first scene of JAWS.

I wish I could tell you I never drank again, but that’s not true. I didn’t drink for a long time. And a few years later, I made a deal with myself to only drink on special occasions and in situations I felt safe. Even then, I had to trust that one drink didn’t morph into six, and I wouldn’t wake up with a flashlight in my face.

Pseudo sober

Choosing to be on the sober side of things is  physically gratifying and socially interesting. On a rare occasion, I have a drink, but on the whole, I choose to live without alcohol. There's a word for it now. They call it “sober curious,” which sounds like something everyone tries “just once” in college. For me, it’s the right choice. I don’t want the fog of the night before rolling in the next morning like the beginning of a “Dateline Special.” The aches of too much alcohol are pains I can live without.

The hard part is the beginning. At first, your friends won’t understand your new way of being. In time, it becomes a known fact. “Oh, she doesn’t drink,” they say to the waiter before he can even hand over the wine list. It goes without mentioning after a while, and you don’t have to explain it. But at first, you do. You have to tell every person you ever happied-your-hour with that things are different now. You have to say, “I’m just not drinking tonight.” Or, “I have a big meeting tomorrow.” Or lie, “I had too much last night.” It's bizarre, right? We invent excuses for why we chose a healthier lifestyle because the ritual of drinking is held as hero in our culture. 

I don’t go through the theatrics anymore. I say, “I’m not much of a drinker.” And I leave it there. Without further explanation. No excuses necessary.

Owning your “oops”

I beat myself up for a long time about the way I acted with my drinking. But I needed to own it, accept it, and forgive myself. In the beginning, I took time each month to reflect on how far I’d come. “Wow, I drank Diet Coke during a four-hour happy hour and actually had fun.” I chose to be proud of my progress rather than looking back and shrinking small into regret. You can’t practice self-love and overflow your self-worth until you forgive yourself and stop replaying mistakes from your past.

Put the “u” in trust

Over the years there were habits I aimed to quit—drinking, bad relationship patterns, not showing up for others. I lied aloud saying, “Oh, it was just a bad night,” or “I’ll do better next time.” I’d make a promise to the person in the mirror and break it like a glow stick at a rave. Afterward, I not only carried the consequence of my actions, but every stumble sliced at my self-worth.

The trust you build with yourself is more meaningful than any other relationship. Whether you’re preaching to the choir or mumbling to your inner monologue, your words have weight. If you decide to quit a behavior or begin a routine—follow through for YOU. Behave in a way that’s consistent and show up for yourself before anyone else.

Baby steps

If you wake up on the wrong side of a night, it can feel like you’ll never be right again. Focus on “the next step” to help take positive action without becoming overwhelmed with the marathon of decisions in front of you.

You can't go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are right now and change the ending.—C.S. Lewis

In the drinking example, maybe the next step is a bit of exercise to make you feel better. Focus on that step and that step only, no overthinking. The next step after that is eating something healthy. And the next step after that is a good night’s sleep because your body needs it.

If you find it helpful, write the five steps you need to address for that week. Focus on your “five step list,” no overthinking beyond that. Tackle your “five step list” for as many weeks as you need. Little by little, these small steps lead to higher ground where you can handle larger decisions and bigger life changes.

The hard stuff

Recently, I shared this chapter with a friend and she shook her head saying, “I had a night almost exactly like that.” My story is more ordinary than outrageous and that’s what we need to overthink.

We assume unnatural postures under the premise of having a good time, chasing the guy, or being the life of the party. Alcoholic or problem drinker, sober or pseudo sober, the label doesn’t matter. I was recklessly toying with common sense and, as women, we don’t have the luxury to be this careless. It’s up to us to know our limits, mamma bear our well-being, and tuck ourselves in at the end of the night. 

Let’s overthink it

To get started, grab a notebook, a writing utensil, and open to a blank sheet of paper. Find a quiet spot to sit where you can overthink your thoughts.

On the left side of the paper, write a behavior you’re working through: “smoking, drinking, gambling, too much social media, etc.”

On the right side of the paper, write a gratitude(s) that comes with ceasing that behavior, “I feel clear headed in the morning. I have more energy, etc.”

At the bottom of the paper, jot down a few “go-to” activities to replace the behavior you’re trying to leave behind. Your list may look like this:

If I want a drink or a cigarette, I will:

Work out

Walk my dog

Go for a hike

Meditate or journal

Cook or meal prep for the week

Call a friend

These activities are personal to your life, and my list may be way off your course of interests. Create a list that motivates and inspires you. Keep these activities top of mind, so you know how to curb the urge.

Why ask why

If you’ve been close to a person with a substance abuse disorder, you know this much—you can’t be someone’s reason for quitting. Everyone has to find their “why” and do it for themselves. If you’re trying to quit a behavior, find your “why.” Maybe it’s “for your son.” Or, “this is for my self-worth.” Or, “I’ll never make partner if I continue. This is for my career.” Choose an object that represents your reason for quitting and keep it nearby. Find your “why” and hold tight.

DISCLAIMER: Please know that the information shared in this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and not considered therapy or counseling. This is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. If you feel you are in need of therapy at this time, please seek out a counselor in your area.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it

This week, a solo pod on Shame and how it shapes us.

Two stories, two different paths of shame

* Swiffer Girl

* Monica Lewinsky

Ready? Let's overthink it:

* Shame and how it shapes us 

* Owning your story

* Taking control of your narrative

Overthinking in Your Underwear is available anywhere you find podcasts. Follow the show.

References used in the telling of this story:https://thecinemaholic.com/danielle-miller-where-is-the-con-artist-now/https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monica_Lewinsky

https://www.hulu.com/series/the-age-of-influence-69eeeb12-2e7c-4eb6-bbb4-a03778e8c36chttps://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

DISCLAIMER: Please know that the information shared in this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and not considered therapy or counseling. This is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. If you feel you are in need of therapy at this time, please seek out a counselor in your area.

Lindsay sits down with relationship expert, Jill Simpson, to discuss myths about sex, sex when you're single, and sex coupled-up. Grab insights on sex in your 40s, talking to your kids about sex, chemistry, and timelines for sex. Plus, how often do most married couples have sex anyway? Ready? Let's overthink it.