A midlife crisis isn't actually a crisis. That's the challenge Jody Brooks puts to anyone who's ever felt lost, restless, or quietly convinced something's wrong with them somewhere around 40 or 50: what looks like burnout, and what people love to write off as a freakout, is more often a calling. His own arrived at lunchtime at the office, buzzing canteen and all, when he found himself sitting in a restroom cubicle, crying so hard he could barely breathe. No brutal meeting that morning. No disaster. Just the quiet moment his body picked to file its formal complaint: burnout wasn't a "rough patch" anymore, it was a full-body shutdown.

I've been a therapist for 18 years, and I can tell you: high performers do this. We white-knuckle through "one more day" (and one more, and one more) until the body stops asking politely. Sound familiar? Jody is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach who once survived 52 flights in eight months of what he calls "jazz hands" performing, and his calling-not-crisis framework is asking you to come home to yourself.

We get into how to spot the full-body warning signs before you hit your own cubicle moment, how to settle anxiety in the moment it spikes (not three weeks and one forced sabbatical later), and Jody's wonderfully backwards first step for anyone feeling stuck: don't start something new. Start stopping.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfi9lec7n2o

In this episode

• Why burnout can feel like "just a bad day" until it suddenly isn't, and how to recognize the full-body warning signs before you hit the wall
• Why a midlife crisis isn't really a crisis at all: it's a calling to reconnect with who you actually are
• The anxiety-regulation technique Jody uses with coaching clients to come back from a stress spiral in real time
• Why you can't be "out of alignment" until you know what alignment actually means, and how to find your starting point
• The "start stopping" exercise for anyone who wants change but doesn't know where to begin
• How understanding your core values turns boundaries from something scary into something guilt-free

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet midlife and burnout coach Jody Brooks
• (01:47) The restroom-cubicle "pile of ash" moment: burnout as a full-body shutdown
• (04:34) The three-hour drive home, and the decision to stop
• (06:43) Fear, anxiety, and the "one small thing" that finally breaks us
• (10:10) Jody's technique for regulating anxiety and stress in the moment
• (13:59) What alignment really means (and the bus analogy)
• (19:39) Why younger generations and midlifers experience burnout differently
• (24:37) The blank-page moment: reclaiming your story through empowerment
• (25:43) "Start stopping": Jody's first step for anyone feeling stuck
• (29:21) Boundaries, core values, and why saying no is an act of service
• (33:17) Where to find Jody and his free resources

About Jody Brooks

Jody Brooks is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach and the founder of Authentic Coaching. After burning out during a high-pressure international career in education (one stretch included 52 flights in eight months) he developed the nine principles of authentic living, a practical framework that helps people turn crisis into connection and sustainable well-being.

Learn more and join his free community at Jody's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "I actually can't go back." —Jody Brooks, on the moment burnout finally broke through "Start stopping. Stopping what no longer serves you." —Jody Brooks "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." —Jody Brooks Resources mentioned

• AuthenticCoaching.me: Jody's website and free community, home to the "Start Stopping" exercise and the anxiety-regulation technique he mentions on the show
• Jody's nine principles of authentic living (his coaching framework, discussed throughout the episode)
• Jody Brooks on LinkedIn

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Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Two in the morning. Sitting on the toilet, clothed, bawling into a pillow, because a broken PC was the last thing standing between him and the self-employed life he wanted so badly he could feel it in his teeth. That's where my guest this week hit rock bottom: not one dramatic collapse, but months of computer problems piling on top of a dream that felt like it was never going to happen. A client shared one quote with him that day, and Aaron Ryan has carried it in his back pocket for almost twenty years since: "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success."

Aaron is an award-winning, bestselling author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (one installment is being pitched to streaming networks right now), plus dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books, and he's also a working voice actor. We talk about the "Illuminati" he ran into at the top of the voiceover industry, the sting of writing 300 blog posts meant to encourage people only to be told they were "nothing," and why he walked away from that world entirely to go back to his first love: storytelling. Aaron also shares his best advice for anyone starting out as a writer (be authentic, steer clear of generative AI, and grow thick skin fast), and the 9/11 historical novel he wrote as an act of catharsis, imagining a world where the attacks never happened.

If you've ever felt like an imposter next to people who seem to have it all figured out, or you're right on the edge of giving up on something you can feel in your teeth, this conversation is the reminder that the breakdown right before the breakthrough is often just... the process.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHeG1Oqaspc

In this episode

• The quote Aaron has carried for almost 20 years, and the two memory sticks that changed his entire career
• Why running into "the Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and being told his encouragement blogs were "nothing," turned out to be his breakthrough in disguise
• Aaron's advice for anyone who wants to write a book: be authentic, avoid generative AI, and grow thick skin fast
• Why holding a finished book in your hands matters more than whether anyone buys it
• How Aaron turned personal catharsis into fiction, including a 9/11 historical novel where the attacks never happen
• What "breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat" really looks like over a creative career

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning author Aaron Ryan
• (01:38) The Dissonance saga, Hollywood pitches, and film festival wins
• (03:04) The young author's club at age 10, and being "fated" to write
• (04:39) Advice for new writers: be authentic, avoid AI, grow thick skin
• (07:38) Imposter syndrome, and the 7,500 books published on Amazon every day
• (09:57) "The Electric Boy": writing his first "book" at age seven
• (13:20) Why Aaron writes sci-fi, post-apocalyptic, and dystopian fiction
• (16:57) The "Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and walking away from it
• (22:46) 2007: leaving full-time work, and the PC that wouldn't stop breaking
• (24:12) Bawling into a pillow at 2am, and the quote that changed everything
• (26:31) Breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat
• (28:31) Aaron's favorite books: The End Omega, and a 9/11 novel where the attacks never happen
• (35:00) Where to find Aaron and his books

About Aaron Ryan

Aaron Ryan is an award-winning and best-selling author, speaker, panelist, workshop presenter, and voice actor. He's the author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (currently being pitched to streaming networks), the Christian dystopian series The End, the 9/11 historical fiction novel Forecast, and dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books. He lives in Washington with his wife, two sons, and a small menagerie of pets.

Learn more at Aaron's website, or join his free community for screenplay updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances.

Favorite quotes "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success." —a line Aaron Ryan has carried in his back pocket for almost 20 years "If you can steer clear of AI, please do. Don't outsource your work to a chip." —Aaron Ryan "I must create or I'm gonna blow up, I'll explode." —Aaron Ryan Resources mentioned

• AuthorAaronRyan.com: Aaron's website, with links to all his books and social channels
• Aaron's free Facebook community: screenplay status updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances
• Dissonance, Aaron's six-book alien invasion saga
• The End Omega, the finale of Aaron's Christian dystopian series
• Forecast, Aaron's 9/11 historical fiction novel

Related episodes

• From Rock Bottom to Mountain Top: Interview with Kevin Palmieri: another guest's road from the bottom back up
• From Tragedy to Triumph: Rhonda Britten's Path to a Fearless Life: more on turning devastation into a fearless second act
• From the Edge of Suicide to the Grace of Grief: another raw conversation about finding hope in the darkest moment

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Four years of chronic pain. A fibromyalgia diagnosis. Muscle relaxers, pain pills, migraines, MRI after MRI. And through all of it, my guest this week kept hearing the same quiet voice: something doesn't fit. Rebecca Russell listened to it anyway, tracked down a neurosurgeon, and asked for one test nobody else had run: a discogram. It found the bulging disc that had been the actual problem the whole time, and eighty-five percent of her symptoms disappeared after surgery.

Rebecca is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, certified essential oil specialist, and author who's spent more than three decades turning her own health crises, a prediabetes warning in her thirties and years of unexplained chronic pain, into a holistic approach she now teaches other people. We talk about the difference between managing symptoms and finding root cause, how to bring up wanting to try something holistic without blowing up the relationship with a doctor you've trusted for decades, and the "black year" she spent as a stay-at-home mom feeling brain-dead and guilty for wanting more, before a community-college pamphlet turned into an unexpected ten-year path to becoming a published novelist.

If you've ever been told your labs are "normal" while you know something is wrong, Rebecca's message is blunt and useful: do your homework, and don't let anyone, including a doctor you love, talk you out of your own intuition.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa0h2DJgFWg

In this episode

• Why Rebecca trusted her own intuition over four years of doctors telling her to just manage the pain, and the one test that finally found the root cause
• How a lifestyle overhaul helped Rebecca avoid a lifetime of medication after a prediabetes warning in her thirties
• The self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love formula Rebecca built to help people figure out what they actually need
• Why she calls herself "the Queen of Homework," and how to research a health decision your doctor won't have time to
• How essential oils helped Rebecca get off a nightly sleep medication, and how each oil ties to an emotional need
• Her "black year" as a stay-at-home mom, and the writing-class pamphlet that turned into a decade-long path to publication

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet metabolism and lifestyle coach Rebecca Russell
• (02:10) From Harlequin romance novelist to competitive athlete
• (04:52) The rec ice hockey high, and the fibromyalgia diagnosis that followed
• (07:08) Watching family members struggle on the traditional medical path
• (09:04) The American Diabetes Society's shift toward prevention and reversal
• (11:39) The discogram: the one test nobody else had run
• (13:34) The statin Rebecca refused, and the thyroid issue that was the real cause
• (16:05) How to bring up holistic options without losing your traditional doctor
• (19:50) Why Rebecca calls herself "the Queen of Homework"
• (20:23) Essential oils, sleep, and getting off a nightly medication
• (24:35) The "black year": stay-at-home motherhood, guilt, and losing her sense of self
• (28:22) The writing-class pamphlet that led to a published novel ten years later
• (35:15) Boundaries, self-acceptance, and letting other people's opinions go

About Rebecca Russell

Rebecca Russell is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, author, and certified essential oil specialist who believes resilience begins with how we care for our bodies. After being told she was likely headed toward type 2 diabetes, she chose a different path and has spent more than 30 years embracing a holistic lifestyle to change the trajectory of her health, including recovering from a four-year battle with chronic pain that led to a fibromyalgia diagnosis.

Learn more at Rebecca's website, where you can request a free wellness consultation.

Favorite quotes "Listen to your body. Listen to that intuition." —Rebecca Russell "Root cause is so important." —Rebecca Russell "You have to know yourself well enough to know what you need to be happy." —Rebecca Russell Resources mentioned

• RebeccaRussell.com: Rebecca's website and free wellness consultation offer
• Rebecca's book, which includes companion journal pages for each chapter (available as a free download through Rebecca directly)
• The American Diabetes Society's preventative, low-carb approach to autoimmune conditions including diabetes
• Uncover Your Light, a nonfiction anthology on stories of hope and resilience featuring a chapter by Rebecca

Related episodes

• How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma: more on learning to listen to your own body and instincts again
• How Your Survival Brain Is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the science behind why we override our own signals
• How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: pairs with Rebecca's root-cause approach to chronic health struggles

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest this week has a word for himself I'd never heard before: "entrepreholic." Over 39 years, Chris Shurian has built, operated, bought, broken, and resurrected companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. He's also survived cancer and finished two Ironmans. And in 2008, when the economy crashed, he was so extended, so "all in, all in, all in," as he puts it, that he spent the next two years meeting with his banker once a week just to survive it.

We talk about what it actually felt like to launch out on his own the first time (scary, but young enough that the stakes felt low), the mindset that got him through the 2008 collapse (he sold his boat and his Corvette for cash instead of losing them to the bank, because he'd paid cash for his toys in the first place), and why he now believes setting boundaries isn't a personal luxury for entrepreneurs, it's a core business strategy. Chris also shares the "work to live" question that reframed his whole career, and why four focused hours in his office can outperform someone else's fourteen.

If you're building something and starting to feel like the business owns you instead of the other way around, Chris's story of setting his own hours from day one, and watching his business and his customers adapt to it, is worth the whole episode.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nsQRwz6r5I

In this episode

• Why "life balance isn't a luxury, it's a core business strategy" for entrepreneurs
• The mindset shift that turned "scared" into "excited" for Chris during the 2008 financial collapse
• Why paying cash for the boat, the Corvette, and the cabin saved Chris's family when the bank came calling
• How setting one firm boundary (a standing day off, a closed office door) trains your business and your customers to respect it
• Why entrepreneurs who "jump ship" too early into a new opportunity often sabotage the one that's already working
• The life balance wheel exercise Chris still uses with his coaching clients today

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" Chris Shurian
• (01:58) The word "entrepreholic," and why it's different from "serial entrepreneur"
• (04:57) What launching out on his own for the first time actually felt like
• (06:54) The fence-building side hustle that turned into a contracting career
• (09:50) Bartering, visibility, and getting your work seen
• (13:11) Building a remodeling empire, and the year everything grew too fast
• (14:59) Neuroplasticity: reframing "scared" as "excited"
• (17:23) The 2008 crash: two years of weekly meetings with the banker
• (18:09) Why paying cash for the boat and the Corvette saved the family
• (20:08) Imposter syndrome as a coach, and the value of hard-won experience
• (24:30) Where Chris lost his own boundaries: jumping ship on the main business too early
• (28:20) "Do you live to work, or do you work to live?"
• (33:50) Where to find Chris and his coaching

About Chris Shurian

Chris Shurian is a self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" who has spent 39 years building, operating, breaking, and resurrecting companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. In his own words: "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." He now coaches business owners and entrepreneurs, drawing on decades of building, losing, and rebuilding.

Learn more at Chris's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." —Chris Shurian "I am absolutely a work to live kind of guy." —Chris Shurian "I can get more done in four hours in my office than some people get done in two or three days." —Chris Shurian Resources mentioned

• BootstrapsAndBattleScars.com: Chris's platform, coaching, and podcast
• Chris Shurian on LinkedIn
• The life balance wheel, an exercise Chris uses with coaching clients to spot where their life is out of balance

Related episodes

• Setting Boundaries for Well-Being and Success: more on why boundaries drive success instead of limiting it
• Entrepreneurial Success: Habits of a Maverick: another entrepreneur's take on the habits that make the long game possible
• Vision and Heart: One Entrepreneur's Journey: another founder's road through building, losing, and rebuilding

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a hand-written sign taped to a bus stop in Japan: "I'm 87, I don't have a family. Would some family take me?" No one answered. He died a couple of months later. That story, from my guest this week, is the starkest snapshot I've ever heard of what loneliness researcher Dr. Anthony Silard calls a global epidemic, and the twist is who it's hitting hardest: not the oldest of us, but the youngest.

Anthony is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority on relationships, emotional intelligence, and personal transformation, and he's the author of the new book Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love. We get into the real difference between loneliness (which he calls the trash) and solitude (the treasure), his four-plateau model for moving toward love, and why parents need to be their kid's "emotion elevator" instead of handing over a screen every time a feeling gets hard. Anthony also makes the case, backed by his own research, for ditching "forgive and forget" for good: forgiveness is something you do for yourself, trust is something you decide about the relationship, and they are not the same choice.

If you've ever wondered whether you're lonely or just alone, or you've been calling resentment "forgiveness" without realizing it, this conversation hands you the language for both.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkiYyQ_Nj-U

In this episode

• Why today's loneliest generation isn't the oldest, it's the youngest, and what's driving it
• The real difference between loneliness (trash) and solitude (treasure), and how to move toward the second
• Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice, and what to do instead: forgive and remember, lightly
• The difference between forgiveness (for you) and trust (for the relationship), and why you can have one without the other
• What it means to be your child's "emotion elevator," and what happens when that job gets outsourced to a screen
• Why comparing yourself to everyone else on your bus is quietly making loneliness worse

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Dr. Anthony Silard, author of Love and Suffering
• (01:49) Why Anthony studies loneliness: his own early experience with it
• (03:14) The exponential rise in loneliness since the first iPhone
• (06:15) The loneliness epidemic by the numbers: the Cigna study, the UK's minister for loneliness, and the 87-year-old's sign
• (09:34) Loneliness vs. solitude: trash and treasure
• (12:14) Why today's loneliest generation is the youngest, not the oldest
• (16:58) Being your child's "emotion elevator," and the conversational duet
• (23:01) The decline of empathy, and the truth about the "self-absorption" myth
• (27:30) Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice
• (28:27) Forgiveness vs. trust: two different decisions
• (31:14) Where to find Anthony and his free books

About Dr. Anthony Silard

Dr. Anthony Silard is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority in relationships, leadership, emotional intelligence, relational healing, and personal transformation. He earned his doctorate at IESE Business School in Barcelona and is one of the two most-published researchers on loneliness in organizations, alongside Sarah Wright in New Zealand. He's the author of Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love (2025) and the previous book Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, and he coaches CEOs and senior leaders at companies including Toyota, Apple, Google, and Boeing.

Learn more at Anthony's website, or grab his two free books, "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship."

Favorite quotes "Loneliness is a negative distressing emotion associated with being alone. Solitude is a positive strengthening emotion associated with being alone." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Resentment is what you feel while the other person's out dancing." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Trust is necessary for relationship development." —Dr. Anthony Silard Resources mentioned

• Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love, Anthony's book on his four-plateau "love progression model"
• Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, Anthony's previous book on screens and relationships
• Two free books: "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship," available at TheArtOfLivingFree.org
• The Cigna loneliness study (2018 and 2020) cited on the rise in adult American loneliness

Related episodes

• Beyond Forgive and Forget: The Real Secret to Letting Go: a deeper dive into exactly the forgiveness-vs-trust distinction Anthony draws in this episode
• Curiosity: The Bridge to Connection: more on what it actually takes to move from isolation to real connection
• Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Connection: An Interview with Coach Lee Hopkins: another conversation on what genuine connection requires

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a high school track meet: a sixteen-pound shot put thrown the wrong direction, a burst spleen, three weeks in a hospital bed. That's how my guest this week learned, at sixteen or seventeen, that avoiding failure is exactly what guarantees it. Mark DeCarlo woke up after three days unconscious to a doctor telling him ten more minutes and he'd have been dead, and he's spent every day since orienting his choices around one question: will this make me more happy or less happy?

Mark is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer (also, if you had a kid in the 2000s, the voice of Hugh Neutron). We get into why he believes fear is always and only self-destructive, never useful once you're past outrunning actual predators, and why failing on purpose, over and over, is the only way to find out what you actually like. Mark also walks through the "ten times" exercise for identifying your own happiness, and calls out the biggest myth keeping high performers stuck: that you have to suffer now to be happy later.

If you're one of my high performers white-knuckling through burnout because you think the money has to come first, this one's for you. Mark's simple two-bucket framework for burnout, and his blunt reminder that no one's getting out of this alive, might be exactly the permission slip you need to stop postponing your own happiness.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tc9hy5ItJ4

In this episode

• Why avoiding failure is what actually guarantees it, and how a near-death shot-put accident taught Mark to use happiness as his life's "North Star"
• Why fear is always and only self-destructive, and the difference between fear and healthy caution
• The "ten times" exercise for finding out what actually makes you happy, not what you think should
• Why working harder now to be happy "later" is backwards, and what to do instead
• How losing 80 pounds by telling everyone his goal, instead of hiding it, taught Mark the power of public accountability
• The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Emmy-winning comedian Mark DeCarlo
• (01:16) The near-death shot-put accident that reoriented Mark's whole life
• (03:06) Why time, not money, is the resource you can't get back
• (04:30) Try everything: finding what you like by crossing off what you don't
• (06:19) Fear vs. caution, and why fear is always self-destructive
• (07:57) Thomas Edison, failure, and the scientific method for finding happiness
• (09:47) Chaos, entropy, and why happiness has to come before the money
• (16:02) How do you actually know if you're happy? Spotting the dopamine trap
• (19:34) Losing 80 pounds: the power of telling everyone your goal
• (21:30) "If you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough"
• (24:15) Doing it scared: fear doesn't get the final vote
• (31:02) The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one
• (35:12) Where to find Mark and his work

About Mark DeCarlo

Mark DeCarlo is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer. He's also the voice of Hugh Neutron on Nickelodeon's Jimmy Neutron and a former travel show host. After a near-death accident in high school, he built his career and his life around a single question: does this choice make me more happy or less happy?

Learn more at Mark's website, or follow him on Instagram.

Favorite quotes "Fear is only and always self-destructive." —Mark DeCarlo "And if you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough." —Mark DeCarlo "No one's getting out of this alive." —Mark DeCarlo Resources mentioned

• MarkDeCarloSpeaker.com: Mark's website
• Mark DeCarlo TV on Instagram: Mark's travel content and updates

Related episodes

• The Fear Trap: more on why fear keeps us stuck, and how to stop letting it drive the car
• How Your Survival Brain Is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the science behind why chasing happiness feels so much harder than it should
• How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: pairs with Mark's two-bucket burnout framework from this episode

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Would your young adult be able to survive without you? That's the question my guest Joanna Lilley says every parent should be able to answer, and if your gut response is "no" or "I don't know," she's got thoughts. Joanna is a therapeutic consultant who works exclusively with what she calls "emerging adults," people 18 and up who are unraveling in college or not thriving in adulthood, and after years in the field she's convinced young adults are more stuck than ever: not because they're lazy, but because they're paralyzed by too many options and too little structure.

Joanna's practice, Lilley Consulting, has helped young adults find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources since 2016. We get into why "too many choices" can freeze someone as badly as too few, the difference between a real boundary and plain distress intolerance, and her blunt advice for parents: don't let fear keep you from holding one, and don't try to be your own kid's therapist.

Whether you're the parent lying awake wondering if you're helping or enabling, or the 20-something wondering why "adulting" feels impossible, Joanna's got a roadmap that doesn't require pretending anyone has all the answers.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHXcxINrWCM

In this episode

• Why young adults are more stuck than ever, and how "too many options" can paralyze decision-making more than too few
• The question Joanna says every parent should be able to answer: would your young adult survive without you?
• Why "the path to hell is paved with good intentions" when parents try to be their kid's therapist or coach
• The real difference between a boundary and plain distress intolerance
• How to build structure and forward momentum for a young adult who skips (or leaves) college
• Practical guardrails for gaming, codependent parenting, and job-hopping, without the shame spiral

Timestamps

• (00:02) Welcome and introducing therapeutic consultant Joanna Lilley
• (01:48) Why Joanna went back to grad school, and the assistantship that made it possible
• (04:54) Why she chose to work exclusively with "emerging adults"
• (08:24) What young adults are actually struggling with right now
• (10:11) Why more options can create more stuckness, not less
• (12:35) The dark question: would your young adult survive without you?
• (17:06) Holding a boundary without letting fear drive your parenting
• (22:40) Building structure and momentum for a young adult who skips college
• (28:01) Gaming, codependent parenting, and why the average young adult may have nine careers
• (34:07) The difference between a real boundary and distress intolerance
• (41:38) Where to find Joanna, her blog, and her podcast, Success Is Subjective

About Joanna Lilley

Joanna Lilley is a therapeutic consultant and founder of Lilley Consulting, which since 2016 has helped young adults 18-plus find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources. She dedicates herself to working solely with emerging adults who unravel in college or aren't thriving in adulthood, and hosts her own podcast, Success Is Subjective.

Learn more, read her blog, and find her podcast at LilleyConsulting.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "Would your young adult be able to survive without you?" —Joanna Lilley "The path to hell is paved with good intentions." —Joanna Lilley, on parents trying to be their own kid's therapist "It's okay to not know at 18 what you're gonna do the rest of your life, because nobody did." —Joanna Lilley Resources mentioned

• LilleyConsulting.com: Joanna's site, blog, and consulting practice for young adults and families
• Success Is Subjective, Joanna's own podcast
• Joanna Lilley on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• How to Overcome Anxiety and Network with Confidence: More support for young adults navigating the anxiety Joanna describes around careers and next steps.
• How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: A deeper look at why the brain freezes up when facing too many choices.
• Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: More on the real difference between a boundary and avoidance, the distinction Joanna draws here.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture coming home to a business card tucked into your door jamb. It says "coroner's unit, robbery unit," with a handwritten note: call me please. That's how my guest Mandi Pratt found out, a year after leaving an abusive marriage, that the FBI had been hunting her ex-husband for six to nine months, for a string of bank robberies. If you've ever wondered how to trust your intuition after trauma, when your own mind has been trained to doubt itself, this is the episode that shows you how, from someone whose story was on the news twice.

Mandi transformed that plot twist into a framework for self-leadership and resilience, and now helps individuals and organizations understand how stress and survival responses affect decision-making, boundaries, and wellbeing. We get into what "survival mode" actually looks like when you're a single mom of a toddler with a criminal case unfolding around you, why validation (not advice) is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD, and Mandi's simple "happy list," a menu of go-to things that help her regulate when she can't think straight enough to help herself.

Twenty years out, Mandi is remarried, her son is grown, and she's still learning what it means for a nervous system to finally feel safe enough to rest.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDUahmDXqOU

In this episode

• How to trust your intuition after trauma, starting with Mandi's first step: learning to actually pause
• What "survival mode" really looks like when you're a single parent with a criminal case unfolding around you
• Why validation, not advice, is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD (and what it sounds like)
• How to vet the people you lean on after abuse, and why "are you sure? he seems so nice" does real damage
• Mandi's "happy list": a pre-made menu of things that help, for the days you can't think straight enough to choose
• Why your body can fall apart once it finally feels safe, and why that's not a setback

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and introducing self-leadership expert Mandi Pratt
• (01:52) The FBI business card in the door jamb
• (03:24) Learning her ex had been robbing banks for months
• (07:19) Survival mode as a single mom: no time for emotional processing
• (08:21) Institutional betrayal, and why the resources just weren't there yet
• (11:15) Leaning on pets, movement, and time outside when talk therapy wasn't enough
• (12:36) Why intuition alarm bells get rationalized away, especially for women
• (15:29) The patterning that keeps trauma survivors from saying no
• (18:03) Why validation alone cuts complex PTSD risk by three times
• (21:11) The pile of ash: finding the "light at the end of the tunnel" one micro-step at a time
• (25:19) Moving from fight-or-flight, and why it took 20 years, not 20 days
• (29:14) The "happy list": Mandi's go-to menu for regulating on the hard days
• (31:41) Where to find Mandi, her intuition quiz, and her free five-day challenge

About Mandi Pratt

Mandi Pratt is a speaker and self-leadership expert who turned a life-shattering crisis, leaving an abusive marriage only to learn her ex-husband was wanted by the FBI for bank robbery, into a framework for helping individuals and organizations move from fight-or-flight into clarity, confidence, and inner stability.

Take her free intuition quiz at womenawareandprepared.com/quiz, or learn more at mandipratt.com. She's also on Instagram as "Women Aware and Prepared" and on LinkedIn under her own name.

Favorite quotes "Even with unhealthy relationships, a lot of times we will get those intuition alarm bells going off. But a lot of times we rationalize it." —Mandi Pratt "You don't have to keep living that way. You don't have to keep hustle, hustle, hustle. Your nervous system can't take that anymore." —Mandi Pratt "If you just validate, that sounds so hard, and I am so sorry that you're going through that. I hear you." —Mandi Pratt, on what actually helps someone in crisis Resources mentioned

• Mandi's free intuition quiz, plus a five-day challenge to strengthen your intuition after taking it
• MandiPratt.com: Mandi's site
• Mandi on Instagram and LinkedIn as "Women Aware and Prepared" / Mandi Pratt

Related episodes

• The Hidden Tactics Narcissists Use to Control You: More on the post-separation abuse and manipulation patterns Mandi navigated with her ex.
• Surviving Gaslighters and Manipulators: A companion look at rebuilding trust in your own perception after abuse.
• How Unresolved Trauma Is Ruling Your Life: More on why the body keeps score long after the danger has passed, as Mandi describes.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a school counselor's office with a shoebox of sand tucked under the desk. A parent is on the phone getting heated, and while she listens, my guest slips off one shoe and presses her foot into the sand until she can practically smell the ocean. Thirty seconds later, she's steady again. That trick is one of dozens Dianne Andree uses to reclaim her energy when she's burned out, and she's spent more than 25 years in education and mental health learning how.

Dianne is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist who stood on the brink of burnout herself as a school counselor and administrator, to the point she nearly left the field entirely. We get into the difference between American "hurry culture" and how the rest of the world treats rest (something she noticed firsthand representing the U.S. on a panel with a dozen other countries in India), why "I should be doing more" is the thought that burns high performers out the fastest, and her "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's.

We also cover the four biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in her coaching, and why "stop shoulding on yourself" might be the best boundary advice you hear all year.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwhVSoFLrwI

In this episode

• Why reclaiming your energy when you're burned out starts with noticing the sleep that never actually rests you
• The "hurry culture" habit most Americans don't even realize they have, and what other countries do differently
• Dianne's "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's
• The "30-second reset" she teaches for when things start to spiral
• Why "stop shoulding on yourself" beats chasing the next TEDx talk or book deal
• The biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in high performers, and what to do about them

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and introducing burnout prevention specialist Dianne Andree
• (01:23) How she landed in school counseling, and later, burnout prevention
• (08:39) What burnout actually felt like: sleep that never rests you
• (11:28) Small daily practices that helped her cope: music, journaling, drive-time to decompress
• (13:33) Learning to say no, so you can say yes to what matters
• (14:40) Deciding who is an energy drain and who is an energy filler
• (18:03) America's "hurry culture," and what she saw representing the U.S. alongside a dozen other countries
• (21:02) Why human connection, not more doing, is the real fix for burnout
• (22:21) The "30-second reset" and getting grounded before things spiral
• (23:23) The shoebox-of-sand trick from her school counseling days
• (26:46) Comparison, "good enough," and social media's highlight reel
• (29:11) Harnessing the "power of pause" to sit in gratitude instead of the path ahead
• (32:30) Where to find Dianne, and her free "simple morning routine"

About Dianne Andree

Dianne Andree is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist with more than 25 years of experience in mental health, having stood on the brink of burnout herself. She brings powerful insight, authenticity, and practical strategies that help individuals and organizations reclaim energy, focus, and purpose.

Learn more, including her free "simple morning routine" guide, at dianneandree.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "Stop shoulding on yourself. Should, shoulda, coulda, woulda, stop shoulding on yourself." —Dianne Andree "There's a lot of things in our life we can't control, but I can decide where I put my energy. That is something I have complete control over." —Dianne Andree "The windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror for a reason." —Dianne Andree Resources mentioned

• DianneAndree.com: Dianne's site, home to her free "simple morning routine" guide and "30-second reset" videos
• Dianne Andree on LinkedIn
• Emory University's Compassion Center, referenced by Dianne as the source of her cognitively based compassion training certification
• How to Fill Your Bucket, the "cute little book" Dianne mentions on the "you can't pour from an empty bucket" idea

Related episodes

• How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: More on catching the early warning signs Dianne describes before you hit rock bottom.
• Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: A companion conversation on why hustle culture burns out high performers, and how to redefine success on your own terms.
• Why Your Midlife 'Crisis' Might Actually Be Burnout: Another look at burnout as a full-body wake-up call rather than a personal failing.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Jackie Miller is wandering her own weed-filled backyard in her pajamas and slippers, late afternoon in the middle of summer, hasn't showered, hasn't eaten, and can't quite remember how she got there, worn down by exactly the hidden tactics narcissists use to control you. That's the moment Jackie, a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist, names as her wake-up call, a year and a half into rebuilding after 16 and a half years married to a man who chipped away at her a little at a time: what she calls "death by a thousand paper cuts." If you've ever wondered why the people around you can't seem to see it happening, this episode names every one of them.

Jackie survived that 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage, then a grueling two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce, and now helps women "escape toxic entanglements, reclaim their energy, and win without playing the narcissist's game." We get into the "frog in boiling water" beginning (whirlwind love bombing, married within 18 months), the financial control that left her name off every account after 16 years of marriage, and how the abuse didn't stop at separation, it just moved into the courtroom.

You'll also hear my "meat hook" visual for the moment a narcissist tries to bait you back into a fight, and the simple written record that helped Jackie hold onto the truth when the self-doubt crept back in.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znEPkqRqbww

In this episode

• Why the "frog in boiling water" beginning makes it so hard to see narcissistic abuse while you're inside it
• How financial control can leave you with zero access to money after 16-plus years of marriage
• Why abuse often escalates after separation, and how narcissists weaponize the court system to keep control
• Dana's "meat hook" visual for refusing to take the bait when someone tries to trigger you
• The "false narratives" a narcissist installs in you, and how to spot the remote control they're still pushing
• Why keeping a written record of what actually happened can keep you sane when the doubt creeps back in

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and introducing high-conflict divorce coach Jackie Miller
• (01:40) The "frog in boiling water": love bombing, whirlwind courtship, and the devaluing stage
• (03:25) Financial abuse: 16.5 years married with her name on nothing
• (05:45) Filing for divorce, and the post-separation abuse that followed
• (07:38) Rock bottom: wandering the backyard in pajamas, unable to function
• (12:29) The covert mask: why friends and family don't see it
• (15:19) Smear campaigns, and how narcissists plant seeds early
• (21:37) The out-of-body epiphany: watching the manipulation from outside herself
• (22:37) Dana's "meat hook" visual for not engaging with triggers
• (24:13) The "false narratives" a narcissist installs, and the remote control they still push
• (28:47) Why writing down what happened protects you from self-doubt later
• (32:41) Where to find Jackie, her podcast, and her free guide

About Jackie Miller

Jackie Miller is a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist who survived a 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage and a two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce. She now brings both lived experience and expert strategy to women navigating the same fight, through her coaching practice and her podcast, Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist.

Learn more at jackiemillercoaching.com (her site also hosts her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore), or connect with her on LinkedIn. She's also on Instagram and TikTok as "Out of Crazy Town."

Favorite quotes "There is no amount of money in the world that justifies enduring abuse." —Jackie Miller "Congratulations, you've survived 100% of your worst days." —Jackie Miller "You are in a relationship with a master manipulator. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how educated you are." —Jackie Miller Resources mentioned

• JackieMillerCoaching.com: Jackie's site, coaching info, blog, and her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore
• Jackie Miller on LinkedIn
• Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, Jackie's podcast, also findable via her site
• "Out of Crazy Town" on Instagram and TikTok, Jackie's handles on both platforms

Related episodes

• Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: A deeper look at recovering identity and trust after a relationship like the one Jackie describes.
• Surviving Gaslighters and Manipulators: More on spotting the covert tactics Jackie names here before they escalate.
• Surviving Toxic Relationships: Interview with Shannon Petrovich: Another survivor's strategy for disengaging from a controlling partner.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz