Picture an 18-year-old walking into the office of the disability advisor at a college she'd already decided to skip, after a neuropsych test predicted she probably wouldn't succeed there, and asking: "What classes can you take with half a brain?" That's a true story, and it's how this episode on finding purpose in your biggest struggles gets going. It belongs to my guest Holly Kostrzewski, who sustained a traumatic brain injury at 18 in a car crash and had to relearn to walk, talk, and read from scratch, living back home with her parents until she was 29.

Holly is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has since inspired over a million people across the U.S., Canada, and New Zealand, and her story doesn't stop at one flame. Fourteen years after her injury, her dad became a paraplegic and she became his caretaker. Then, after 22 years as a public servant, she lost her federal job and had to figure out who she was without the title. Out of all three came her keynote "The Junk Drawer": the idea that everybody's got a drawer of stuff they're too ashamed to show anyone, and the good stuff is hiding right there next to the junk. We get into why shame keeps that drawer shut, my yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to your "tender bits," and why "at least it's not cancer" might be the worst thing you can say to someone in pain.

If you've ever felt like less of a person because of a job, a diagnosis, or a body that doesn't work the way it used to, this one's for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r42BxvMjnsk

In this episode

• Why finding purpose in your biggest struggles starts with naming the flame that burned you down (Holly's "three burns" framework)
• The stubborn question that got Holly back into college after a neuropsych test said she probably wouldn't make it
• Why shame keeps your "junk drawer" shut, and what happens when you finally open it
• Dana's yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to hear your "tender bits"
• Why "at least" comments shut down grief, and what to do instead
• How to tell if someone is a safe person for your hardest stuff before you hand it to them

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and introducing keynote speaker Holly Kostrzewski
• (01:51) The car crash at 18 and the coup-contrecoup brain injury
• (03:00) Relearning to walk, talk, and read, and failing therapy along the way
• (04:56) "What classes can you take with half a brain?"
• (09:31) Burn number two: her dad's fall and becoming a paraplegic
• (13:46) Burn number three: losing her federal job after 22 years
• (14:31) Building "The Junk Drawer" keynote
• (20:03) Why we hide our junk drawer: shame and "am I enough"
• (22:07) Dana's yard boundary metaphor and vetting people for your "tender bits"
• (26:19) The "at least" comments that shut down grief
• (31:14) Where to find Holly, and a plug for Mic Drop Club

About Holly Kostrzewski

Holly Kostrzewski is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has inspired over a million people across the United States, Canada, and New Zealand. A survivor of a traumatic brain injury at 18 and now caretaker to her paraplegic father, she built her signature keynote, "The Junk Drawer," around the idea that our hidden hard stuff is where real connection (and humor) actually live.

Learn more at hollyspeaks.live, or follow her on Instagram.

Favorite quotes "What classes can you take with half a brain?" —Holly Kostrzewski "Shame, I think, is one of the heaviest things to carry." —Holly Kostrzewski "You have to just remember you're more than any job and you're more than anything that happens to you." —Holly Kostrzewski Resources mentioned

• HollySpeaks.live: Holly's speaking site, home to her "Junk Drawer" keynote
• Holly Kostrzewski on Instagram
• Mic Drop Club, the women's public speaking group where Holly and Dana are both hosts
• Brené Brown's "empathy vs. sympathy" video, referenced by Dana

Related episodes

• How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame: More on the shame Holly describes carrying about her brain injury, and how to loosen its grip.
• Victory Over Quadruple Amputation: Interview with Wendy Wallace: Another rising-from-the-ashes story about rebuilding identity after catastrophic physical loss.
• Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: A deeper dive into the yard metaphor Dana uses here to explain who earns the right to your "tender bits."

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on childhood suicidal ideation. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time.

There's an old horror-movie line: the call is coming from inside the house. That's basically the image trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons uses for what she calls the shame voice: not a wounded inner child that needs a hug, but an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's exact strategies. Emma didn't see it clearly until she broke her leg in a motorbike accident and spent six months bed-bound or in a wheelchair, and her body started objecting to her mom's boundary violations before her brain caught up.

Emma is the founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before realizing that path "felt like a slow death," and later discovered she'd grown up the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic mother. We get into what that childhood actually did to her nervous system, why she thinks even well-meaning therapists get "healthy shame" wrong, and the acronym she teaches clients for interrupting a shame spiral in real time.

If you've ever caught yourself agreeing with an insult nobody actually said out loud, this conversation names exactly what's happening, and gives you a way out.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EQIDmD81PM

In this episode

• Why the shame voice isn't your inner child, it's an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's own tactics
• How growing up as the family scapegoat rewires your nervous system, and why "normal" doesn't mean "healthy"
• The physical wake-up call (a broken leg) that finally taught Emma her mom wasn't respecting her boundaries
• Emma's BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral in real time: Break the trance, Refuse to engage, Expose the lie, Anchor your truth, Kick it out
• Why women are taught to shrink, and how that shame directly costs us in the workplace and in our paychecks
• How reclaiming your "shameless" starts with recognizing the voice was never trying to protect you

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons
• (01:14) Leaving human rights law: "wading through sludge" and a quarter-life crisis
• (02:12) Discovering she was the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic family system
• (04:39) The shame voice as an internalized narcissist, not an inner critic
• (08:28) The motorbike accident and broken leg that finally exposed her mom's boundary violations
• (11:31) "The call is coming from inside the house": when the external narcissist becomes internal
• (13:15) Why "healthy shame" is a lie, and how shame-based culture shows up everywhere
• (21:08) The BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral
• (26:29) Why women struggle to feel safe being visible or paid what they're worth
• (33:04) Where to find Emma, and her free guide to breaking up with your inner narcissist

About Emma Lyons

Emma Lyons is a trauma-informed healer and founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the internalized shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before leaving that career path to build her healing practice.

Follow her work on her Substack, Trauma Matrix, or connect on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "The real freedom comes from liberating ourselves from this inner narcissist that we've internalized, and then we become unshamable. We've got to reclaim our shameless." —Emma Lyons "Shame is not a normal emotion. It's not like rage or anxiety, you find something else underneath it. Under shame, there's more shame. It's never ending." —Emma Lyons "It's not your friend. It's not a critic. It's not a wounded child. It's a parasite." —Emma Lyons Resources mentioned

• Trauma Matrix: Emma's Substack
• Emma's free guide: 5 Signs It's Time to Break Up With Your Inner Narcissist
• Emma Lyons on LinkedIn
• Dr. Ramani's "DEEP" framework (don't defend, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize), referenced by Emma when discussing how to respond to a narcissist
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, mentioned by Dana

Related episodes

• The Hidden Tactics Narcissists Use to Control You: a direct companion piece to the narcissistic-family dynamics Emma describes here.
• Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: another guest's journey through the same territory.
• How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma: more on rebuilding trust in yourself after a dysfunctional family system.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on suicide loss. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time.

Chris Gillen was born into what he calls "a family of professional victims." His dad could never own a decision: everything was somebody else's fault. That same pattern passed down to Chris's younger brother, who died by suicide at 34 after reaching a point where, in Chris's words, "the world was a villain" and there was no way out. That's the origin story behind what Chris now calls the Villain Trap: the ego in leadership that quietly sabotages companies, careers, and homes long before anyone notices it's happening.

Chris is a leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. In our conversation he breaks down why the Villain Trap isn't the leader who's yelling and throwing things, it's quiet: a leader gets feedback they don't like, and instead of sitting with it, they start building a case in their head for why the person giving it is "out to get them." We get into why ego makes that so hard to catch in yourself, and why he thinks humility has become a "dead skill set."

We also cover the generational collision happening in corporate America right now (Gen X holds 70 percent of global leadership roles, and younger workers are pushing back on the "butt in the seat, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m." model Gen X leaders are now enforcing), and why chasing KPIs over people quietly burns a culture down.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf9z8uJdKa4

In this episode

• Why ego, not incompetence, is usually what stops leaders from accepting accountability
• The "blame bubble": how a quiet leadership pattern turns a colleague into a villain in your head, without anyone ever raising their voice
• Why Chris says humility is a "dead skill set," and how chasing a polished image on social media works against real connection
• How ego in leadership shows up differently across generations, with Gen X now holding 70% of global leadership roles
• Why KPI-obsessed leadership burns people out, and what "coach, guide, develop, nurture" looks like instead
• The one accountability question Chris says has to come before any other: "what could I have done differently?"

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet leadership advisor Chris Gillen
• (01:24) Growing up in "a family of professional victims"
• (03:15) His brother's death at 34, and the moment the Villain Trap idea was born
• (06:42) Why ego stops us from accepting responsibility
• (09:42) The "blame bubble": how a leader quietly turns a colleague into the villain
• (14:25) Vulnerability, authenticity, and why "look at me" leadership backfires
• (20:45) Gen X holds 70% of global leadership: what that means for the generational shift underway
• (25:31) What happens when companies chase KPIs over people
• (29:44) Why Chris wrote The Villain Trap, and who needs to read it
• (34:21) The accountability question that has to come first

About Chris Gillen

Chris Gillen is a sought-after leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. He's worked with organizations ranging from lean startups to Fortune 100s, and is the author of The Villain Trap.

Learn more at TheVillainTrap.com, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "Accountability begins with, in any situation: what could I have done differently, before you can say what could you have done differently." —Chris Gillen "Vulnerability isn't weakness, it's strength. It's real strength." —Chris Gillen "The bigger the ego, the less humility that a person can have." —Chris Gillen Resources mentioned

• The Villain Trap, Chris's book, available in hardcover, Kindle, and Audible: TheVillainTrap.com
• Chris Gillen on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• How to Build a Workplace Culture That Lasts: another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside.
• Stop Winging It: A Leader's Guide to Resilience: more on what it takes to lead well under pressure.
• The Path to Trauma-Informed Leadership: pairs naturally with Chris's take on leading with humility and self-awareness.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In this episode, Dana is joined by Clay Moffat, an ex-Navy weapons tech turned behavioral coach and author of The Trust Trap. Clay offers a radical reframe on trust, arguing it isn't a character trait but a dynamic process of alignment that requires constant evaluation. He reveals why we are the "authors of our own pain" and how we unknowingly fall into the "trust trap" by creating a frozen mental image of others and ignoring real-time data. Clay breaks down the psychology of betrayal, arguing that the most significant betrayals are often the ones we commit against ourselves by ignoring our intuition.

Clay's Website The Trust Trap Book

Picture about a hundred picketers at a Toronto garbage strike, a private investigator filming the scene in case of trouble, and one woman walking straight into the middle of it wearing a homemade "Worm Away Your Garbage" T-shirt. That's Cathy Nesbitt, and it's just one chapter in twenty-three years of building a worm-composting business nobody asked for. By the end of our conversation, she'll also have taught me the actual science behind laughter yoga (yes, it's a real thing, and no, it doesn't involve any actual yoga).

Cathy is the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters, Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, a two-time TEDx speaker, and a health and wellness advocate with a psych degree who's endlessly curious about why people react to her ideas the way they do. We talk about the "ew, worms" comment she heard for the ten thousandth time in 2012, right before discovering laughter yoga changed how she thought about stress for good, and why she believes failure will always feel better than regret.

If you've ever sat on an idea because you were scared of what people would say, or you're just looking for a legitimate, science-backed way to defuse road rage, this one's for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGJIpfOcbPc

In this episode

• Why Cathy believes "failure will always feel better than regret," and how that mantra carried her through 23 years of a business people said was "gross"
• The wild story of confronting a union picket line to launch her worm-composting business, and the newspaper interview that came out of it
• What laughter yoga actually is (hint: it's not yoga), and the "DOSE" of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers
• Why you physically cannot be stressed and laughing at the same moment, and how Cathy uses laughter yoga behind the wheel to defuse road rage
• The boundary she wishes she'd set sooner: saying no to unpaid "exposure" events that drained her time for nothing
• Her advice for anyone sitting on a business idea because of what people might think

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet Cathy Nesbitt, worm composting and Laughter Club founder
• (01:36) Twenty-three years of Cathy's Crawly Composters: the origin story
• (03:45) The real obstacle of a worm business (hint: it's not the worms)
• (11:21) The magic of worms: turning a ton of garbage into "black gold"
• (12:19) Quitting her job to write a six-month business plan
• (14:52) Confronting a Toronto garbage-strike picket line in her "Worm Away Your Garbage" shirt
• (18:14) Her first newspaper feature, and the same-day news that her husband was downsized
• (19:50) "Failure will always feel better than regret"
• (26:47) 2012: the "ew, worms" comment that nearly ended her mission, and discovering laughter yoga the very next day
• (28:19) What laughter yoga actually is, and the DOSE of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers
• (31:32) Using laughter yoga to defuse road rage
• (32:51) The boundary lesson: saying no to events that weren't the right fit

About Cathy Nesbitt

Cathy Nesbitt is a health and wellness advocate, the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters (started in 2002), Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, and a multi-award-winning environmental innovator and two-time TEDx speaker who's introduced worm composting and laughter yoga to more than 100,000 students through her workshops.

Connect with her on LinkedIn, or visit Cathy's Club to join her free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings at 9:30 a.m. Eastern.

Favorite quotes "Failure is always going to feel better than regret." —Cathy Nesbitt "We're literally in charge of our own pharma. We get to decide happy, happy chemicals or stress hormones." —Cathy Nesbitt "Don't let people tell you what you're going to like it or dislike. Try it for yourself. You don't know." —Cathy Nesbitt Resources mentioned

• CathysClub.com: home to Cathy's free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings 9:30 a.m. Eastern
• Cathy Nesbitt on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• Are You Avoiding Failure or Guaranteeing It?: dives deeper into the exact "failure vs. regret" tension Cathy lived out for 23 years.
• Entrepreneurial Success: Habits of a Maverick: another entrepreneur's take on pushing an unconventional idea forward.
• Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: more on stress relief and redefining what success actually costs.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a Pittsburgh brewery on a summer night: live music, a courtyard in a city that's 25 percent Black, and a crowd that isn't. One Black man walks in, looks around, sits down, and leaves before anyone says a word to him. That's the six-dollar-beer story organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly tells about a missed moment of allyship, and it's basically the whole blueprint for the workplace culture work she's built her career on.

Dr. Mattingly has spent 15-plus years helping organizations become more equitable and human-centered, and she got there by way of a Portland bar, where two visiting industrial-organizational psychologists once described their entire job as "make the lives of employees better." She's since built a two-way model of allyship (imagine matching book covers, one for allies and one for the people they're supporting, each referencing the other), and she brings the same lived-in honesty to her own story: cancer, alopecia, and a mental health recovery she's been navigating since her early twenties.

We get into why she'd rather call emotional intelligence a "power skill" than a soft one, how the DEI landscape quietly reshuffled after 2020, and the hard 5 p.m. boundary she holds as a working mom, even when the Zoom call is fun and nobody's making her leave.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRJKZbMwclQ

In this episode

• Why Dr. Mattingly calls emotional intelligence a "power skill," not a soft one, and how that reframe helped her work land with C-suite leaders
• The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept, and why real allyship only works as a two-way partnership
• A real missed-allyship moment (the six-dollar beer she didn't buy) and how to actually show up as a bystander next time
• How workplace culture language quietly shifted after 2020, and why some companies rebranded DEI work instead of dropping it
• Why she believes power skills like emotional intelligence can be trained, not just born with
• Her hard 5 p.m. boundary as a working mom, and why holding it, even at a fun networking event, matters more than it looks

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly
• (01:08) Two I-O psychologists walk into a bar: how she found her field
• (03:14) Why "soft skills" should really be called "power skills"
• (05:32) The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept
• (08:17) What allyship actually requires: a real difference, and no personal benefit
• (11:53) The bystander freeze, and the six-dollar beer she didn't buy
• (14:06) Cancer, alopecia, and living with mental health issues since her early 20s
• (19:45) Deciding how much of her own story to put in the book versus the keynote
• (22:11) From training and development into allyship: the internship that changed her path
• (25:58) How DEI language shifted after 2020, and why some companies just renamed the work
• (28:39) Her boundaries lesson: the hard 5 p.m. stop, and caretaking for a parent

About Dr. Victoria Mattingly

Dr. Victoria Mattingly is an organizational psychologist with more than 15 years of experience helping organizations build more equitable, human-centered workplace cultures. She blends research-backed insights with her own lived experience, including her journey through cancer, alopecia, and mental health recovery, and has served over one hundred companies through her consulting work, Mattingly Solutions.

Learn more at Mattingly Solutions, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "If I can make life at work just a little bit better for a lot of people, I consider that a big win." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "Don't call yourself an ally. Let someone else call you their ally: that's how you're doing it right." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "I need to set that precedent, not just for everyone else, which is still an important part of boundaries, but for myself. I need to stay true to that." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly Resources mentioned

• Mattingly Solutions: Dr. Mattingly's consulting practice
• Dr. Victoria Mattingly on LinkedIn
• Inclusalytics, Dr. Mattingly's first book on taking a data-driven approach to DEI
• Her allyship book, built around mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" covers, discussed throughout the episode

Related episodes

• How Ego Is Sabotaging Your Leadership: another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside.
• Why Neurodiversity Is Important in the Workplace: pairs naturally with Dr. Mattingly's allyship and inclusion work.
• Emotional Healing Laboratory: The Workplace: more on what makes a workplace genuinely human-centered.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture it: married young in college, ten years in, life looking the way it's supposed to, and then the rug gets ripped out from under you. That's exactly what happened to my guest Sarah Brown: an unexpected divorce, sudden single motherhood, and a crisis of faith after divorce she never saw coming. She landed on the bathroom floor in a puddle of tears, shaking her fist at God and demanding answers.

Sarah is a Christian author and speaker (her book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is coming soon) who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt. We get into how her faith went from transactional ("if I do this, God will do that") to genuinely relational, what those first panicked months of single motherhood actually looked like, and the wildfire "fire followers" story that changed how she saw the whole thing: certain wildflower seeds sit underground for years and only bloom after the fire has scorched the earth.

If you're sitting in your own ashes right now, wondering if any of it will ever make sense, Sarah's got real, hard-won answers instead of platitudes: how to vet who gets your "tender bits," why "at least it's not cancer" is never the right thing to say to someone, and how healing after divorce can leave you more yourself than you were before.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdsRDs_-gVs

In this episode

• How Sarah's faith after divorce shifted from transactional ("if I do this, God will bless me") to genuinely relational
• Why she believes the answer to "why does God allow this?" isn't a tidy one, and what she'd say instead
• What the first panicked months of single motherhood really looked like, and the advice from her brother-in-law that changed everything: "pause and look at the day before you, this moment, the next hour, the next 24 hours"
• How to "vet" people before sharing your "tender bits," and why not everyone has earned the right to hear your story
• The wildfire "fire followers" metaphor: how wildflower seeds that wait years underground only bloom after everything burns
• Why healing doesn't mean rushing your grief, and how journaling helped Sarah see God's faithfulness in retrospect

Timestamps

• (00:02) Welcome and meet Sarah Brown, Christian author and speaker
• (01:18) Sarah's ashes: an unexpected divorce and sudden single motherhood
• (02:20) Shaking her fist at God, and sitting in a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor
• (05:52) How her faith shifted from transactional to relational
• (08:32) Dana's grocery-cart moment, and the question of why God allows suffering
• (10:26) Starting therapy as a new single mom, and the shame and perfectionism underneath the grief
• (12:52) Her brother-in-law's advice: stop planning 17 steps ahead and look at the next 24 hours
• (16:55) "There is no teacher as effective as pain"
• (19:01) Why transactional faith fails, in relationships too
• (21:23) Reading "Boundaries" and learning to set them, in marriage and everywhere else
• (23:15) Vetting who's safe enough to hear your "tender bits"
• (26:29) "At least it's not cancer": a lesson in unsafe responses
• (29:10) The wildfire "fire followers": a metaphor for what blooms after devastation
• (31:41) Where to find Sarah and her upcoming book, Even the Ashes Bloom

About Sarah Brown

Sarah Brown is a Christian author and speaker who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt by anchoring them in faith. She's a former elementary teacher and children's minister, a recipient of the Women of Influence Award from the Nashville Business Journal, the author of over 20 director resource kits for Christian music publishers, and a contributing author to Hope for the Holidays. Her own book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is releasing soon.

Learn more at sarahsbrown.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "I believe that we all have ashes that we carry with us." —Sarah Brown "My faith began to shift from transactional to relational." —Sarah Brown "There may be burn scars, just like on the earth there are burn scars after a wildfire, but that place could be where something new and even better is about to emerge." —Sarah Brown Resources mentioned

• SarahsBrown.com: Sarah's website
• Sarah Brown on LinkedIn
• Even the Ashes Bloom, Sarah's upcoming book
• Hope for the Holidays, the anthology Sarah contributed to
• Boundaries, the book Sarah was given while going through her divorce

Related episodes

• "You're Not Alone" Interview Series: Surviving Divorce: another first-person account of rebuilding a life after divorce, and a natural pairing with Sarah's story.
• Divorce Interview Afterthoughts: Dana's own reflections on the divorce conversation above, good context before or after Sarah's episode.
• What Is This "God" Thing, Anyway?: digs into the same faith questions Sarah wrestles with here, from a different angle.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on severe bullying and self-harm. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time.

My guest Brianna Brown Keen was 14 when bullying so severe it landed her in the hospital, bullying so bad that her best friend's own father, a judge, told his daughter to stop being friends with her so she wouldn't get bullied too. In that hospital room, something shifted: a calm white light, she calls it, moving through her. She didn't know what her purpose was yet. She just knew, suddenly, that she had one.

Brianna is an award-winning actress with more than two decades in Hollywood, known for roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and she just finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years supporting socially conscious storytellers through grants and mentorship. But we spend most of this conversation on the parts that came before any of that: a career-threatening back injury doctors doubted was real, a mother who modeled victimhood at every turn, and Brianna's hard-won belief that if something in your life isn't working, it simply means there's something you don't know yet.

You'll walk away with her theory of "start stopping" limiting beliefs before you can build anything new, why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the actual key to living your purpose, not a slogan on a mug.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX_eA3D3SQo

In this episode

• How severe bullying that led to hospitalization as a teen became the turning point that gave Brianna a sense of purpose
• Why a career-threatening back injury, and a lawsuit that doubted her pain was real, taught her that despair is allowed in the journey
• The reframe Brianna uses on every setback: "there's something I don't know yet"
• How a lonely first year in Hollywood turned into The New Hollywood, the nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years
• Why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and what she's seen happen to women who never learned to set them
• Why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the real key to achieving your purpose

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning actress Brianna Brown Keen
• (03:53) From the Minnesota suburbs to Hollywood: no money, no connections, cold calls from the yellow pages
• (04:24) Severe bullying, hospitalization, and the moment that changed everything
• (09:42) The "calm white light" moment in the psych ward that gave her a sense of purpose
• (13:23) Limiting beliefs inherited from her mother's "doctorate in victimhood"
• (16:20) The C-team-to-varsity story: how being believed in changes what you're capable of
• (18:58) Moving to LA at 19, her grandmother's guilt campaign, and early breaks like "Freaks and Geeks"
• (20:05) The career-threatening back injury and the lawsuit that doubted her pain
• (25:01) "There's something I don't know yet": the reframe behind Manifesting Your Mission
• (27:08) Boundaries as self-love, and what she sees in the women her nonprofit serves
• (37:34) Where to find Brianna, The New Hollywood, and Manifesting Your Mission

About Brianna Brown Keen

Brianna Brown Keen is a Minnesota native and an award-winning actress who has worked for over two decades in Hollywood, in projects ranging from top-grossing feature films to Emmy-winning television shows to indie projects she has produced herself. She's often recognized for her roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and recently finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit established in 2006 dedicated to supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship.

Learn more about her coaching and guidebook at Brianna's website, Manifesting Your Mission, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "I have a theory that if something isn't working in my life, it simply means that there's something I don't know yet." —Brianna Brown Keen "Really healthy boundaries equals self-love. If you love yourself, you're going to set up boundaries." —Brianna Brown Keen "It's okay in the journey to have despair... we have to feel all the feelings to get through it." —Brianna Brown Keen Resources mentioned

• Manifesting Your Mission: Brianna's guidebook, coaching program, and podcast of the same name
• The New Hollywood: Brianna's 501(c)3 nonprofit, established in 2006, supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship
• Brianna Brown Keen on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• How to Find Purpose in Your Biggest Struggles: pairs directly with Brianna's reframe of her bullying and injury as the source of her life's work
• Finding Purpose After Relational Trauma: another guest's journey from a painful family dynamic to a clear sense of mission
• How You Can Find Hope After Hitting Rock Bottom: echoes Brianna's psych-ward turning point and the hope that followed it

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Stand in the doorway of a networking event with a thousand strangers inside, and tell me your palms don't sweat. Mine do. So do my guest Amy Siegfried's, and she's spent more than 20 years teaching people how to network with confidence anyway. Amy calls herself a recovering "awkward kid" who tried to buy the right shoes to fit in and it never worked, until she stopped performing and started being honest about what she didn't know: no friends in a new country, a scared dad back home, zero clue where the grocery store was. Turns out vulnerability, not polish, is what actually makes people want to talk to you.

Amy has built her career around exactly that: corporate networking on a national stage, living and working abroad, starting two companies, and becoming, by her own account and mine, a genuine master of small talk. We talk about why "just start" beats waiting until you feel ready, why networking works better as a relationship than a transaction, and the one question ("what do you do?") she tells everyone to retire for good.

You'll walk away with Amy's go-to icebreaker for any room, the game she plays with herself at giant networking events so walking in doesn't feel like walking the plank, and a boundaries lesson about her own calendar that changed how much of herself she gives away.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-4WXNRNcrg

In this episode

• Why "just start" (a LinkedIn comment, a DM, a simple question) beats waiting until you feel confident enough to network
• The reframe that turns networking from a transactional ask into a two-way relationship
• Amy's go-to icebreaker to replace "what do you do," and why it opens better conversations
• How to walk into a room of strangers without wanting to bolt, including the game Amy plays with herself at 1,000-person events
• Why comparing yourself to "the popular ones" in the room is the wrong move, and what actually draws people in
• The boundary Amy put on her own calendar early in her career, and why "someone else's boundaries are not your boundaries"

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet networking expert Amy Siegfried
• (01:54) The awkward kid who became a "master of small talk"
• (02:56) Moving to Singapore, starting over, and how vulnerability built her first friendships
• (05:09) An MBA at Notre Dame during COVID, and the classmates who said she made the biggest impact on them
• (07:05) Finding the courage to be yourself when vulnerability freaks you out
• (07:08) Why "just start" beats waiting to feel ready
• (12:24) Networking versus comparison: focusing on the other person instead of your own insecurities
• (17:04) The two-way street: why networking isn't a transaction
• (19:44) The "popular kid" theory: why comfort with yourself, not achievement, draws people in
• (25:07) What to do when you're standing in the doorway of a room of a thousand strangers
• (27:41) The one question to ask instead of "what do you do"
• (31:54) The boundaries Amy has learned: "me time," and why someone else's boundaries aren't yours

About Amy Siegfried

Amy Siegfried has spent more than 20 years effectively engaging with millions of people to build confidence, foster connections, and facilitate meaningful collaborations, from corporate networking on a national stage, to living and working abroad, to starting two successful companies. She has also worked as an adjunct professor, teaching students how to build genuine connections instead of hiding behind a text message.

Learn more at Amy's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "The answer is no, unless you ask." —Amy Siegfried "It's not a network, it's not a business card exchange. It's a relationship building opportunity." —Amy Siegfried "Everyone is good at something. Everyone has something to offer." —Amy Siegfried Resources mentioned

• NetworkOfChampions.com: Amy's list of 45 conversation starters, categorized for icebreakers and follow-ups, built to replace "what do you do?"
• AmyBSiegfried.com: Amy's website
• Amy Siegfried on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• Curiosity: The Bridge to Connection: pairs with Amy's advice to ask better questions instead of leading with "what do you do"
• The Art of True Connection in a Lonely World: expands on the vulnerability-builds-connection theme Amy lives out through her own story
• Why Successful Entrepreneurs Set Boundaries: a natural follow-up to Amy's "me time" boundary and the line between generosity and burnout

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest today spends his days representing actors, and he kept noticing the same maddening pattern: talented people telling him how badly they wanted the job, then blowing off the audition that would have gotten it to them. Self-sabotage isn't a character flaw, and Dr. Albert Bramante built an entire PhD dissertation, and eventually his coaching work, around figuring out what actually is. Spoiler: it's fear wearing a very convincing disguise.

Dr. Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades in the entertainment industry, holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University, and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His research found that a specific personality combination, high neuroticism paired with low conscientiousness, is a recipe for self-sabotage, and he's spent his career since helping performers (and the rest of us) recognize the fear underneath the procrastination, the perfectionism, and the "this project isn't worth my time" excuses we make right before we quit.

We get into the science behind the two-minute power pose, what hypnotherapy actually is when it's not a stage act, and Dr. Bramante's own hard lesson about people-pleasing: the year he took on double the standard teaching load hoping it would buy him respect, and got cut first anyway when the budget shrank.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNkO1mKNt9k

In this episode

• The self-sabotage pattern Dr. Bramante kept seeing in his talent agency clients, and the personality research that explains it
• Why fear of success is a real, protective (if misguided) mechanism, and how to recognize when it's quietly driving your choices
• The two-minute "power pose" habit, backed by research, that can change your nervous system before a big moment
• What hypnotherapy actually is (not the stage-quacking-like-a-chicken kind), and how it can speed up inner-child and confidence work
• The "happy file" habit for boosting self-esteem and pulling yourself out of a spiral of self-doubt
• The wake-up call that taught Dr. Bramante overcommitting at work doesn't buy you respect, it gets you cut first

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet talent agent and psychologist Dr. Albert Bramante
• (01:11) From drama club to a psychology PhD: how one career became three
• (03:34) Fear of success and self-defeating behavior: the dissertation born from his own clients
• (05:34) The Big Five personality research behind self-sabotage
• (07:01) Fear as a protective mechanism, and why actors hear so many no's
• (10:28) Rewiring identity: from "starving artist" to "professional working actor"
• (12:24) The two-minute power pose, and the research behind it
• (13:44) What hypnosis actually is (hint: not the chicken-quacking stage act)
• (18:16) Inner-child work, free will, and why hypnosis can't make you do anything
• (23:58) The "happy file": a self-esteem tool from his book
• (26:02) Toxic high self-esteem vs. healthy self-esteem
• (29:02) The boundaries lesson that cost him his job, and what it taught him about respect

About Dr. Albert Bramante

Dr. Albert Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades of experience in the entertainment industry. He holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His dissertation research on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists grew directly out of patterns he noticed in his own agency clients.

Learn more at Dr. Bramante's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "If you combine high neuroticism and low conscientiousness, it's going to be a recipe for self-sabotage." —Dr. Albert Bramante "There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. And if somebody does not want to accept those boundaries, then you have to evaluate: is this person really worth my time?" —Dr. Albert Bramante "I didn't get the intended outcome that I wanted, which is respect." —Dr. Albert Bramante, on overloading himself with committee work Resources mentioned

• Dr. Bramante's book on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists, based on his doctoral dissertation
• The "happy file" method, from his book, for documenting wins and positive feedback to counter self-doubt
• Amy Cuddy's power-pose research, referenced in the discussion of two-minute confidence-building poses
• BramanteArtists.com: Dr. Bramante's talent agency and coaching website
• Dr. Bramante on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• Are You Avoiding Failure or Guaranteeing It?: pairs directly with Dr. Bramante's research on the fear behind self-sabotaging behavior
• The Fear Trap: another deep dive into how fear disguises itself as procrastination, perfectionism, and other "problems"
• How Unresolved Trauma Is Ruling Your Life: expands on the childhood-rooted fears Dr. Bramante addresses through inner-child hypnotherapy work

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz