50-hour work weeks, saying yes to every extra project, and a constant fear of being fired: that's what burnout looked like for Lolita Guarin, right up until the day the stress finally won and she collapsed on her own kitchen floor. She'd moved to the US from Lithuania to chase her American dream, and she did all the things you're supposed to do: journaling, meditation, yoga, better time management. Her health improved. But something still felt unfinished, and she didn't find out what until she read a book about adult children of alcoholics and thought, wait, that's me.

Lolita is a stress management coach, and in this conversation she explains what "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need a parent who drinks to grow up in a dysfunctional home; any environment where your emotional needs went unmet can leave the same imprint. We talk about self-abandonment (what it actually looks like when you skip the gym because a guru told you to "push through," or when you're still calling your mom for approval in your thirties), and why Lolita insists boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else.

If burnout has ever left you wondering why doing "all the right things" still wasn't enough, this one's for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EEucQizP60

In this episode

• Why yoga, meditation, and time management, Lolita's "leisure things," didn't fix what was actually wrong
• What "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) really means, and why you don't need an alcoholic parent to have grown up in a dysfunctional home
• The difference between abandoning other people and abandoning yourself, and how people-pleasing is a form of self-abandonment
• Why boundaries with yourself have to come before boundaries with anyone else
• How to forgive a parent who's still behaving badly, without letting them back into your life unconditionally
• The "write down your achievements" exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel like they're enough

Timestamps

• (00:04) Welcome and guest intro: meet Lolita Guarin, stress management coach
• (01:58) Chasing the American dream, and burnout that ended in collapsing on her kitchen floor
• (01:58) Why "leisure things" like yoga and journaling didn't fix what was actually wrong
• (06:19) Discovering she grew up an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), and what that term actually means
• (09:32) "Stop abandoning yourself": what self-abandonment looks like day to day
• (17:37) Growing up with a narcissistic parent, and calling her mom for approval well into her 30s
• (20:06) The achievements-list exercise Lolita uses with clients who don't feel "enough"
• (23:31) How forgiving her parents, without excusing them, changed her relationship with them
• (25:50) What to do when a parent's dysfunction never stopped, even into your adult years
• (34:26) Where to find Lolita Guarin, her website, and her books on stress management

About Lolita Guarin

Lolita Guarin is a stress management coach who moved to the US from Lithuania about two decades ago. She's the author of books on stress management, including one for adult children of alcoholics and one focused specifically on workplace stress, "Crush Stress While You Work."

Learn more at BeAmazingYou.com, or find her books: Stress Management for ACOA and Crush Stress While You Work.

Favorite quotes "Stop abandoning yourself." —Lolita Guarin "Setting boundaries with yourself is knowing who you truly are. And then you can set boundaries with other people." —Lolita Guarin "You can take the horse to the river, but you cannot make them drink it." —Lolita Guarin Resources mentioned

• BeAmazingYou.com: Lolita's website, with free worksheets
• Lolita's book on stress management for ACOA
• Lolita's book on workplace stress, "Crush Stress While You Work"
• The achievements-list exercise, adapted from a Jack Canfield book, that Lolita uses with clients

Related episodes

• How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: more on catching burnout before it becomes a kitchen-floor moment
• How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the survival-brain wiring behind the people-pleasing Lolita describes
• People-Pleasing and the Sticky Rope: a deeper look at the self-abandonment habit at the center of this episode

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Deanna Moffitt's father tucks her arm through his and asks, "You ready for this?" and she says yes out loud, though she's already living the kind of story she'd spend the next decade learning to rewrite. In her head, she's thinking something else entirely: "Divorce won't be that hard to get." That's Deanna, five years before she'd actually get that divorce, and it's exactly the kind of story she now helps other people rewrite for a living. As an adoptee raised in a chaotic home with an abusive sibling, Deanna grew up with two core stories running the show: "I am alone" and "I am a burden." Those stories made her fiercely self-sufficient, landed her in leadership roles she used as a shield, and, at 36, sent her out of a senior project manager job and into 11 years of improv comedy in Chicago.

Deanna is a coach, speaker, and author of "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time," and in this conversation she walks me through how the stories we tell about ourselves get written in childhood, whether or not there's a dramatic trauma behind them, and why we keep acting them out long after we've rationally outgrown them. We talk about setting boundaries with yourself before you can ever set them with anyone else, and why she says real change moves more like a loaded 787 Dreamliner than a helicopter: it takes runway.

If you've ever caught yourself repeating a pattern you swore you'd broken, or wondered why knowing better hasn't changed your behavior, this episode is for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVLpDJrlzFA

In this episode

• What a "core wound story" is (like "I am alone" or "I am a burden") and how it forms in childhood, with or without a single dramatic event behind it
• Why setting boundaries with yourself has to come before you can set them with anyone else
• The 787 Dreamliner analogy for why real change takes longer than a helicopter takeoff
• How 11 years of improv comedy taught Deanna that all of us are already improvising, all the time
• Why she stayed in a relationship for 14 years without getting married, and what finally changed
• How to tell the difference between one person's story about you and the truth

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Deanna Moffitt, author of "The Rewrite"
• (02:40) The two core wound stories Deanna grew up with: "I am alone" and "I am a burden"
• (04:07) How Deanna's first weeks as an adopted infant shaped a story she didn't know she was carrying
• (08:34) Why leadership can be a way of staying detached, and how to "collect new data" to prove a new story
• (12:22) Discovering "The Power of Positive Thinking" at 12, and surviving abuse from her brother
• (17:34) The wedding day: saying "yes" out loud, and "divorce won't be that hard" in her head
• (19:51) Fourteen years in a relationship without getting married, and what finally changed
• (22:55) Finding improv comedy in her 30s, and why every conversation you have is already improvised
• (28:42) The 787 Dreamliner analogy: why rewriting your story takes longer than flipping a switch
• (36:24) Where to find Deanna Moffitt and book a free coaching call

About Deanna Moffitt

Deanna Moffitt is a coach, speaker, and author of "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time." She left a senior project manager role in corporate America at age 36 to perform improv comedy in Chicago for 11 years, then moved to Los Angeles to dive into coaching and leadership development.

Learn more, read her book, or book a free 30-minute conversation at DeannaMoffitt.com.

Favorite quotes "We are 787 Dreamliners with a full belly of luggage and a full passenger list. We're gonna take three miles to get off the ground." —Deanna Moffitt "None of us have scripts in this life." —Deanna Moffitt "The first time we practice it is like, oh my God, are you still gonna like me?" —Deanna Moffitt, on speaking your truth for the first time Resources mentioned

• "The Rewrite: Change Your Life One Story at a Time": Deanna's book on identifying and rewriting your core wound stories
• "The Power of Positive Thinking": the book a 12-year-old Deanna read that first showed her she could be aware of her own thoughts
• DeannaMoffitt.com: Deanna's website, with a free 30-minute coaching call

Related episodes

• Journey from Trauma to Value: Interview with Danielle Bernock: another guest on rewriting the narrative trauma leaves behind
• "Sigh, See, Start": The ShouldStorm Antidote: more tools for catching and rewriting the negative stories running in your head
• Getting Pulled Into the Past: Our Shame Response and the Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: the deeper mechanics of how childhood stories keep running the show

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

"Different is not a deficit": that's Katherine McCord's blunt answer to anyone who thinks neurodiversity means something's broken. Katherine has six invisible disabilities, including bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and misophonia, plus multiple physical diagnoses including a seizure disorder, and she calls neurodiversity her superpower, not in spite of any of it. She tells her own story with zero shame and a whole lot of humor, like the time an insurance company called to apologize because they thought they'd gotten her age wrong. They hadn't: she was 26, but her file, full of diagnosis after diagnosis, read like she'd lived twice that long.

Katherine is the founder of Titan Management, a national people operations consulting firm she started in 2014, and in 2021 she designed the first fully accessible, anti-bias applicant tracking system plugin, one that hides the resume and shows company diversity instead. We talk about what it means when your parents "steer into" your differences instead of fighting them, how to tell the difference between someone who's just uninformed and someone who's being deliberately unkind, and the line between having a diagnosis and using it to manipulate the people around you.

Katherine also walks me through what misophonia actually feels like (spoiler: it's not just "not liking a sound"), and the workplace study that proves accommodating how people naturally work isn't just kind, it's good for the bottom line.

In this episode

• What neurodiversity actually means, and why Katherine calls her six invisible disabilities her superpower
• How to respond when someone doesn't accept your differences, and how to tell ignorance from malice
• The difference between having a diagnosis and using it to manipulate people, and how to set a boundary around either one
• What misophonia actually feels like, from the sound of kissing to a booth full of strangers at a restaurant
• Why the Hewlett-Packard study found that letting people work in ways natural to them increases productivity by over 30%
• How to tell someone they have ADHD for the first time as an adult, without making it sound like a diagnosis of doom

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Katherine McCord, founder of Titan Management
• (02:18) Six invisible disabilities, and what "neurodiversity" actually means
• (03:58) The Aflac phone call: "Ms. McCord, we got your age wrong"
• (04:26) How Katherine's parents responded when she was diagnosed with OCD at three or four years old
• (06:41) Meeting "the jerk": Katherine's first encounters with people who weren't accepting
• (08:41) Choosing education over conflict, and the boundary of "not today"
• (12:28) The difference between having a diagnosis and using it to manipulate people
• (21:23) What misophonia actually feels like
• (29:09) Katherine's three missions: integrity, innovation, and inclusion
• (33:12) Where to find Katherine, and her new nonprofit, the Neuroverse

About Katherine McCord

Katherine McCord is the founder of Titan Management, a national people operations consulting firm founded in 2014, and in 2021 she designed the first fully accessible, anti-bias applicant tracking system plugin. She lives with six invisible disabilities, including bipolar disorder, OCD, and misophonia, plus multiple physical diagnoses including a seizure disorder, and recently founded the Neuroverse, a nonprofit focused on neurodiversity, which is hosting its first "Neuro Wonderland" event in New York next year.

Learn more at her speaker website, join the Neuroverse, or find her consulting firm at TitanManagementUSA.com.

Favorite quotes "Different is not a deficit." —Katherine McCord "You are not whatever this diagnosis is. This diagnosis is no different than a finger on your hand." —Katherine McCord "Inclusion is the ultimate expression of freedom." —Katherine McCord Resources mentioned

• KMcCordSpeaking.com: Katherine's speaker website and bio
• JoinTheNeuroverse.org: Katherine's nonprofit around neurodiversity, with free resources and upcoming events
• TitanManagementUSA.com: Katherine's people operations consulting firm
• Loop earbuds, the noise-filtering earbuds Katherine uses to manage misophonia
• The Hewlett-Packard workplace study Katherine cites on accommodating natural working styles

Related episodes

• Why Neurodiversity is Important in the Workplace: a deeper dive into the exact topic Katherine champions here
• Queer Rights, Mental Disability, and Suicidal Ideation: Zane Landin's Journey of Advocacy: another guest turning a disability experience into public advocacy
• Emotional Healing Laboratory: The Workplace: more on building workplaces that actually work for how people are wired

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

What does it actually take to become a "good man"? Nico Lagan didn't get there through comfort. He got there by hitting bottom. My guest today grew up without a present father figure, idolized the wrong men, and spent his late teens and early twenties as an addict and a drug dealer, sitting on his apartment floor mid-eviction when his mom called and asked him one question: "Are you happy?" That question is what turned his life around, and it's why he's now known as a men's coach who fearlessly champions what a good man looks like. Nico moved back into his mother's house that same day, into NA and AA meetings, and eventually into the career he has now.

Nico is an entrepreneur, author, and host of "The Nico Lagan Show," with more than 100,000 followers and 5 to 10 million monthly views across his content, plus over 300 appearances as a guest and host, including Sean Kelly's Digital Hour. We talk about what actually changes a person's life (his answer: pain, not comfort), why he cut ties with nearly everyone around him to get sober, and the five virtues he now teaches men: courage, being a protector, being a provider, temperance, and faith.

Nico's content gets called controversial, and in this conversation he explains why he doesn't see it that way, and makes his case for the differences he believes men and women bring to a relationship. Whether or not you agree with everything he says, his own story, from an eviction notice to accountability, is worth hearing.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDvmuipMDa4

In this episode

• How growing up without a present father led Nico to idolize the wrong men, and how that fueled six or seven years of addiction and dealing drugs
• The one question from his mom, "are you happy?", that started a complete 180-degree life change
• Why Nico says "pain and suffering are the best of teachers," and why comfort can be the most dangerous trap of all
• Nico's five virtues of a good man: courage, protector, provider, temperance, and faith, and why he says courage comes first
• Why he cut ties with nearly everyone in his life to get sober, including people close to him, and how he decides who stays now
• His take on free speech, controversy, and why he'd rather know what people actually think

Timestamps

• (00:05) Welcome and guest intro: meet Nico Lagan, men's coach and host of "The Nico Lagan Show"
• (02:45) Growing up without his father, and idolizing "the wrong men"
• (09:55) Getting evicted while still an addict and a drug dealer in his early 20s
• (10:29) The phone call from his mom: "Are you happy?"
• (12:33) The deathbed-regret study, and why pain is the best teacher
• (16:52) Why Nico says his content isn't controversial, common sense is just rare
• (20:48) Cutting ties with the people bringing him down, including family
• (28:13) Nico's five virtues of a good man: courage, protector, provider, temperance, faith
• (31:37) Nico's case for the differences he sees between men and women
• (38:45) Where to find Nico Lagan and his books

About Nico Lagan

Nico Lagan is an entrepreneur, author, men's coach, and host of "The Nico Lagan Show," featured in Times Square, with more than 100,000 followers and content drawing 5 to 10 million monthly views. He's appeared on TV, radio, and podcasts, including Sean Kelly's Digital Hour, with over 300 total appearances as a guest and host.

Learn more, find his books, and follow him on social media at nicolagan.com.

Favorite quotes "Men are not born, they're made through trials and tribulations, through having to go through tough things in order to forge character." —Nico Lagan "Pain and suffering are the best of teachers." —Nico Lagan "I refuse categorically to live a life that others want me to live." —Nico Lagan Resources mentioned

• NicoLagan.com: Nico's website, with his books and all his social media
• "The Nico Lagan Show": Nico's podcast, on all major platforms

Related episodes

• From Child Abuse, Drug Trafficking, and Decades in Prison to Being On Fire For Christ: Interview with Steven Snook (Part One): another guest's road from addiction and dealing to a completely rebuilt life
• Why Traditional Masculinity Is Failing Modern Relationships: a different take on the masculinity conversation Nico raises here
• From Suicide Plans to 20 Years as Tony Robbins' Firewalk Captain: Dave Albin's Amazing Journey: more on the accountability and mentorship that pulls someone out of crisis

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on suicide crisis and grief. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time.

Portia Booker survived a suicidal crisis in her twenties, then two years later survived a grief she had no framework for when her mother died of lung cancer. Both of them cracked her wide open, and both of them are why she now talks about grief for a living. My guest today, known to her audience as Portia the Producer, credits an old college professor's out-of-the-blue phone call with saving her life: "Portia, you are not well," the professor said. "You need to get yourself to the hospital right now." That call is the reason she's here now to tell her story.

Portia landed her dream TV producer job two weeks after college graduation, a thousand miles from home, and within a month was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in a newsroom culture that had no room for it. She talks with me about the public humiliation that pushed her to the edge, what she calls "bystander syndrome" (the coworkers who stood there and said nothing), and what it was like being one of the only Black producers in that newsroom. Then, two years after she rebuilt her life, her mother's death sent her into a grief she had no framework for, until she picked up her mom's ashes from the funeral home and an unexpected thought changed everything: what if her mom's transition was actually for her transformation?

We talk about learned helplessness, the courage it takes to actually stop and help a stranger in crisis instead of just driving past, and why Portia insists grief is not linear; that comparing your pain to someone else's only makes it worse. If you or someone you love is walking through a crisis or a loss right now, this conversation is for you.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcTBkf0ODbM

In this episode

• Why the newsroom "pile of ash" moment mattered more than any one bad day, and what finally made Portia walk away from her dream job
• The phone call from a college professor that reached Portia in her most dangerous moment and got her to the hospital
• What "bystander syndrome" feels like from the inside, and why Portia now stops for strangers in crisis instead of driving past
• Being one of the only Black producers in her newsroom, and what she wishes people from other backgrounds understood
• Why "grief is not linear," and how comparing your pain to someone else's only makes it worse
• How picking up her mother's ashes led to the audiobook that became her second act, "Finding Grace Within Grief"

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Portia Booker, "Portia the Producer"
• (02:02) Landing her dream TV producer job two weeks after graduation, and the bipolar disorder diagnosis that followed
• (07:25) The newsroom incident that became her "pile of ash" moment
• (08:23) The phone call from her college professor that got her to the hospital
• (10:38) The bird-in-a-cage story, and the psychology of learned helplessness
• (13:18) Being one of the only Black producers in the newsroom, and the cost of bystander syndrome
• (23:03) Why Portia now stops to help strangers in crisis, from a man breaking down in the street to a young woman asking for help at a gas station
• (24:42) Losing her great-grandmother, then her mother's lung cancer diagnosis
• (26:43) How "Groove with Portia" started as a cover story for her own mental health journey
• (29:43) Picking up her mother's ashes, and the epiphany that became her audiobook
• (34:36) Portia's parting words: grief is not linear

About Portia Booker

Portia Booker, known as Portia the Producer, is a TV-producer-turned-podcast-host and the author of the audiobook "Finding Grace Within Grief: Her Transition, My Transformation." She currently produces 12 different shows, including her own, "Groove with Portia," and is training to become a death doula.

Listen to her show, Groove with Portia, or find her on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Favorite quotes "There's more to Portia's life than this." —Portia Booker "Don't compare your grief pain to anybody else... you gotta feel it, and just learn to embrace your grief instead of evade it." —Portia Booker "What if your mom's transition is for your transformation?" —Portia Booker Resources mentioned

• "Finding Grace Within Grief: Her Transition, My Transformation": Portia's debut audiobook, written from letters she wrote to God after her mother's death
• Groove with Portia: Portia's podcast, also on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, and Google
• Portia on Instagram
• Portia on LinkedIn

Related episodes

• "You're Not Alone" Interview Series: When a Loved One Commits Suicide: for anyone sitting with the same crisis Portia describes, from the other side of loss
• From Suicide Plans to 20 Years as Tony Robbins' Firewalk Captain: Dave Albin's Amazing Journey: another guest's crisis moment and the decades of transformation that followed
• Thriving After Loss: Kim Sorrelle's Story of the Transformational Power of Love: more on finding your footing after losing someone you love

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

If somebody looked up the definition of a people-pleaser, they would have found a picture of Jennifer Schwytzer. That's how she describes her old self, seventeen years deep into a career as a licensed social worker, giving and giving until, in her words, "you have nothing left for you." The wake-up call was simple and brutal: if you're not first, you're last.

Jennifer is a certified life coach and founder of Kindfulness Coaching, where she helps professional women trade chronic stress and overwhelm for boundaries that actually stick. We talk about why women in particular get conditioned to hold back, the friends she lost the moment she started saying no, and how she figured out who in her life was a cheerleader for her growth versus who was just watching from the sidelines.

We also get into what burnout actually feels like day to day (hint: it's quieter and sneakier than you'd think), how to tell it apart from depression, and why "priorities," not "goals," is the word she starts every client with.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrXastXQbLk

In this episode

• Why "if you're not first, you're last" became the wake-up call that ended seventeen years of people-pleasing
• The friends she lost the moment she started setting boundaries, and how she figured out who was actually in her corner
• What burnout actually feels like day to day, and how it's different from depression
• Why she starts every client with "priorities," not "goals"
• The idea behind Kindfulness Coaching: being kind to yourself first, mistakes and all
• The line she draws with family: open to feedback, not to criticism of her choices

Timestamps

• (00:04) Welcome and meet Jennifer Schwytzer, founder of Kindfulness Coaching
• (01:26) "If somebody looked up the definition of a people-pleaser..."
• (02:42) Seventeen years to unlearn people-pleasing, and why it doesn't happen overnight
• (04:05) Why women, specifically, struggle to take up space
• (09:05) Learning to advocate for yourself, one small realization at a time
• (11:07) The pushback that comes with new boundaries, and the friends she lost
• (14:03) How to tell who your real friends are once you start setting limits
• (17:50) Her husband's simple "cool, let's do it" when she told him she wanted to be a life coach
• (21:49) Launching Kindfulness Coaching: being kind to yourself first
• (25:14) Starting with "priorities," not "goals," in her coaching practice
• (27:33) What burnout actually feels like, day to day
• (29:33) Burnout vs. depression: how to tell the difference
• (31:24) Where to find Jennifer Schwytzer and Kindfulness Coaching

About Jennifer Schwytzer

Jennifer Schwytzer is a certified life coach and founder of Kindfulness Coaching, helping professional women ditch chronic stress, overwhelm, and burnout to restore calm, productive order to their lives. She brings 17 years of experience as a licensed master social worker, has been featured on podcasts including Rochester Business Connections and Getting Real with Bossy, has won the award for excellence in outstanding social work from the University of Rochester Medical Center, and continues to provide mental health education through partnerships with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Cornell University.

Learn more at KindfulnessCoaching.com.

Favorite quotes "If you're not first, you're last." —Jennifer Schwytzer "It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not have the best ideas or the best decisions all the time." —Jennifer Schwytzer "There was no passion left. There was no joy in the work that I was doing." —Jennifer Schwytzer, on what burnout felt like Resources mentioned

• KindfulnessCoaching.com

Related episodes

• People-Pleasing and the Sticky Rope: a direct companion piece on why people-pleasing takes hold and how to work your way loose.
• Change Is Possible! Dai Manuel and the Five F's: another guest's take on "no is a complete sentence," from the other side of the boundaries conversation.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Three dollars in his pocket. A driving range. A severe thunderstorm rolling in, real lightning and all. Everyone else ran for cover. Steve Gamlin stayed, hitting bucket after bucket of golf balls, his own plus two abandoned ones, naming every shot after something in his life he was furious about. At one point he held up his club to the sky and said, "I dare you." Nothing happened. He finished the bucket. When he got to his car he could barely lift his arms; when he put his key in the door, the rain stopped and the sun came out. That's rock bottom, motivational-speaker style, and it's exactly where Steve Gamlin was at 35: radio career gone (fired twice when the stations he worked for got sold), marriage over, $62,000 in debt, living at his dad's house.

Now in his 18th year as what he calls "the motivational firewood guy," Steve is a stand-up comedian, author, and keynote speaker who built his second act out of that storm. We talk about the phone call the next morning that changed everything, his brand-new life coach's blunt question, "have you ever thought about being a motivational speaker?", the spelling-bee humiliation at 13 that quietly cost him two decades of confidence, and the goofy mirror exercise, writing down one thing you like about yourself every morning, that he still uses with his own clients today.

Stick around for how a vision board, and one very specific sentence written down in June of 2007, led him to the woman he'd had a crush on in high school math class... and to sixteen years of marriage since.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htfVPAQ7oC4

In this episode

• Losing his radio career twice, his marriage, and $62,000 to debt by 35, and what rock bottom actually felt like
• The severe thunderstorm, a bucket of golf balls, and the moment that became his signature stage story
• Why a life coach's question, "have you ever thought about being a motivational speaker?", changed everything the very next morning
• The spelling-bee humiliation at 13 that quietly cost him two decades of confidence
• The one-week mirror exercise that rebuilds self-talk from scratch (and why "my socks match" counts on day one)
• How a vision board and one written sentence led him to his wife of 16 years

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet Steve Gamlin, "the motivational firewood guy"
• (02:12) Where "Some Days Your Phoenix Rides a Pogo Stick" comes from
• (04:14) Losing radio jobs twice, $62,000 in debt, and moving back into his dad's house at 35
• (09:43) Hitting golf balls, and two strangers' abandoned buckets, in a severe thunderstorm
• (11:08) "I dare you": holding up his club to the storm
• (11:59) The phone call the next morning that changed his life
• (14:21) "We're not going to be brothers anymore": the friend who ended his self-deprecating act
• (14:51) The mirror exercise: writing down one thing you like about yourself, every morning
• (17:35) The spelling-bee humiliation at 13 that cost him his confidence for 20 years
• (19:12) Volunteering for the morning radio show he'd never actually been on air for
• (24:01) Discovering The Secret, vision boards, and John Assaraf's three-minute segment
• (24:01) Writing "I am ready to fall in love," and the email from Tina 10 days later
• (30:43) The eight-spoke life wheel, and why physical health impacts everything else
• (34:11) Where to find Steve Gamlin

About Steve Gamlin

Steve Gamlin is a motivational speaker, stand-up comedian, and author now in his 18th year as what he calls "the motivational firewood guy," sharing a back-to-basics blend of positivity and humor with corporate and conference audiences around the country. After losing his radio career, his first marriage, and his financial stability at 35, he rebuilt his life around vision boards and what he calls his eight-spoke "life wheel."

Learn more at SteveGamlin.com.

Favorite quotes "I dare you." —Steve Gamlin, holding up his golf club to a thunderstorm "You're better than that. And if you don't build yourself up, or at least acknowledge yourself and respect yourself in the mirror, how the hell can you expect anyone else to? You can't." —Steve Gamlin "I am ready to fall in love." —Steve Gamlin, written down in the first week of June 2007 Resources mentioned

• SteveGamlin.com
• The Secret: the film that introduced Steve to vision boards, watched nine Sunday nights in a row
• John Assaraf's vision board segment in The Secret, the specific part that stuck with him

Related episodes

• Change Is Possible! Dai Manuel and the Five F's: another guest from this same season rebuilding a life around resilience and a values-based framework.
• From Suicide Plans to 20 Years as Tony Robbins' Firewalk Captain (Dave Albin): another rock-bottom-to-motivational-speaker journey, for anyone who needed two of these back to back.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on childhood sexual abuse. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time.

Four years old, standing next to his closet, Marshall Zweig manages one sentence to his father: "Daddy, I feel sad." His father's response: "Don't be sad, son. There are people in wheelchairs." That single exchange, after sexual trauma at the hands of his paternal grandmother, taught a four-year-old to smile on the outside no matter what was happening on the inside, a survival skill that cost him decades and, by his own count, hundreds of thousands of dollars to undo.

Marshall is a trauma-informed relationship coach and the creator of Truth-Empowered Relationships, a method built from his own years-long climb out of gaslighting, first with his mother, then in his marriage, into relationships he now describes as thriving. We talk about the difference between forgiveness and simply allowing someone to keep hurting you, the exact sentence, "I don't like the way you're talking to me," that could have changed the trajectory of an entire family, and why he says raising your voice is really just a mistranslated way of saying "I'm angry."

If gaslighting or a hard-to-untangle family relationship is on your mind right now, this one gives you language for it, and permission to stop tolerating what you don't have to.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUqniUySIy0

In this episode

• Why "daddy, I feel sad" became the sentence that shaped decades of silence, and how Marshall finally broke it
• The real difference between forgiveness and just allowing someone to keep hurting you
• The exact sentence that can interrupt a gaslighting cycle: "I don't like the way you're talking to me"
• How to tell the difference between someone who won't change and someone who's actually receptive
• Why raising your voice is really a mistranslated way of saying "I'm angry," and what to say instead
• How Marshall rebuilt trust with his mother after years of gaslighting, one honest conversation at a time

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and meet Marshall Zweig, survivor turned trauma-informed coach
• (02:41) Truth-Empowered Relationships: why Marshall chose coaching over traditional therapy
• (06:10) Sexual trauma at four, and the father who said "don't be sad, there are people in wheelchairs"
• (08:47) Growing up with two selves: the smiling one outside, the one underneath
• (10:44) The office stairwell moment in his early 30s that started his healing
• (13:32) The energy chiropractor session and "I reluctantly accept my incarnation"
• (15:07) How unprocessed trauma quietly reshapes your closest relationships
• (18:02) Forgiveness versus allowance: where the boundary line actually is
• (18:42) The heroic example: four hard conversations that repaired his relationship with his mother
• (25:23) Tolerance, and why being "good at tolerating" can work against you
• (29:06) Recognizing a lion by its roar, not its breath (Marshall, quoting Peter Levine)
• (35:03) Truth-Empowered Relationships as a "book of love," and where to find Marshall

About Marshall Zweig

Marshall Zweig is a trauma-informed relationship coach and the creator of Truth-Empowered Relationships, a method for helping couples and families become "each other's healers." His resensitization therapy technique is a recognized modality with the International Association of Therapists. A survivor of sexual, emotional, and psychological trauma, he spent decades and, by his own account, hundreds of thousands of dollars rebuilding his ability to feel and trust again, work that transformed his relationships with both his wife and his mother.

Learn more at MarshallZweig.com.

Favorite quotes "I don't like the way you're talking to me." —Marshall Zweig, on the sentence he teaches clients to interrupt disrespect "You recognize a lion by its roar, you're safe. You recognize a lion by its breath, you're lunch." —Marshall Zweig, quoting Peter Levine "You say 'I'm angry' when you're angry, and you watch the transformation in your life." —Marshall Zweig Resources mentioned

• MarshallZweig.com: home to Marshall's Truth-Empowered Relationships method
• Truth-Empowered Relationships: Marshall's forthcoming book, described in the episode as a "book of love"
• Resensitization therapy: Marshall's technique, a recognized modality with the International Association of Therapists

Related episodes

• Surviving Gaslighters and Manipulators: a direct companion piece on recognizing and responding to gaslighting.
• Healing From Narcissistic Abuse (Nikki LaCroce): more on rebuilding trust and boundaries after manipulation within close relationships.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A few days after her 40th birthday, Rachel Lavin found herself alone at the gym, standing in front of a mirror, and she just started crying. Not because she hated what she saw. Because for the first time in decades she was seeing a whole person: a woman who was, in her own words, "beautiful, was smart, was funny, was all the things that up until that point, I just didn't think I was." That's the moment that cracked open thirty years of body image struggles and restrictive dieting, and it's the story behind her book The Doughnut Diaries.

Rachel is a certified personal trainer, certified health coach, and body-love educator who has spent her career teaching everything from Jazzercise to Central Park boot camps to corporate chair-stretch classes. But even at a size zero, after dropping 50 pounds in front of her entire gym during what she calls "a stupid 90-day challenge," she was miserable. We talk about why the number on the scale was never the actual problem, the hard boundary she set around who gets an opinion on her body ("It's my body. It's mine. It's not theirs."), and her three pillars of fitness: nourishment, movement, and rest.

If you've spent your whole life waiting to feel confident before you'll accept your own body, this conversation flips that order, and gives you somewhere to actually start.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR7SN-081Os

In this episode

• Why the number on the scale was never the real problem, even at a size zero
• The mirror moment, days after turning 40, that ended thirty years of body-image struggle
• How to set a hard boundary around who gets an opinion on your body
• Her three pillars of fitness: nourishment, movement, and rest (and why "rest" doesn't mean the couch)
• Why confidence has to come before the "perfect body," not after

Timestamps

• (00:05) Welcome and meet Rachel Lavin, author of The Doughnut Diaries
• (01:49) From Jazzercise to Central Park boot camps: Rachel's fitness career
• (03:39) Realizing at 11 that her body was "just different"
• (05:20) The mirror exercise, and why so many of us can't stand to look
• (11:37) The mural analogy: stepping back to see your whole self
• (13:10) The 40th-birthday mirror moment that changed everything
• (16:40) Setting a hard boundary: "My body is none of your business"
• (20:08) Losing 50 pounds in front of the whole gym, and still being miserable
• (22:15) Gender and body image: do men carry it the same way?
• (30:44) Rachel's three pillars of fitness: nourishment, movement, rest
• (33:06) Where to find Rachel Lavin and The Doughnut Diaries

About Rachel Lavin

Rachel Lavin is a certified personal trainer, certified health coach, professional speaker, and body-love educator. She's the author of The Doughnut Diaries (2020), which chronicles her more than 30-year struggle with weight and restrictive dieting. Originally from Northern California, she's lived in Hawaii, Washington, Oregon, and New York City, and now lives in Greenville, South Carolina, with her partner.

Learn more at Rachel Lavin Wellness, and find The Doughnut Diaries on Amazon.

Favorite quotes "I don't have a body that just stays naturally thin if I don't move, if I don't eat well." —Rachel Lavin "It's my body. It's mine. It's not theirs." —Rachel Lavin "I'm not even going to use the word 'perfect body,' because I promise you, ladies, there is no such thing." —Rachel Lavin Resources mentioned

• The Doughnut Diaries: Rachel Lavin's book, available on Amazon
• RachelLavinWellness.com

Related episodes

• Food, Love, Hate, and Your Body (Shelley Loving): another guest's journey through a complicated relationship with food and body, pairing well with Rachel's own decades-long story.
• Transforming Body, Mind, and Spirit (Jennifer Pilates): more on movement and self-acceptance as a whole-person practice, not just a physical one.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a fifteen-year-old boy cranking the shower scalding hot right before he gets out, on purpose, so the mirror fogs over and he never has to see himself. That was Dai Manuel's daily trick for years, until the one morning he got rushed and looked anyway. He didn't recognize the kid staring back. That's the moment my guest points to as where change is possible actually started for him: not five years of weight gain undone in a flash, but an ugly, cathartic cry in front of a bathroom mirror that turned into twenty months of small, boring, unglamorous bites forward.

You might know Dai as "Coach Moose" in CrossFit circles, a nickname earned during a brutal intro workout that left him dry-heaving against a chain-link fence. He went on to become an award-winning speaker, author, and former partner and COO of a multimillion-dollar retail company. But the resume isn't why he's on Phoenix and Flame. It's because underneath it he spent fifteen years, in his own words, "managing this emotional roller coaster with alcohol," propping up a persona he calls "fun guy Dai," until his wife asked him one question that ended it: "Are you being the type of man that you would want to marry your daughters?" We get into what actually gets someone through the work of real change (hint: it's rarely dramatic), and the Five F's, Fitness, Faith, Family, Finances, with an overarching roof of Fun, that he now uses as a filter for every yes and no in his life.

If you've ever wanted permission to say no without an essay of excuses attached, Dai's got a phrase for you: "No is a complete sentence." Stick around for how a boy who avoided cameras for years built a life, and a framework, sturdy enough to weather anything.

Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J6Eu_ZLQA8

In this episode

• Why change feels like being chased by a boulder (Dai's Raiders of the Lost Ark metaphor), and how to stop running from it
• The brutal CrossFit test that gave Dai Manuel his "Coach Moose" nickname, and why leveling up almost always feels like hell in the moment
• How a fifteen-year-old's foggy shower mirror led to a twenty-month, small-bites transformation
• The question his wife asked that finally got him to give up alcohol: "Are you the type of man you'd want to marry your daughters?"
• How the Five F's, Fitness, Faith, Family, Finances, with Fun as the roof, work as filters for every decision
• Why "no is a complete sentence," and how boundaries became the foundation of his resilience

Timestamps

• (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet Dai Manuel, aka "Coach Moose"
• (03:19) Where the "Coach Moose" nickname came from (CrossFit's brutal intro test)
• (06:56) Why change is so hard, and the resilience skill we already have
• (09:52) Dana's promise to never quit, and the "pain threshold" for change
• (12:27) Pain, fear, and being more afraid of staying the same
• (14:00) Roots of the weight gain: his parents' divorce, and finding comfort in food and screens
• (16:52) The foggy shower-mirror trick, and the day he finally looked
• (18:17) "Dad, I want to get healthy": the mountain bike and the 20-month climb
• (21:27) The struggle of the juggle: ego, drinking, and the "fun guy Dai" persona
• (26:13) His wife's question that changed everything: "Are you the type of man you'd want to marry your daughters?"
• (29:27) Committing past year one, now in his 14th year alcohol-free
• (30:33) Sunday Funday, The Whole Life Fitness Manifesto, and the birth of the Five F's
• (31:27) "No is a complete sentence": boundaries as filters
• (32:51) The four-walls-and-a-roof metaphor for the Five F's
• (34:15) Where to find Dai Manuel and his book

About Dai Manuel

Dai Manuel, known in the CrossFit world as "Coach Moose," is an award-winning digital thought leader, author, distinguished Toastmaster, and keynote speaker. He's a former partner and chief operating officer of a multimillion-dollar retail company, and the author of The Whole Life Fitness Manifesto, built on the Five F's framework he developed after what he describes as "15 years of me basically managing this emotional roller coaster with alcohol." He's based in Vancouver, Canada.

Connect with Dai on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Instagram.

Favorite quotes "Change, if it was really easy, we'd all just be constantly changing." —Dai Manuel "My family was worth me giving up alcohol 15 years ago." —Dai Manuel "No is a complete sentence." —Dai Manuel Resources mentioned

• The Whole Life Fitness Manifesto: Dai Manuel's book, built around the Five F's framework discussed throughout the episode
• Dai Manuel on Facebook
• Dai Manuel on LinkedIn
• Dai Manuel on Instagram

Related episodes

• Say "No" Like It's Your Job! (Jennifer Schwytzer): another take on boundaries and saying no, from the people-pleasing side of the equation Dai talks about with his own Five F's filters.
• Vision Boards, Comedy, and Motivational Firewood (Steve Gamlin): a fellow guest from this same season on rebuilding a life from rock bottom, with a very different but equally hard-won framework.

Subscribe & connect

If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show.

Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here.

Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz