Shame is one of the most misunderstood—and most destructive—forces behind addiction.

Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame whispers, “I am bad.” It convinces us we’re broken, unworthy, beyond repair, and incapable of lasting change. Left unchecked, it keeps us trapped in cycles of secrecy, isolation, perfectionism, and relapse.

In this episode of the Porn Free Millennial Podcast, I sit down with my recovery coach and mentor, Vern Tompke, host of the Finding Traction Podcast, to unpack what shame really is, how to recognize it, where it comes from, and—most importantly—how to begin walking in freedom.

Drawing from Vern’s “Shame for Dummies” guide, we explore the stories that shape our identity, the lies we unknowingly believe, and the healing power of safe relationships, community, and faith.

In This Episode

* The critical difference between guilt and shame—and why confusing the two keeps many people stuck.

* Why perfectionism is often one of the strongest indicators that shame is operating beneath the surface.

* How childhood experiences quietly shape lifelong beliefs about ourselves.

* The “fish in water” analogy that explains why shame is often difficult to recognize.

* Common shame statements such as:

* “I’m not enough.”

* “I’m a failure.”

* “I don’t belong.”

* “I’m unlovable.”

* “I ruin everything.”

* How addiction often becomes a symptom of deeper shame rather than its source.

* Why secret “closet stories” continue to hold power until they’re brought into the light.

* The importance of trusted relationships and accountability in breaking shame’s grip.

* How prayer, Scripture, and community help replace false identities with truth.

* Practical steps anyone can begin taking today to identify and challenge shame.

Memorable Quotes

“Guilt says, ‘I did something bad.’ Shame says, ‘I am something bad.’”

“Perfectionism is one of the greatest clues that shame is hiding underneath.”

“Shame grows in darkness and isolation.”

“Safe people help us hear truth louder than shame.”

“The antidote to shame is being fully known and fully loved.”

Resources Mentioned

* Finding Traction Recovery Program

* Finding Traction Alumni Groups

* Pastors on Porn Podcast

* Men’s Recovery Retreats

* Scripture-based identity exercises

* Accountability and recovery community

Connect with Vern Tompke

Vern Tompke is a recovery coach, mentor, and host of the Finding Traction Podcast and Pastors on Porn Podcast, helping men overcome pornography addiction through faith, accountability, and lasting transformation.

Support the Podcast

If this conversation challenged your thinking, please consider:

* Following/Subscribing to stay up to date → Substack, YouTube, Apple, Spotify

* Leaving a 5-star review (if applicable, helps get the episode to more people)

* Sharing this episode with someone who loves film, philosophy, or recovery

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re tired of fighting this battle alone, you don’t have to.

For nearly a decade I’ve walked this recovery journey myself, and today I help other men build lasting momentum through practical coaching, accountability, and identity transformation.

1:1 Breaking Free Coaching

If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling recovery and build a life you don’t want to escape from, I’d love to help.

Momentum Coaching includes:

* Weekly 1:1 coaching sessions

* Personalized recovery strategy

* Accountability and habit building

* Identity-focused recovery

* Practical tools for long-term freedom

Schedule a free 1 hour discovery call

Additional Questions?

Email: [email protected]

Accountability Software I Personally Recommend

Recovery becomes much easier when you’re no longer fighting alone.

I’ve personally used Ever Accountable for years as part of my own recovery journey. It’s one of the tools I trust and recommend because it creates real transparency and accountability across your devices.

Ever Accountable helps you:

* Stay accountable online

* Monitor phones, tablets, and computers

* Receive accountability reports

* Reduce secrecy and isolation

* Build consistent recovery habits

Use my link to receive:

* 14-Day Free Trial

* 20% OFF Monthly or Annual Plans

Connect With Mac

* Porn Free Millennial Substack

* PFM YouTube

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Apple

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Spotify

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Substack

* The Personal Freedom Podcast YouTube

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Apple

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Spotify

Support the Publication

Check out my nomadic art gallery for pictures, posters and prints showcasing my life on the road! Use the Code FREEDOM for 20% off.

Art Gallery

Accountability Software PFM Discount

If you have been stuck and are tired of that horrible feeling, it’s time to test out accountability software on your devices. Software can provide that needed defense and friction to build up your confidence and discipline. I call it “rocket” fuel” for accountability!

* Personally, I use Ever Accountable. Try this link for a limited 14 day free trial and 20% off after that 14 day trial expires.

* To learn more about Ever Accountable, check out my interview with its CEO, Tyler Patterson.

Affiliate Partnership: Ritual Organics (Organic Tallow Based Suncare Cream)

Sun Tallow – Whipped Beef Tallow Face Cream with Non-Nano Zinc

Call to Action

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who needs hope.

If you’re ready to stop fighting alone, schedule a free Breaking Free Coaching consultation and begin building a life you don’t want to escape from.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Is modern entertainment becoming more sexualized—or are we simply noticing it more?

In this deep philosophical discussion, I sit down once again with Dr. Gregory Borse, professor of English, philosophy, and film at the University of Arkansas at Monticello, to revisit one of our most popular conversations and ask a question many people have been wondering:

Why does it feel like almost every TV show and movie today is pushing sexuality?

Connect with Gregory Borse on X and Substack:

Drawing from literature, film history, philosophy, psychology, and technology, we explore how pornography fits into a much larger cultural story. From Hitchcock and Shakespeare to Netflix, Christopher Nolan, AI, and social media, this conversation looks beyond headlines to examine how technology is reshaping not only entertainment—but how we experience reality itself.

Whether you’re in recovery from pornography, interested in film, or simply wondering why culture feels different today, this episode offers a thoughtful perspective that challenges assumptions from every angle.

In This Episode

* Why modern movies and television seem increasingly sexualized

* The relationship between pornography, technology, and culture

* Why Dr. Borse argues that porn is a symptom—not the root problem

* How streaming services changed the way entertainment is consumed

* The evolution of pornography from the ancient world to the digital age

* Mechanical reproduction, AI, and what they mean for art and authenticity

* Why technology has become an extension of the human nervous system

* The erosion of standards in entertainment and society

* Hitchcock, Kubrick, Christopher Nolan, and the importance of meaningful storytelling

* The difference between art that serves the story and gratuitous sexual content

* Beauty, mystery, and why some things were historically understood to remain sacred

* How recovering from pornography changes the way you experience media

* Practical thoughts for navigating entertainment without living in fear

Books & Authors Mentioned

* Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction — Walter Benjamin

* Unbinding Prometheus — Donald Cowan

* Homer

* Shakespeare

* Ancient Greek Literature

Films & Television Discussed

* Psycho

* Eyes Wide Shut

* The Odyssey (Christopher Nolan)

* True Detective

* Breaking Bad

* Sons of Anarchy

* The Hobbit

Previous Conversations with Dr. Gregory Borse

If you enjoyed this discussion, be sure to check out our earlier conversations together:

* 14. The Evolution of Pornography Through Culture & Technology

* 21. From Hobbits to Heroes: Talking Lord of the Rings and Conquering Challenges

* 28. Porn Is a Vampire (Halloween Special)

* 31. Lonely Fans (with Dr. Gregory Borse)

* 48. The Exorcist, Porn & Possession

* 49. Pay Attention to Your Dreams

* 52. Hitchcock Saw It Coming: Psycho and the Age of Porn

Connect with Dr. Gregory Borse

Dr. Gregory Borse is a professor of English, Philosophy, and Film at the University of Arkansas at Monticello. His work explores literature, philosophy, aesthetics, storytelling, and the cultural forces shaping modern society.

Connect on X

Connect on Substack

Support the Podcast

If this conversation challenged your thinking, please consider:

* Following/Subscribing to stay up to date → Substack, YouTube, Apple, Spotify

* Leaving a 5-star review (if applicable, helps get the episode to more people)

* Sharing this episode with someone who loves film, philosophy, or recovery

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re tired of fighting this battle alone, you don’t have to.

For nearly a decade I’ve walked this recovery journey myself, and today I help other men build lasting momentum through practical coaching, accountability, and identity transformation.

1:1 Breaking Free Coaching

If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling recovery and build a life you don’t want to escape from, I’d love to help.

Momentum Coaching includes:

* Weekly 1:1 coaching sessions

* Personalized recovery strategy

* Accountability and habit building

* Identity-focused recovery

* Practical tools for long-term freedom

Schedule a free 1 hour discovery call

Additional Questions?

Email: [email protected]

Accountability Software I Personally Recommend

Recovery becomes much easier when you’re no longer fighting alone.

I’ve personally used Ever Accountable for years as part of my own recovery journey. It’s one of the tools I trust and recommend because it creates real transparency and accountability across your devices.

Ever Accountable helps you:

* Stay accountable online

* Monitor phones, tablets, and computers

* Receive accountability reports

* Reduce secrecy and isolation

* Build consistent recovery habits

Use my link to receive:

* 14-Day Free Trial

* 20% OFF Monthly or Annual Plans

Connect With Mac

* Porn Free Millennial Substack

* PFM YouTube

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Apple

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Spotify

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Substack

* The Personal Freedom Podcast YouTube

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Apple

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Spotify

Support the Publication

Check out my nomadic art gallery for pictures, posters and prints showcasing my life on the road! Use the Code FREEDOM for 20% off.

Art Gallery

Accountability Software PFM Discount

If you have been stuck and are tired of that horrible feeling, it’s time to test out accountability software on your devices. Software can provide that needed defense and friction to build up your confidence and discipline. I call it “rocket” fuel” for accountability!

* Personally, I use Ever Accountable. Try this link for a limited 14 day free trial and 20% off after that 14 day trial expires.

* To learn more about Ever Accountable, check out my interview with its CEO, Tyler Patterson.

Affiliate Partnership: Ritual Organics (Organic Tallow Based Suncare Cream)

Sun Tallow – Whipped Beef Tallow Face Cream with Non-Nano Zinc

Call to Action

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who needs hope.

If you’re ready to stop fighting alone, schedule a free Breaking Free Coaching consultation and begin building a life you don’t want to escape from.

Subscribe

Keep fighting the good fight.

Break Free. Stay Free. Be Free.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Why Most Porn Relapses Don’t Happen in One Moment | The Stopwatch Recovery Framework

Most men believe relapse happens in a single moment of weakness.

It doesn’t.

Relapse usually begins long before pornography ever enters the picture. It starts with a trigger... then a compromise... then a series of small decisions that quietly build momentum until it feels almost impossible to stop.

In this episode of Porn Free Millennial, I break down the Stopwatch Recovery Framework—a practical recovery tool developed by my recovery coach, Vern Tompke, that completely changed how I think about relapse.

To download the stopwatch framework, see below or click this article: The Anatomy of a Relapse.

To follow along on video, check out my YouTube Channel.

Instead of fighting at the last possible moment, you’ll learn how to recognize the cycle early, interrupt it, and build lasting freedom one decision at a time.

Whether you’re struggling with pornography, another unwanted habit, or simply trying to build greater self-control, this episode will help you understand why recovery is won long before the relapse ever happens.

In This Episode

* Why relapse is usually a gradual drift—not a spontaneous explosion

* The biggest myth that keeps people stuck in recovery

* Understanding the stages of the relapse cycle

* Why emotional triggers matter more than sexual triggers

* How stress, loneliness, boredom, rejection, and shame start the stopwatch

* The difference between preoccupation and pursuit

* Why white-knuckling almost always fails

* Practical strategies to interrupt the cycle before momentum builds

* Building accountability, boundaries, and recovery systems

* The role of identity in long-term freedom

* James Clear’s Atomic Habits and “votes for your identity”

* Daily recovery habits that build lasting peace

The Stopwatch Recovery Cycle

* Peace

* Trigger

* Preempt

* Preoccupation

* Pursuit

* Porn Event

* Pain

* Protect

* Promise

* Return to Peace through action—not empty promises

Key Takeaways

* Recovery isn’t won at the point of temptation.

* Small compromises create powerful momentum.

* Every decision casts a vote for the person you’re becoming.

* Freedom isn’t built through one heroic moment—it is built through hundreds of honest decisions.

* Systems beat willpower.

* Identity drives behavior.

Resources Mentioned

* Finding Traction Podcast — Vern Tompke

* Pastors on Porn Podcast — Vern Tompke

* Atomic Habits — James Clear

* Porn Free Radio — Matt Dobschuetz

* Pure Desire Ministries

* Ever Accountable Accountability Software - 14 day free trial & 20% off yearly/monthly plans

* Victory App by James Menendez

* I Am Sober

* Freedom App

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re tired of fighting this battle alone, you don’t have to.

For nearly a decade I’ve walked this recovery journey myself, and today I help other men build lasting momentum through practical coaching, accountability, and identity transformation.

1:1 Breaking Free Coaching

If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling recovery and build a life you don’t want to escape from, I’d love to help.

Momentum Coaching includes:

* Weekly 1:1 coaching sessions

* Personalized recovery strategy

* Accountability and habit building

* Identity-focused recovery

* Practical tools for long-term freedom

Schedule a free 1 hour discovery call

Additional Questions?

Email: [email protected]

Accountability Software I Personally Recommend

Recovery becomes much easier when you’re no longer fighting alone.

I’ve personally used Ever Accountable for years as part of my own recovery journey. It’s one of the tools I trust and recommend because it creates real transparency and accountability across your devices.

Ever Accountable helps you:

* Stay accountable online

* Monitor phones, tablets, and computers

* Receive accountability reports

* Reduce secrecy and isolation

* Build consistent recovery habits

Use my link to receive:

* 14-Day Free Trial

* 20% OFF Monthly or Annual Plans

Connect With Mac

* Porn Free Millennial Substack

* PFM YouTube

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Apple

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Spotify

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Substack

* The Personal Freedom Podcast YouTube

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Apple

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Spotify

Support the Publication

Check out my nomadic art gallery for pictures, posters and prints showcasing my life on the road! Use the Code FREEDOM for 20% off.

Art Gallery

Accountability Software PFM Discount

If you have been stuck and are tired of that horrible feeling, it’s time to test out accountability software on your devices. Software can provide that needed defense and friction to build up your confidence and discipline. I call it “rocket” fuel” for accountability!

* Personally, I use Ever Accountable. Try this link for a limited 14 day free trial and 20% off after that 14 day trial expires.

* To learn more about Ever Accountable, check out my interview with its CEO, Tyler Patterson.

Affiliate Partnership: Ritual Organics (Organic Tallow Based Suncare Cream)

Sun Tallow – Whipped Beef Tallow Face Cream with Non-Nano Zinc

Call to Action

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who needs hope.

If you’re ready to stop fighting alone, schedule a free Breaking Free Coaching consultation and begin building a life you don’t want to escape from.

Subscribe

📬 Substack:

Keep fighting the good fight.

Break Free. Stay Free. Be Free.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Episode Description

Porn addiction rarely survives because of a lack of willpower.

It survives because of the lies we quietly believe.

In this live episode, Mac walks through seven of the most common lies that keep people trapped in unwanted pornography use. Drawing from nearly two decades of personal struggle, over eight years of recovery, coaching conversations, and biblical principles, he explains how these false beliefs shape identity—and how replacing them with truth is the beginning of lasting freedom.

Whether you’re struggling personally or helping someone else, this conversation offers practical encouragement and a path toward hope.

What You’ll Learn

* Why porn addiction thrives on hidden beliefs

* Why “I’m not hurting anyone” is one of the biggest lies

* The difference between guilt and shame

* Why relapse shouldn’t define your identity

* Why recovery is about identity transformation—not behavior modification

* How accountability changes everything

* Why emotional healing matters more than white-knuckling

* How to become the man or woman you actually want to become

Resources Mentioned

Article

7 Common Lies That Keep You Hooked on Porn:

🎙 Related Porn Free Millennial Episodes

Episode 50 — Matt Dobschuetz

Identity, recovery, and practical freedom.

Episode 51 — Relapse, Recovery & Renewal

Mac shares his own relapse and what happened afterward.

Episode 9 — Getting Back in the Ring

Learning to begin again after failure.

Episode 53 — The Brush Popper Podcast

Conversation with Jim & Eric about the cowboy way and rescuing men from the thickets.

Episode 55 — Jeanie Hosken, The Anatomy of a Real Apology

Biblical counseling, marriage, healing, and recovery.

Episode 66—Danielle Johnson | Re-Fined, Shining Light on Human Trafficking

Human trafficking and pornography’s hidden impact.

Books Mentioned

Atomic Habits — James Clear

Discipline Equals Freedom — Jocko Willink

Podcasts Mentioned

Porn Free Radio

Host: Matt Dobschuetz

Program: https://recoveredman.com/

Finding Traction

Host: Vern Tompke

Program: https://www.bandofbrothers.care/regular-joes

Organizations Mentioned

Flatirons Community Church

Fight Club Men’s Ministry: https://www.flatironschurch.com/men/

Re-Fined

Anti Human Trafficking Organization: https://re-fined.org/

Memorable Quotes

“Porn addiction thrives and survives on lies.”

“Addiction loves tomorrow because tomorrow requires nothing from you today.”

“Recovery started becoming real when I stopped thinking about freedom and started pursuing it.”

“Don’t become the judge. Become the detective.”

“Failure is an event—not your identity.”

“Enough coping. Start digging.”

“Lies imprison. Truth liberates.”

“Freedom starts with identity.”

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re tired of fighting this battle alone, you don’t have to.

For nearly a decade I’ve walked this recovery journey myself, and today I help other men build lasting momentum through practical coaching, accountability, and identity transformation.

1:1 Breaking Free Coaching

If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling recovery and build a life you don’t want to escape from, I’d love to help.

Momentum Coaching includes:

* Weekly 1:1 coaching sessions

* Personalized recovery strategy

* Accountability and habit building

* Identity-focused recovery

* Practical tools for long-term freedom

Schedule a free 1 hour discovery call

Additional Questions?

Email: [email protected]

Accountability Software I Personally Recommend

Recovery becomes much easier when you’re no longer fighting alone.

I’ve personally used Ever Accountable for years as part of my own recovery journey. It’s one of the tools I trust and recommend because it creates real transparency and accountability across your devices.

Ever Accountable helps you:

* Stay accountable online

* Monitor phones, tablets, and computers

* Receive accountability reports

* Reduce secrecy and isolation

* Build consistent recovery habits

Use my link to receive:

* 14-Day Free Trial

* 20% OFF Monthly or Annual Plans

https://everaccountable.com/affiliate-landing-page/?linkId=lp_614685&sourceId=porn-free-millennial&tenantId=everaccountable&affS1=na

Connect With Mac

* Porn Free Millennial Substack

* PFM YouTube

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Apple

* Porn Free Millennial Podcast Spotify

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Substack

* The Personal Freedom Podcast YouTube

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Apple

* The Personal Freedom Podcast Spotify

Call to Action

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who needs hope.

If you’re ready to stop fighting alone, schedule a free Breaking Free Coaching consultation and begin building a life you don’t want to escape from.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Listener Discretion

This episode contains discussions surrounding human trafficking, sexual exploitation, pornography, addiction, abuse, and child exploitation. Listener discretion is advised.

Podcast Notes

In this important educational conversation, I sit down with Danielle Johnson of Re-Fined to discuss the realities of human trafficking, online exploitation, pornography’s role in fueling demand, and the growing dangers facing children in the digital age.

Danielle shares insights from over a decade working in anti-trafficking advocacy, survivor care, addiction counseling, and prevention training throughout Colorado. Together, we unpack how trafficking actually operates, the psychological tactics of coercion and grooming, the rise of sextortion, and why digital culture has made exploitation more accessible than ever before.

This episode is not intended to shame those struggling with pornography addiction, but rather to educate listeners on the deeper systems of exploitation connected to the industry while offering hope, healing, and awareness.

Topics Discussed

* What human trafficking actually is

* Force, fraud, and coercion explained

* The connection between pornography and trafficking demand

* Online grooming and sextortion

* Child exploitation in the digital age

* The desensitization effects of pornography

* Addiction, shame, and recovery

* Survivor advocacy and long-term healing

* How social media and technology have changed trafficking

* Warning signs parents and communities should know

About Danielle Johnson

Danielle Johnson is the Director of Partnerships and Training Specialist at Re-Fined, an organization dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual exploitation and human trafficking through advocacy, education, mentorship, and recovery support.

PFM Writings About Human Trafficking

Resources & Organizations Mentioned

* Re-Fined

* Fight the New Drug

* Justice Defense Fund

* Social Media Dangers Exposed by Mom Posing as 11 Year Old - Bark Video

* OBLIVIOUS (short film about sex-trafficking)

* Boys Documentary (Documentary about sex trafficking experiences of young boys)

Support the Re-Fined

Listen/Watch/Read PFM

* Read and Subsribe on Substack

* Watch and Subscribe YouTube

* Listen and follow on Apple Podcasts

* Listen and Follow on Spotify

Affiliate Partnerships

Ever Accountable

If you’re serious about building a life of integrity, accountability matters. Use the accountability software I use — it is rocket fuel for recovery!

14-Day Free Trial & 20% Off Monthly or Yearly Plans

Use my link here & watch my most recent podcast with the CEO!

Ritual Organics

I’d been using Ritual Organics products for over a year and love how it looks and works on my skin.

Only 6 ingredients: Grass-fed tallow, organic jojoba, non-nano zinc, organic rosehip, vitamin E, and organic lavender.

Small business. Holistic-minded products I actually use in everyday life.

If you’ve been looking for cleaner alternatives and want to support a company doing things the right way, definitely check them out. New customers can also get 15% off their first purchase when signing up.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

In this deeply honest and emotional episode of the Porn Free Millennial Podcast, I sit down with Alex Perez to talk about addiction, shame, divorce, dark pits of despair, healing, the importance family/friends, falling in love again, getting remarried, and finding victory through Christ.

In this conversation, we reflect on the famous David Foster Wallace “fish and water” analogy—two young fish swimming along until an older fish asks, “How’s the water?” The younger fish eventually turns and asks, “What the hell is water?” That idea becomes a powerful metaphor throughout the episode that many people are so immersed in pornified modern culture, distraction, shame, and emotional isolation that they no longer even recognize the environment shaping them.

In Episode 65, Alex shares how a childhood exposure to porn at just 10 years old slowly developed into a 15+ year addiction that distorted his identity, relationships, and view of intimacy. What began as curiosity eventually became isolation, secrecy, emotional coping, and hopelessness.

We talk openly about:

* The hidden emotional roots behind porn addiction

* Shame vs guilt

* Marriage, betrayal, and the devastating cost of secrecy

* The lies addiction whispers

* Why isolation fuels addiction

* The power of brotherhood and accountability

* Neuroplasticity and rewiring the mind

* Recovery through Christ and radical honesty

* The importance of “doing the next right thing and telling the truth”

* Leading others to victory through Pure Desire courses at Church

One of the most powerful moments in the conversation comes when Alex recounts sitting alone with a gun to his head, fully convinced he was beyond saving — until he heard a quiet but unmistakable message from God:

“Put the gun down and call your parents.”

That moment became the turning point that eventually led him toward healing, recovery, remarriage, ministry work, and helping other men break free from porn addiction through the Pure Desire program.

This episode is raw, hopeful, funny at times, deeply human, and packed with wisdom for anyone who feels trapped in “porn prison” and wonders if freedom is possible.

Episode Highlights

* Being exposed to porn as a child and how quickly it escalated

* The “autopilot” nature of addiction and relapse cycles

* Why porn addiction is often rooted in emotional wounds, not just lust

* How secrecy and shame nearly led Alex to ending things all-together

* The moment Christ changed everything

* Why recovery requires truth, community, and accountability

* The difference between guilt and shame

* How porn distorts intimacy and relationships

* Rebuilding identity after divorce and addiction

* The role of brotherhood in long-term recovery

* Why “white knuckling” recovery usually fails

* Radical honesty and freedom from a hidden life

* How helping others became part of Alex’s healing journey

Memorable Quotes

“Porn tells you what sex is supposed to be like… but none of it is real.”

“I didn’t even feel like a human being anymore.”

“Do the next right thing and tell the truth.”

“You think you’re alone… until you finally tell the truth and people stay.”

“Porn doesn’t fill you up. It hollows you out.”

“Freedom is possible. There is light at the end of that tunnel.”

Resources Mentioned

* My Conversation with Alex’s Mom, Kit Perez | Grey Cell Systems on Her Podcast - Change the Game Podcast S1 E13: Fragmentation, Addiction, and the Cost of Living a Split Life

* Pure Desire Ministries

* Pure Desire Podcast

* Porn Free Radio Podcast (Matt Dobschuetz)

* Finding Traction Podcast (Vern Tompke)

* Jocko Podcast / Discipline Equals Freedom

Final Thoughts

This conversation is a reminder that addiction thrives in darkness, but healing begins the moment truth enters the room.

You are not too far gone.

You are not uniquely broken.

And you do not have to fight this battle alone.

If this episode encouraged you, consider sharing it with someone who may need hope today.

Listen/Watch/Read PFM

* Read and Subsribe on Substack

* Watch and Subscribe YouTube

* Listen and follow on Apple Podcasts

* Listen and Follow on Spotify

Affiliate Partnerships

Ever Accountable

If you’re serious about building a life of integrity, accountability matters. Use the accountability software I use — it is rocket fuel for recovery!

14-Day Free Trial & 20% Off Monthly or Yearly Plans

Use my link here & watch my most recent podcast with the CEO!

Ritual Organics

I’d been using Ritual Organics products for over a year and love how it looks and works on my skin.

Only 6 ingredients: Grass-fed tallow, organic jojoba, non-nano zinc, organic rosehip, vitamin E, and organic lavender.

Small business. Holistic-minded products I actually use in everyday life.

If you’ve been looking for cleaner alternatives and want to support a company doing things the right way, definitely check them out. New customers can also get 15% off their first purchase when signing up.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Episode 64 — The Girl Down the Street

Innocence Attacked, Childhood Porn Exposure, and the Wounds We Never Saw Coming

In this deeply personal solo episode, I read and reflect on my piece The Girl Down the Street — a story about first love, early porn exposure, emotional immaturity, and the hidden fallout pornography can have on relationships long before we even understand what’s happening.

Drawing from a 2024 Missouri Medicine study on pornography exposure among youth, I explore how boys are often first exposed to porn around ages 10–11 and girls around ages 12–13, and how those early experiences can quietly shape identity, expectations, intimacy, and emotional development.

This episode is not merely about addiction.It’s about innocence.The innocence of the young boy exposed too early…and the innocence of the people he would someday attempt to love while carrying a battle he did not yet understand.

I share the story of my first girlfriend — “the girl down the street” — and reflect honestly on how a porn addiction that began in childhood affected the way I viewed love, relationships, jealousy, emotional connection, and intimacy.

This is an episode about:

* the unseen emotional fallout of pornography

* the quiet heartbreak many young women carry

* the normalization of hyper-sexualization

* and the importance of guidance, accountability, and honest conversations with the next generation

In This Episode

* The average age young boys and girls are first exposed to porn

* Why the word “exposed” matters

* The “3 A’s” fueling modern porn consumption:

* Affordability

* Accessibility

* Anonymity

* How pornography shapes emotional development and relationship expectations

* The hidden effect porn had on my first relationships

* Why many young men carry battles they never chose

* The connection between porn, jealousy, objectification, and emotional immaturity

* The importance of protecting innocence in the digital age

* Parenting, guidance, and having empathetic conversations with kids

* Why shame and isolation often deepen addiction

Key Quotes

“Pornography is not merely shaping private behavior. It’s shaping emotional development.”

“The innocence of the people he would someday attempt to love while carrying a battle he did not yet understand.”

“Two kids. One wounded in silence and shame. One wounded by fallout and blame.”

“That’s where the disenchantment starts — not in adulthood, but in childhood.”

Resources & Links

* Read the reflection: The Girl Down the Street

* 2024 Missouri Medicine Study: Effects of Pornography on Youth: A Review

* Ever Accountable Accountability Software 14 Free Trial and 20% off per month/year

* Ritual Organics Affiliate Link

* My episodes with Tyler Patterson, CEO of Ever Accountable

* Episode 60

* Episode 46

* Porn Free Millennial Substack

Coaching & Collaboration

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Keep fighting the good fight.

Much love.

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Porn Free Millennial Podcast – Episode 63

Victory in Christ: Identity-Based Freedom w/ James Menendez

Episode Overview

There’s a version of you on the other side of everything you’re struggling with right now—free, clear, and at peace.

The real question is how do you get there?

In this episode, Mac sits down with returning guest James Menendez author of Creation Awaits and Creation Press (Episode 34) to unpack a powerful story of redemption, healing, and what true transformation actually looks like.

James shares how he found lasting freedom from porn—not through behavior modification, but through identity in Christ—and how that journey led him to build the Victory in Christ app.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in cycles of shame, secrecy, or relapse… this conversation will challenge everything you thought recovery was about.

Episode Highlights

* Why porn addiction is a symptom—not the root problem

* The role of shame, secrecy, and hidden life in keeping you stuck

* How grace + truth creates real freedom (not just willpower)

* The breakthrough moment: confession and radical honesty

* Why behavior modification alone doesn’t work

* Understanding “strongholds” and the lies we believe

* The 3 core human needs:→ Acceptance→ Security→ Significance

* How identity in Christ replaces false identity

* Spiritual warfare explained through 2 Corinthians 10 (battle of the mind)

* The power of speaking truth out loud (Stronghold Declarations)

* Why secrecy fuels addiction—and exposure breaks it

About the Victory in Christ App

James created the Victory in Christ app to address what most recovery tools miss:

Not just behavior… but belief.

Instead of focusing on “stop watching porn,” the app helps you:

* Identify the lies driving your behavior

* Replace them with truth rooted in Scripture

* Build daily habits around identity transformation

* Use tools like:

* Sobriety tracking

* Stronghold declarations (truth statements)

* AI-assisted reflection to uncover root beliefs

* Identity-based recovery course

No more white-knuckling.

This is identity-based freedom.

Key Concept: Strongholds

A stronghold is a deeply rooted lie you believe about yourself or God.

Example:

* Lie: “I’m not enough”

* Truth: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

The process:

* Identify the lie

* Renounce it

* Replace it with truth

* Speak that truth daily

This is where transformation actually happens.

Spiritual Warfare (Simplified)

James breaks down how the real battle isn’t just behavior—it’s in the mind:

* Lies → Belief → Behavior

* Truth → Freedom → Transformation

Using scripture (like 2 Corinthians 10), he explains how to:

* Take thoughts captive

* Replace lies with truth

* Actively fight back, not passively resist

Connect with James Menendez

Victory in Christ App: https://victoryinchrist.app/

Substack (Creation Awaits):

Creation Press:

No Longer Slaves (fictional novel): https://creationpress.substack.com/s/no-longer-slaves

Email / Contact: If anyone wants to contact James directly, they can email James at [email protected] or [email protected]

Other Platforms (YouTube, X, etc.):Creation Awaits YouTube Channel: @creationawaits

Creation Awaits LinkTree:linktr.ee/creationawaits

Books / Resources Mentioned

* Freedom in Christ Ministries (Identity-based discipleship):

https://www.ficm.org/

* The Conquer Series (Recovery resource James previously used):

https://www.conquerseries.com/

* The Bible (Referenced Scriptures):

* John 8:32 – “The truth will set you free”

* Romans 6–8 (sin, law, and freedom in Christ)

* 2 Corinthians 10 (taking thoughts captive)

* Ephesians 6 (Armor of God)

* Hebrews 4:12 (Word of God as a sword)

* Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes: https://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214

Listen / Watch the Podcast

Read

Watch & Subscribe YouTube

Listen on Podcast Platforms:

Apple Podcasts

Spotify

Tools for Breaking Free:

If you’re serious about building a life of integrity, accountability matters.

Ever Accountable

14-Day Free Trial

20% Off Monthly or Yearly Plans

Use my link here & watch my most recent podcast with the CEO!

Final Thought

You don’t “white-knuckle” your way to freedom.

You need to become someone new.

And that starts with what you believe is true about:

* God

* Yourself

* Your identity

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Why Are You Still Carrying Her? | Learning When to Let Go

Episode Description

In this episode, I read a personal reflection inspired by a night at a place that no longer exists—the historic Dark Horse Saloon in Boulder, Colorado.

What started as a simple night out turned into something deeper… a lesson about the mind, desire, and what we choose to carry long after the moment has passed.

Through an old parable—The Two Monks and the Woman—this episode explores a truth that hits at the core of recovery, identity, and integrity:

You can follow every rule… and still be the one carrying the weight.

This is a reflection on letting go—not just physically, but mentally. Not just behaviorally, but internally.

If you’ve ever struggled with intrusive thoughts, temptation, or the feeling of being stuck in your own mind…this episode is for you.

🔑 What This Episode Explores

The difference between the letter of the law vs. the spirit of the law

Why avoidance alone isn’t true freedom

The danger of “carrying” thoughts long after the moment

Reframing how we see beauty, desire, and dignity

What real transformation actually looks like

📖 Read the Full Reflection

👉 Why Are You Still Carrying Her?

🎥 Watch & Subscribe

▶️ YouTube

🎧 Listen on Podcast Platforms

🍎 Apple Podcasts

🎵 Spotify

🔐 Tools for Breaking Free

If you're serious about building a life of integrity, accountability matters.

👉 Ever Accountable

14-Day Free Trial

20% Off Monthly or Yearly Plans

Use my link here

💬 Final Reflection

The older monk set her down at the river.

The younger monk carried her for miles and hours.

The question is—what are you still carrying?

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe

Sauron’s Search History: Unmasking The Eye That Consumes

In this episode, I’m joined by Will Anselm—medieval art historian, writer of Palinode, and editor and introduction author of The Moral Universe by Fulton J. Sheen (book release upcoming, link will be provided when it is published).

He’s also someone with a really sharp eye for what Tolkien was doing beneath the surface and that’s going to matter for this conversation.

Together, we explore how Tolkien’s vision of a being that became pure, disembodied appetite mirrors something unsettling in our own world—especially in the way we consume, disconnect, and drift into patterns of addiction, consumption, and spiritual slavery.

About Will

Will brings a depth to Tolkien that goes far beyond the surface:

* Medieval art historian

* Editor and introduction author of The Moral Universe by Fulton J. Sheen

* Creator of Palinode on Substack

* Host of Catholic X Spaces

* Deep student of Middle-earth, theology, and symbolism

His insight helps uncover layers in Tolkien’s work that most of us never notice—but once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

What We Explore

* Who Sauron really was and how he became what he became

* The symbolism of the Eye—always watching, never satisfied

* Morgoth, corruption, and the distortion of beauty

* Why evil in Tolkien cannot create—only consume

* The deeper meaning behind “Sauron’s search history”

* The One Ring as a metaphor for addiction and false power

* How modern life mirrors the same pattern of disembodied consumption

The Core Idea

Sauron didn’t begin as a monster.

He began as something good.

A being who loved order, structure, and things working as they should.

But that desire slowly twisted:

* Order → Control

* Control → Domination

Over time, he lost everything that made him whole:

* No body

* No relationships

* No ability to create, love, or connect

Only an eye remained.

Watching.

Searching.

Consuming.

Never satisfied.

Why This Matters

At some point, this episode stops being about Sauron.

It becomes about us.

When we stop living and start watching, something shifts:

* Presence is replaced by consumption

* Connection begins to fade

* Appetite grows

And over time…

You don’t feel like yourself anymore.

You’re just watching life with an agonizing gaze.

The Ring & Addiction

We also explore the One Ring as a powerful parallel:

* It promises control

* It creates secrecy (“invisibility”)

* It feels empowering

But in reality…

What feels like power slowly becomes bondage.

A Way Out

The story doesn’t end in darkness.

What ultimately defeats Sauron isn’t greater power—but…

* Fellowship

* Sacrifice

* Letting go of control

And the same is true for us.

Will’s Book

Will is the editor and introduction author of The Moral Universe by Fulton J. Sheen (book release upcoming, link will be provided when it is published).

Final Reflection

You don’t have to live as the Eye.

You were made to live as a person.

Question to Take With You

Where in your life are you just watching… instead of living?

Try Ever Accountable

If you want to try Ever Accountable for yourself, you can start with a 14-day free trial and 20% off using the link or QR code in this episode.

To Learn More About Ever Accountable: Episode 46 & Episode 60

46. Want to Quit Porn? There’s an App For That - Interview with Tyler Patterson, CEO of Ever Accountable

Read full story

About Porn Free Millennial

Porn Free Millennial exists to help people break free from porn addiction and build a life of integrity, connection, and purpose.

Through honest conversations, practical tools, and real stories, the mission is simple…

Break free. Stay free. Build something better.

Join Mac’s subscriber chat

Available in the Substack app and on web

Additional Resources

For more Porn Free Millennial Subscribe to:

* Apple Podcast

* Spotify Podcast

* Youtube Channel

Accountability Software PFM Discount

If you have been stuck and are tired of that horrible feeling, it’s time to test out accountability software on your devices. Software can provide that needed defense and friction to build up your confidence and discipline. I call it “rocket” fuel” for accountability!

* Personally, I use Ever Accountable. Try this link for a limited 14 day free trial and 20% off after that 14 day trial expires.

* To learn more about the origin story of Ever Accountable, check out my first interview with its CEO, Tyler Patterson.

Personal Coaching: A Path to Freedom

Personal Coaching: A Path to Freedom

If you’re tired of repeating the same cycle and ready to build something solid, I offer 1:1 coaching focused on accountability, clarity, and sustainable freedom.

Message me “Break Free” for a free 30-minute consult.

For YouTube, Apple, Spotify - Email “Break Free” and what you are seeking help with to [email protected].

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pornfreemillennial.substack.com/subscribe