Was the Ark of the Covenant actually an advanced nuclear weapon built by ancient aliens? Was “God” simply a remote ET or artificial intelligence that chose to communicate or kill the Israelites at their leisure? Where is the Ark of the Covenant now: Japan, Ethiopia, Scotland? The world may never know...but our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists sure do! This episode actually has some decent evidence presented by religious experts and stays on a specific topic...almost the whole time. But does that stop Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, and Non-Character Jim Carrey from stopping by to share their own opinions about the Ark that holds the 10 Commandments? It sure as heck-fire doesn’t! Let’s proooooooooooooobe into the true nature of the Ark thingy from the Indiana Jones movie!

Are the mysterious islands of the world actually secret alien bases and re-fueling stations for extraterrestrials? Are the Solomon Islands actually run by a race of alien shape-shifting giants that have been terrorizing and breeding with the native peoples for hundreds of years? Did Sandy Island disappear from simple erosion, or did otherworldly travelers use cloaking technology to hide this important location, even from Google Maps? Is the mythical island of Hy-Brasil simply an alien Garden of Eden-style paradise that appears once every 7 years to keep watch of the Irish peoples that the god-like beings helped create? Steve and Joey sure as hell don’t know after watching this episode, but you better believe our plucky ancient astronaut theorists sure think SOMETHIN’s going on on these mountain tops poking out of the sea like an aquatic prolapse! Let’s prooooooooooooooooooobe into forbidden islands and see if them thar’s little green men ashore!

Are mysterious relics actually ancient alien technology given to ancient man by extraterrestrial gods? Are religious artifacts simply tools of the alien trade and occasionally they’d stop by and tell someone who should be king or grant your wishes or some such? Is this episode description a lot weaker and shorter than our usual write-ups? You bet your green alien ass it is, because our plucky ancient astronaut theorists are really phoning it in on the Season 5 finale of Ancient Aliens, where they literally just define what relics are over and over again and ponder out load for millions to see! Let’s proooooooooooooooobe into these licks of rel and perhaps we too shall be king of the pounding prolapse!

Are the royal bloodlines of the world considered “divine” because they actually have alien DNA within their veins? Why do all kings and queens seem to have divinity as a requirement to rule their people? Did extraterrestrials choose certain humans to bestow technological gifts upon and imbue them with scientific knowledge - enough to rule a whole country? Do our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists just keep repeating the same crap about how kings are aliens or alien hybrids over and over again this episode until they hope you believe it? You bet your moist pink prolapse they do! Steve & Joey break down a whole bunch of nothing after one of the worst episodes of Ancien Aliens ever - but hey - the disgusting humor and insight you know and love is here in spades! Plus some VERY special announcements about the future of Probing Ancient Aliens and new podcasts from the boys! Let’s proooooooobe into the royal holes of Emperors, Kings, and Pharaohs!

Did ancient extraterrestrials in the form of Thoth, Dhanvantari and Dianchecht provide the medical knowledge needed for ancient cultures to perform surgeries that are harrowing even today? How did so-called “primitive people” safely open their patients’ skulls to manage complicated neurosurgery procedures that people actually survived? Was the ancient Greek healer Asclepius actually an alien disguised as a human...or perhaps a human connected to advanced extraterrestrial teachers? Have thought-powered prosthetics and other bionic enhancements actually been around for thousands of years? Steve and Joey sure as hell don’t know, but they’re sure our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists do! Let’s prooooooooobe into ancient alien operations and see what makes these bad beings tick!

Was the epitome of evil: Satan, simply a misunderstood extraterrestrial looking to give technology and self-sufficiency to early man? Is Satan just another version of Shemyaza from the Book of Enoch? Are other rebellious, human-loving gods like Prometheus, Kukulkan, Set, and Viracocha just other forms of Satan - making him a singular “bringer of light” to cultures across the ancient world? Was the technology and knowledge Lucifer brought to man actually a benevolent act by a loving deity and not the demonic trickery of “the enemy?” Do our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists actually believe that Satan himself was “...not such a bad guy” as David Childress mentions in this very ‘sode?! Let’s prooooooooooooobe into the supposed conspiracy against everyone’s favorite devilish dude!

Are Magic Wands actually advanced Hitatchi-brand alien technology that performed feats so advanced that ancient man thought it was magic? Was Merlin the Wizard a half-human/half-alien being with advanced technology and superhuman abilities due to his extraterrestrial origins? What of other sorcerers, magi, illusionists, and royal advisors - were they simply the chosen few given fantastical alien devices that changed the fate of their world simply by their connection with “the gods?” Is the power once referred to as magic actually latent supernatural abilities that E.T.’s keep hidden in our DNA and can only be unleashed by extreme meditation and physical conditioning? Why did an old Chinese wizard ride a mule backward across the sky? Were it’s Shrek jokes so humorless that he couldn’t bare to face the magical braying of his hyperspace powered steed? Steve and Joey sure don’t know, but our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists MUST have all the evidence-based answers a little Prober or Probette could ask for...right? Let’s PROOOOOOOOOOOBE into the magic of the gods and see if you believe what’s in a young girl’s heart…

Did the Mesopotamian gods...the Annunaki...actually create humans as a slave race to mine gold for them? Are all gods, angels, demons, and religions simply the Annunaki interpreted in countless cultural ways? Was Noah’s great flood actually caused by an Annunaki alien thousands of years before Noah was even born? Was Mars an Annunaki waystation as they traveled from Nibiru (the mysterious Planet X!!!) to Earth? Is the government trying to cover up the true history of our Annunaki origins?! Is Gozer the Gozarian my real mom?! WHAT ABOUT UNCLE-NAKI?! AUNT-NAKI GETS ALL THE SPOTLIGHT!!! All these questions and more will for sure be answered in great detail by our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists on today’s episode, and we juuuuust might discuss some other things that start with “A-N-U…” if you catch my Sumerian drift! Let’s proooooooobe into the Annunaki Connection to EVERYTHING!!!

Get out your whips and brown fedoras, little probers - we’re on a search for the 13 mysterious Crystal Skulls! What power do they hold? Is each crystal skull an advanced super computer from other inhabited worlds? Are their ancient ancestral spirits inside each quartz laden visage? Do Crystal Skulls allow us to see into other dimensions? What happens when we place all 13 next to each other - perhaps...forming the most delicious Dio De Los Muertos feast ever seen in ancient Mesoamerica?! With our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists as guides, let’s prooooooooooobe into some crystal clear facts about these enigmatic objects! Hey...since this episode is was shot after the world DIDN’T end with the 2012 Mayan Calendar, the AAT crew needs a new super vague Mayan object to dangle their apocalyptic carrots with!

Why is the number 3 so important to the human psyche? Why do seemingly all religions contain examples of the number 3 as a holy value? Did aliens create our DNA codons in triplets so that we would understand the true power of three? How did the Egyptians, and then Pythagoras, discover the infinite mathematical and structural value of the triangle - the simplest and most perfect shape in all of geometry? Did the Freemasons understand the true power of three, basing their central tenet on it? What of the mystical third eye of Hindu and other eastern cultures and its ability to see through to other realms? Is the pineal gland our literal third eye, allowing us to communicate with extraterrestrials and download knowledge from other dimensions? Does any of this have to do with ancient aliens at all? I’m sure our plucky ancient astronaut theorists will have a ton of fact-based evidence and correlation and anthropological examples of the number three being used in all cultures across the world! I’m sure they’ll mention other numbers too so that the viewer can compare! Or they’ll just blather on, Sesame Street style, about how three is their favorite - and “the magic” - number! Yay! Let’s prooooooooooobe into some threesome thoughts!