Progressively Horrified

2023: that was a fucking yeah, huh?

We discovered that watching their movies back to back four weeks in a row was enough to make us hate any director. My eye has only recently stopped twitching when people say the name Cronenberg. Would you believe I even got tired to Guillermo Del Toro? Whodathunk?
We caught up with Scream just in time for it to implode very publicly. We fell in love with a goofy black lesbian and her softspoken brother as they fought a sky manta ray. We learned how to murder someone with a Menu, we learned that babies are made when a woman grows an external rage womb, and we learned perhaps the least effective way to stop an apocalypse by showing up at a gay couple's cabin. But perhaps most importantly, Hellbender taught us that the real magical powers were the friends we ate along the way

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We've been talking about this movie since we started the podcast and now we finally did it!

Unfortunately, this film's John Constantine is from LA. Mercifully, that means Keanu doesn't have to do a British accent. Not that he can't do it. I mean, forsooth, we all remember Bram Stoker's Dracula, do we not? Instead, this time we leave it to Rachel Weisz to do an accent which basically just equates to "Americans talk low and mumble, right?". Hey, did she teach Benedict Cumberbatch? That's definitely a Greenwich Village accent, right?

But just like The Prophecy, nothing that happens in this movie really matters until Gabriel and Satan show up! Tilda Swinton's Gabriel is The Angel of Gender and Stormare's Satan is really just having the time of his life for the whole five minutes he's in the movie. This is how you become THE DEVIL.

Oh and for some reason Shia LeBeouf is here. Why? Unclear. Ask again later.

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It's a very special episode of Progressively Horrified!
Join the Horror Squad and guest Matt Fraction for a dynamic discussion about the 1970s proto-slasher film 'Black Christmas'!

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Come for the absolute masterpiece of scene chewing that is Al Pacino as The Devil, stay out of the morbid curiosity of hearing what accent is going to come out of Keanu's mouth next. His accent grows no moss, because it's a rolling stone. Don't try to pin him to any one place or syntax.
Hey, guys, did you remember that Charlize Theron is in this movie. They don't give her a ton to work with, but she's playing Florida girl for wall she's worth! There so much going on and yet, somehow, not enough. See a man learn to run while on camera. Regret paint choices that aren't even yours. Learn about the evil titties of lawyers' wives. Downright demonic nips. 

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In which the concept of voodoo has 1980s Hollywood absolutely by the balls. They can't get enough of it. Nevermind that the version of it that makes it into movies like this is absolute nonsense and a half-hearted excuse to get Lisa Bonet dancing topless. 

It's okay (it's not!) but you will get to see the devil who has spent the most time at the manicurist. Devil De Niro is the most surprisingly femme devil you're going to meet this month. He keeps his nails long and neat and he loves an accessory. He's got canes. He got rings. He will follow you across the country and pay private investigator to come have sex with you just so he can cut out your heart. The Angel Heart wants what the Angel Heart wants!

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Satan Month continues!
In this episode, The Horror Squad is joined by Rachael Alexandra to talk about Jack Nicholson's portrayal of the Devil in The Witches of Eastwick (1987).

It's a singularly horny movie Susan Sarandon fucks stringed instruments, the devil wants Cher to step on him, and Michelle Pfeiffer just wants sempai to notice her. there's more implied sex than you can shake a horny stick at. You may have to ask yourself the question "Is Jack Nicholson sexy," but you will never have to ask yourself "Does Jack Nicholson fuck?"
Did you know George Miller directed this and there isn't a single desert car chase? Can you imagine?

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A movie which could only possibly be made by a writer/director because if another person had their hands on it, it would absolutely be a half hour shorter. The pacing is bad. The story is bonkers. The lead characters are boring. The film quality is poor. Their depiction of Native Americans is pretty racist. The politics are extremely suspect.

BUT BOY DID THEY KNOW HOW TO CAST SOME MURDER ANGELS!

Christopher Walken is Gabriel, a rogue angle on a mission to start a new war in heaven. Viggo Mortenson is Lucifer. You think you know what that looks like by reading that sentence? I promise you don't. Is he sexy? I guess that depends on your response to being threatened with eating your mother's feces. We've all got our things, right? Tom Ellis he ain't.

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Come with us and delight in the masterpiece of seventies cinema that is Don't Look Now! All about grief, madness, blind psychic English ladies, and a church that is being exhaustively restored yet no one seems to give a rat's ass about. Come for the half hour long sex scene featuring extensive on-screen cunnilingus, stay for the twist that will have you saying "What the fuck, rest of this movie?!!" Secure yourself to your swinging platform and get ready to chase the ghost of your dead daughter through the streets of Venice with our guest, the inimitable Paul Cornell. It's Don't Look Now!

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Casey Gilley joins us to talk about one of the most amazing and under the radar horror movies of 2022, Hellbender.
You say you like horror movies about witchcraft? And horror movies about family? What about one about a family of witches who consume life to use magic?

What was your COVID project, because this little family made one of the best horror movies of the decade so far. 

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Boy howdy, this one's got the outstanding SEO of a "Thing" or a "Fly" with none of the inherent charm of those nouns.

Alex Garland is back and he's down to make you incredibly uncomfortable. Old man junk? Check! Rampant sexism? Check! Men giving birth to younger versions of themselves in a neverending cycle of goo? Well, have we got a treat for you! Jessie Buckley is doing some amazing work carrying this one. 

What does it all mean? Who knows! But we're gonna talk it in circles until we come to some sort of horrifying conclusion that none of us are comfortable with or happy about. That's the Progressively Horrified way, you cool babies!

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