ReDiscover You: Dating and Life When Starting Again

Fearing Rejection
Building Your Dating Resilience, Part 4 of 5
Season 1, Episode 17

Is the possibility of rejection stopping you from being your best?

If you are dating, you’ve no doubt faced hurt, disappointment, rejection, and a myriad of other emotions that have left you questioning if there are better ways to spend your free time. 
Building your Dating Resilience will help you stare down adversity, allowing you to roll with the punches dating and life throw at you. 

Today I share with you my first rejection after getting back in the dating game, and what I learned from the many that followed. 

Dealing with Rejection

The emotions that follow rejection fuel the flame for more hurt, and a string of disaster movies playing in your head for weeks to come. 

I was aware that if I didn’t date, I could avoid the discomfort altogether, but that would keep me from experiencing the possibility of love and partnership that I was seeking. 

What’s Behind the Feeling We all Hate?

The most interesting thing about rejection is where it originates. We look at rejection as something done to us by another person. Rejection is less about what the person says to you, and more about what you say to yourself when they stop talking. 

When they stop, that critical voice in your head starts. And when your critical voice talks, it reminds you of all the negative things you already feel about yourself. It’s your own critical voice afterward that brings on the hurt and emotion.

The imagined rejection would start the conversation going in my head. The doubt about me already existed. Being turned down, or even imagining it, kicks off that negative internal dialogue. 

In most rejections, you never get a clear cut reason why you are being rejected. Without a reason your mind goes to whatever you see as your shortcoming. 

It took me a while to realize I can’t be all things to all people, nor do I want to be. I was far from perfect, but to the right person, I could be a perfect match. I just had to realize that and not give up searching each time I got stung with another letdown.

Steps to Building Your Rejection Resilience

It’s a positive thing that rejection hurts. It means that your heart’s in it. It’s important to you, as it was to me. I never got to the place where I enjoyed rejection, but I did learn how my own feelings added fuel to the fire. 

Today I'll share the tips that have helped myself and others look at rejection from an angel you've likely never thought of! 

Today’s Podcast is sponsored by ReDiscover Dating: What’s Keeping You From Getting Back Out There? The book, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited, is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild your confidence, recreate your social life, and find love again.

“The fear of rejection is worse than rejection itself.” – Nora Profit

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How Long Will This Take?

Building Your Dating Resilience, Part 3
Season 1, Episode 16

ReDiscover You: Creating confidence, stepping out from shyness, expanding your world and finding love when you’re starting anew.

Most of us would agree that dating can be stressful, and we all handle that stress differently. Hurt, rejection and a stream of emotions are all part of dating. We get our hopes up, only to have them come crashing down. 

Having the ability to get back up after you’ve been knocked down is a key component to building a stronger, more resilient you.

Today I'll tackle:
Resilience Breaker #3 Having a short-sighted view

Dating apps make connecting with other singles easier than ever. These quicker connection points are good at keeping you engaged and feeling instant gratification, but faster results don’t necessarily equate to better connections. Just more possibilities quickly. There’s a big difference.

Learn How a short-sighted approach could hurt your chances of finding love

Resilience Breaker #4-Believing “There is No One Out There For Me”

If you’ve been dating a while, you may have already begun to feel that there really isn’t anyone out there compatible for you. Your friends, seeing the struggle, offer helpful advice like, “You’ll meet The One when you stop searching for them.” 

That may work in the movies, but it’s not a good plan. It’s a little like sitting home, waiting for a job offer. It's not likely to happen!

COVID-19 has changed the landscape of dating for now. That doesn’t mean you have to stop searching. Don’t let these times dictate your opportunities! 

There are more great singles out there than you think. Learn how your view might be stifling your ability to meet them!

Dating feels like a marathon of misconnections. Making the right connection seems impossible no matter how hard you try. That’s how you will feel right up until you meet the right person. Don’t give up one day short!

Today’s Podcast is sponsored by ReDiscover Dating: What’s Keeping You From Getting Back Out There? The book, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited, is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild your confidence, recreate your social life, and find love again.

“When you finally meet the right one for you, it suddenly becomes clear why everyone else was so wrong”-Steve Maraboli

ReDiscover You: Creating confidence, stepping out from shyness, expanding your world and finding love when you’re starting over. 

When it comes to dating, resilience is one of your most important tools. Resilience is defined as your ability to bounce back in the face of adversity. 

Being resilient doesn’t mean you won’t face challenges. Instead, it means that you will be able to see your way through them. It isn’t something you are either born with or not. You can improve your ability to bounce back, and that’s where we’ll pick up today. 

My story

Early on, I struggled with the feeling that I wouldn’t be a good dating candidate to the kind of person I was hoping to meet. As I began filling out my first online dating profile, it struck me that I wasn’t making the money I once was. I let this begin to undermine my confidence. 

How could I measure up to those other guys out here making all the big bucks? Why would anyone want to date me? This was the question I began asking myself over and over as I beat myself up over this. 

Focusing on the negatives turned my attention from the bigger picture. I was no longer seeing my positives because I had put focus on my negatives. As I began writing and researching my book, I found I wasn’t alone. 

Comparisonitis

At times, we all compare ourselves to the world around us. It’s human nature. Deep inside, most of us are afraid we aren’t enough. We don’t really want anyone else to know that we feel this way about ourselves, and we often think these feelings are unique to us. So we keep quiet. 

While we are keeping quiet, we are also looking around to the outside world for a frame of reference. While some people can use comparison as a healthy way to improve themselves, Others struggle with it, and it can shut them down. Which one are you?

It's easy to think “I’m not as good looking” as them, or as social. I don’t have the income, the fancy car, or whatever you find yourself comparing. It’s easy to get caught up spending far too much time focusing on what is wrong with me, and not enough on what is great about who God made me.  

If you can’t find value in yourself, you won’t see why anyone would want to be with you. This can keep you from bouncing back. You’ll go out less, pursue less often, and are more likely to settle into poor quality relationships

 So, how do I get past these feelings so I can more easily bounce back?
Join us today to unlock your dating resilience!

Today’s Podcast is sponsored by ReDiscover Dating: What’s Keeping You From Getting Back Out There? The book, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited, is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild your confidence, recreate your social life, and find love again.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"-Theodore Roosevelt

Part 1 of “Building Your Dating Resilience” 

Resilience is one of your most important dating tools. But, how can you increase dating resilience? Having the ability to bounce back from difficult situations can make the difference in whether you give up or stay in for the long haul. 


This is the first in a series of four, discussing Fear of Getting Started Again. I don’t need to tell you that dating brings its own slew of difficult situations. I will offer some simple but powerful strategies that can help you get back up, often before you’ve even gotten knocked down.

How do you plan your Resilience? Dating and attraction can bring many opportunities for emotion, pain and rejection. Knowing what pitfalls lie ahead can help you prepare for them in advance.

By preparing in advance, you can increase your bounce back. Having resilience won’t keep you from experiencing pain and disappointment, but it will help you bounce back more quickly from it. 

Resilience Breaker #1-Fear of Getting Started

If you are struggling with getting back out there, you are dealing with some degree of fear. You have negative past experiences that have made you think twice about jumping in again. Even if you think you can’t, you have the ability to bounce back from the hurt of your past  and do this. 

The Bullhorn in Your Ear

If the thought of getting back out there makes your stomach churn, I understand. There is hope, though. Some people love dating, meeting new people, and the excitement of new relationships. For those of us who dread the thought, much of the problem lies in what you are telling yourself. 

It is not whether you feel anxious about dating. Most of us do. It’s likely that part of your brain is screaming at you with a bullhorn, “You’ll never make it. You can’t do this!” The biggest hurdle for most of us is a mental one.

What’s keeping you from bouncing back and getting started again?

Fear Imagined

Anxiety provides a set of movies that get played over and again in your head. Daydreams, experiences, and concerns about the future all play into anxiety. You visualize again and again how this concern will negatively impact your life.

Anything new, from giving a speech to recreating your social life can bring on feelings of fear. The first time I went out to a social event after my divorce, I was terrified. My heart was racing, and I nearly  turned around and went home. I knew though, that I couldn’t get where I wanted to go by sitting home any longer. 

When you experience a new situation, your brain goes on high alert, pumping you up with chemicals like adrenaline. These brain chemicals have no place to go since there isn’t a real danger to flee from. The stress builds up as you sit, sweating bullets. 

When these imagined fears strike, your response is often the same “fight or flight” reaction as if there was a real danger. The feeling can leave you with sweaty palms and a racing heart. We’ve all felt it. 

The worst thing you can do is to avoid the very thing you fear. When you avoid getting back out there, you leave it at arms reach, where it will always remain uncomfortable and impossible. 

As long as you allow it to remain an “I can’t”, it remains a big deal. The more you attempt the very thing that strikes fear in you, the less it remains insurmountable. 

Today's Episode is All About Building Your Resilience from Your Past Relationships to Start the New Journey Awaiting You.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” -Dale Carnegie

What are you unwilling to deal with in another person? What traits do you want to steer clear of as you search for love?

In today’s episode, we are going to consider your Deal-Breakers list. When you date without first defining what is important to you in a relationship, it is much easier to get swayed by a person who doesn’t have the qualities and values you are seeking. 

The dead end relationships created this way suck time and energy from finding someone who would be a better fit, or could lead you to give up in frustration. Even worse, one of these relationships could lead to a lifetime of unhappiness. 

Deal Breakers
Just as important as the positive values I wanted to find in a mate, there were traits that I wanted to be sure I avoided at all costs, no matter how exciting they seemed otherwise. . 

Taking the time to create a Deal-Breaker list not only helped guide me, but it also strengthened my resolve for not settling. When I was younger, I had little idea what I wanted in a relationship. The second time around I had many life experiences to pull from. After creating my Must-Have and Deal-Breaker lists, I had a clear vision of the kind of person I wanted to meet. 

Dating is a roller coaster ride of emotion, and most people you meet won’t be a good fit. Yet it’s easy to overlook things in the excitement of meeting someone who shows great interest in you. Especially when faced with a charming personality, rugged good looks, or a stunning figure. These lists can keep you on course.

My goal is to help you to find the right one, not just anyone. Having a clear view of the kind of person you want to find will help you know what to look for, where to focus your energy, and who to eliminate.  

Today’s Podcast is sponsored by ReDiscover Dating, What’s Keeping You From Getting Back Out There? This book, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited, is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild your confidence, recreate your social life, and find love again.

I want to thank Enya Agerholm for today’s music. You can find out more about Enya at enyaagerholm.com. 

Don’t fall in love with someone who says the right things. Fall in love with someone who does the right things-Robert Tew

Today we are going to create a Must-Have list. Defining your Must-Haves' can help keep you on track in the search for a great partner. It’s important to consider what you want before starting any relationship. 

It’s much easier to get swayed by a person who doesn’t have the qualities and values you’re seeking if you haven’t considered what’s most important to you upfront. Not having a list may steal time and energy away from finding someone who is a better fit, and could leave you in a long-term relationship with someone who isn’t a good match.

What I didn’t want to do was go out on a Friday night, meet someone who was really cute and made me laugh, and then let that excitement try to drive a relationship that wasn’t a good fit. Yet this is the way many new relationships start.

What I was looking for in a mate differed completely from what I was looking for when I was young. I had grown a lot and had many experiences since then. So, why would I want to seek out a relationship in the same way as I would have when I was a kid?

What had my experiences shown me? What did I know about myself that I didn’t know when I was younger? How did I want a future relationship to differ from my previous ones?

Taking these questions, and adding them to what I’d shared with you in last week’s episode, we will began building a vision of what you want in a relationship. 

Could I find someone who could match up? I wasn’t sure, but I knew that these were important characteristics that went far beyond what our music tastes or favorite movies were. 

What characteristics would someone that fit well with me naturally have?

When I met someone new, I was tied up in the emotion and excitement of the moment. We all have busy lives, and even in the best of situations, I might get to spend a few hours a week getting to know them. Keeping a list of the things that were of great importance meant that I didn’t miss out on anything in the moments I was spending with them. 

I could use that list as a reminder to ask questions and steer conversation in the right direction to better understand this person. I didn’t use my list as an interrogation tool, but as a reminder to weave these areas of importance into conversations that helped me assess critical characteristics and values. 

Your list, whether a paper list or a digital note, is a way of staying on track, and not missing out on the small details that can get overlooked in the excitement. It will help you stay grounded to what’s most important to you, so you can make objective decisions in the face of incoming information and excitement. 

Science tells us that, while we like to think we make logical decisions, we often base decisions on emotion. What you feel in your heart is important. But you need to be able to counterbalance that with rational decision-making to create long-term happiness together. 

In his book, The Five Love Languages, the Secret to Love That Lasts, Gary Chapman tells us of research done by Dorothy Tennov on the feeling of being in love. 

Dr. Tennov’s research found that the in-love experience lasts about two years. So when you eventually come down out of the clouds (and you will), you want to be happy with the decisions you’ve made. 

Today, we will look at the characteristics and values that you deem most important.

What traits are important to you in another person? 
What core values are you looking for in a mate? 

Ever catch yourself daydreaming about what a great relationship would look and feel like? Have you considered the kind of person it would take to create a deep connection with you?

Today we’ll begin to dive into that question in part one of three in a series entitled Who am I Looking For? 

It's easy to overlook differences in personality and values in the excitement of meeting someone new, which can lead to big problems later. Having the ready reference of a Must-Have and Deal-Breaker list can steer you back on course time and again.  

The old saying is true that, “It’s hard to read the label from inside the bottle.” When you meet someone new, there was often a combination of emotion, chemistry and excitement all swirling around in my head. In the rush of excitement, little details that could play a major role in long-term happiness (or unhappiness) can get overlooked. 

It’s harder to decipher the important qualities in those moments of excitement. A list can keep you grounded in the presence of a charming personality who isn't a good fit for you. Everyone's list looks different, based on your decisions, hopes and values.

Many times I’ve heard people say they will just know it when they meet the right one. I’ve watched as those very people cycled in and out of relationships that felt good on the surface, but didn’t hold water. When you get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, it can be very difficult to see the forest for the trees.

Chemistry

Chemistry is a term that often gets tossed around when the topic of love comes up. We are all interested in finding someone who makes our heart skip a beat. Brain chemistry is a powerful drug. While chemistry is exciting, it alone won’t sustain a relationship in the long run.

Compatibility

Chemistry is the stronger attractor, but compatibility is the glue that binds a relationship. When two people hold similar values and have complementary characteristics, their views of life are more compatible for happiness. It is far more important than chemistry for long-term happiness. Knowing what you are looking for and why you are looking for it will act as a guiding light in your search for a compatible partner. Doing so will not only lead you toward the right person; it will give you the ability to see who to steer away from. 

Today's Podcast is sponsored by ReDiscover Dating: What’s Keeping You From Getting Back Out There? The book, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited, is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild your confidence, recreate your social life, and find love again.

Season 1, Episode 10

Find out how the smallest detail almost kept me from meeting my wife, and what you should consider that could save you from missing a great relationship.

When we read a dating profile, meet someone at a party, or go out on a first date, we rarely know much about them. So, we tend to piece together the tiny bits of information we can get our hands on about who they are. 

Faced with few details to go on, we can make inaccurate judgement calls and overlook great people. Some will argue that you should just throw everything out there, and if they don’t like you, they don’t like you. But why get tossed out before you even get in the game? I hate to say it, but this is a competition. 

The selection process often takes place subconsciously, and the difference may be trivial details or “feelings” that you get from what you read in their profile. Dating is a numbers game.. If you are serious about finding a great relationship, you must make sure you are using the right search criteria.

Why get yourself tossed out before your great features are weighed in on? 

Why toss out amazing candidates before we’ve gotten to see them for who they really are?

Season 1, Episode 9

Today I’ll introduce you to 7 confidence tips to help jumpstart your journey.

I see confidence built up on three pedestals; Thinking, Knowing, and Doing. These tips and strategies all come from my three tiered approach. 

Confidence is something that any of us can attain. It’s really a change of perspective, brought on by taking action. These actions allow you to learn and grow your competence. 

Thinking
Recognize the negative statements you are making about getting back out there are simply opinions, and not truth. 

Knowing
If you know who it is you are seeking to meet, the dating process becomes less chaotic. It is so important to know the type of partner you are looking for before you ever set out to meet anyone. Knowing who you are looking for makes it easier in several ways.

Doing

C. S. Lewis once said “Sometimes the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you have it already.”- C.S. Lewis

Doing is taking action. It's where the rubber meets the road. Any change in confidence requires you to take action. Your action plan here for Doing consists of five parts. They work equally well for both men and women. Each of these allows you to take a proactive role in your confidence-building. 

I discuss the Three Confidence Considerations, and how they apply to your social and dating life.

You Must Take Action to Make a Change

Knowledge alone won’t change your behavior. Unless your habits change, nothing changes. Take one step at a time and continue reminding yourself that these small steps will change your perspective, your confidence, and your world. 

Season One, Episode Eight

Does the thought of starting again feel overwhelming?
Today I'll discuss how too many concerns can piggyback and keep you frozen in place, and how to turn off the brain overload by shifting your focus by:   

• recognizing fear imagined
• picking a lane and going for it
• Staying focused on the next step

If you are having a hard time dating again, this episode will provide good insight and real-life experience. 

This is the final episode in a series of five entitled, "What's Keeping You From Getting Back Out There?"