“I think it’s a big myth that relationships should be easy, or because I love my partner, it should be easier.”

–Stacey Curnow

Why are relationships so hard? We think they should be easy, but we’re primed from an early age to have trouble. Stacey Curnow is a family counselor and the author of Repair Your Relationships, and we dive into the why behind that — and how we can fix it — in this conversation.

It comes down to our nervous system. If we feel unsafe, we go one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze or collapse. When our nervous system gets dysregulated nothing good comes of it, so Stacey helps us think through what we need to create calm.

One person in a relationship can work on their attachment wounds, but when everyone is doing the work, it goes faster and better.

We talk about: 

• Getting out of a blame cycle
• Intergenerational trauma from a shamanic and neuroscience lens
• Moving away from attack and defense to curiosity
• Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation as a tool 
• Collaboration and understanding priorities even if you disagree
• Prioritizing calm

ABOUT Stacey

Stacey Curnow is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) and owner of Asheville Family Counseling. She specializes in helping people heal attachment trauma and enjoy more connection and happiness in their most important relationships. She's spent years learning and sharing about how to make relationships stronger and more loving with a unique mixture of cutting-edge science and ancient wisdom. She's on a mission to help people have happier and healthier relationships, and her counseling practice, books, and online programs are a big part of that mission.

LINKS

• Stacey’s book: https://staceycurnow.com/book/
• Stacey’s relationship fire drill
• Stacey & Asheville Family Counseling on Facebook @StaceyCurnow
• Stacey on Facebook
• Stacey on Instagram @ashvillefamilycounseling

DOABLE CHANGES

At the end of every episode, we share three doable changes, so you can take what you've heard and put it into action. Action is where change happens.

Even though we want big change, it’s really little things done over and over that make the difference. So pick a doable thing. Put it in your calendar. Weave it through your days for a week and then move on to the next one. It will have a snowball effect.

• PRIORITIZE CALM. What do you need to do when your nervous system gets dysregulated? Stacey offers some examples: going for a walk, calling a friend, taking a bath, taking three deep breaths. There are of course many other options. The important one is knowing what works for you. If you don’t know, try out one of these options the next time you feel yourself losing your cool. If it doesn’t work, try another one. Write prioritize calm places where you will see it regularly to remind you to use your calming strategies.
• TRY THE RAIN PRACTICE. Try Tara Brach’s RAIN practice. Here’s how she explains it: Recognize what is happening; Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; Investigate with interest and care; Nurture with self-compassion.
• UNDERSTAND PRIORITY CONCERNS. You may disagree with your partner in a certain situation, but see if you can understand each other’s priority concerns. For example, is your priority safety, fairness, learning, health …? That understanding gives you a different place to address the issue.