Reset With Renee

IFS

Overview of the model

Professional training in the model: Level 1 & 2 in St. Louis 2010 & 2011 

Personal therapy in the model & couples therapy      

Common parts in CPTSD:  overthinking/analyzing/looping,

BREAKTHROUGH & BREAKDOWN: 40 - 49  

· Breaking down is often the breakthrough but it is difficult.

· Collapse of survival & manager parts; total ANS burnout

·  Dark night of the soul

·  Rebirth – a process of release, resolution, reclamation, & reimagining.  It’s a return home to your native essence, gifts, calling, & energy.  From there you can reimagine a different way forward. But first It’s a cleaning up of the internal & external world & it impacts every aspect of your life

I am not alone.

Adults who have higher ACE scores, experienced abuse and/or neglect, & weren’t supported “enough” to meet their developmental needs start their adult life overburdened & underdeveloped.  They

You are not alone. 

Recovery & healing is possible.  A pathway of unburdening, integrating, & embodying exists. 

I invite you to reach out to reset.

#resetwithrenee #ifstherapy #ifscoaching #naturalstatetherapist #showmestatetherapist #workouttherapist #cptsd #hsp #narcissisticabusesurvivor #divorcerecovery #traumainformed #emdr #psychedelicassistedtherapy #connectinside #howtohuman #wholehearted #embodied #integrated #harmony #healing #selfenergy #youaretheone

Power is useful, a resource; & can be used for good or to cause hurt or harm. 

This episode applies to all relationships in your life.  The goal is to be in right relationship with others, each person in their personal power.

If something feels “off” check to see if there is a power struggle, hustle, or leak. 

1.   Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer triangle – know what it is & how to get off it.

2.     Unconscious Relationships -3 projects

3.     Pure Power/Personal Power (From Tanner Wallace)  

I’m in my power; you’re in your power, equal but different. 

What’s here for me, for us, & is possible now?        

What is it I’m desiring, want to deepen, embody, or lean into?

Mind, body, heart, soul, spirit synched up

4.     What is circumstantial power? (From Tanner Wallace)

Looking outside of yourself for your sense of being ok.

Chasing: seeking validation, information, or truth from others.

Hoping:  hope alone - with no aligned action, skill set assessment, is a recipe for giving

Grabbing:  when we don’t trust us or have faith in the process/path to unfold & force

Waiting:  decision making by default, deferring to another versus discerning the

5.      Other forms of disempowerment (from Gene Keys):

Complaining -disempowering oneself, problem oriented. The energy of the complaint itself serves to strengthen the illusion that life is so very hard.

Causes sustained general wear on our physical organism = energy leak. Freedom occurs when we see through our deepest unconscious patterns (fears) to the heart of this energetic. 

Acknowledge the trigger,the unconscious root, & address the need for you.

Blaming - We fire an arrow at another that removes self-responsibility for our situation, giving away our

The moment one blames another, one is again the victim of one’s own drama (Victim Triangle). 

It is impossible to blame another for one’s fate & simultaneously realize that one is simply an actor in a play.  Everyone is their

No personal power in shaming or judging.  These are strategies we use when we don’t feel personal power. Personal power requires discernment

6.     Abuse of power

When others power over you to gain the upper hand for them & keep you in a place of inferiority to serve their objective; hurt & harm are caused at an individual & collective level.

·       Gaslighting

·       Aggression, Dominance, Threat

·       Manipulation, Coercive control

·       

For communication to go well:

1.  Capacity - Each person needs to have the time, space, energy, & privacy needed to be present, attuned, engaged, regulated,

2.  Having clarity of intention – is this about increasing intimacy through shared vulnerability; is it about addressing

3. Being open to outcome, pacing, & the idea of “chunking”

4. Lack of internal conflict is best or at least...

5.  Clarity that an inner conflict exists (on one hand & on the other)

6. Keep it simple -  “CLEAR IS KIND” or 3 Fs -facts, feelings, fair request

7.   Avoid polarizing statements like “you make me feel….”. 

8.   Lead with questions that start with what or how NOT why. 

9.   Avoid extremes like you always or you never. 

10.  Knowing your core truth is essential – trusting your gut, staying stuck in your head, or being led by your emotions/heart can make

11.  Check your energy – speak from a place of personal power not circumstantial power  - that you borrow or manufacture.  Personal responsibility &

12.  Avoid reaching, pushing, chasing, protesting, shame, blame, criticism, or contempt.

13.  You can say the “right” words but if the expression is NOT electroneutral – & carries a zing or energetic charge, the message has less chance of landing well.

14.  In fact, it will likely trigger defensive parts in the other person & communication will devolve into a defensive part to defensive part battle.

15.  Approach conversations with a “win - win” attitude versus a power over or power under strategy. 

16.  Call a time out/pause when one or both people can no longer stay centered or regulated. The one who needs the time out (most likely the

17.  If overwhelm builds, ask for what you need to stay present (lower voices, sitting together, movement, holding hands).

18.  Or notice & name that the dynamic is going off track & invite the other to course correct with you.  Do this once, not repeatedly.  It is not dignifying or respectful to yourself to beg, plead, or chase.

SUMMARY

Being able to self regulate, self reflect, self soothe is a good building block to brining your best self to relationship dynamics.  Wholehearted communication is clear, kind, & truthful and absent of power dynamics.  It’s best to honor you & honor them & allow the outcome to unfold. 

RESOURCES

For additional hep, consider:

Book:  Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

Website:  https://www.cnvc.org/

#resetwithrenee

#cptsd #generational

#ifstherapist

#emotionalintelligence

#mentalhealth

#relationships

#acceptance

#selfregulation

INTIMACY = “Into ME” “I see”

For intimacy you would need the following ingredients, steps, or skills:

1. Self-awareness: what’s happening inside/outside

2. Self-reflection: what’s working/not working

3. Self-regulation:

4. Self-expression: Ability to articulate/verbalize aspects of your internal world, in a calm, clear, energetically clean manner & ideally to be received as such.

INTIMACY WITH OTHERS

BLOCKS TO INTIMACY 

1.  Cultural

2. Personal/Relational

“U Turn” & #connectinside

· What are you thinking, feeling, sensing, doing?

· What need, fear, wound, or dream is at stake?

· What “usual suspects” are coming up to protect you? Can you tend & befriend them? Their energy, emotion, & message is a gift.

When intimacy is shaky, get curious about what is driving behavior (yours or theirs).

· Are you resonating with fear?

· Are you resonating with the present moment? Here, here, now, now, what is possible?

· Are you connected to your heart, your truth?

· Are you in a state of contraction or expansion?

· Do you need time/space to “rest & digest” & have you communicated that?

· Are you focusing on growth, co-creation, & empowerment?

SUMMARY

There is a shift happening across generations. Old patterns of living & relating are being questioned, assessed, & when needed or desired, updated. You may not have learned the basic skills, steps, or ingredients of intimacy & you CAN now. To explore this topic further or to grow your relational skills... reach out to #reset!

1. Acronyms

ANXIETY DRIVEN

Forget/Fuck Everything And Run

False Evidence Appearing Real

False Emotions Appearing Real

(seeing the world through defensive frames)

EMPOWERMENT DRIVEN

Face Everything And Rise

(note & drop the story, note the facts or problem, what is here now, what’s possible)

2. Fear creates discomfort, conflict or conflict avoidance, “anxiety”/non-neutral energy & power struggles -consciously or unconsciously.

3. The 3 Projects in Relationships (to “relieve” discomfort)

· Try to force a person/partner/situation to change.

· Try to force ourselves to change.

· Give up & close the heart.

-->“Fix IT or Forget IT”

4. What to do instead, “the antidote”: Be your primary caretaker.

· Do a “U turn” & connect inside with your discomfort/fear.

· What “story” about the past, present, or future is the fear or anxiety wanting you to be aware of?

· My most recent experience: I felt a mix of anxiety/fear/panic internally & once I was “with” the emotional & physical energy of IT, I was made aware of past experiences/stories of being managed, manipulated, & controlled. My fear/anxiety was basically signaling …. “something feels OFF & is this what is happening right now”?

· Moving out of the story allowed me to assess how I wanted/needed to move forward with a tricky situation from a centered place instead of an anxious or constricted place.

· Going “inside” can be challenging if your habit is to avoid, suppress, or deny. Ironically, going inside is the quickest way to gain clarity & calm about next steps. Think of “going inside” as a practice like exercise – reps over time makes it easier!

· In an intimate relationship, allow your partner to be the secondary caretaker & not “responsible” for your internal state. When you don’t project your fear outward, there is a better chance they can hold space for you, with you, to provide co-regulation.

5. Some fears are not even our own; they precede us from past generations & have been passed to you – consciously or unconsciously. A helpful book on fear based conditioning being transmitted across generations is: “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn. If this concept interests you, check it out! In brief the author invites you to explore the following:

· Identify the trigger to your fear.

· Identify the core language central to the fear.

· Determine whose story it is – from whom & where did that messaging come?

· Integrate & alchemize fear -helpful suggestions on how to release, return, or transmute the fear. Fear can be a dark energy given to you by others & having a process to move it is transformational.

6. Lastly, if you are in relationship with someone who is experiencing fear, this information applies. Be a safe space. Ask what they need. If they don’t know, offer or provide some options you know they appreciate, & honor their requests. Co-regulation, holding safe space with care & no agenda, is usually a winning strategy. If someone has turned to you with their fear, consider that a high compliment of trust.

WHY DREAMS MATTERS

1. Dreams for Self

· Are wishes, hopes, & aspirations you have for your life, are a part of your identity, & give purpose & meaning to your life.

· Dreams like values & rituals, help anchor & reinforce our connections.

· They are allowed to change or evolve. What were your dreams when you were a child, a teen, getting married, retiring?

2. Dreams with Others

· Co-create with others (partner, children, community, work)

· Before you co-create you need to know the people you care about – how well do you know their inner & outer world, their history, their needs & how does that inform their dreams for today & the future?

FEED THE DREAM - RELATIONSHIPS

1. Relationship Deposits & Leaks

· What thoughts/beliefs or practices/habits/actions

· Give or Take Away support to “the Dream”?

2. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work & Brent Atkinson, The 10 Habits of Successful Intimate Partners, highlight practices for meeting dreams as well as dealing with change, differences, & conflict.

3. Daily Temperature Reading (Step 5)

SUMMARY:

· Having dreams for your future & making meaning out of life is part of thriving yet it can be challenging in the pace of our culture.

· Living wholeheartedly & with conscious intention allows you to co-create the life you want for yourself and/or with others.

· Inner or outer conflict is often a sign of unmet needs (see Season 2 Episode 1), frustration in moving dreams forward, or a challenge in connection.

I hope you find this series helpful. Stay tuned for future episodes on fears, communication, and conflict…just to name a few.

Thank you for listening. Please like, follow, share, or leave a review in support of the Podcast. 

Reach out to Reset!  For consultation: [email protected].

#resetwithrenee #coach #naturalstatetherapist #showmestatetherapist #cptsd #cyclebreaker #recoveringfamilyhero #generationalhealing #transformnottransmit #recovery #healing #relationshiptips #partnering #marriage #divorcrecovery #parenting #leading#emotionalintelligence #mentalhealth #wellbeing #relationships #rupturerepair #intimacy #attachment #connectinside #howtohuman #healingversuscoping #traumainformed

TAKE 3 on the KAP podcast recording.... Progress NOT Perfection:  some audio & editing issues exist but I wanted to share & move on...!  

Renee with @ResetWithRenee discusses her KAP (Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy) experience in Boulder at IPI in December 2022 & shares an overview of the year-long IPI training she is completing.  

@IntegrativePsychiatryInstitute 

IPI offers a 10-12 month Psychedelic Assisted Therapy (PAT) program that consists of 2 online weekend intensives, weekly learning & meetings, & the in-person, KAP experiential.  

#resetwithrenee #ipi #kap #pat #healing #mindbody #naturalstatetherapy #showmestatetherapy #coach #ifs

What does it mean to 'RESET"?  

The end of the year is great time to reflect on what to:

My clients hire me to guide them on their journey when they are invited by life to RESET from "coping" to "healing".  It can be hard work (I know) & yet so worth it!   

A return to your true self allows you to live, love, & lead with a whole heart.  I want that for me, for you, & for the world.  

In this episode, I discuss:

These are skills you can learn! 

I invite you to work with me.  Email me [email protected] or call 314-276-1680 to schedule your 2023 RESET.  As always, you are invited to connect with me on the Reset With Renee socials @Resetwithrenee.  Likes, shares, & comments help promote my work to more people & are appreciated:) 

Let me know what ?s you have that you would like to see more content on in 2023. 

#resetwithrenee #coach #therapist #podcaster #naturalstatetherapist #showmestatetherapist #generationalhealing #cptsd #recovery #mindbody #ans #polyvagal #relationships #partnering #parenting #connectinside #copingversushealing #wholehearted #newyearintentions #reset

REFLECTION:  

HOW DO YOU TURN TOWARDS YOURSELF & OTHERS? HOW DO YOU TURN AWAY?  HOW DO YOU TURN AGAINST? WHERE DO YOU STUMBLE?  WHAT COULD CHANGE IF YOU HAD HELP?

See IG @resetwithrenee for video: 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CmIRT3fpakJ/

#resetwithrenee #attachmentstyles #innerchild #healing #relationships #generationalhealing #cptsd #aces #gottman #ifs #narm #holidays #Emotionalintelligence #co-regulating #polyvagal #ans 

Listen to learn how different generations approach mental health.  

You will learn that connection is the medicine for many physical & mental health challenges.  

Knowing how do connect from a place of regulation, not reactivity, is key.  

How do you & your family do with that?  

Notice with curiosity & compassion (and without judgment) this holiday season...what works well & what results in challenging dynamics &/or behaviors.

Reach out to RESET if you want to grow your own ability & capacity.  

Key points in this episode:

To sign up for email, see website:  www.resetwithrenee.com.

To connect, call or text:  314-276-1680 or email:  [email protected]

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Thank you for listening & Happy Thanksgiving 2022!