Disclaimer: This book has some scandalous themes, we need an intern, 9-year-old Adam wants the dynamite, musicians love 17 year olds, Adam totally remembers Harper Neeley, Adam discovers his porn name, and we have a job for Bill Murray.

YouTube really put a wrench in Adam's sound effects game, Adam doesn't like Anniston Alabama, the Toledo food test market is a dream, we find a Downton Abbey connection, Leslie invents a new line of greeting cards, Adam decides which Uncle Jesse he would be, big, bad peckers take Leslie off-guard, no one needs to go for hours and hours, and Adam considers hiring out for foreplay.

Leslie tries a new intro, we investigate the juice coke and pop loop, Leslie reveals her trick to tell left from right, Penn State is the soda pop divide, Adam misses Nan, Leslie tries to get into the book, and Adam still doesn't know who anyone is--not even Janice.

Leslie's learning new Chilean slang, Adam's meeting invitation is NSFW, we have a clumsy character, we're still trying to figure out the year, we wander down the cousin path, clumsy girls and horses might not be the best idea, Linda Howard's writing strategy is revealed, and Russell Brand may or may not be too annoying for Leslie.

We discuss the pros and cons of marrying a younger woman, Adam's sex ed lessons continue and he plans his marriage to a 32 year old, bustin' versus bursting cherries, we're still talking about this book, we have a thatch, we discover a new genre of romance, and Adam may start his writing career.

A lot of hymen and 123 High Street talk and Adam is very confused as we talk about various sex things in the inaugural 3rd season episode.

We have a very special guest who can answer all of Adam's questions about biology, we get some insights about another Nan Ryan book and discover some sexual similarities, we explore two possible titles for season 3, clit alerts on the first page are a good sign, Adam doesn't understand why women like what they like.

We ponder the entire romance genre including heat levels from sweet to hard core bangin, Adam rejects His Abiding Shame, sticky pages in nasty books, moist vs. musty, Adam casts a vote, the consensus is in--we're all happy season 2 is over.

Adam's boing needs viagra, teenagers watch house hunters, we have a Pointer Sisters moment which segues into a depressing sidebar about the expansion of the Universe, Bella is really dumb in the book, Adam keeps trying to make "broi" happen, Mickey Mouse voice man is more tenacious than Adam, no one wants to see Adam's Yard-O-Beef, we share what to do when a homeless man gives you dumpster ham.

Kitten rescue can be a really dirty fiasco, Leslie got some life points, Bella's hair in the movie is very unrealistic, Adam really loves this scene, Jacob's appearance is kind of lame, we can't remember a word, Leslie picked which blood she took, the Forks High School prom decor is impressive, Adam romansplains the crap out of this scene, and watching a movie with Leslie's mom is an adventure.

Trigger alert: if you suffer from misophonia, skip the first minute of this episode. We start off with a beet tangent, Leslie shares her vampire strategy, Bella teaches us what not to do with a puncture wound, shock overpowers what you know, we speculate about how vamps taste, we really miss Tony Scott, Adam makes a good point about the fire the vamps build to burn James, Edward can't stop sucking, Bella's codependency grates on everyone, Adam outlines the rules for montages and voiceover narration, Adam continues to embrace his Eagles lifestyle.

Adam continues the tradition of not being prepared, Leslie has a strategy to turn money into compost, Edward has to make a choice, Adam is still triggered by our anniversary dinner that caused him to throw up ramps.

Adam has turned Leslie into one of his hill-or-holler folk, Bella's parents are seriously the worst, YA audiences have low expectations, and wanting someone's snack is not a good enough reason for a conflict.